Back in the doldrums
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 27
Back in the doldrums
I was married to my A husband only months ago, despite my reservations. Like a lot of women out there (and men) I believed somehow that his word was golden, that he really does have his beer drinking under control, that he is most definitely NOT an alcoholic. I was a fool and I am so angry, though I can't figure out if I am more angry at him or me! I have cried, begged, ignored, threatened, you name it and each time the momentary dramatics get his attention long enough to see results for a week or so but then the insidious disease creeps back in, nice and slow, only a beer watching the game, only a beer after golf, then suddenly we are back to 12 pack Sunday and by 7 p.m., he's looped, the tell tale glaze in his eyes, the slightly off kilter stance - I don't know how in the hell I saw all of this for the 2 years we dated and lived together without my skin crawling. Last night I had a full blown panic attack - he's been keeping a low profile wiht the beer intake since I wigged last time, he knows that I am really over it, our sex life is about non existent because I seem to stay bitter these days so after being out of the house last night for all of 2 hours, I come home to him, reeking of a brewery and seeing the big quart bottle in the trash - he also works 12+ hours daily so he's downright delirious with fatigue and then the beer takes him nicely into disgustingville. I left our bed and slept in the spare room and could hardly breathe, recalling my memory and realizing that EVERY good moment we had was somehow tied up in alcohol - at least that's how we got started - I drink socially and can take or leave it anytime but honestly I have rarely seen him leave it.
I don't know what I am going to do. I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure -we just had a glorious pricey wedding in May - my family has no clue about his drinking problem - ironically, his mom told me long ago she was afraid I would leave him someday, that I was his second chance and that they had been concerned about his drinking for years. His father was an A as well. He has alternated between defensiveness on the subject and has admitted to 'going overboard' but he downplays it, after all, he has FULL CONTROL.
I am sick of it, tired of the tension, when I see the subtle changes come about, tired of his sexual overtures when he's got a buzz on and then the pouty, passive aggressive anger when I reject him. Hey, who wouldn't?
I am so over it all and now feel trapped. I love this man but cannot stand who he becomes and am so fearful that this chipping away at our intimacy and closeness will result in complete estrangement the more I distance myself. I am 33 years old, no kids, this is my first marriage, I hoped it would be my last.
I have gone past sadness, now I'm downright pissed and incredulous. HOW does this liquid have such a hold on him and how can he not see it - he reaches for a Bud Light the way others go for water. He's in deep denial and it's pathetic.
Somebody out there, HELP..
I am leaving work now because I am so exhausted, so tormented by all of this sudden anxiety and confusion and yes, fear. I have been married less than 3 months and feel like this already? My god, we are dead in the water.
I don't know what I am going to do. I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure -we just had a glorious pricey wedding in May - my family has no clue about his drinking problem - ironically, his mom told me long ago she was afraid I would leave him someday, that I was his second chance and that they had been concerned about his drinking for years. His father was an A as well. He has alternated between defensiveness on the subject and has admitted to 'going overboard' but he downplays it, after all, he has FULL CONTROL.
I am sick of it, tired of the tension, when I see the subtle changes come about, tired of his sexual overtures when he's got a buzz on and then the pouty, passive aggressive anger when I reject him. Hey, who wouldn't?
I am so over it all and now feel trapped. I love this man but cannot stand who he becomes and am so fearful that this chipping away at our intimacy and closeness will result in complete estrangement the more I distance myself. I am 33 years old, no kids, this is my first marriage, I hoped it would be my last.
I have gone past sadness, now I'm downright pissed and incredulous. HOW does this liquid have such a hold on him and how can he not see it - he reaches for a Bud Light the way others go for water. He's in deep denial and it's pathetic.
Somebody out there, HELP..
I am leaving work now because I am so exhausted, so tormented by all of this sudden anxiety and confusion and yes, fear. I have been married less than 3 months and feel like this already? My god, we are dead in the water.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Gracie.
I'm betting the first couple of times you posted some of us nagged you about going to alanon. Did you? If not, we can nag you some more.
Do something nice for you today and tell yourself 50 or so times... "I don't have to make a decision today." That may help with the panicking.
Hugs!
Smoke
I'm betting the first couple of times you posted some of us nagged you about going to alanon. Did you? If not, we can nag you some more.
Do something nice for you today and tell yourself 50 or so times... "I don't have to make a decision today." That may help with the panicking.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Gracie
Yep, I can nag with the best of them, I did it for many
yrs before alanon showed me there are better ways..
Until I came into the program, my obsessive behaviors
in trying to save my son and daughter did nothing but
make me crazier. I have since learned I cannot change
what another human being has there mind set on doing
that could be drinking or anything else. But I can take some
control over my self.
