Fiance has an alcoholic ex-wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1
Fiance has an alcoholic ex-wife
Hi all,
I have never been here before (and never thought I would have a reason to post here) but I thought you all might be able to help me.
My boyfriend has an alcoholic ex-wife. We have been together for over 2 years and she has not had an episode in about a year in a half (the last time it happened, the relationship was too new for it really to be much of an issue for me). The other night, she fell off of the wagon. They have a child who is a together, so he went and got her.
Of course, it is of paramount importance that the teen be rescued from the situation, and he went back to my boyfriend's house. My question is, what are the appropriate boundaries in this situation?
I am not at all uncomfortable with him rescuing the son, but somehow the idea of him rescuing her from wherever she was (apparently close to passed out in front of the house of a friend who was not home) did not quite sit well with me. I have no experience with this, so maybe it is not a boundary violation for him to go and rescue her, given that there is a young teen involved, but I do have a problem with her continuing to rely on him (they have been divorced for 5 years) to discuss her woes as I feel like it is enabling her behavior. I guess given the sad state of economic affairs, I would worry that her slipping up is a problem that might occur with increasing frequency, and I must say that I'm pretty inexperienced as to how to handle the matter.
I do not want to be sucked in to this issue, and I do know that if her problems become his problems, then it all becomes my problem too. He is committed and loyal and has been very good with boundaries from what I can see, but any advice you have for me in this regard is greatly appreciated.
I have never been here before (and never thought I would have a reason to post here) but I thought you all might be able to help me.
My boyfriend has an alcoholic ex-wife. We have been together for over 2 years and she has not had an episode in about a year in a half (the last time it happened, the relationship was too new for it really to be much of an issue for me). The other night, she fell off of the wagon. They have a child who is a together, so he went and got her.
Of course, it is of paramount importance that the teen be rescued from the situation, and he went back to my boyfriend's house. My question is, what are the appropriate boundaries in this situation?
I am not at all uncomfortable with him rescuing the son, but somehow the idea of him rescuing her from wherever she was (apparently close to passed out in front of the house of a friend who was not home) did not quite sit well with me. I have no experience with this, so maybe it is not a boundary violation for him to go and rescue her, given that there is a young teen involved, but I do have a problem with her continuing to rely on him (they have been divorced for 5 years) to discuss her woes as I feel like it is enabling her behavior. I guess given the sad state of economic affairs, I would worry that her slipping up is a problem that might occur with increasing frequency, and I must say that I'm pretty inexperienced as to how to handle the matter.
I do not want to be sucked in to this issue, and I do know that if her problems become his problems, then it all becomes my problem too. He is committed and loyal and has been very good with boundaries from what I can see, but any advice you have for me in this regard is greatly appreciated.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
I think the need for your fiance to get his son was what is important here. I also think that talking with him about all the questions and conserns you have would be a great place to start.
Wishing you luck, I hope you get the help you need here! Welcome!
Wishing you luck, I hope you get the help you need here! Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Geez, that is a tough one. I feel for you.
Being an ex-wife who has experienced her own share of problems, I have had instances where my ex has stepped in and helped. He has a live-in girlfriend who is the sweetest person on earth--totally understanding. However, my ex knows how to set boundaries with me and lets me know what they are. Your boyfriend will probably have to do the same with his ex.
Being an ex-wife who has experienced her own share of problems, I have had instances where my ex has stepped in and helped. He has a live-in girlfriend who is the sweetest person on earth--totally understanding. However, my ex knows how to set boundaries with me and lets me know what they are. Your boyfriend will probably have to do the same with his ex.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I understand your weird feelings.
My parents have been divorced for 25years and my father is remarried. My mother has issues and never remarried, but he does help her now and again. It has nothing to do with his marriage to my stepmother or his love for her. He and mom share two girls together and I suppose they will always have that bond, no getting around it. So, IMHO he helps her with problems sometimes because of us and we are GROWN.
As long as you talk with your fiance about your feelings and he talks to you about his, that is a move in the right direction. From the prespective of the daughter, I am glad that Dad respects mom enough to help her. To me it shows that he is honorable. (SHE is not an A, but has mental issues that she chooses to leave untreated. Many similarities to being an A). My stepmother stays out of it, but I think knows that it is part of the package that she chose to marry.
BTW, if he shows her kindness, that is awesome as you too will be treated with respect. A good thing.
I hope that helps.
Miss
My parents have been divorced for 25years and my father is remarried. My mother has issues and never remarried, but he does help her now and again. It has nothing to do with his marriage to my stepmother or his love for her. He and mom share two girls together and I suppose they will always have that bond, no getting around it. So, IMHO he helps her with problems sometimes because of us and we are GROWN.
