Separating from spouse - need support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Separating from spouse - need support
Hi
I first came on this site about 4 years ago, a year after I married my RA husband, who's been sober 15 years. I never knew him in his drinking days. Our marriage slowly deteriorated because, as I learned here, he displays all the behaviours of a dry drunk, and is extremely controlling and jealous of me, everything reveolves around him. I have tried everything I can to help the relationship, and have to admit my own part in its breakdown.
I tried to set boundaries, would suceed for a time, but always ended up giving in for the sake of peace. His anger has always frightened me, the way he twists things so I don't know where I am and his roller coaster of moods and dramas is exhausting.
Finally I couldn't stand any more and told him I wanted out. That was in January and its been a living nightmare since.Although the house is mine, he is entitled to a settlement and neither of us are advised to move out. I have asked him to go through collaboration and he has put it off and off, all the time harassing me verbally, accusing me of affairs with both men and women, he searched my room umpteen times until I had a lock put on it and claims to have found evidence which he will use to expose me to everyone, including my elderly parents. I live in dread of his key in the door.
My attorney has always said that this will go to court, not collaboration because he is so volatile. It takes ages to get a court date here, up to a year, so I'm facing up to a year living like this. If I move out I could lose my house.
Today I signed papers to start the court process as I can't wait like this for him to go to his attorney. He has told me to be prepared to suffer till we get to court, but does not know I have set things in motion.
Sorry for the long post. Any advice or support that anyone can give me would be much appreciated. I go to my sister's every weekend and this give me a little respite. I don't have many friends, none near me and I've never been so lonely and afraid. Thanks for listening.
I first came on this site about 4 years ago, a year after I married my RA husband, who's been sober 15 years. I never knew him in his drinking days. Our marriage slowly deteriorated because, as I learned here, he displays all the behaviours of a dry drunk, and is extremely controlling and jealous of me, everything reveolves around him. I have tried everything I can to help the relationship, and have to admit my own part in its breakdown.
I tried to set boundaries, would suceed for a time, but always ended up giving in for the sake of peace. His anger has always frightened me, the way he twists things so I don't know where I am and his roller coaster of moods and dramas is exhausting.
Finally I couldn't stand any more and told him I wanted out. That was in January and its been a living nightmare since.Although the house is mine, he is entitled to a settlement and neither of us are advised to move out. I have asked him to go through collaboration and he has put it off and off, all the time harassing me verbally, accusing me of affairs with both men and women, he searched my room umpteen times until I had a lock put on it and claims to have found evidence which he will use to expose me to everyone, including my elderly parents. I live in dread of his key in the door.
My attorney has always said that this will go to court, not collaboration because he is so volatile. It takes ages to get a court date here, up to a year, so I'm facing up to a year living like this. If I move out I could lose my house.
Today I signed papers to start the court process as I can't wait like this for him to go to his attorney. He has told me to be prepared to suffer till we get to court, but does not know I have set things in motion.
Sorry for the long post. Any advice or support that anyone can give me would be much appreciated. I go to my sister's every weekend and this give me a little respite. I don't have many friends, none near me and I've never been so lonely and afraid. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Sophia,
What a terrible, stressful time you find yourself in right now.
I don't have much advice to offer aside from what you're already doing: get the process moving as quickly as possible, push it through as quickly as possible, stay away from him as much as humanly possible, and protect yourself in every way that you can.
A local support system can help you too. If there is a personal counselor you can see once a week for ideas, strength and support, that might help you. Al-Anon meetings or similar kinds of meetings helped me too, as did other kinds of social interaction where I was treated like a real person instead of as The Enemy. That helped to balance out the terrible vibe at home.
It's important to keep your strength up too. Making sure you feed your body properly and well, get out in the fresh air every day, get proper sleep even if you have to take something safe to get it.......all of these keep the engine of your body able to cope with this stress.
Let me ask you this too: What other solutions might you be overlooking? Can you spend more time at your sister's? Can you sell the house (since it's yours at present) and divide the proceeds with him if forced to? What would happen if you let the house go? (how much could you realize from it if you sold it right now?) Would it be the end of your life as you know it? Or could you survive it?
You also say you "Could" lose your house if you move out. You may ask your attorney point-blank if there is some kind of motion that can be filed, based on the threatening, frightening environment in which you are living, which would protect your interests there even as you move out to protect yourself. What would have to happen? Physical violence against you or your property?
