freeflower

On Friday, my oldest daughter called me and said, mom come to my office, a delivery was made here for you. I thought "she" was tricking me into coming and getting something from her ..like choclate. I went there and a big bouquet of flowers was on her desk with a card. She said, they just came..so I opened the card and it was Ah. He wrote," I'm not sure about much of anything these days but one thing I am sure of is that there will never be anyone else in my life or in my heart but you. Have a nice v-day and a great life love jer"
I didn't read the card to my DD and went home only to have my youngest DD call and ask if I called him to say thanks..............so I left a voice mail on his phone that said, thanks, completely unnessecary but appreciated. Than yesterday, she calls agin and said dad called an left her a voice mail sounding all sad and she couldn't reach him............GOD.
I told her again that I don't want to talk or hear about him. Of course, now my mind is back to racing and my stomach has a slight uneasiness and I was up for the last 2 nights tossing and turning and dreaming I was lost and no one would help me.
I know I have to put an end to this. I'm not right yet. I feel like I will completely pull the rug out from under him and I feel guilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I hate this. I thought I could just sail on with my life but I guess I will have to make the final move.
He still is activily drinking downtown..I hear bout it when I least expect it..and he has done nothing to try to stop.
I read your post TC......I need to do the same thing before I have a stroke.
Is this all quakking at it's best??????????????????

Pelican

You could donate the flowers to your local hospice home. The residents and staff would greatly appreciate the flowers. It would also allow you to reach out to someone that appreciates your efforts.

I hope you find your peace.

Seren

When my exH would send me flowers--after HE filed for a divorce--after HE would not give up his girlfriend--telling me how much he missed me and how much he loved me, I would pull individual flowers out of the bouquet and give them to the women and men whom I worked with. He wanted me to feel a particular way, but that was on him, not on me. If he wanted to keep sending flowers....more flowers for everyone around me!!!!

Sorry to hear about all the drama and all the manipulating he is doing to the girls. Lots of hugs and good thoughts coming your way!
HG

ToughChoices

I think my STBXAH loves me very much. Maybe your AH loves you, too. Maybe he means what he said in that note.
So what?

His love comes with:
1.)Drunkenness
2.)Emotional instability
3.)Power plays and manipulation
4.)Depression
5.)Physical illness
6.)Legal problems

Now, love may cover over a multitude of sins, but, I've tried and, for me, it can't cover all of those. Not at the same time.

So, I had to take the love out of the picture and ask, on a practical level, "Are we compatible? Are we heading in the same direction?"

That answer was a resounding NO. No matter what my heart said. No matter how much P swore he loved me. No matter how many flowers he sent or letters he wrote.

If you can't live together, you can't live together.

And, I awfulized the "conversation" about divorce needlessly. You really never know how anyone will react.

Breathe deep. It will be ok.
Thinking of you today, freeflower!

-TC

courtney1111

I too believe my AH loves me in his own sick way I guess. However his love is about him and him only. About the way he feels, how miserable he is....he, he he...on and on. Stay strong and true to yourself!! <<<hugs>>>

Courtney

timetogo

I agree with everyone here. I know that my AH loves me very much as well. As I do him. We just don't like each other very much lol! It just shouldn't hurt this much to love someone.

He sent me a very heartfelt letter the other day about what he is going through right now, and this man doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve very often (one of the "other" things wrong with our relationship). I responded by saying I was sorry he was going through all of these things and I knew the feeling well. I told him some of what I was going through but low and behold, he didn't want to hear about them. Courtney, I agree............hehehehehe. You say that you feel you will pull the rug out from under him.............you know he is an adult with choices. If the "rug comes out" he has to be responsible. No matter what you say or do will make a difference in that outcome.

It's time to focus on you you you you!! Be strong and don't let the good erase the bad.

freeflower

I did somethig...I drove over and opened the garage door and called him. He didn't answer twice so i went in...I had a bill that came to both of us from our dentist and thought I could straighten that out. I also took all my notes and journal writings and middle of the night freak outs I had wrote down. All my doodles at work and just everthing I have wrote down since I left. Lots of quotes from here and imfo i've read in my melody beatty books. Very personal and honest feelings, my fears etc. I gave the whole packet to him. I said do what you want with this. I have not been just having a free ride here and I thought you might understand why I am gone a little better. Then I left.
He'll either be angry or feel really bad or think I'm nuts, maybe a combination. I think I am done and ready to move on. No alterier motives, we just can't comunicate in person...or on the phone and it is coming on a year that we seperated.
I don't think he ever felt my pain and he probably still won't but at least I put it out there.
thanks everyone ps
hope he doesn't show up on my doorstep

CAPTAINZING2000

Speaking for me anyway, I used to have guilt and remorse. I'd try and make up by sending flowers etc.