Rather then make any big or rash decisions while angry, as
Smoke suggested tell yourself you do not have to make
any deciosions today. Give yourself a needed mental rest
and maybe check into alanon and what is has to offer for you.
Peace and serenity await !
Hugs
liddy
Yep, I can nag with the best of them, I did it for many
yrs before alanon showed me there are better ways..
Until I came into the program, my obsessive behaviors
in trying to save my son and daughter did nothing but
make me crazier. I have since learned I cannot change
what another human being has there mind set on doing
that could be drinking or anything else. But I can take some
control over my self.
Rather then make any big or rash decisions while angry, as
Smoke suggested tell yourself you do not have to make
any deciosions today. Give yourself a needed mental rest
and maybe check into alanon and what is has to offer for you.
Peace and serenity await !
Hugs
liddy
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Originally posted by gracie
I have gone past sadness, now I'm downright pissed and incredulous. HOW does this liquid have such a hold on him and how can he not see it - he reaches for a Bud Light the way others go for water.
I have gone past sadness, now I'm downright pissed and incredulous. HOW does this liquid have such a hold on him and how can he not see it - he reaches for a Bud Light the way others go for water.
Don't feel bad about realizing he has an addiction at this point in time (3 months past the wedding).
There is such a Jekyll/Hyde thing to this, they look SO NORMAL and loving at times (especially early in the relationship). Then the monster side slowly emerges.
Rather than you being so blind, it's probably more likely that the alcoholic in him hid itself from you in order to manipulate you into being with him. Once secure in winning you over, the sobriety became too burdensome for him.
I mean, if you had seen him consistently drunk the month before the wedding, or on the day of the wedding, you'd have postponned/canceled the wedding, right?
Someone once said that alcoholics will only do what they are forced to do. So, for short periods of time, we can motivate them to behave well if they think there is some kind of reward. But, they'll always go back to their preferred state of drunkness once they've gotten what they were after.
Pick up the pieces of your life, and make a good life for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Gracie,
Please don't beat yourself up about this.....we've all been there. Decisions don't have to be made TODAY, but do remember that the money for the wedding and friends that were there and the fact that it is only three months later.....don't mean a THING!!! Search your TRUE feelings and go with where they lead you...all the rest is just stuff, stuff that sometimes "pressures" us (codie's) into feeling responsible to sticking with it.
Take a break from worrying and do something just for you!
Blessings, Constant
Please don't beat yourself up about this.....we've all been there. Decisions don't have to be made TODAY, but do remember that the money for the wedding and friends that were there and the fact that it is only three months later.....don't mean a THING!!! Search your TRUE feelings and go with where they lead you...all the rest is just stuff, stuff that sometimes "pressures" us (codie's) into feeling responsible to sticking with it.
Take a break from worrying and do something just for you!
Blessings, Constant
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
about a short marriage
Hi, hope you are feeling better now. I know your emotions are all in a jumble right now and that has to come first but I do want to give you a little hope for the future.
I want to address feeling bad about a big wedding, 3 months, and feeling like a failure.
First of all, you didn't do it all by yourself, did you? I don't mean that you did it at all, but seems like you are taking a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.
But more important. One time I was in an impossible situation. I had a big wedding, my parents were finally happy with me, I thought troubles were behind me, all that. Well - inside of a month or two it was a mess. I would be embarrassed to tell you how very bad it was. It was not all him, either, but in trying to cope, I got myself into an even bigger mess. No way out, I thought. And I told no one. I was bound and determined to make the best of it, I had failed too many times before -
A girlfriend won a trip and I went with her, for 10 days. I didn't care if my husband approved or not, I just did what I wanted by that point. Well - with distance - it dawned on me - I am not going to throw the rest of my life away just so I won't be embarrassed. And I don't owe anyone my life, not him, not my parents, nobody. I went home and started "cleaning house", all the way around. I was cold, I didn't care about the consequences, the cost, let the chips fall where they may. I got myself free. People sure were surprised.
He ended up in rehab when nothing else would work. He got clean and he stayed clean, first time. I saw him through that as "someone he used to know" but I still didn't take him back. I didn't even like him any more. Too much had happened. Anyway, he was still a jacka.., just a sober one. While he was feeling humble I got him to sign the divorce papers. He ended up being a crusader to the point the rehab people asked him to calm it down. Still clean the last I heard.
I cleaned up my personal business and moved away. I married a sweet kind man, of course, another A. Go figure again. But at least I like this one most of the time. Maybe you can do better than me on that point.
