dazednconfuzed

I have, without question, become completely codependent and I finally understand the true meaning. I lost myself when I fully embraced codependence and all it had to 'offer'. Although they are hardly perks, it has become to feel that way. I put up with the A when he's drunk, and when he's sober, he'll make up for it. He's done a lot of nice things for me, but what I had to pay for them with were my health, both mental and physical, my joy of life, etc.

I denied that the price was too high to pay. I mean - he could do some pretty special things for me. He wasn't afraid of hard work and did a lot for me, so it was sometimes hard to see what I was giving in return (although I HAD to listen - over and over, about how much he'd done). Of course I know now. My eyes are open, and I know what 'healthy' is.

But now that I'm taking a stand, he IS going for medical treatment, rehab, and whatever is necessary (his appointment is coming up soon and I will attend). This is my last chance to either get him help OR get out while the going is still there ...

I KNOW I will have to expect things to be different. I know that when (if) he gets better, I will have to as well. I've changed so much now that I'm not sure how to be healthy anymore, and I'm afraid of letting go of the codependence. I have glimpses of freedom from this 'prison in my mind' and they're beautiful, but then scary. It must be sort of like a prisoner - getting out of jail - who is free, but not sure how to reintegrate into society again ...

Does anyone relate to this feeling?

Chrysalis123

Yes, I relate to the feelings you describe. Until I started to work at my own recovery it never dawned on me that by choosing to go along with the chaos I was also choosing consequences for myself. I used to think it was all his problem, his fault, his consequences and I thought of myself as an innocent by-stander. I don't think that way anymore and have slowly taken responsibility for my part in this. I'm trying to throw my old victim mentality away!

Someone here said recovery is like peeling an onion. There are a lot of layers to go through. That's what I'm experiencing as I work through all my issues.

Barbara52

For me, the glimpses I get into my troubled past that led (in part) to my unhelathy behaviors and thought patterns were indeed scary. Who wants to look into one's inner being and confront to monsters in there? It's so much easier to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. BUT taking those steps to look at the monsters is worth the fear and pain involved. It can lead to a healthier life and healthier behaviors and thought patterns. I can say that everytime I have faced my fears and worked through the issues, it has been well worth it.

GiveLove

dazed,

It was really helpful to me to do a lot of self-help work - figuring out what kind of person I really wanted to be, as opposed to the monster I'd turned into.

Personal counseling helped me a ton, as did reading & WORKING books like Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet", Barbara Winter's "Wishcraft," and others that help you rebuild your dreams from the ground up.

But until I figured out - and put down on paper - a description of what I wanted HEALTHY to look like, it was like trying to drive somewhere without a map. (There's a thread in the stickies about "Changing Our Normal", i.e. what healthy looks like to various people....that might be helpful to you too at this point. it's at the bottom of Classic reading)

The healthy person you want to become again won't be like the one you were before your codependent nosedive....she'll be something different and better and so it's new territory.

And it's beautiful work. Get some help on the journey if you can. It's the best thing I ever did.

embraced2000

yes, i relate completely. how could i become healthy when i didn't know what it was anymore?

al-anon helped me tremendously, altho at first, i just didn't get it. i thought they were all screwy and had no idea of the blonde headed mad gorilla i had in my living room at home. they were all so happy, happy, happy. i wouldn't have been surprised at all if they broke out in humming the little "smurf" song.....remember the smurfs cartoons?

it takes motivation, work, and the true desire to get healthy. tiny little baby steps. if you break it down into little pieces, it's much easier to grasp.

many hugs to you

Still Waters

I need a really big flashlight

JustMeInWI

Why is this your "last chance" to stay or go?

In my experience, no matter what HE is doing, what do YOU need RIGHT NOW? Keep in mind, what you need right now is not necessarily the same as what you'll need tomorrow, next week, next year... If you need to "get out" now, that doesn't mean you'll have to "stay out".

I remember feeling like if I left, it would have to be for good, like I had to make one final GREAT decision right then and there or else... But my AH and I have had a couple separations now, each one longer (and more solid) than the last. First he moved out for 4 weeks and we'd date eachother on the weekends. Then he moved home and it was clear things weren't improving (or really changing at all), so I moved out and we had very little contact. This was harder, but helped clear my head a lot better. We then spent a "trial week" together, and we picked up right were we left off - it was awful! So now we are on an extended, ZERO communication separation. We've marked a "touch base point" 2 months out, and we'll go from there.

If you read back in my previous posts, you'll see I didn't receive a lot of encouragement or appreciation from him about my putting space between us. But it has been SOOOO enlightening for me. I strongly encourage you to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft as well. This book opened my eyes SO much. You see, my husband went to AA and stopped drinking, but things got worse and worse at home despite his "changes".

(((dazednconfuzed)))

Get healthy for yourself, whether or not he does!

dazednconfuzed

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to help me with my direction. I will do more reading. The fact that he's going for help is HUGE. I don't feel that we will be able to stay together through that. I honestly don't believe he can really do it, and I don't know who he is sober. I do NOT plan to be watching him like a hawk. I couldn't go through that falling off the wagon thing. I know it sounds black and white, but I've moved him out on 3 occasions, and he's never let me go. If we had no financial connections (owning a house, etc.), I may have been able to cut the ties, but I needed to stay on a good page with him. And to him that meant that I would enable everything he was doing, while we hadn't really even SPLIT! It's all been too painful. I've just had enough.

Tally

Completely!! When my RABF first stopped drinking and I saw he was serious I was completely petrified, I panicked and at some points actually wished he hadn't stopped because I was so scared of change and of having to change myself. Even though I hate being co-dependant and I hated him drinking it was comfortable, I knew how things where (everything was his fault cos he drank, right?), and I grew to know what to expect.
Change terrified me. I didn't have a clue how I was meant to behave or what was natural or normal...I'm not sure I do even now after he's sober nearly a year.

All I can say is that it takes time. I'm working on myself and even though he's sober 11 months I still practise detachment. I don't think I'm healthy yet, I'm not sure I'll ever be as "innocent" as I once was but living with him sober, although not always as perfect as I thought it would be, is definately a million times better than living with him drunk.

I don't watch him like a hawk...I had a few moments the first few weeks that were slightly "crazy making" but carrying on with detachment really does help. I too WILL NOT live through a relapse, which I have told him. After having him sober for this long there is no way on God's earth I am or could go back to living with a drunk...He has no intentions of drinking again but is fully aware that if he does he will not be doing it in my home.

cinderellawkids

there is a part of me that everytime my husband changes something, whether it be pronouncing hes not going to drink anymore, or a new job a part of me begins to worry. After a little time, sometimes fleeting thoughts sometimes a few days I think, what if he doesnt like me anymore.
(My husbands not in recovery so anytime hes not drinking he doesnt really like me-jk)
Even though Ive been working on my recovery 4 years now, when he was hurt a few months ago and told he could never do construction again, for a split second I felt a codependant ahhh he needs me feeling.
Fast forward to now, when he first announced he was going to work in a spa as a nail technichian my thoughts were NO, not around all those women. I had to catch myself and remind me that itll be ok, no matter what itll be ok.
Many things could happen in the scenario but Im here for me