dothi

I don't know how to tell my mother that I'm still angry with her.

Backstory: My AF married my mother young and left her at home to raise his kids. He would drink after work, and sometimes wouldn't come home all weekend without a phone call that he was okay. My mom didn't know anyone and english was her second language - so she was especially isolated. I'm sure there were many fights with AF before he decided to drink away from home as much as possible. My mom was tired of cleaning up his friends' messes when they came over to party. She hated alcohol for a long time.

And she used to take it out on me and my sister. We had to be quiet all the time because anything could set off her explosive temper. Now I'm starting to see how her rage at my dad really shaped the family. I "controlled" or limited her rage by becoming extremely well behaved. By constantly being obediant, I minimized my chances of being struck at. My sister coped by becoming the lost child. Early on she stopped having needs and disappeared into the background, avoiding being noticed. My brother, the youngest, became the family clown. He coped with the anger by cracking jokes. Things got better after my brother came along.

But things took a turn for the worse when one of my dad's XA-relatives came to live with us - a previously convicted pedophile (whole family was in denial that he was capable of it). He antagonized my mom, and provided a safe place where my sister and I could play without fear of our mom's temper. It all came crashing out in the worst ways when it was revealed that this relative had been molesting me, my sister, and two girls who used to come over and play with us. When you look back, all the signs were so visibly there. A rumour had gotten loose before, but led nowhere because we were too afraid to speak up. Once it was public truth my dad disappeared into the bars for weeks. He did come home to kick this person off the property. But otherwise we didn't see him much. My mom had to take care of everything during the court trials. Each child abuse charge was worth 8 months jail time plus 4 months probation. The court took pity on him because he was an old man.

Around 16 I fought to see a counsellor in order to come to terms with the sexual abuse. My mom was invited by the counsellor to sit in on one session. My mom ended up talking about what happened, crying, and admitting she was afraid that my sister and I blamed her for what happened. I automatically told her that it was not her fault. Secretly I thought dad was to blame, for his drunken absenses and failure to draw the line at exposing his children to convicted pedophiles (my mom never wanted this man to live with us, but my dad dismissed her opinion).

It is now several years later. I've moved a great distance from my parents. There is so much dysfunction in their relationships that it makes me physically ill to be with them for a long time. I'm finding myself increasingly disturbed and angry by my memories of my childhood. I'm afraid to try new things because if I do them wrong, I would have been slapped as a child. I don't know how to enjoy myself because in my mom's house, playful ignorance could mean a good beating. I didn't start thinking about it until I was at work, dropped something, and when an older female coworker turned to see what happened, I literally jumped because I thought she was going to hit me. It was awkward. I'm a grown woman working in a professional environment, and I couldn't explain where that reaction had come from. It's been niggling in my mind for months because I don't want it to happen again (might as well start wearing a big sign on my forehead, lol).

Now I understand why my mom felt guilty. I think she knows she drove us away, and well into the reach of a pedophile. But I feel like I need to talk to her about it, so I can know for certain. Even if we had this conversation, I don't even know if I can forgive her right now. I know I should give it some time, but for now it's a restless memory. I have made an appointment by phone with the counsellor I was seeing before I moved, but she's not available for another week. I'm hoping that journalling this online will help satisfy that need for closure. Thanks for taking the time to read.

dothi

Other stories welcome, btw. I think I'm looking to not feel so alone in having memories like these. My partner had a pretty normal childhood, so it's hard for him to understand how these things could "just happen" in the first place.

GiveLove

Hi dothi, usually I see you over on ACoA, sharing your wise thoughts with folks. Good to see you over here too

I do indeed have stories of my own (including the partner who doesn't 'get it' because he never had to suffer through the mess I did) but no time to share them right now. I will plant that seed in my head and be back soon to share. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone :ghug

JenT1968

Hi there,
I don't have experiences to share with you that are anywhere near your experience (I had a dysfunctional family of origin that fulfils all of the criteria for growing up in an alcoholic family, but I'm not sure we had an alcoholic )

But I wanted to thank you for your post, I very VERY much hope that I never put my children in such a dangerous place as you were left. Your post, however, is a very much needed reminder of how my own behaviour in this family can have far reaching effects and how important it is to focus on that and make every effort I can to be the BEST parent possible, and keep my lovely children as safe as possible.

DesertEyes

Hi there dothi

Forgiveness is very much a part of recovery, whether as an ACOA or Al-anon or whichever fellowship meets our needs. Here's a bit of my story.

I was raised by violent alcoholics, with a few pedophiles thrown in for good measure. My father wasn't around much, and when he was it was bad for everybody. My mother stayed home, but it would have been better if she'd not. None of the adults did _anything_ to protect us kids, they were off in their own world.

I ran away from home when I was 12, and managed ok for a few days. When I was forced home out of hunger I had my first experience of hope. _Nobody_ had even noticed I was gone. That started a long series of running aways and living off the streets until I was finally able to _stay_ away at age 17. With a long history as a child sexual victim I don't need to tell you what I did to survive on the streets.

I did. I told my mother, my father, my aunts and uncles. In many ways. Got me _nowhere_. They did not give me the validation I was seeking from them. If they had been at a place in their lives where they _could_ give me that validation, they would have made ammends on their own, without _me_ having to start the process. My biological family was not _able_ to raise children, they never were, and me having little talks with them was not going to magically change them into some kind of normal person.

Yeah, I wanted to know for certain too. How could they _not_ have known that all the children were being raped from the day they were born? Were all the adults also victims of childhod rape? Is that why they didn't protect us?