Sometimes attorneys have tunnel-vision and just need to be asked a different question: How can I protect myself by moving out, and still maintain my interest in the house? And might a different, more aggressive attorney give you a better answer?
Hoping you can find a way to quickly get through this hell and back to life. You deserve much more than this.
What a terrible, stressful time you find yourself in right now.
I don't have much advice to offer aside from what you're already doing: get the process moving as quickly as possible, push it through as quickly as possible, stay away from him as much as humanly possible, and protect yourself in every way that you can.
A local support system can help you too. If there is a personal counselor you can see once a week for ideas, strength and support, that might help you. Al-Anon meetings or similar kinds of meetings helped me too, as did other kinds of social interaction where I was treated like a real person instead of as The Enemy. That helped to balance out the terrible vibe at home.
It's important to keep your strength up too. Making sure you feed your body properly and well, get out in the fresh air every day, get proper sleep even if you have to take something safe to get it.......all of these keep the engine of your body able to cope with this stress.
Let me ask you this too: What other solutions might you be overlooking? Can you spend more time at your sister's? Can you sell the house (since it's yours at present) and divide the proceeds with him if forced to? What would happen if you let the house go? (how much could you realize from it if you sold it right now?) Would it be the end of your life as you know it? Or could you survive it?
You also say you "Could" lose your house if you move out. You may ask your attorney point-blank if there is some kind of motion that can be filed, based on the threatening, frightening environment in which you are living, which would protect your interests there even as you move out to protect yourself. What would have to happen? Physical violence against you or your property?
Sometimes attorneys have tunnel-vision and just need to be asked a different question: How can I protect myself by moving out, and still maintain my interest in the house? And might a different, more aggressive attorney give you a better answer?
Hoping you can find a way to quickly get through this hell and back to life. You deserve much more than this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thank you so much for understanding, it really helps to hear from another person. When things are bad I doubt myself so much..was the marriage really that bad? Was I more responsible than I think for its breakdown?
He has tried every trick in the book to harass me, from threats of suicide to telling me I've destroyed his life, to calling me filthy names, even waking me up (this before I got the lock put on) to tell me he had a call to say I'd been seen out with a man and he was calling the police to have me removed from the house. When I told him to go ahead, he backed down. There have been numerous blindsiders like this.
I've started seeing a counsellor for support and although I've lost a lot of weight my doctor is keeping an eye on me and helping me. I have to walk my dog every day anyway so I get plenty of fresh air - I even let him sleep on my bed now for the comfort of it.
There's no way round having to stay in the house - I've asked my attorney and others. As regards selling it - with the recession the houses around me aren't selling, one has been on the market for a year, and it's my only asset apart from my job and pension. I worked hard and took in lodgers to afford to buy it, so I'm not letting him have it.
The attorney has put in the letter that will go to him soon - I'm dreading that day and his reaction-that if the harrassment doesn't stop we'll be seeking a safety order. That way if it gets bad and I call the police he can be removed from the house, but only for a night. He can be charged though, so it is a serious thing. It would take physical violence to get him put out, and he is clever enough to know that and keeps his distance.
I don't know if I can take this to Al Anon as he's an RA. I did go for a while a few years back but felt out of place as everyone else was experincing active drinking in their families.
Thanks again. It makes me feel less alone to know there people who understand and believe me.
He has tried every trick in the book to harass me, from threats of suicide to telling me I've destroyed his life, to calling me filthy names, even waking me up (this before I got the lock put on) to tell me he had a call to say I'd been seen out with a man and he was calling the police to have me removed from the house. When I told him to go ahead, he backed down. There have been numerous blindsiders like this.
I've started seeing a counsellor for support and although I've lost a lot of weight my doctor is keeping an eye on me and helping me. I have to walk my dog every day anyway so I get plenty of fresh air - I even let him sleep on my bed now for the comfort of it.
There's no way round having to stay in the house - I've asked my attorney and others. As regards selling it - with the recession the houses around me aren't selling, one has been on the market for a year, and it's my only asset apart from my job and pension. I worked hard and took in lodgers to afford to buy it, so I'm not letting him have it.
The attorney has put in the letter that will go to him soon - I'm dreading that day and his reaction-that if the harrassment doesn't stop we'll be seeking a safety order. That way if it gets bad and I call the police he can be removed from the house, but only for a night. He can be charged though, so it is a serious thing. It would take physical violence to get him put out, and he is clever enough to know that and keeps his distance.
