Seren

How awful when people bully their family members....just makes me steam. I'm glad that your aunt has your support and hope that she WILL get a restraining order. It would go a long way to keeping her safe because she will have actually followed through on a consequence.

Sad how the active addict bullies will go after who they consider to be the weakest link and so unfair. I think that's why my BFs addict son is so much worse with his sister than anyone else in the family.....

Hugs to you and your family! HG

OnePointyCactus

I was with my aunt for support when she told him that he cannot move in with her. He was then somehow able to get an inexpensive single bed apartment in the complex that he is currently in. It is available in 3 weeks and his roomate agreed to let him stay until it is ready. He said that the reality that he would have been in a homeless shelter for the interim made him really think about how his life is turning out. He called me on Friday and has supposedly been on the wagon since last Sunday, but I have heard this before and it was always BS. He also claims that he is looking into taking a sabbatical from work to enter a 28 day rehab hospital. He said he received a large package of info from his employer and was going through it. The employer supposedly has agreed and valuses him as an employee. Still, he told me that if he had any cash (my cousin who has been riving around will now handle his money), he would be walking to the liquor store as we spoke to get a bottle of the hard stuff. I enouraged him to get into rehab asap. Deep down I am happy that he is not homeless, but I also feel that the eventual outcome is just being prolonged. Thanks for all of your help!

drained22

the best thing you can do is not enable him.

why are you so involved with his recovery when he is not? they are very manipulative and will tell you what you want to hear.

OnePointyCactus

I guess I am inolved due to being his only sibling, older brother and trying to look after him just a bit since both of our parents are deceased. Also to keep him away from my elderly aunt and her home. Although I agree with you 100%. So now he asks if he can call me to chat when he feels like having a drink in, say, the middle of the night. I didn't really reply - I'm not a phone person at all - but the more I think about it, I'm not his shrink. And I certainly will not have him disrupt my or wifes sleep/life/work anymore than it already has over this past week. This out of control drama stuff has been going on for almost two decades now, at couple of times per-year, for crying out loud.

I guess to really answer your question: It is difficult to 'divorce' a relative when they live in your town and you are their only surviving immediate family member.

Bernadette

Hi Cactus---
Glad you're here.
I have 3 alcoholic bros. in varying stages of the disease. I love them all but their disease, regardless of what they believe it is doing to them, was KILLING me!! AlAnon helped me enormously -- you seem to have found some relief from posting here and reading all the great feedback - you might find AlAnon equally eye-opening and healing.

If my brother asked if he could call me in the middle of the night I would say-- "I cannot help you in that way. I love you, and whether you are aware of it or not your drinking has caused me a lot of fear, suffering, and heartache for twenty years now. My "help" has never worked in the past and it will not work now. But there are people who have walked in your shoes who tried to white-knuckle it through the night and needed to talk to someone, and they CAN help you, if you ask for and accept their help. Many people, JUST LIKE YOU, have found a way to get out of the nightmare of alcoholism." Then I would hand him the number to his local AA and tell him to call when he's ready and say he needs a "12th Step call."

My Dad held onto that AA number for the last seven years of his drinking career. He finally called and a 12th Stepper his age came and took him out for a coffee and a chat and thus began real sobriety and recovery for my father through AA.

Detaching from my bros. has helped me maintain some warmth and love for them and be grateful for all the dear memories I have of us as kids, when their brains were clean, clear and rational. It took me a long time to accept that I couldn't help them!!! I just am not that powerful.

But I am powerful enough to help myself not get sucked into that painful insanity you're describing. AlAnon was a lifesaver.

And I hold in my heart the knowledge that they are powerful enough to choose recovery - but it is their choice, their destiny. I just need to stay out of their way.

peace-
b.

OnePointyCactus

Well, I just got back from the funeral home to make the final arrangements. He never ended up moving out of his apartment and I feel that he was at least trying to stop drinking before he killed himself. No drugs found in his system, but he was legally drunk. I wish I had been a better brother. My aunt is a wreck since she feels that she could have prevented it if he had been living with her. I guess I kind of feel that way too, but know deep down that we were all just trying to do the right thing and help him with tough love. It hurts pretty bad right now though. I plan on getting some help for my aunt, wife and myself and got the name of a good counselor. I also have an old, close friend who is very active in AA who told me that we did the right thing by trying to stop the enabling. But ouch. Thanks for trying to help me/him.

Barbara52

I am very sorry for your loss. {hugs}

jaguarpcb

****************{OPC}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry for your loss.

Freedom1990

I just noticed this thread was back at the top, and I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother.

Both of my parents lost siblings to the disease.

I'm glad you have a close friend in AA who is there for you. I'll be keeping all of your family in my prayers. :praying

Bernadette

Cactus---
(((((((hugs)))))))
my heart goes out to you.....
I have known for a long time that the dance of addiction my brothers have been engaged in could end in their early death...
What a horrible end when that becomes a reality.
I am so very sorry.
peace,
b

Jomey

((((Cactus)))) So sorry for your loss. Please don't think you could have been a "better" brother....you did the best you could. I am glad you have support and counselling to help you through this terrible time. God Bless, Jomey

bookwyrm

(((()))) So sorry for your loss.

FormerDoormat

I'm sorry for your loss Cactus. Please don't beat yourself up. You and your family did what you thought was best for your brother. You did all you could do to help him over the years, but it wasn't enough. It took me a long time to realize that I truly was powerless over my late boyfriend's drinking. Despite all my efforts, he chose drinking over life about 1.5 years ago.

I know the pain you're feeling and all the "what if's" that are going through your mind right now. But believe me, you could have done nothing to stop him from doing what he chose to do and you could have done nothing to save him from himself.

Addiction is a terrible thing and he was suffering greatly. He's at peace now. I pray that you and your family find the peace you deserve, too.

TakingCharge999

OnePointyCactus
I am sorry to hear about your loss.

You and everyone here has done their best to help their loved ones. Please be gentle with yourself. I am glad you are looking for a counselor. Remember that he has not disappeared, he is watching over your shoulder, loving you and waiting for you someday far away when your time comes....

We are here if you need to talk. Thank you for sharing.... in sharing you have helped me a great deal. I send you a virtual hug and I will be thinking about you.