So what I am saying it - don't let embarrassment stop you. It is your life. If that is what you decide to do, mistakes can be corrected. Save yourself.
I want to address feeling bad about a big wedding, 3 months, and feeling like a failure.
First of all, you didn't do it all by yourself, did you? I don't mean that you did it at all, but seems like you are taking a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.
But more important. One time I was in an impossible situation. I had a big wedding, my parents were finally happy with me, I thought troubles were behind me, all that. Well - inside of a month or two it was a mess. I would be embarrassed to tell you how very bad it was. It was not all him, either, but in trying to cope, I got myself into an even bigger mess. No way out, I thought. And I told no one. I was bound and determined to make the best of it, I had failed too many times before -
A girlfriend won a trip and I went with her, for 10 days. I didn't care if my husband approved or not, I just did what I wanted by that point. Well - with distance - it dawned on me - I am not going to throw the rest of my life away just so I won't be embarrassed. And I don't owe anyone my life, not him, not my parents, nobody. I went home and started "cleaning house", all the way around. I was cold, I didn't care about the consequences, the cost, let the chips fall where they may. I got myself free. People sure were surprised.
He ended up in rehab when nothing else would work. He got clean and he stayed clean, first time. I saw him through that as "someone he used to know" but I still didn't take him back. I didn't even like him any more. Too much had happened. Anyway, he was still a jacka.., just a sober one. While he was feeling humble I got him to sign the divorce papers. He ended up being a crusader to the point the rehab people asked him to calm it down. Still clean the last I heard.
I cleaned up my personal business and moved away. I married a sweet kind man, of course, another A. Go figure again. But at least I like this one most of the time. Maybe you can do better than me on that point.
So what I am saying it - don't let embarrassment stop you. It is your life. If that is what you decide to do, mistakes can be corrected. Save yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 27
All of your words are encouraging. I am going to look into local Al Anon meetings - needless to say, my husband got a bit panicky when I told him that I can't live like this, that I am tired of feeling responsible for him, tired of living a lie. I don't want it to seem that he is an out of control drunk, I think part of why this has crept up on me so slowly is because he actually doesn't get DRUNK all the time so I was doing a lot of second guessing for a long time - I have never in my life been around drinkers and still question what makes drinking problematic? How often, how much? Anyway, he started to protest, I heard the usual 'I have it under control' speech, I told him I was not interested in hearing a word about it, talk is cheap. I read to him all of the signs and symptoms of an alcoholic and told him he exhibits all of them - I can tell he is feeling more scared, not so much of what he thinks I know to be true but maybe because it is a bit more real to him since I am reading - all of his responses are first class addict responses. If it wasn't painful, it would be downright comical.. oh, the lies we tell ourselves.
I don't know what will happen. I find it so interesting that for the last 2 days which have been beer free, my warm feelings return. I was looking at him last night, sleeping quietly and peacefully and I felt this rush of feelings for him. I love him so much, I never would have married him if not, I just want him to be the best man he can be and I hate that he struggles with this addiction and it's even more disturbing to think he doesn't see it as addiction. I see him sometimes as damaged and I have to admit that I have definitely enjoyed my status of his 'angel' - I see how codependent that is and really how screwed up that is too - I mean, shouldn't both partners be healthy for your marriage to be healthy?
I am not hell bent on leaving him, but I am hell bent on learning the skills to take care of myself. My biggest thing is shame, shame for my mother to know the truth, shame all around actually. I even 'embellish' for his own mom's sake. She knows he has a history of drinking and she worries, I tell her he's ok, it's not so bad and so on. I guess comparatively, things are better. He and his former wife were both drunk 24-7 to hear the family tell it - such lovely dysfunction...
I am going to keep coming here to read other's stories, it helps so much to know I am not alone. I just hope he will come to see that he is not alone either and he can have a better life, if he wants it..
I don't know what will happen. I find it so interesting that for the last 2 days which have been beer free, my warm feelings return. I was looking at him last night, sleeping quietly and peacefully and I felt this rush of feelings for him. I love him so much, I never would have married him if not, I just want him to be the best man he can be and I hate that he struggles with this addiction and it's even more disturbing to think he doesn't see it as addiction. I see him sometimes as damaged and I have to admit that I have definitely enjoyed my status of his 'angel' - I see how codependent that is and really how screwed up that is too - I mean, shouldn't both partners be healthy for your marriage to be healthy?
I am not hell bent on leaving him, but I am hell bent on learning the skills to take care of myself. My biggest thing is shame, shame for my mother to know the truth, shame all around actually. I even 'embellish' for his own mom's sake. She knows he has a history of drinking and she worries, I tell her he's ok, it's not so bad and so on. I guess comparatively, things are better. He and his former wife were both drunk 24-7 to hear the family tell it - such lovely dysfunction...