I don't know if I can take this to Al Anon as he's an RA. I did go for a while a few years back but felt out of place as everyone else was experincing active drinking in their families.
Thanks again. It makes me feel less alone to know there people who understand and believe me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Sophia
I send you hugs during this tough time. There should be a way to spend time somewhere else without risking the house. I agree with Barb, maybe renting a temporary place? Or staying at a guesthouse? I would hate to hear you got hurt.
I am glad you have a sister that supports you and I am glad you found us. ((hugs))
I send you hugs during this tough time. There should be a way to spend time somewhere else without risking the house. I agree with Barb, maybe renting a temporary place? Or staying at a guesthouse? I would hate to hear you got hurt.
I am glad you have a sister that supports you and I am glad you found us. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi Sophia.. glad you found SR..:ghug
A lot of what you posted resonated with me. I too was kind of in your position. The outcome for me was not a good one (I resist saying it was negative because it led me to a place where I have serenity).
I won't rehash my story (you can find it by looking at my previous posts) but I have to say that the position you are in is not emotionally, mentally or physically healthy. I also have to say there is probably nothing you can do to placate the situation or make it better. The only thing you can do is whatever is necessary to safeguard your well being. And that needs to be your number one priority. The house, the stuff in it.. it can all be replaced. You can't.
As for going to Al-Anon... the A I was with was in recovery... and I was welcomed with open arms. Going there I realised that recovery is more than simply quitting drinking, going to AA meetings and talking the talk.. it also requires walking the walk.. and you will probably find there are people who are or who have been in the same position you are.
A lot of what you posted resonated with me. I too was kind of in your position. The outcome for me was not a good one (I resist saying it was negative because it led me to a place where I have serenity).
I won't rehash my story (you can find it by looking at my previous posts) but I have to say that the position you are in is not emotionally, mentally or physically healthy. I also have to say there is probably nothing you can do to placate the situation or make it better. The only thing you can do is whatever is necessary to safeguard your well being. And that needs to be your number one priority. The house, the stuff in it.. it can all be replaced. You can't.
As for going to Al-Anon... the A I was with was in recovery... and I was welcomed with open arms. Going there I realised that recovery is more than simply quitting drinking, going to AA meetings and talking the talk.. it also requires walking the walk.. and you will probably find there are people who are or who have been in the same position you are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i'm so sorry, sophia. your life sounds horrific. and he sounds incredibly dangerous. mentally deranged....much much worse than simply a dry drunk. as if he has a serious disorder like sociopath, with his determined intentions to make you suffer. THAT is more than the mood swings and quackings of the dry drunk syndrome.
for me, no amount of property or money would induce me to remain anywhere near that man. i personally would cut my losses and get away.
is there a gun in your house? is there a weapon he could use against you? he is very volatile and CRAZY, sophia. do not minimize his violent behavior. he is CRAZY and i think you need to GET AWAY.
keep the police and a domestic violence center on your speed dial. keep a bag packed. keep cash ready. you are living with insanity and some day that insane man may come after you in a way you could never have imagined.
tell EVERYBODY what he is doing to you.
i am really worried for you. i hope you get out now. God bless you and help keep you safe.
for me, no amount of property or money would induce me to remain anywhere near that man. i personally would cut my losses and get away.
is there a gun in your house? is there a weapon he could use against you? he is very volatile and CRAZY, sophia. do not minimize his violent behavior. he is CRAZY and i think you need to GET AWAY.
keep the police and a domestic violence center on your speed dial. keep a bag packed. keep cash ready. you are living with insanity and some day that insane man may come after you in a way you could never have imagined.
tell EVERYBODY what he is doing to you.
i am really worried for you. i hope you get out now. God bless you and help keep you safe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
Are you sure you can't get a barring order against him based on his behaviour? Are you keeping a record of his threats? I don't think this will do much for your seperation/divorce, but if things escalate then you have a record of what has happened. If he threatens you with the guards again, can you ring the guards yourself?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
:ghug to you Sophia, I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said here.
It is very important that you not be alone through all this, whether it's you being here with us or finding support there. A local support group would be so beneficial to you though, and they will be happy to see you regardless of whether he's drinking right now or not.
