blessed4x

I saw my counselor today, and am just reflecting some things I'm learning. Today I discovered that I vacillate between running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to solve all of my marital problems and doing nothing at all. My thinking is all black or white.....no shades of gray. Either I am right, find justice and fix him, or I'm in the dumps barely able to move. The thought of taking the focus off of him and his behaviors has paralyzed me. Looking at my own stuff is hard, really hard.

She asked me what would happen if I just didn't engage, didn't "seek justice", didn't spend all my energy "out there" analyzing. My first thought was that then I would be percieved as being cold, or that I was surrendering to being "wrong". She said "So what.....in your heart you KNOW the truth." What does it matter what his perceptions of me are? Why am I so invested in getting through to him? I am beginning to see that his accusations are projections of his own stuff......I can believe that what I am feeling is authentic even when he tells me my feelings aren't valid and don't matter. I do have worth and even if I have put my self-worth on the bottom of my list for 21 years of marriage (and really much longer than that). I know I will slip back in to old ways of thinking and doing, but I am starting to recognize when I do.

So I am striving to have a balance, to find the "grays" in my black and white world. I love this recovery stuff......and I don't. Maybe this is what "it hurts so good" is all about. Some day soon this ugly little caterpillar is breaking free.

Freedom1990

I struggled with that all or nothing attitude for a long time, so I empathize with what you are going through!

I know balance was so foreign to me when I finally got into recovery. I can honestly say that as I worked hard at finding balance, it did become easier with time.

I often had to sit on my hands or just 'zip my lip' when I knew I was wanting to launch into fix-it mode again!

Barbara52

Sometimes the right thing to do is nothing at all. Sometimes, its time to just feel or to not feel, to think or not think.

I have found that it helps me to take time just to meditate and be. After some period of time, I find myself ready to deal with whatever it is I feel the need to deal with in a calmer more rational frame of mind. Sometimes I realize I don't have to deal with anything right then either.

blessed4x

[QUOTE=Barbara52;2137207]Sometimes the right thing to do is nothing at all. Sometimes, its time to just feel or to not feel, to think or not think.
[QUOTE]

That's the exact advice I got from my counselor.....to be still and listen, to calm my heart and be present with myself. That's a very foreign thing for me to do, and according to her that's pretty typical of the codependent personality.....always flitting about outside ourselves putting out fires in everyone elses lives, and our own.

Barbara52

[QUOTE=blessed4x;2137231
That's the exact advice I got from my counselor.....to be still and listen, to calm my heart and be present with myself. That's a very foreign thing for me to do, and according to her that's pretty typical of the codependent personality.....always flitting about outside ourselves putting out fires in everyone elses lives, and our own.[/QUOTE]


Something I found very helpful in learning to consciously relax is do breath prayers.

Pick a phrase or Bible verse. Say half as you slowly breathe in, the other half as you slowly breathe out.

Any phrase that is meaningful to you can work: let go, Let God is a nice short one that fits perfectly in the breathing patten you want to have. The breathing pattern alone can be very helpful as those who do yoga can tell you.

I do this many time during the day, where ever I am, just to center myself and take a moment to relax and gather myself.

I am still struggling to learn to do deeper meditation since it is contrary to who I use to be. But I will get there. It only take practice. You can get tere too.

LaTeeDa

I spent most of my life thinking if everyone else would just do things my way, life would be grand. I had it all figured out, it's just that the rest of the world wasn't cooperating. So I devoted all my energy to getting the world/other people to get with the program. OMG, I was crazy!

Looking back, I see that it was all a big diversion. As long as I was intently focused on others, I didn't have to face myself and my own insecurities. I think that's why it's so hard to let go, because then all you're left with is yourself. And, for me at least, it wasn't very pretty. I had a lot of ugly ol' baggage I had been dragging around for decades. I had to stop and open it up and rummage through it--yuck pooey!

Now, though, I'm so glad I sorted through all that stuff. I was able to leave behind the unhelpful and self-destructive pieces, dust off the helpful pieces that had been neglected, and discover some things I didn't even know were there.

Sorting through it is hard, but just like cleaning out a closet, it feels so much better after you do.

L