I am going to keep coming here to read other's stories, it helps so much to know I am not alone. I just hope he will come to see that he is not alone either and he can have a better life, if he wants it..
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Mars
Posts: 4
Hi Gracie,
I can totally relate to your feelings of being ashamed. I married my A after being around him and his drinking for 5 years. It took me another 8 years to reach my breaking point. My family thought I didn't like to be with them but now they know the truth about how I have been living my life which is what kept me from spending more time with them (I couldn't just take them up on an invitation to things like a last minute cookout because hubby was usually out of comission by 10:00 AM on any given weekend so I would have to make up an excuse of why we couldn't go to their house at 1:00 etc.) It was an overwhelming thing to tell them the truth and face my shame for getting myself into this kind of mess but what a relief at the same time. Living with lies to cover up for the A in your life gets very tiresome.
I think I hung on for so long because I kept believing that it would all stop soon but it just kept getting worse and just like you said, he didn't see it as a problem. He even says that I was fine with it all this time so why am I changing now? I tell him that I wasn't OK with what was happening and I finally got to a point where I couldn't take it any more. I guess by waiting patiently and pretending things were OK by maintaining our lives, I gave him the message that what he was doing was OK (I guess that would be the description of codependency huh?) I'm still at the beginning stage of breaking away and I still don't know where the cards will fall but at least I'm not living under lies any more and I'm finally enjoying my family again!
I can totally relate to your feelings of being ashamed. I married my A after being around him and his drinking for 5 years. It took me another 8 years to reach my breaking point. My family thought I didn't like to be with them but now they know the truth about how I have been living my life which is what kept me from spending more time with them (I couldn't just take them up on an invitation to things like a last minute cookout because hubby was usually out of comission by 10:00 AM on any given weekend so I would have to make up an excuse of why we couldn't go to their house at 1:00 etc.) It was an overwhelming thing to tell them the truth and face my shame for getting myself into this kind of mess but what a relief at the same time. Living with lies to cover up for the A in your life gets very tiresome.
I think I hung on for so long because I kept believing that it would all stop soon but it just kept getting worse and just like you said, he didn't see it as a problem. He even says that I was fine with it all this time so why am I changing now? I tell him that I wasn't OK with what was happening and I finally got to a point where I couldn't take it any more. I guess by waiting patiently and pretending things were OK by maintaining our lives, I gave him the message that what he was doing was OK (I guess that would be the description of codependency huh?) I'm still at the beginning stage of breaking away and I still don't know where the cards will fall but at least I'm not living under lies any more and I'm finally enjoying my family again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 27
Wow - 8 years, huh? I don't think I could take another year if things did not improve. The thing is IF he said he had a problem, there is no way I would walk out on him - I am a big believer in making aggressive efforts to be the best you can - that's all I want him to do - get honest with himself and make the effort to be better. For me to think who he is now might be the best I get is very depressing indeed.
I can't say that his drinking has really affected family stuff and so on - for the most part, we are both homebodies anyway but he is quite capable at holding it all together - ironically if we are busy, he's less apt to want a drink - he gets into trouble when he's idle. Here's the kicker - I believe he has ADD or ADHD, whichever version affects adults. He is unbelieveably hyper active, has all the problems that go with the disorder and I wonder sometimes if THIS is the real culprit - he admits that drinking 'mellows' him out - now, who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg but if this is the case, he would avoid seeking medical treatment due to the 'stigma' attached- he is a 38 year old man. I know he had learning disabilities (dyslexia) and back in his school days, there was no real awareness for these things. I have mentioned this but he shrugs it off - however, his deceased father was a major A so I guess he's got BOTH problems - oh, lucky me..
Boy, to paint this picture, it's pretty bleak - a hyperactive drunk - what a winning combination! At least the image this brings to mind puts a smile on my face which is a first in the last couple days.
Tonight will be a test - I am under the weather and plan to rest this evening - he will inevitably be watching tv and this is normally when he needs Mr. Bud to keep him company. The irony is that I would LOVE it if at the end of the work week, he could come home, have a few beers, relax and enjoy. Unfortunately, he can't seem to stop before he gets 'stinkin- thinkin'...
