Aim

My cousin Shawn died last week. His body could not take anymore. He was 41. He has two teenage sons and a mother and sister who have already gone through this once before. Rarely do you witness pain of this magnitude. Aside from the sadness and the confusion, my primary reaction has been that of anger. Selfishly throughout the entire ordeal, my two brothers kept popping into my head. I am angrier than I think I have ever been in my life.

My brother, who was in a rehab program after jumping off of a bridge, decided to take the money I brought him, check himself out, and buy booze. He claims he was found bleeding on the sidewalk and brought to the hospital. He made a conscious decision to do this, with almost two months of sobriety/recovery under his belt. How is this possible? How do you pass up opportunities for recovery? I don't understand. He was supposed to enter a program at a half-way house. He is now in rehab again. My cousin got out of rehab last Monday and died on Tuesday.

My other brother, who is not in any better shape, called me yesterday. Lucky him…I am on a roll and will probably be these guys' worst nightmare from this point on. I told him the only difference between he and Shawn is that he is not dead. I asked him how much more he thought his body could take. I've never spoken to either one of them like this before. It came from someplace that I guess hasn't been tapped until now. This of course was met with defensiveness and the statement that he would prove me wrong. Good. Go ahead.

How is it that they can cause and experience so much pain while abusing alcohol and drugs, and yet consciously decide to pass up opportunities to get better? I understand that they are scared, but are they so scared that they'd rather opt for the alternative? They want to stay f'd up? Is that really easier? What am I not getting here?

At around 1 a.m. this morning I got a call from Shawn's sister. She is having a really hard time with this…the last day of Shawn's life had been spent back and forth between the street and her doorstep practically begging her to let him stay there. Like he had done a million times before. She said no this time, and stuck to it. She said he was like a lost little boy. She didn't get a hug or a kiss from him or tell him she loved him. He was mad. Totally struck a nerve. We aren't ones to dwell and wallow in this but we have a connection in that we've both been in this position for too long. I am scared. I don't want to be in her shoes ever. People have said to me, you might as well write them off. I can't.

I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting. I need feedback and some insight. I have to find a way to work through this.

Thanks in advance for any feedback.

Aim

Gabe

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process (if you can call grieving natural). I believe it is also part of dealing with people who are destroying their lives with drugs and alcohol. I spent a lot of time being angry at my mother and my ex-A for their destructive ways. Sometimes it's good to get that anger out. But it's dangerous to let anger consume your life.
As for the addicts, they are sick and they really can't see how their self-destruction is hurting people. I don't think they make a conscious choice to hurt us or themselves. They just become slaves to their addiction and that becomes their primary focus. And everyone that loves and cares for them becomes second, third or fourth on their list of priorities. Unfortunately, that is the nature of the beast.
I'm sorry for all of the pain and heartache you are going through right now. I'm glad you found this board, and I'm glad you're going to try an Alanon meeting. I am sure that both will help you immensely. Stick around, there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here and at Alanon meetings.
Peace,
Gabe

JT

((((Aim))))

You are making a wise choice. You have to save yourself and Al-Anon can do that.

The statistics are horrible for successful long term recovery altho I do hold on to hope for my son. I have watched him live on the streets and he is in jail right now.

Al-Anon has saved me from giving up my own life while watching him give up his.

Hugs to you and Shawn's sister,
JT

liddy

(((Aim)))
what happened to Shawn is my biggest
nightmare too. My daughters health is getting
worse due to alcoholism.
All we can do it keep praying,doing our alanon
things and sticking together for strength.Like JT,
alanon is keeping my life moving forward, I never want
to be in the dark pit that overtook me last year when I
just wanted to die.
Keep reaching out-we hear ya-and we'll be here
love
liddy

Aim

Thanks to you all. I appreciate your responses and support big time.

I have resisted accepting the fact that this has consumed me...I believe Shawn's death has brought me to that point though. It's time now to work through it w/help from Al-Anon and you guys to prevent it from consuming me any further. I am scared. I don't like to even entertain the thought or possibility that there is no hope. And the anger is still there. I need help facing that (as Gabe mentioned) they can't see the pain they are causing to themselves or the people that love them, and that they are slaves to this. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I need to face that they can't see, and stop trying to make them see. Or feel that it's up to me. I could go on and on. "Letting go" is so much bigger and involves so much more than I ever imagined.

I will definitely be back and again, thank you.

Aim

Daffodil

((((((Aim))))))

I came into Al-Anon without HOPE, there just didn't seem to be any left for the people I love the most in the world....

I remember very clearly how I felt before starting the Al-Anon program....

Today through some are still out the practicing their disease I know beyond a shodow of a doubt there is HOPE for them, you and for me...I ALSO know that they are doing the best they know how by the light they have to see by....

Al-Anon has given me many new tools to live my life and I leave them to live theirs...I don't have to accept unacceptably behavior but I can go on loving them.

Even your anger (in my opinion) is not only human but natural...

Al-Anon can give you the same wonderful tools it has given many of us who come to this site...There are alot of us who have walked the same path as you are walking right now...so please do give yourself to greatest gift in the world by going to Al-Anon, come here and doing the things suggested that fit and don't worry about the rest...

Please come back and let me know how you are doing?

Love and prayers from one who cares