ItsmeAlice

It seems I woke up on the other side of co-dependency, and it was a real eye opener.

Hang with me on this, it gets good at the end.

My mother loves cruises. Last fall she poked at me to go with her on a two-week trip until I agreed to go. We have fought on every trip we've ever been on together, and I secretly hoped HP would intervene and the cruise would be cancelled for some reason.

The trip is drawing closer, and she has been relentless in her control of every aspect of the planning to this point. She has reserved tours that she wants us to take after long discussions and compromises to choose things to do together. When I question her on it, she says she did it because she is sure I will like what she chose better.

I told her I could not decided what luggage to bring. She first insisted I bring everything in plastic bags to her house the day before the trip and use a bag of hers. I politely declined saying I might buy a bag. She then insisted on buying me luggage. I asked her repeatedly NOT to do that. On my birthday, I received two peices of expensive luggage from her. I didn't want to fight her on it so I politely thanked her. She said she knew I would like them because they are just like the ones she has.

I once half-heartedly lamented that I have lost a good bit of weight and would have to buy new clothes for the trip including a swimsuit and formal wear, and said I thought it would be fun to shop for pretty dresses (which I rarely wear). Since then, she has insisted that I wear some of her clothes and...yes...swimwear. Even after three weeks of phone calls telling her that I cannot fit into her clothes and don't think we have the same, ahem, style. (trying to be tactful there). Now, she wants to send me pictures via email so I can pick from her wardrobe what she should pack for me.

She calls me every other day about these things, and I just can't get her to let it go.

My final straw came this weekend. when I got a voicemail from her saying I was a big dufus because the personal info I entered online was all out of order on the cruise website, and she had to go in and fix it all herself. She told me I was lucky she was on top of this whole trip because if it were up to me, we would end up landing in the wrong destination entirely.

I cried most of the day yesterday about it. I cannot get over her need to control me and this whole thing. I wanted to crawl under the covers and hope it all went away.

I ended up calling her and telling her how upset I was. She laughed and said she didn't see what the big deal was. She said I just have to stop being so argumentative about everything and stop making her out to the be the badguy in all this.

As it stands now, she has apologized via email for calling me a big dufus but is still guilting and manipulating me about all the rest of it.

I am tactfully trying to find a way to end it and back out of the trip. I have tried to tell her that she does not listen to me or respect my feelings, but I might as well be talking to a shrub.

On to my revelation...

I am stunned. I had posted previously that I saw a lot of my mother in the origins of co-dependency, and found that it explained a lot for me personally about my behaviors with my ABF.

My feelings yesterday of wanting to crawl away and die and the struggle I've had today with my own addictive behaviors because of my feelings really opened my eyes to the affect co-dependency and control of another person (no matter how well intentioned) can have and the trigger it can be to turn to unhealthy ways to "escape."

Is this some of what my ABF feels when I have controlled him and tried to push him to quit drinking?? Wow.

Despite my usual blaming habit when it comes to my ABF. (Blaming alcohol, blaming myself etc). After this realization, I actually feel a real sense of acceptance of my part in our A/Codie relationship that I have not felt before. I feel very apologetic towards him for what I've done. I think I finally get what it must feel like to him to be around that kind of controlling energy from me and the guilt that must go with his resentment when he thinks that I really just mean well.

More than sorry,though, (and this is the silver lining on my weekend) I feel a strong feeling of resolve. FINALLY, I get it! Something I can actually fix....ME!

I didn't cause this...I'm believing that more every day.
I can't cure him...This one actually came easier.
and I can't control him...I am now bound and determined to stop trying to do this!

Peace.

Alice

bookwyrm

Amazing revelation!

JenT1968

way to go Alice, what a powerful story.

silkspin

Alice, I had a similar revelation in late fall after I'd been attending al anon for about a month. We are so hardened in our perspectives, and when something loosens and you 'see' your own behaviour in a new light, it's really an incredible feeling! I am temporarily living with my parents, and seeing my mom control of every single one of my dad's moves is really an in-my-face lesson of what I'd been doing. I know it was my AH's choice to drink, but holy cow, now I understand much better what he had to live with in my behaviour! It really helped me back off from him and focus on me. Good for you and good luck!

Seren

Great post, Alice! Thank you.

HG

dothi

This is a great sign that you are taking a step back and seeing the enmeshment in your mom's control for what it is. Urges to "crawl away and die" (lol) were a sign for me that I was letting go of my denial that my relationship with my dysfunctional parents was (1) too controlling, (2) lacked boundaries, and (3) not healthy for me. Rehearse your boundaries with your mom (even on this forum) and stay strong alice!

ItsmeAlice

Thank you all for your words of encouragement!

I think my HP did jump in there for me after all. I still had my doubts that my actions in the past towards my ABF have been anything but obvious acts of compassion and caring. What a crock!

I struggled in finding a way to explain my feeling about this to my mom. How do you tell someone they are killing you with kindness and that well intentions can be harmful? Now I see how much my ABF has probably struggled in trying to tell me the very same thing.

I finally did send an email to my mother backing out of the trip. I told that I kept trying to draft an explanation for the feelings that I have and for why I ultimately couldn't go with her, but just couldn't seem to do it and that I hope when the hurt feelings subside we will be able to talk about it.

She wrote a curt response and cut off further contact.

I feel guilty, deeply sad, and suddenly very lonely. If in the end I have to leave my ABF (which I fear more each day) I'm sure he'll will feel the same way, too.

Freedom1990

Alice, your mother sounds very much like mine.

I know how badly that hurts. :ghug :ghug

ICant

Good on you for following your own desires about not going on the trip. Yes your mother's feelings are hurt but I bet you've been trying to please her for years. This is your time to please yourself.

Linkmeister

[QUOTE] Oh, my God.....this is me so very much. My mom is a control freak extraordinare, all under the guise of wanting to be helpful to me to more or less have my life planned out. I am an only child and since I have been going to Al-Anon, all of these co-dependent behaviours of my mother and of me have come right to the surface as I see the same behaviours I exhibited toward ABF.

I'll give my ex husband credit - he saw them long before I did and the standing joke between us was always "Shoot me if I start to turn into my mom." I was and I did turn into her as I tried to control ABF's drinking.

These revelations are just coming to me now as I see my mom still trying to control my life when it comes to me and ABF. I've seen her behave like a child would toward me as she sulked, cried, lashed out at me, told me I was deserting her, because I'm moving a good distance away to be with him and the list of her behaviours toward me about this is pretty long. It's only when I went to Al-Anon and applied the three C's (Didn't cause, can't Control or Cure) to our relationship that she has settled into some form of acceptance. Each day, a bit more of the puzzle is revealed to me about how co-dependency affects our lives all down the line.

I see me with these same behaviours as I tried to control his drinking and tried to "save" him. Seeing them is the first step, addressing them, changing them won't happen overnight but being on the receiving end of them from my mom has helped me see how he felt when I went into panic mode over his drinking.

Accepting this - to me, anyway - is the first step towards healing. I've maintained from the start that both of us are healing and recovering together and like you, I feel very apologetic for the way I behaved toward him. There were days he told me to leave him alone 'cause he just couldn't bear to be around me when I got like this. In my mind, I meant well, I wanted to help - just like my mom tries to help me.

Each hour of each day, I get it more and more. That does not mean that I don't have my off moments when I talk to him (he's in rehab and we can talk for 15 minutes daily) when I hear him in a mood but unlike before, that was today, tomorrow will be different. I hang up, relax with a book or TV or my dog and focus on me.

Whenever my mind gets off track, I repeat the three C's out loud over and over and over. My dog knows them by heart now.