In the end, it doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is how _I_ protect myself and my kids _today_. My trying to get answers and validation from my parents was just an excuse to avoid working on _me_ and improving myself.

That's called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". All us kids of abuse have it in one form or another. I had it really bad. With me it was just that even as an adult I had not learned how to protect myself from other adults who were disrespectful or insulting. As therapy and 12 step work made me self confident and assertive I lost those old fears, and the PTSD just evaporated.

Perhaps you should trust your own feelings and give it that time. You already have an appointment with a counselor, why don't you give yourself a little time and space to heal. Time, space and respect you never received as a child. When I started giving _me_ the treatment I never got as a child, and stopped treating myself the way my parents treated me, that is when I started to heal.

Mike ((((( hugs ))))

dothi

Thank you GiveLove, Ceridwen, and DesertEyes for taking the time to read.

This is very true. I've already played this game and didn't like it.

I thought I'd make the switch over here because there is one message strong in this forum that I didn't pick up in the ACoA forum: even when the alcohol is gone, the behavior is STILL there. Because of my AF's declining health, he isn't drinking *as much* as he used to. IMO he saves up his strength for a good bender about once a month. But because he's sick and weak, he's at home a lot where he's so bored that he's doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, etc. My codie mom is loving it and constantly exemplifying his wonderful behavior to me over the phone. I can't trust her anymore to be honest with me (especially about his drinking). They both want me to move back home. This has not changed since I first moved out of their house almost ten years ago.

Between him and her, I can tell the behavior is still there. And it's very important to them to project this "perfect family" they've raised. Especially my AF. I guess that's why I "should" come home, so we can all sit around playing perfect family (with the past perfectly left in the past, of course).

We tried a video call the other day. It was like dealing with two kids fighting for your attention. They were teeming with questions, interrupting each other, answering for each other, etc. Guilt trip right off the bat: "we were worried about you... haven't heard from you since xmas." It made my stomach sick. I got in one of my "moods" (their term for it; the problem is with me because obviously they never do anything wrong). And all they wanted to know was when I was coming home. That's all it's ever about. When I am coming home. Is it not enough that they wasted years of my life ignoring me when I WAS home? Do they need to suck the energy out of my burgeoning adult years too?

I guess the take-home message is that it will never be enough. I'll never earn living my own life. You're right, DesertEyes, about taking care of yourself. I know this. It just sucks. The disappointment really sucks. I was always regarded my mom as another victim. But lately, with some time and space to breathe/think, I see now that my mom is also responsible for her choices and behaviors. I think this has been something I've been in denial about for a long time. I don't want to be angry at her. I just wanted to luck out with one good parent in my life. And maybe I will yet, but I know for myself forgiveness will be a long time in coming.

There should be an emoticon for ignoring a ringing phone.

DesertEyes

Yup, that is true for many. It goes by different names: "dry drunk", "un-drunk", etc.

My biological family was that way too. The shrinks call it "reaction formation". The more toxic the family, the more intense the need for "perfection".

Me thinks that is a good sign. For many years I was unaware of the subtle manipulations. I knew I was getting _healthy_ when their behavior made me feel sick.

In my biological family every single adult pretended to be perfect, and the victim of somebody else's ill will. As a child I lacked the ability to discern this, but once I saw it for what it was I realized _none_ of them were victims. Every last one was a volunteer.

You don't have to be if you don't want to. That's one of the things we learn in recovery, how to adjust our expectations to the reality of life instead of trying to force reality to fit our expectations.

What for? What is it that you need one good _biological_ parent for that you can't do with a "parent of choice". I've adopted a 95yr old lady as my "Mom of choice", and I've got a couple in their 70's that are my "Aunt and Uncle" of choice. They love me far more than my biological parents ever did, and I love them.

No need to rush. It's all over the recovery literature that we each heal at our own pace. I didn't forgive my biological parents until years after they were dead and that worked out just fine for everybody.

Mike

guiab

Thank you, Dothi, for this post.
I had been thinking about my dad lately and what it would have been like to hear an honest conversation about his drinking.
Yeahhhhhhh - it wouldn't have happened. He hated to talk about 'water over the dam' stuff and was in denial to the day he died.

As for my mother, she was so very martyr-like in her enabling that she would have confessed to causing earthquakes and plague. Her ability to take the blame for everything, fueled by her own alcoholism, was her only sense of power. Everyone - friends, her mother, her sisters, her children, priests - talked to her at one point or another - to no avail.

Intellectually I know that I, nor anyone, could change my parents' behavior. We all accept that our relatives, sober or not, may not ever admit to the mistakes they made or continue to make. Somewhere in recovery the heart also accepts this situation after some (or a lot of) resistance. As much as we hold hands and pray together, recovery is a path we blaze alone.

There is this line from a shakespeare play that keeps coming back to me. (not trying to be snobbish - I really only remember this one line):
"Every man's duty is the King's, but every man's soul is his own".
King = oneself, God, truth?

TakingCharge999

dothi

i believe in you.

thanks a lot for sharing your story with us. i believe forgiveness is the Ultimate Gift you can give to yourself. so i am very glad you have started working towards that goal, sharing and going to therapy.

a friend just told me "feel your emotions, express them, they are not good or bad" so i try to be less in denial about my own reality... i feel angry and sad and jealous and lost and confused and hopeful at the same time !!

so do not deny that anger. use it as a way to move forward. i now believe anger helps me protect myself from now on, from people that do not value me.

of course its all easier said than done but we are with you in the same path. we will make it together, you'll see. hugs!!