As long as you talk with your fiance about your feelings and he talks to you about his, that is a move in the right direction. From the prespective of the daughter, I am glad that Dad respects mom enough to help her. To me it shows that he is honorable. (SHE is not an A, but has mental issues that she chooses to leave untreated. Many similarities to being an A). My stepmother stays out of it, but I think knows that it is part of the package that she chose to marry.
BTW, if he shows her kindness, that is awesome as you too will be treated with respect. A good thing.
I hope that helps.
Miss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'll tell you what I hope you don't do:
My ex and I have two children together. His long-term live-in g/f has never met me (her choice, I wouldn't mind meeting her). About twice a month, I have an issue with our son, who is 16 and sometimes is disobediant, or with daughter's college tuition or fees that I need to get his input on/help with, since he pays no child support (he makes a lot less money than I do).
However, his g/f won't let him take calls or call me at home ever. She even had my number blocked, although there has never been any fooling around or even flirting between us since we broke up 15 years ago and I have never called more than twice a month nor have I ever called them at an odd hour.
She also makes it clear that his kids aren't welcome in their apartment, so they never can spend the night there. And she throws a fit if he spends money on them! This has wreaked havoc on my son's self-esteem, as he feels his father has choosen g/f over him! And now, after about 10 years together, her jealous behavior is causing real problems between them and he has refused to marry her.
So do the opposite. "Act as if" for a while if need be. Be welcoming to his son, and polite to his ex if she is sober and calls the house to discuss the child at reasonable times and not too often. Don't be a jealous b!tch if she asks him to legitimately help her ocassionally with something she is unable to do by herself. Be understanding about his financial obligation to his son, too. Use your good common sense when determining if his actions are reasonable, ie:
1. It's five pm and ex calls his cell phone to tell him she's working overtime and needs him to pick up and watch his son. This is reasonable and should be supported as much as possible.
2. It's two am and ex calls for a ride home from a bar as she's too drunk to drive. This is inappropriate. He should go and get his son if he's unattended and tell her to find her own way home.
3. He is picking up his son from her house to take for an outing and ex asks him if he can stay for 30 minutes to talk about the sons' failing grade in geometry over coffee. This is appropriate and should be supported.
4. Ex's in the front yard of your home, puking and crying, screaming up at your window "I love you, please come back to me!!! This is inappropriate. Call the police and have him go get his son.
5. Your man gets invited to sons' sports award night. He should attend, and so should she. So should you, if you can and if the son wants you to come!
Anyway, you get the idea. You won't need help as it will be real clear if you use your head about what is appropriate.
Love,
KJ
My ex and I have two children together. His long-term live-in g/f has never met me (her choice, I wouldn't mind meeting her). About twice a month, I have an issue with our son, who is 16 and sometimes is disobediant, or with daughter's college tuition or fees that I need to get his input on/help with, since he pays no child support (he makes a lot less money than I do).
However, his g/f won't let him take calls or call me at home ever. She even had my number blocked, although there has never been any fooling around or even flirting between us since we broke up 15 years ago and I have never called more than twice a month nor have I ever called them at an odd hour.
She also makes it clear that his kids aren't welcome in their apartment, so they never can spend the night there. And she throws a fit if he spends money on them! This has wreaked havoc on my son's self-esteem, as he feels his father has choosen g/f over him! And now, after about 10 years together, her jealous behavior is causing real problems between them and he has refused to marry her.
So do the opposite. "Act as if" for a while if need be. Be welcoming to his son, and polite to his ex if she is sober and calls the house to discuss the child at reasonable times and not too often. Don't be a jealous b!tch if she asks him to legitimately help her ocassionally with something she is unable to do by herself. Be understanding about his financial obligation to his son, too. Use your good common sense when determining if his actions are reasonable, ie:
1. It's five pm and ex calls his cell phone to tell him she's working overtime and needs him to pick up and watch his son. This is reasonable and should be supported as much as possible.
2. It's two am and ex calls for a ride home from a bar as she's too drunk to drive. This is inappropriate. He should go and get his son if he's unattended and tell her to find her own way home.
3. He is picking up his son from her house to take for an outing and ex asks him if he can stay for 30 minutes to talk about the sons' failing grade in geometry over coffee. This is appropriate and should be supported.
4. Ex's in the front yard of your home, puking and crying, screaming up at your window "I love you, please come back to me!!! This is inappropriate. Call the police and have him go get his son.
5. Your man gets invited to sons' sports award night. He should attend, and so should she. So should you, if you can and if the son wants you to come!
Anyway, you get the idea. You won't need help as it will be real clear if you use your head about what is appropriate.
Love,
KJ
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