Its just sunk in (first post)
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: victoria
Posts: 2
Its just sunk in (first post)
When i got together with my partner, the world stopped. I had found the person who completed me. I was never one for relationships, I'm still only 22 but this man, who is 9 years older than me was just swept me off my feet.
For the first 3-4 months everything was perfect, not an arguement or anything.
The first time I thought something was wrong was on a camping trip where after a few too many we started argueing- it just wouldnt stop. I admit that i was drinking too but i had never encountered somone so irattional. He even went as far as to go and involve other people i.e his sister and her girlfriend and they ended up ganging up on me also... the next day he kept drinking and the slightest thing i said would send him off. even when i drink ive always been a fun-loving happy person so this was a huge shock to me.
but I let it go
After being together a while we decided to take a 4 month road trip with his sister and her girlfriend.... i should have seen the signs earlier... before i knew it everytime he would drink there would be a massive arguement, sometimes resulting in phsyical from him pushing me around and hitting to me just trying to get him away from me my any means i could- sadly i must admit i have hit him too in defence of myself.
he would get into my face and use his head t push me over like he was trying to intimidate me. I realised he had a problem when we were 2 months into our trip and he started lying to me about alcohol. i would come home from work and he would be blind drunk, but lie about where he got the grog- we had very little money but he would fuind a way by buying cheap cast wine and skulling it before i got back at 2am then lie lie lie...
He would come into the shop i worked in that often had alot of party goers coming in till 2am and abuse me for spekaing to customers over him... drunk of course
he spent all of the money we had for xmas day to celebrate when i was at work on - getting wasted.
i should have left him, but he was the sweetest person when sober and he loves me so much...more than ive ever been loved.
over the trip he had us kicked out of several of the parks we stayed in for damaging property and screaming at me...
we finally decided to return- i couldnt wait to get back because we couldnt live together on our return- we are currently 3 hours away from eachother.
I unfourtunatly explained to him the day before valentines that we couldnt be together untill we had both fixed our lives- gotten jobs back a house ect. I also said he needs to get his drinking under control. Its not so much the drinking but what it does to my sweet wonderful boy but the emotional angry monster it turns him into.
since then we have spoken alot, he promised to quit drinking and is staying at his mums in order to do so. hearing a change and longing for my lover who i knew was still in there i agreed to meet with him next week and that once we get our lives sorted twe will give it another shot. everything was great, it was like we were getting back to the way we were....
untill tonight
he got drunk and ended up getting ditched by his brother (also drunk) 5kms fromanywhere. he calls me. he's angry hes screaming hes irrational, and from what i gather everyone seems to blame me even though im not a big drinker- mainly because of him.
so its finaLLY NOW 9 MONTHS LATER, sunk in that I am in love with an alcoholic. hoplessly. and that he is not going to change.
I have no idea how to tell him- he becomes depressed and cries very easily, i want so much to help him and be there and he is so dear to me but seeing him to this to himself is too much to bear and copping blame when i'm in another state is killing me.
Right now he is in pitch black with one thong no shirt lost in the bush and i have no way of helping him...
someone please help me... i love him but i cant handle this...
For the first 3-4 months everything was perfect, not an arguement or anything.
The first time I thought something was wrong was on a camping trip where after a few too many we started argueing- it just wouldnt stop. I admit that i was drinking too but i had never encountered somone so irattional. He even went as far as to go and involve other people i.e his sister and her girlfriend and they ended up ganging up on me also... the next day he kept drinking and the slightest thing i said would send him off. even when i drink ive always been a fun-loving happy person so this was a huge shock to me.
but I let it go
After being together a while we decided to take a 4 month road trip with his sister and her girlfriend.... i should have seen the signs earlier... before i knew it everytime he would drink there would be a massive arguement, sometimes resulting in phsyical from him pushing me around and hitting to me just trying to get him away from me my any means i could- sadly i must admit i have hit him too in defence of myself.
he would get into my face and use his head t push me over like he was trying to intimidate me. I realised he had a problem when we were 2 months into our trip and he started lying to me about alcohol. i would come home from work and he would be blind drunk, but lie about where he got the grog- we had very little money but he would fuind a way by buying cheap cast wine and skulling it before i got back at 2am then lie lie lie...
He would come into the shop i worked in that often had alot of party goers coming in till 2am and abuse me for spekaing to customers over him... drunk of course
he spent all of the money we had for xmas day to celebrate when i was at work on - getting wasted.
i should have left him, but he was the sweetest person when sober and he loves me so much...more than ive ever been loved.
over the trip he had us kicked out of several of the parks we stayed in for damaging property and screaming at me...
we finally decided to return- i couldnt wait to get back because we couldnt live together on our return- we are currently 3 hours away from eachother.
