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How do you calm the beast???

Old 02-24-2009, 06:08 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i'd probably go the OTHER route and say Look Pal, either shut the F up or get the Hell out. i absolutely refuse to engage in this nonsense one more minute and if you do not leave, i shall. either way this stops, and it stops NOW. i ain't in the sh!t business, so quit giving me any........

sorry, my approach seems times leaves a bit to be desired in the tact and diplomacy dept, however people tell me my message is VERY clear!
I love you! This is so much better and direct. :ghug3
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Old 02-24-2009, 06:17 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I agree, Barb. Sometimes the get-outta-my-face and off-my-back approach does wonders to get an A to sit down and shut up - possibly from the shock of hearing the reaction! But, hey, if it works ...

An A with tons of recovery advised me to try it when I was whining about AH's latest shenanigans to drive me batty. He backed down big time when I went toe-to-toe and made it clear I wanted him to shut his big bazoo.
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:12 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Well, I am confused.

Many are saying this is normal, typical behavior of an alcoholic. It is what alcoholics do. It is how they act.

Others are saying he's a jerk. A sober jerk. A drunk jerk. He's a jerk. He hasn't drank for 3 weeks. Alcohol is not the problem. That is just his personality.

Can anyone clear this up for me???
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:13 AM
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Oh, and by the way. Yesterday was a brand new day. AH was nice as pie. He did not even bring up the temper tantrums of the day before. I am confused as hell by it but just left well enough alone.
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:25 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel View Post
Well, I am confused.

Many are saying this is normal, typical behavior of an alcoholic. It is what alcoholics do. It is how they act.

Others are saying he's a jerk. A sober jerk. A drunk jerk. He's a jerk. He hasn't drank for 3 weeks. Alcohol is not the problem. That is just his personality.

Can anyone clear this up for me???
He might be a drunk, a drunk jerk, a jerk, a sober jerk, or ten million other things or any combination of them all. It might be the alcohol. It might not be. It might be his personality. It might be his personality on alcohol.

None of these things are contradictory. There are no simple answers. Many things "cause" people to act the way they do. The reasons may change from day to day, even hour to hour. With or with the influence of an addiction.
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:57 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I have told my ABF on many occasions "Someone needs a poop and a nap, and it's not me." I leave you alone to take care of that, and I've left the house.
I can understand the frustration that leads to statements like this, but in my personal experiences belittling someone in this fashion (even if they are an addict) only perpetuated my sense of superiority and pride and flooded them (mostly my exabf, but often times my daughter and other family members) with anger resentment and shame.

My parents treated me that way and I know the issues I am having to heal from because of it, therefore I now make the choice not to do it to others.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:58 AM
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So true. We aren't there, we certainly aren't inside your husband's head, and it could be any or all of the above. WHY he's acting like an idiot is HIS problem.

Your only choice in this matter is whether you want to live like this forever, or force your kids to.
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Old 02-26-2009, 11:42 AM
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lilyflower, I see your point.

I also see that when someone is acting like a child and throwing temper tantrums following me from room to room to get me riled, they have already made themselves out to be a child.

I agree telling my ABF kindly that from his actions I BELIEVEhe is acting like a child, and I would like him to resolve his own problems in a more constructive manner would also be effective and alot less snarky.
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Old 02-26-2009, 11:50 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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It's very tempting to treat someone like a child when they act like one. I played that role with my husband for years. I cannot change the way he behaves, but I can change the way I react (or not) to his behavior. When I stopped trying to control him, got out of the way and left him to his own devices, MY life immediately became more tolerable. And, not so immediately, he changed, too.

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Old 02-26-2009, 12:22 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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That's always what would confuse the hell out of me -- binge, nice, binge, nice. Walk on eggshells to avoid a binge, walk on egg shells because he was being nice. He wasn't very often a jerk. But I was living on egg shells trying to control a situation that I ultimately had absolutely no control over. This in and of itself is emotionally abusive.

When others physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually abuse us, it is almost ALWAYS about power and control. They are losing control themselves and find a "boost" by asserting some kind of control over others. It's abusive and it errodes our self esteem. For me, there came a point that I couldn't make a simple decision, let alone a decision as life altering as leaving a 27 year relationship.

By setting some boundaries up, little by little, and refusing to accept unacceptable behaviour any longer, I have slowly started to be able to see things as they are. The decision making is getting easier. Admitting some of the decisions are out of my control is OK. It will be the demise of my marriage, but I'm starting to accept that. It sucks and it is painful, but it is the right thing to do. I reached my bottom. Try setting some boundaries that others have talked about (leave the room, do something else, go out -- whatever works for you) to take your power back.
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Old 02-26-2009, 02:15 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
Wouldn't it be so convenient if they made anti-depressants in the convenient blow dart applicator available over the counter?????

I have told my ABF on many occasions "Someone needs a poop and a nap, and it's not me." I leave you alone to take care of that, and I've left the house.
:rotfxko

nice.....yeah he's having a dry tantrum. The above response is about the best way to handle it!
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Old 02-26-2009, 02:34 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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My STXAH went through this when he was sober. There is a theory (some don't agree with) and that is there is such a thing as a dry drunk. The alcoholic stops drinking but seems to continue the alcoholic behaviors like when they drank. It takes a program of some kind to change their behaviors. I suppose someone who is a recovering alcoholic who is working a program could answer your question better then me, but that is my two cents.
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