JenT1968

our son is five.

AH and I are going to live separately, the children will live with me.

At present, AH has agreed that he will leave and has stated that he will give up drinking.

(note at present he has said he will do these things, he hasn't actually done any of them yet and I can't count on them happening).

I have said that we will be apart for a minimum of 6 months, and that the minimum requirement for us to then look at marriage guidance and working on our relationship and perhaps getting back together is that he has some serious sober-time and is demonstrating different behaviour. But that I'm not promising anything, I hope he gets well, for him and his children, but right now I can't even promise to work on our marriage in the future because I don't know how I'll feel (and neither does he really, he might not like me when he's sober, we've never tried).

I'm not feeling particularly hopeful for any future for us together, but I guess its a possibility. I am however, really happy, that I won't be living with him and this addiction any more (and I won't because I'm going to arrange to look at some places to rent in case he decides not to leave and am just firming my deadline in my head now).

So: that's a messy thing to explain to a 5 year old!!

a clean break would be easier to explain to him.

I'm going to leave any explaining until I know better whether it will be H or us leaving and when.

I don't want to couch the whole thing in terms of "illness" because I don't want him to think we cast out sick people, I also don't want to raise his hopes that we will be getting back together. but I don't want to lie, I want to be able to give him space to be angry about all of this, and sad, and everything else. He loves his dad, he's going to miss him alot.

I know I need to emphasise that its not his fault and that we both will always love him.

any thoughts?

laurie6781

At 5 years old, children understand more than we think they do.

A simple "Daddy has some problems and needs to be away from us for a while to fix them will probably suffice." The child already senses something is wrong.

Later, as time goes on, and your son doesn't see him as often, it will be easy to expand on the above, when your son asks.

I think you are correct not to bring it up yet, until you know if he is leaving or you and the children are moving.

Simple and honest seems to work best with the children.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Barbara52

I wouldn't say antyhing at the moment, not until who is moving where is settled. When you do talk to the kids, keep it age appropriate. It's ok to tell young children that something is an adult problem and not be real specific. Children generally adapt pretty well to new living arrangements.