I unfourtunatly explained to him the day before valentines that we couldnt be together untill we had both fixed our lives- gotten jobs back a house ect. I also said he needs to get his drinking under control. Its not so much the drinking but what it does to my sweet wonderful boy but the emotional angry monster it turns him into.
since then we have spoken alot, he promised to quit drinking and is staying at his mums in order to do so. hearing a change and longing for my lover who i knew was still in there i agreed to meet with him next week and that once we get our lives sorted twe will give it another shot. everything was great, it was like we were getting back to the way we were....
untill tonight
he got drunk and ended up getting ditched by his brother (also drunk) 5kms fromanywhere. he calls me. he's angry hes screaming hes irrational, and from what i gather everyone seems to blame me even though im not a big drinker- mainly because of him.
so its finaLLY NOW 9 MONTHS LATER, sunk in that I am in love with an alcoholic. hoplessly. and that he is not going to change.
I have no idea how to tell him- he becomes depressed and cries very easily, i want so much to help him and be there and he is so dear to me but seeing him to this to himself is too much to bear and copping blame when i'm in another state is killing me.
Right now he is in pitch black with one thong no shirt lost in the bush and i have no way of helping him...
someone please help me... i love him but i cant handle this...
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Welcome. :ghug3
The best thing I think you can do for yourself is to learn more about alcoholism and what it means to have an alcoholic partner. The more you know, the easier it will be for you to take care of YOU.
Read through the stickies at the top of the forum - the Classic Reading section. When I first found this site I found the sticky section immensely helpful, if a little painful at times. It is amazing just how many of our stories are repeated all round the world. In particular, read the stickies about loving his potential and abuse. Because you do have an abusive relationship with this man.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, unless he manages to get sober, things will only get worse for both of you. I read 'Under the Influence' which helped answer a lot of my questions about my alcoholic. Then I read Melody Beattie's 'Co-dependant No More' which helped me answer the questions I had about why I put up with what I put up with for so long and how to start protecting myself and reach out for my own recovery. You ought to be able to pick up both of these from your library. I can't recommend them highly enough.
This board can offer you a lot of support - there are lots of us who have been in a similar situation. They will be along to welcome you too! In the meantime try and take care of yourself.
The best thing I think you can do for yourself is to learn more about alcoholism and what it means to have an alcoholic partner. The more you know, the easier it will be for you to take care of YOU.
Read through the stickies at the top of the forum - the Classic Reading section. When I first found this site I found the sticky section immensely helpful, if a little painful at times. It is amazing just how many of our stories are repeated all round the world. In particular, read the stickies about loving his potential and abuse. Because you do have an abusive relationship with this man.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, unless he manages to get sober, things will only get worse for both of you. I read 'Under the Influence' which helped answer a lot of my questions about my alcoholic. Then I read Melody Beattie's 'Co-dependant No More' which helped me answer the questions I had about why I put up with what I put up with for so long and how to start protecting myself and reach out for my own recovery. You ought to be able to pick up both of these from your library. I can't recommend them highly enough.
This board can offer you a lot of support - there are lots of us who have been in a similar situation. They will be along to welcome you too! In the meantime try and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by ashah 
i have no way of helping him...
Its very hard loving an A. You are very young. Please think very carefully about whether this is what you want your life to be for the next 5, 10, 30 years. Think about whether what you have right now is what you envisioned when you dreamed about someone to share your life with. Do not work on the basis of what his potential is, what you see some of the time. Work on what he is and what you have and decide whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I could not say it better than Barbara. I'm so sorry, ashah but......he has to WANT to get help, he has to find help for himself, and he has to stick with it.
You can't do any of that. All you can do is step back and hope it happens (for his sake) and ask yourself if you want to continue to be abused.
I'll tell you a bit from my own life: I stayed with a man who abused me because of what you said, that no one had ever loved me that way before. And, continuing that thought, that no one ever would. It was the chain that kept me terribly unhappy, all under the guise of "love" (which it wasn't, but that's another story)
That, in a nutshell, is a lie that keeps you in this situation. You are quite young and can't see that there are countless men in the world who will see your inner beauty, your own unique gifts, and love you for them. You're choosing to stay with a man who allows himself to turn into a monster, for fear you'll never find this feeling again..........and you must trust me, this feeling is not as scarce as you've convinced yourself it is.
Love him all you want, but I hope you'll love yourself more, and stop allowing yourself to be treated in this incredibly disrespectful and abusive way.
You can't do any of that. All you can do is step back and hope it happens (for his sake) and ask yourself if you want to continue to be abused.