I gather by your post, you're moving forward in your life and the AH is staying the same. That's sad. You have to do what, you have to do.

Shame so many of us alcoholics have to put our families and friends into our sickness.

freeflower

Your right captainzing, he hasn't done a thing. I needed to start something, so a conversation could be had about our future. All my writings are so sad and harsh and true. I didn't want to risk leaving out anything in a face to face so I hope this will be the beginning of the end. I want him to live and be happy too...so this sucks!

brundle

My AH tells me he "loves" me so much. I think he really believes that. In fact yesterday he bought me a really thoughtful gift, something very unusual for him.

But the truth is that his "love" is sick. It comes with conditions, manipulations, betrayal, addiction, selfishness, ect... And yesterday I had to take a deep breath and remind myself who he is. I thanked him sincerely (it was something I really wanted) as long as I live here I know that if I buy into his reality of this fake love I just get sicker.

But if I just accept him where he is; it's harder for him to confuse and make me crazy. I think since I'm getting stronger in my recovery and am more detached it bothers him. So like your husband; they have to look for ways to reel us back in!

I think you really got HIM... you didn't fall back into his waiting arms...getting back into the pattern that you knew (that old comfortable wrong one)...Feelings are fickle things... You kept on your path...which had to be hard because it wasn't falling back into the same old habits! (that's still where he is!)

CAPTAINZING2000

Flowers are cheap.

A persons actions and words hold more weight.

Speaking as an alcoholic, I've learned to be honest. No more empty promises.


Sad as this sounds,
long as they're in their disease of alcoholism, you and your family, take second to the drinking.

LaTeeDa

Just so you know, you just gave him a huge pile of ammunition to use against you. He sounds very manipulative, and you just handed him the keys to manipulating you. Stay on your guard.

L

freeflower

Well if I did, I think I can handle it. I feel a little free'r purging that stuff. I guess what he does with it will give me some anwsers. He has never felt my pain or the kids pain. Now it's in black and white. I am expecting nothing...he is a slight coward and sick enough that he may not hardly be effected by any little thing I wrote. It never affected him in the past when i spoke these same thoughts. You may not understand but that was huge for me to move on. Him and I have always been big procrastiators and our communication has always been really really bad.
I feel kind of like I am defending a decision I made.....and I'm well past being manipulated...................la teeda, could you explain the huge pile of ammunition comment alittle more because that threw me into left field....No offence intended, just curious.

I just wanted him to HEAR me for one last time a symbolic gesture of letting go. I am done writing notes to myself in the middle of my night and at work. I may even be ready to take a break from sr too so I can get away from all this for a while, I feel I am ready for my next stage of life.

LaTeeDa

The more I told my ex about what I was feeling and what I wanted, the more information he had on exactly what buttons to push. He sent you flowers because he knew that would get a reaction from you. And it worked. You went over there to "straighten out a bill" and just happened to bring your journals, notes, etc. Now, if he bothers to read it, he has your wishes, dreams, hurts, disappointments, and pain at his fingertips. A complete list of what he can do to continue getting you to react.

I, too, went through a period where I wanted him to understand and admit all the pain I had gone through. He never did. It's my pain, and he will never understand it, any more than I will ever understand what it's like to be an alcoholic.

L

LaTeeDa

One more thought.

Perhaps your energy would be better spent in figuring out why his validation of your feelings is so important to you. When I started asking myself questions like that, my recovery grew in leaps and bounds.

L

MsPINKAcres

I like to use this to explain it - about the trying to get them to understand how I feel and see my perspective.

The Heart Surgeon vs the Heart Patient

I can read all the books in the world, attend seminars, watch videos about being a Heart Surgeon, but it doesn't make me qualified to be one. I can talk to and read lots of comments from people who have had a heart attack - that still does it help me to understand what it actually feels like to have a heart attack and to be a Heart Patient.

I would have to practice surgery to be a Heart Surgeon and I would have to have a heart attack to actually know what it feels like.

Unless I am an Alcoholic/addict i will never fully understand what they go thru and until they have loved an alcoholic/addict with all their heart and soul they will never understand what I feel.

The perspectives are totally different and probably will never be understood by the other unless each are fully devoted to a program of recovery. Even then the different sides may not be fully understand but can be accepted thru an open, recovery-minded heart.

Just my E, S, & H

Rita

freeflower

I can't do this anymore. Im going to go it alone but thanks to all of you. And good luck to all of you, I wish you well.
Brenda