Confused and sad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 6
Confused and sad.
Hi,
I am brand new to this. I am struggling with "not enabling" my husband. I have recently started going to Al-Anon meetings and am reading tons of literature. My husband does not think he has a drinking problem. He as a female "friend" that he continues to drink with. I drew the line last week after finding them in bars together. I know their relationship is based on drinking, but I can't live with that. I told him to leave. I still want it to work, but I have to take care of myself. I know I shouldn't contact him as that would be enabling, right? Please.... someone tell me why I shouldn't contact him. I have no intention of letting him come back right now. I want him to hit bottom.... don't know if I have the strength to allow it.
I know... but I need help.
Thank you.
I am brand new to this. I am struggling with "not enabling" my husband. I have recently started going to Al-Anon meetings and am reading tons of literature. My husband does not think he has a drinking problem. He as a female "friend" that he continues to drink with. I drew the line last week after finding them in bars together. I know their relationship is based on drinking, but I can't live with that. I told him to leave. I still want it to work, but I have to take care of myself. I know I shouldn't contact him as that would be enabling, right? Please.... someone tell me why I shouldn't contact him. I have no intention of letting him come back right now. I want him to hit bottom.... don't know if I have the strength to allow it.
I know... but I need help.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
JKA,
Hi. Glad you are here.
What are you doing right now to take care of yourself?
You cannot control his drinking. He is the only one who can do that. You cannot "make" him hit a bottom, but you can stop enabling him, and it sounds like you are doing that by not contacting him.
Why do you want to contact him right now?
Miss
Hi. Glad you are here.
What are you doing right now to take care of yourself?
You cannot control his drinking. He is the only one who can do that. You cannot "make" him hit a bottom, but you can stop enabling him, and it sounds like you are doing that by not contacting him.
Why do you want to contact him right now?
Miss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 6
I'm not sure why I want to contact him. I guess I really want the marriage to work. I guess I want him to miss me. I am doing my best at taking care of myself.... friends, counseling, al-anon, etc.
Is leaving him alone helping him?
Is leaving him alone helping him?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Right now the focus needs to be on helping yourself, and you've already taken some huge steps by attending Alanon, and setting healthy boundaries for yourself on what you will not tolerate. 
I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me!
There are 3 C's to remember, you didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can do is take care of you and trust that your higher power has a plan for you. :ghug :ghug
I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me!
There are 3 C's to remember, you didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can do is take care of you and trust that your higher power has a plan for you. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Is leaving him alone helping him?
That's a question only time will answer.
Most importantly is leaving him alone helping you?
It may make you feel sad etc., but a break from the insanity and a focus on yourself and your dreams and your needs and your own problems is a way to get down to business on things you CAN control in your life. Going "no contact" for a while gives you the space to start looking at this from a different perspective....
Sadly, we cannot control our alcoholic loved one's choices.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting tonight? I found if I just kept going to meetings and following directions things got better for ME!
(((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
That's a question only time will answer.
Most importantly is leaving him alone helping you?
It may make you feel sad etc., but a break from the insanity and a focus on yourself and your dreams and your needs and your own problems is a way to get down to business on things you CAN control in your life. Going "no contact" for a while gives you the space to start looking at this from a different perspective....
Sadly, we cannot control our alcoholic loved one's choices.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting tonight? I found if I just kept going to meetings and following directions things got better for ME!
(((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 6
I can't get to one tonight, but I will go one tomorrow. I am going to dinner with my parents... then plan a bubble bath.... then to bed. Going to bed makes time go faster. I know in my head what I need to do, but my heart says something different.
Thank you all for the support.
Thank you all for the support.
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