I'll tell you a bit from my own life: I stayed with a man who abused me because of what you said, that no one had ever loved me that way before. And, continuing that thought, that no one ever would. It was the chain that kept me terribly unhappy, all under the guise of "love" (which it wasn't, but that's another story)
That, in a nutshell, is a lie that keeps you in this situation. You are quite young and can't see that there are countless men in the world who will see your inner beauty, your own unique gifts, and love you for them. You're choosing to stay with a man who allows himself to turn into a monster, for fear you'll never find this feeling again..........and you must trust me, this feeling is not as scarce as you've convinced yourself it is.
Love him all you want, but I hope you'll love yourself more, and stop allowing yourself to be treated in this incredibly disrespectful and abusive way.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I must agree with Barbara....you are so young, and you have to think of yourself and what you want in your life for the next number of years....
You deserve all that you hope for and dream of....will you be able to realize these things if you share your life with this man?
Hugs and good thoughts and best wishes, HG
You deserve all that you hope for and dream of....will you be able to realize these things if you share your life with this man?
Hugs and good thoughts and best wishes, HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Somebody told me recently that you can't help who you fall in love with. Don't beat yourself up about feeling love. It's a natural and wonderful emotion.
But don't forget to love yourself in this. It is easily done. You, your health and your sanity are important too. You can't control whether he drinks. But, and this is something I have learned over two years after meeting my A, you can control how you react and how much or little you let his behaviour have an effect on you.
But don't forget to love yourself in this. It is easily done. You, your health and your sanity are important too. You can't control whether he drinks. But, and this is something I have learned over two years after meeting my A, you can control how you react and how much or little you let his behaviour have an effect on you.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Ouch
If, you can catch him when sober, talk to him about his problem.
If, he can't see he has a problem with his drinking, run don't walk away as fast as you can.
It'll keep getting worse for you
If, you can catch him when sober, talk to him about his problem.
If, he can't see he has a problem with his drinking, run don't walk away as fast as you can.
It'll keep getting worse for you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by tallulah
Somebody told me recently that you can't help who you fall in love with.
In my life, I have heard too many battered women say, "Oh, but I'm so in LOVE with him!" to believe in the helplessness of love any more. And heaven knows what has happened to some of them.
Please take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by GiveLove
This is not something I agree with, for what it's worth. Though it's a popular notion (on TV, movies...) I don't believe love is a hole you fall into.....I think it's a choice you make based on your own cravings, needs, wishes, etc. We we are unhealthy within ourselves, we "fall in love" with someone who'll fulfill those cravings, whether or not they're good for us.
In my life, I have heard too many battered women say, "Oh, but I'm so in LOVE with him!" to believe in the helplessness of love any more. And heaven knows what has happened to some of them.
Please take care of yourself
In my life, I have heard too many battered women say, "Oh, but I'm so in LOVE with him!" to believe in the helplessness of love any more. And heaven knows what has happened to some of them.
Please take care of yourself
I didn't mean that the process is in some way inevitable or uncontrollable, or that it means it is irreversible.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
>>Originally Posted by tallulah
Somebody told me recently that you can't help who you fall in love with. <<
I, too, have heard this...I have heard it put in a slightly different way: "you don't get to choose who you fall in love with."
I think it could be debated heavily here. Fundamentally, I believe one's perspective is largely shaped by faith. Do you believe that your HP brought you and your significant one together or do you believe it was just coincidence?
Regardless, as people, we choose to live our lives out of free will, and for some that unfortunately means destructively.
I truly believe that the same faith that brings people together is also what can bring people into the light and see that there's a different way to live, and I believe that faith in a HP is also why so many people have the ability to walk away from lives that are just unmanageable.
Somebody told me recently that you can't help who you fall in love with. <<
I, too, have heard this...I have heard it put in a slightly different way: "you don't get to choose who you fall in love with."
I think it could be debated heavily here. Fundamentally, I believe one's perspective is largely shaped by faith. Do you believe that your HP brought you and your significant one together or do you believe it was just coincidence?
Regardless, as people, we choose to live our lives out of free will, and for some that unfortunately means destructively.
I truly believe that the same faith that brings people together is also what can bring people into the light and see that there's a different way to live, and I believe that faith in a HP is also why so many people have the ability to walk away from lives that are just unmanageable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
You cannot fall in love with someone unless you spend time with them. If you spend time with unhealthy people, then those are the ones you might fall for. There are red flags from the beginning. I ignored them all or addressed them and thought that his word meant they wouldn't be a problem.
Again, if you spend time with unhealthy people, they are the ones you will fall for.
Again, if you spend time with unhealthy people, they are the ones you will fall for.
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