It is very important that you not be alone through all this, whether it's you being here with us or finding support there. A local support group would be so beneficial to you though, and they will be happy to see you regardless of whether he's drinking right now or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thanks so much to everyone - I couldn't believe the support that's here for me, and I should have kept coming back but I had my head in the sand for a long time.
Hi Lucy! Hope you and Joe are doing well, sorry to hear of his dad's passing.
As regards a barring order, I cant get one based on what he's doing at the moment, but I am keeping a diary, I've been told to by my attorney. The courts are very slow to hand them out. I have picked up the phone to call the police on several occasions and he always backs off. At the moment he's just quietly seething, no stunts this week, yet. I know this is a very unhealthy situation to live in, but I'm 51 and have no way of buying another house and could not afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house at the same time. I can't afford to lose the house as I'll never get another mortgage at my age.I can't sell the house either without his consent even though it's my name on the deeds. The law is crazy in Ireland.
I know my well being is the most important thing and I'm doing my best to look after myself. I agree that his behaviour is way beyond dry drunk, I think and have thought for a long time that he has serious problems mentally besides his alcoholism. I didn't begin to see any of this behaviour until after we were married.
i'm glad to hear that Al Anon would be a support, I might try to find a group. I find I'm so exhausted after a day's work and keeping up a front (though I have told my boss and one trusted colleague) that I have to lie down when I get home. He works shifts so sometimes I have some peace in the house. I stay home during the week and go to my sister's at the weekend which is quite a distance away.
I'm taking it one day at a time, today is a good day. I heard him leave to go to work (I waited in bed till he did) then I had a nice long bath and ate breakfast and walked my dog in the sun. I rang work to say I would be a little late and gave myself that time when I felt safe just to relax. I'm seeing my counsellor later.
I can't change the circumstances I'm in, but with your help I can and will get through this.
Hi Lucy! Hope you and Joe are doing well, sorry to hear of his dad's passing.
As regards a barring order, I cant get one based on what he's doing at the moment, but I am keeping a diary, I've been told to by my attorney. The courts are very slow to hand them out. I have picked up the phone to call the police on several occasions and he always backs off. At the moment he's just quietly seething, no stunts this week, yet. I know this is a very unhealthy situation to live in, but I'm 51 and have no way of buying another house and could not afford to rent and pay the mortgage on the house at the same time. I can't afford to lose the house as I'll never get another mortgage at my age.I can't sell the house either without his consent even though it's my name on the deeds. The law is crazy in Ireland.
I know my well being is the most important thing and I'm doing my best to look after myself. I agree that his behaviour is way beyond dry drunk, I think and have thought for a long time that he has serious problems mentally besides his alcoholism. I didn't begin to see any of this behaviour until after we were married.
i'm glad to hear that Al Anon would be a support, I might try to find a group. I find I'm so exhausted after a day's work and keeping up a front (though I have told my boss and one trusted colleague) that I have to lie down when I get home. He works shifts so sometimes I have some peace in the house. I stay home during the week and go to my sister's at the weekend which is quite a distance away.
I'm taking it one day at a time, today is a good day. I heard him leave to go to work (I waited in bed till he did) then I had a nice long bath and ate breakfast and walked my dog in the sun. I rang work to say I would be a little late and gave myself that time when I felt safe just to relax. I'm seeing my counsellor later.
I can't change the circumstances I'm in, but with your help I can and will get through this.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Sophia, I am with you 100%. There is no way I'd walk away from that house either if I were you. I don't have to tell you to watch your back - and try to spend as much time away as possible.
I'm rooting for you!
I'm rooting for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thanks, WantsOut, its my only home and I scrimped and saved to get it. He walked into the marriage with nothing but his clothes and has told me recently he thought when he walked up the aisle he now owned 50% of all my possessions.
Boy, was I naive. Not any more, but I was stubborn and had to learn the hard way. I should have had my eyes well open at my age, but no point in regrets now. Now I have to focus on getting through this as best I can and have the peace I want so badly.
