Learning how

The week my cousin who was 46 died of his addictions. He's been working on this for years, in and out of rehab several times, told by doctors that if he continued he would die. I really don't know the details as he was not a close cousin to me. I read his obit. in the paper... he was a father, and a grandfather and had a lot of people who were close to him. I can't be close to that side of my family its not good for me.

The service is today, its at the bar in my home town. A celebration of life!


I was going to go to the service, be supportive of the family but I just don't want to go to a service at a bar....
This has just made me crazy for like two days....what to do....
I started to really over think.
I called a person I know in AA. He grew up in the same small town. He was friends with my cousin... much more than I was. I got some in put. It was uncomfortable to ask for input regarding this. But its part of my program, I have to learn to ask for help...

I will send a card or write something on the newspapers website there is an area for messages. I will keep it simple. That was the topic at the open AA meeting I went to last night... no alanon on friday night here.
Thanks for listening.

Freedom1990

How ironic the service is at a bar.

I'm glad you found a solution that works for you. Keeping it simple works for me too.

I too have lost many family members to the disease.

:ghug :ghug

acehood629

Kind of strange that they would have the service at a bar considering how he passed.
I can relate, I lost my Dad 2 1/2 years ago to his addiction. He was 47. Its an eye opener. I think that your plan to send your best wishes are a great way to show you care. Just do what you feel is right for you. You don't need to do anything for anyone else.

I'm sorry for your family's loss, I know its hard to go through. My thoughts are with you.

blessed4x

((((hugs)))) I'm constantly reminded here what a fatal disease this is. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Bernadette

I'm so sorry about your cousin Learning how...my thoughts are with you--
peace,
b

Learning how

Thank you all for the support. I really had to think hard about going on not going to this "service". If he had passed from some other cause, I would most likely have gone. Being as he died because of organ failure caused by his drinking, and because I was told that the gathering was going to be mostly "party friends" I just don't think my being there is going to do anyone any good. My aunt will get my message from the newspaper webpage.

My brother told my last night that my cousins mom had gone no contact with my cousin due to his on going addiction for the last few months so maybe in a way I am supporting her by not going. Too much thinking again... as I know it isn't my bussiness what other people are thinking or doing, and for me this is the correct way to handle the situation.
It feels very sad in so many ways. My other brother just recently got out of rehab.... he called the other day first time in months. I hope it works for him, this runs deep in my family.

Addiction can kill its really true.

Daisy30

I think you made a smart choice.

The town I grew up in had a bar on every corner. When my father passed away after his funeral, and the meal. Some people were going to the bar he hung out at for a "toast". My brother went. I refused. I felt it was disrespectful to my mother and that is not the father I wanted to remember.

(((hugs)))

LucyA

When my brother died, we had his service in the crematorium chapel, then we all went on to a bar for food. We did think long and hard about it, but it's what my family has always done for funerals and we decided we werent going to change for this one.
It was right for us, and it was a strangely lovely day where I felt close to my brother. I appreciate it wouldn't be the right thing for everyone though.

Seren

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. It sounds as though you have come up with a simple way to honor the man without getting involved in "celebration" that is planned.

Hugs, HG

dothi

I see this as denial. Some people would prefer to use this as a reason to sit around feeling sorry for the deceased and (by proxy) themselves. They don't want to see the reality for what it is, and alcohol will facilitate that.

LH, I think you're making a good choice. If he had died in a plane crash, would it make sense to hold the service on a plane? Really that's rather morbid.

TakingCharge999

It is ironic and twisted this service will be in a bar, but well, it is your choice not to attend. Its great you have alternative ways to show his family that you care.

(((hugs)))

serenityqueen

Unfortunately this isn't the first time that I've heard people having someone's "Memorial" at a bar when the person died as a result of alcoholism. . . . and sadly I'm sure it won't be the last. When I was drinking and drugging, I at least had enough sense to put two and two together and realize, "Hey, this is sick, so and so died because he drank, so why are we doing shots in his memory?"

If you want to send a personal note to your Aunt, perhaps you could just send her a card, along with your sympathies, and just tell her that you felt it was disrespectful to hold his services at a bar, that's why you didn't attend. I'm sure she will understand and to be honest, I think she would appreciate it.

You're right, alcohol does kill. It cost my sister her life when she was only 26, my cousin died last summer at the age of 45, I've lost many friends and other family members as well. There but for the Grace of God go I.

Judy

dreamstones

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I went to a combination wake/funeral last week of a friend's brother who died after drinking himself to death. I only had a few minutes to stop in and pay my respects, but similar thing, the "party" was shortly afterwards at a bar I was told. In these parts, that is the norm, along the lines of an Irish wake.

steve11694

You would think even the party friends would have enough respect to not hold this function at a bar or at least get away from the bar for the services.

It goes to show how strong the grip of addiction is; that is seeing a friends death from alcohol and drinking in the face of it.

Again, it is insanity