Reddmax

For those you following my saga, this past weekend was rough. The reason it was rough because after almost 3 years of torture, I had finally had enough.

After driving across the state (and back) in a raging snow storm (9 hours), I came home to the same old same old.

I plain lost it..... Now... the question I have is how do I forgive my own behavior and actions. I know I was wrong. I should have dealt with things in a calm and decisive way, but I got mad. I said and did things that were very hateful to both the AW and SD. Has this happened to you? How did you deal with your own anger and grief?

Any good advice would be good.

Redd

P.S. At least it got the AW to quit drinking for 30 hours so far...

LaTeeDa

One of the things that finally got me to take action on my own behalf was realizing that I did not like the person I had become. It no longer mattered what the alcoholic was doing or not doing, it became all about me and what I wanted my own life to look like. Maybe you have reached that point?

L

GiveLove

Well, so far, when AW drinks until she's blotto, you

--will not set boundaries to leave the situation if she does not stop drinking
--will not set boundaries to force HER to leave the situation if she does not stop drinking,
--will not force her to enter any kind of recovery program in order to remain married, and now
--are not even allowing yourself to be ANGRY about it all.

I don't have any good advice that you're likely to listen to, Redd. You're driving yourself to increasing episodes of verbal violence, a bleeding ulcer, cancer, or worse, and if it weren't for a zillion hours of practice with detachment, it would break my heart to read your posts.....I am wishing with all my heart for happiness for you some time in the future, when you are tired of this endless rollercoaster. You're a really nice and smart man and you deserve better.

miss communicat

do you really think that anything you said or did got her to quit drinking? if so, I am concerned that the illusion of control is going to become the pattern of your life.

Mr B

Reddmax, the best advice I can give you is to sit down with a pad of paper and a pencil, and write down everything that's happened in your relationship with your AW, on both sides. Then look at that list and see it as it truly is, a repeating and worsening cycle, rather than as a random series of incidents.

Then write down what (note, not whom) you really want from life. How you want your life to look, how you want to feel about yourself, and what you want to do to fill your days.
and write down what you really want from life. Then consider if your AW is going to be able to help you reach those goals, or to hinder them.

This is your life, Reddmax. It's the only one you've got. Use it wisely.

Mr B.

Jazzman

I was getting very short with everyone in my life. When my own kids started telling me I was stressing out, I had to act.

kakell

I don't think a "calm and decisive way" would have worked in this situation because it keeps repeating itself. I can relate to how you feel because I saw my Mom go through the same thing(s) with my Dad. Unfortunately, she died of cancer and my Dad is still alive and well, drinking himself into oblivion daily.. You must remove yourself from this situation. The stress and anxiety this is causing you is not good. Best wishes to you.

robzbuzz

"--are not even allowing yourself to be ANGRY about it all."

It took me along time to realize myself that aside from dealing with an alcoholic friend, its OK to get angry, even in day to day life, but what sets you apart from the alcoholic is that one is allowed to be angry sometimes and choose our battles, but the alcoholic is angry ALL the time!

Lilyflower

Redd, my relationship with my ex became increasingly aggressive and violent. I turned from a peaceful, passive almost, to a rageful unpredictable aggressor. That had NOTHING to do with him that was ME. He continued to do what he had ALWAYS done - get drunk and not consider anyone but himself.

The reason I became so out of control was because I so desperately wanted to CONTROL.

You attribute her abstinance from drinking to your aggressive outburst? Do you still, after all this time, all you have learnt here, and her stopping and starting over and over, think you are THAT powerful and influential?? Will you use this volatile approach again in the future because you believe it gets the result YOU want?? Is that the person YOU want to be??

It was not who I wanted to be, and I can assure you, the chest pains, anxiety, stress etc etc would have sent me to an early grave if I hadn't learnt to LET GO, and do the BEST FOR ME and MY DAUGHTER.