Boy, was I naive. Not any more, but I was stubborn and had to learn the hard way. I should have had my eyes well open at my age, but no point in regrets now. Now I have to focus on getting through this as best I can and have the peace I want so badly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome Sophia. Alanon is for anyone effected by alcoholism in anyway. Many people in my group are adult children of alcoholics. Some in my group are involved with substance abusers as well. Face to face support from my Alanon group has been priceless for me. Please consider using your local group for support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Sophia-
You said you have taken on boarders in the past. Is that an option now. Not that you want to put anyone else in jeapardy--but would RA back down if there was another person in the house witnessing what is going on? Does he ever act the way he does when others are in the house. It sounds like he is a very abusive person and one of the things abusers like to do is separate you from those who love you. They want to isolate you. Find a way so you are no longer isolated. Reconnect with family and friends for support. Make everyone you know aware of what is going on at home--you will get more support that way and he is then no longer in control of you. I have been in a similar relationship and as soon as people found out what was going on AH moved on to someone else because I was no longer allowing myself to be a victim. However, make yourself safe. What would happen if you put his stuff outside and put a different lock on the door. I know you said he has a right to the property--but does he have a right to live there? I do not know the laws in Ireland.
How far away is your sister from you? You do not have to move out to make yourself safe--however you can spend as much time away from home as possible. You are not moving out or abandoning your home--you are just visiting.
I also agree, keep a packed bag in your car and your cell phone charged and with you. He sound very unpredictable. I live in the US and am in a slightly similar situation (I married another AH--finally figured out my codie behaviors and am working on myself)--AH went totally ballistic one day and I had to take my son to work with me. My lawyer told me to keep clothes and overnight things either in the car or at work so if he does it again we can leave the house. My stuff is shoved under my desk at work. She told me it would do no good to call the police because he had not hit me and the police would think I was crazy if I called and said my husband was yelling at me and the children. She said if he ever touched any of us to get out of the house and call the police immediately.
Keep yourself safe--that is most important. Find ways to stay out of the house when he is around. You are writing down what happens. If you can afford one go out and get a digital recorder. I am unsure what the laws are on taping people--it varies from state to state in the US. The state I live in has one party consent--that means only one party (me) needs to provide consent to something being taped. So I can turn on my digital recorder when he is on a rampage and have evidence (loud and clear) of what he is doing. Digital recorders are small and you don't need to let him know you are doing it (and should not since he would probably get angry). It is something else you should keep at work. It may give you leverage in getting him out of the house sooner and would provide more than just your written evidence of what is going on--which he could deny.
Stay safe, please.
You said you have taken on boarders in the past. Is that an option now. Not that you want to put anyone else in jeapardy--but would RA back down if there was another person in the house witnessing what is going on? Does he ever act the way he does when others are in the house. It sounds like he is a very abusive person and one of the things abusers like to do is separate you from those who love you. They want to isolate you. Find a way so you are no longer isolated. Reconnect with family and friends for support. Make everyone you know aware of what is going on at home--you will get more support that way and he is then no longer in control of you. I have been in a similar relationship and as soon as people found out what was going on AH moved on to someone else because I was no longer allowing myself to be a victim. However, make yourself safe. What would happen if you put his stuff outside and put a different lock on the door. I know you said he has a right to the property--but does he have a right to live there? I do not know the laws in Ireland.
How far away is your sister from you? You do not have to move out to make yourself safe--however you can spend as much time away from home as possible. You are not moving out or abandoning your home--you are just visiting.
I also agree, keep a packed bag in your car and your cell phone charged and with you. He sound very unpredictable. I live in the US and am in a slightly similar situation (I married another AH--finally figured out my codie behaviors and am working on myself)--AH went totally ballistic one day and I had to take my son to work with me. My lawyer told me to keep clothes and overnight things either in the car or at work so if he does it again we can leave the house. My stuff is shoved under my desk at work. She told me it would do no good to call the police because he had not hit me and the police would think I was crazy if I called and said my husband was yelling at me and the children. She said if he ever touched any of us to get out of the house and call the police immediately.
Keep yourself safe--that is most important. Find ways to stay out of the house when he is around. You are writing down what happens. If you can afford one go out and get a digital recorder. I am unsure what the laws are on taping people--it varies from state to state in the US. The state I live in has one party consent--that means only one party (me) needs to provide consent to something being taped. So I can turn on my digital recorder when he is on a rampage and have evidence (loud and clear) of what he is doing. Digital recorders are small and you don't need to let him know you are doing it (and should not since he would probably get angry). It is something else you should keep at work. It may give you leverage in getting him out of the house sooner and would provide more than just your written evidence of what is going on--which he could deny.
Stay safe, please.
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