Can't post anymore...just lurking
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Around the time I started posting on SR three years ago, my ex-AH started to get nervous. He got nervous, NOT because he could read my posts (I used to clear the history and the cache... he used to read my emails and I wasn't courageous enough to cut him off), but because he didn't like the change that was happening in me. He didn't like that I was becoming more direct, more assertive, more self-assured, and that I carried on with my life without waiting for him. He didn't like that I was making plans without him. He didn't like the fact that I was getting stronger.
Within two weeks of my first post, I made a list on the computer of all his behaviors that bothered me. I saved the file in a folder within another folder... thinking he will never look in there. I thought that if I read all that bad stuff on a sheet of paper, I would get the courage to change my life further. He must have been paranoid, because he found that list and my diary on the computer, and DELETED THEM. Boy, did I feel violated and angry.
When I confronted him, he said that it was all a bunch of lies! I can't begin to describe the twisted feeling within me when he said that. I started questioning myself and my vision of reality: did I imagine those behaviors? Did I exaggerate them?
Then, I thought further... if he deleted them, that meant there must have been some truth to them and these writings were bothering him enough that he felt he had to delete them.
Thank goodness, I had printed my diary out, which I smuggled out of the house and took to work. I recreated that list, but by then I was so angry that I didn't need it anymore to realize what a truly controlling and abusive person he was.
Within two weeks of my first post, I made a list on the computer of all his behaviors that bothered me. I saved the file in a folder within another folder... thinking he will never look in there. I thought that if I read all that bad stuff on a sheet of paper, I would get the courage to change my life further. He must have been paranoid, because he found that list and my diary on the computer, and DELETED THEM. Boy, did I feel violated and angry.
When I confronted him, he said that it was all a bunch of lies! I can't begin to describe the twisted feeling within me when he said that. I started questioning myself and my vision of reality: did I imagine those behaviors? Did I exaggerate them?
Then, I thought further... if he deleted them, that meant there must have been some truth to them and these writings were bothering him enough that he felt he had to delete them.
Thank goodness, I had printed my diary out, which I smuggled out of the house and took to work. I recreated that list, but by then I was so angry that I didn't need it anymore to realize what a truly controlling and abusive person he was.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by hapapinoy 
I'm new to the board, so I don't know the culture here.
But for some reason, as a man who has gone through a nightmare with a wife who indulges in alcohol-fueled binges, I just found that comment very hurtful.
But for some reason, as a man who has gone through a nightmare with a wife who indulges in alcohol-fueled binges, I just found that comment very hurtful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by hapapinoy
I'm new to the board, so I don't know the culture here.
But for some reason, as a man who has gone through a nightmare with a wife who indulges in alcohol-fueled binges, I just found that comment very hurtful.
But for some reason, as a man who has gone through a nightmare with a wife who indulges in alcohol-fueled binges, I just found that comment very hurtful.
me too
The overwhelming population of the F & F board is female, so I have had to develop a thick skin about general sweeping statements about men in general and realize that many people here have been horrifically abused by the men in their life and that it has nothing to do with me.
Most of the time I can "let it go" but on occasion those sweeping statements hurt my feelings as well.
Truthfully, I think it is because my ex WAS so abusive so it "triggers" that part of me that was abused.
So far I have been unable to communicate that in an effective manner, that all men aren't bad and we have feelings that get hurt by general sweeping statements that point the finger at "men" as opposed to the specific man in their life that caused this pain. I believe it's because that practicing alcoholic men share a number of shared behaviors that it's an easy leap to go from "my man" to "men in general"
Quite often they are "comparing" behaviors, and then some folks start "venting" and while it's easy to read someone's specific experience with their alcoholic, the threads can sometimes take on a life of their own with hurt people saying hurtful things that become general about men in general as opposed to their specific experience.
I believe it's an important part of the process to "identify", as in it's mission critical as to have a "common problem" so as to start coming up with a common solution, so the process is an important one, I just have to realize it's not "about me" and try not to let derogatory statements about men in general hurt my feelings.
I have to remember not everyone is as far along in their recovery, some are still in hurtful situations, and some don't know the format of sharing their own experience, strength and hope rather then making general sweeping derogatory statements about men in general and realize it's "hurt people" saying hurtful things because they are in a great deal of pain.
There is a great deal of recovery here so I do keep coming back, there is a ton of experience, strength and hope here, for me, the trick is reading through to find what's applicable to me, and trying not to get my feelings hurt by the posts that aren't.
I'm not always successful.
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