This cycle and rollercoater can end as soon as you want it to, if you want it to.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerDoormat

I experienced chest pains, anxiety, and stress, too. I also put up with an intolerable home life for years. Eventually those chest pains, anxiety, and stress took a toll on my health. Today I have chronic, irreversible atrial fibrillation and last week my cardiologist told me my condition has taken a turn for the worse and I'm now in full blown congestive heart failure.

The effects of someone else's drinking on my emotional, financial, and physical well being were real. The effects of my lengthy inability to detach and make healthier choices for me were real, too. You have a chance to change your life for the better with your health still intact. The ability to make a life-changing decision in spite of fear is THAT important.

My heart is failing and I'm only 48 years old. I'll let these facts speak for themself.

Lilyflower

(((((FD))))) I am so saddened to hear this! My love and thoughts for the best are with you hunny!

Lots of hugs and love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Freedom1990

You don't want advice, Redd.

That's just my unsolicited opinion.

Pajarito

I got the H out. And my life has opened up. It's more peaceful, more joyous and better than I ever thought it would be. It didn't happen overnight. It's been a process of self-discovery that I am still on and will be on every single day for the rest of my life.

And I say this with a divorce in process, a house to sell- and one to buy, not a lot of money to work with, and still having to interact with STBXAH who is as angry and delusional as ever. . . I, however, am not.

Life is good.

suzieq1972

FD, I am so sorry to hear what is happening. You are in my prayers.

Redd, why do you continue to subject yourself to this? Every post is about how angry you are with your AW for doing what she does best...drinking. Are you going to spend the rest of your life living like this? She may never stop drinking and you will become angrier and angrier. Your health will go downhill and so will hers. Are you willing to go down with her? What about your step-daughter? The stress will affect her health too. She will also have a warped sense of what a true, loving relationship is supposed to be like. She may possibly end up in the same kind of relationship because it's all she knows. Do you want that for her?

Your AW is an adult. You are an adult. Your stepdaughter is only a CHILD. Please think about her health and well being. You and your AW may want to go to an early grave. Is that what you want for your step-daughter?

Please seriously think about what is going on here. For your sake and that of your step-daughter.






Sue

felicidade

I am still horrified by the aggressive, and increasingly even violent, behavior I directed at my STBRAH. It did contribute to our respective diseases. I am responsible for that.

I agree with others that the rage and anger only escalate to the "out of control" in the sick effort to control.

He eventually left me. And while it broke me, it may have saved me. Who knows?

For about 1 1/2 years, I would cry, rage, despair to my friends and family. "why won't he change?" "why doesn't he want me?" "He destroyed me and my dreams but I love him".

They listened patiently, at first. But, I didn't change. I didn't focus on recovering me. Then, they became impatient, silently disgusted perhaps. Then, they began to point out how ill I had become, how emotionally stunted. When I still didn't recognize that I needed to change, they stopped listening or offering advice.

That really hurt. But it sent a strong message. Actually, my father said, "I am sick of this and sick of you. I can't keep listening to you and watch you torture yourself. It's making me sick, because there is nothing I can do or say to make it feel better."

This is what I should have said and done to STXRAH. Instead, I went nuts for years with the SAME outcome.

I am getting better every day. I smile. My house is awesome. My kids are great. And I don't cry in pain anymore.

Redd, how do I forgive myself? By realizing that to forgive myself, I had to let go.

prodigal

I don't know, Redd. I don't see you asking for advice. You keep asking us how we dealt with our own personal situations. Each individual is unique. Yes, our situations may be similar, but we deal with them based on our own inner compass.

It's almost as if you keep coming here to validate how you react to your AW. How you do that is your own business. How I react to the A in my life is my business. I can share what I've done, but advising someone else? Well, people will do what they choose to do, regardless of my advice.

Yes, this HAS happened to me. I got angry; I stuffed it down; I ended up with a lot of physical issues to deal with.

Ultimately, I can only control myself. But nobody can make the bottom-line decisions as to how I choose to lead my life. I think I'm at a loss as to what to say to anybody who chooses to remain stuck in a situation in which they don't have to stay.

As Freedom stated so well, you don't want advice; you're taking a straw poll to verify if your own reactions are okay to have. And I think that is very sad.