I can't say that his drinking has really affected family stuff and so on - for the most part, we are both homebodies anyway but he is quite capable at holding it all together - ironically if we are busy, he's less apt to want a drink - he gets into trouble when he's idle. Here's the kicker - I believe he has ADD or ADHD, whichever version affects adults. He is unbelieveably hyper active, has all the problems that go with the disorder and I wonder sometimes if THIS is the real culprit - he admits that drinking 'mellows' him out - now, who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg but if this is the case, he would avoid seeking medical treatment due to the 'stigma' attached- he is a 38 year old man. I know he had learning disabilities (dyslexia) and back in his school days, there was no real awareness for these things. I have mentioned this but he shrugs it off - however, his deceased father was a major A so I guess he's got BOTH problems - oh, lucky me..
Boy, to paint this picture, it's pretty bleak - a hyperactive drunk - what a winning combination! At least the image this brings to mind puts a smile on my face which is a first in the last couple days.
Tonight will be a test - I am under the weather and plan to rest this evening - he will inevitably be watching tv and this is normally when he needs Mr. Bud to keep him company. The irony is that I would LOVE it if at the end of the work week, he could come home, have a few beers, relax and enjoy. Unfortunately, he can't seem to stop before he gets 'stinkin- thinkin'...
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
gracie,
You have taken the first baby step in YOUR journey with Alcoholism by coming here...
you are now aware there is a problem....
so you can try to go back to the river of denial or you can go forward...
All the suggestions here are telling you we got healthier by going
to Al-Anon...The program can give YOU tools to use that have worked for others whether they are still living with the A or not...
Hopefully you will read all the Power Posts, find a meeting to go to, It is Anonymous, you know and you can find a meeting where no one knows you or your family...
Love and prayers from one who cares
You have taken the first baby step in YOUR journey with Alcoholism by coming here...
you are now aware there is a problem....
so you can try to go back to the river of denial or you can go forward...
All the suggestions here are telling you we got healthier by going
to Al-Anon...The program can give YOU tools to use that have worked for others whether they are still living with the A or not...
Hopefully you will read all the Power Posts, find a meeting to go to, It is Anonymous, you know and you can find a meeting where no one knows you or your family...
Love and prayers from one who cares
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Southwest USA
Posts: 23
Gracie,
Like you, I often feel so angry with myself for having made the choice to marry my husband. We married in our twenties (I was 21, he was 27) and I thought his drinking was a phase he would outgrow. I look back now and wonder how I could have ever believed that.
Like you, I also used to get angry about what he was doing to the public perception of us -- we are both professionals, and often go to social events where people comment on how lucky we are, how we are "the perfect couple," and I think, "if they only knew..." I used to get angry because we weren't "the perfect couple," but now I know that even if he wasn't an alcoholic, we still wouldn't be perfect. No one is.
The way my husband is drinking now, I know that it won't be long before more people begin to realize he has a problem (mostly he drinks at home, at work he is Mr. Responsible and has been very good about hiding his problem from everyone but close friends and family), so I've had to come to terms with the fact that his "rock bottom," whenever he hits it, may not be a secret -- indeed, given our careers, it may well be a public event! I am ready for it, ready to admit to everyone in my little world that there is a problem, we are not Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. I think I will almost be relieved once the true nature of my life is revealed -- I don't go around telling people I'm married to an alcoholic, of course, so most people I know don't understand why I can be so sad sometimes, or so angry. Maybe you will feel better once your family knows what is going on, maybe they will be supportive.
I hope it helps to hear that there are other people dealing with situations similar to yours...I know it helped me to read your posts and those that followed.
Like you, I often feel so angry with myself for having made the choice to marry my husband. We married in our twenties (I was 21, he was 27) and I thought his drinking was a phase he would outgrow. I look back now and wonder how I could have ever believed that.
Like you, I also used to get angry about what he was doing to the public perception of us -- we are both professionals, and often go to social events where people comment on how lucky we are, how we are "the perfect couple," and I think, "if they only knew..." I used to get angry because we weren't "the perfect couple," but now I know that even if he wasn't an alcoholic, we still wouldn't be perfect. No one is.
The way my husband is drinking now, I know that it won't be long before more people begin to realize he has a problem (mostly he drinks at home, at work he is Mr. Responsible and has been very good about hiding his problem from everyone but close friends and family), so I've had to come to terms with the fact that his "rock bottom," whenever he hits it, may not be a secret -- indeed, given our careers, it may well be a public event! I am ready for it, ready to admit to everyone in my little world that there is a problem, we are not Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. I think I will almost be relieved once the true nature of my life is revealed -- I don't go around telling people I'm married to an alcoholic, of course, so most people I know don't understand why I can be so sad sometimes, or so angry. Maybe you will feel better once your family knows what is going on, maybe they will be supportive.
I hope it helps to hear that there are other people dealing with situations similar to yours...I know it helped me to read your posts and those that followed.
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