in the crossroads
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 14
in the crossroads
Hi everybody. I've been reading these forums for a long time but never posted before. Always thought I could handle it myself, but don't think so anymore. So here's my story.
I've been married to my alcoholic husband for almost 3 years now and we have a 16 month old daughter. Lately I've been asking myself why did I marry him in the first place, he was already drinking then. The truth is that I have never known any alcoholics in my whole life and I had no idea what it really was. Addition to drinking he also smokes pot on everyday basis. he goes to work every day though, if there is any work of course, because lately it's been really slow and he actually is very good in what he does. I'm at home with the baby, this was our agreement from the beginning, so there is no income from my side.
Lately we have been arguing a lot about his drinking. I blame the drinking for his anger and mood swings and I don't want any of that near the baby. I don't think he would ever hit me, but his anger and yelling and cussing is bad enough. Sometimes is comes with slamming the doors and punching the holes in the walls. He says that his life is so stressful that drinking is the only thing that helps. Oh, he drinks 6-12pack every night, leaving one for the morning, sometimes 18pack on his day off. When it gets real bad, he yells me to go back home (I'm from Europe and my whole family is there too), blames me for marrying him for the green card, ruining his life (the next big thing in his life to look for is death) and tricking him into having a baby. Believe me, I would have never had the child intentionally with somebody drinking and acting like this. Besides, on the day I found out I was pregnant he got high on coke and announced the happy thing to everybody including his parents, not that I had made the different decision but I really didn't have any choice at that point then. And a few hours after the fight he acts like nothing ever happened. Sometimes he yells at the baby too, which makes me very sad and angry. I just have no strength to fight any more, I need to be there and happy for my daughter. Needless to say he has never helped me with the baby, never fed her, changed the diaper, bathed her, put her to bed. It has been all me and sometimes it gets very exhausting. I just can't take this anger any more and I don't want to bring up my child with the drunk father.
My sister begs me to go back home, my parents don't know anything about this, I don't want to worry them, because there is nothing they can do anyway. My husbands biggest fear is that I tell his parents. He comes from the very good family, his parents are very well off money wise and the nicest people you can imagine. They know that he drinks but they have no idea how much and how bad it really is. They have also helped us out several times with money, when it has been really slow at his work and we haven't had money for rent (but there's always money for beer, cigarettes ant pot). I have a support of our friends, who are all worried about him. So do you think that having some intervention kind of talk with all of us in the same room will help him somehow to realize that he is in the very verge of losing his family? Should I talk to his parents? I don't really want to talk to his parents about it unless I really really have to. Actually everybody says that it's time for that talk now, but I still would wait for little bit more, probably because this talk would be really difficult for me.
So my dilemma really is right now, as I am going to visit my family anyway this coming summer, should I make it one way or round trip ticket. before that decision I'm gonna have to talk to his parents, decide if I'm gonna apply for my green card extension in February (and February is already next month). Not even talking about how difficult would it be to move back to Europe, since all my life is here now, including a dog and a cat. Last time I visited home I gave away everything I owned and had packed away in the boxes. But despite of everything I'm sure I can do it once I decide that it's the right thing to do. So I'm just hoping to get some advice here, since a lot of people here have much more experience with addictions and abusive behaviors. I realize that I'm the only one that can make that decision in my life, but little bit of advice and support would be nice.
I've been married to my alcoholic husband for almost 3 years now and we have a 16 month old daughter. Lately I've been asking myself why did I marry him in the first place, he was already drinking then. The truth is that I have never known any alcoholics in my whole life and I had no idea what it really was. Addition to drinking he also smokes pot on everyday basis. he goes to work every day though, if there is any work of course, because lately it's been really slow and he actually is very good in what he does. I'm at home with the baby, this was our agreement from the beginning, so there is no income from my side.
Lately we have been arguing a lot about his drinking. I blame the drinking for his anger and mood swings and I don't want any of that near the baby. I don't think he would ever hit me, but his anger and yelling and cussing is bad enough. Sometimes is comes with slamming the doors and punching the holes in the walls. He says that his life is so stressful that drinking is the only thing that helps. Oh, he drinks 6-12pack every night, leaving one for the morning, sometimes 18pack on his day off. When it gets real bad, he yells me to go back home (I'm from Europe and my whole family is there too), blames me for marrying him for the green card, ruining his life (the next big thing in his life to look for is death) and tricking him into having a baby. Believe me, I would have never had the child intentionally with somebody drinking and acting like this. Besides, on the day I found out I was pregnant he got high on coke and announced the happy thing to everybody including his parents, not that I had made the different decision but I really didn't have any choice at that point then. And a few hours after the fight he acts like nothing ever happened. Sometimes he yells at the baby too, which makes me very sad and angry. I just have no strength to fight any more, I need to be there and happy for my daughter. Needless to say he has never helped me with the baby, never fed her, changed the diaper, bathed her, put her to bed. It has been all me and sometimes it gets very exhausting. I just can't take this anger any more and I don't want to bring up my child with the drunk father.
My sister begs me to go back home, my parents don't know anything about this, I don't want to worry them, because there is nothing they can do anyway. My husbands biggest fear is that I tell his parents. He comes from the very good family, his parents are very well off money wise and the nicest people you can imagine. They know that he drinks but they have no idea how much and how bad it really is. They have also helped us out several times with money, when it has been really slow at his work and we haven't had money for rent (but there's always money for beer, cigarettes ant pot). I have a support of our friends, who are all worried about him. So do you think that having some intervention kind of talk with all of us in the same room will help him somehow to realize that he is in the very verge of losing his family? Should I talk to his parents? I don't really want to talk to his parents about it unless I really really have to. Actually everybody says that it's time for that talk now, but I still would wait for little bit more, probably because this talk would be really difficult for me.
So my dilemma really is right now, as I am going to visit my family anyway this coming summer, should I make it one way or round trip ticket. before that decision I'm gonna have to talk to his parents, decide if I'm gonna apply for my green card extension in February (and February is already next month). Not even talking about how difficult would it be to move back to Europe, since all my life is here now, including a dog and a cat. Last time I visited home I gave away everything I owned and had packed away in the boxes. But despite of everything I'm sure I can do it once I decide that it's the right thing to do. So I'm just hoping to get some advice here, since a lot of people here have much more experience with addictions and abusive behaviors. I realize that I'm the only one that can make that decision in my life, but little bit of advice and support would be nice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Welcome. Right now I am concerned for your and your dd's safety. Your Ah sounds violent. I would think long and hard about what you want for yourself and for her. You are being abused- and so is she. Right now she's pretty young to understand, but I am sure she feels tension. As someone who grew up in a tense, abusive home, I would strongly advise you get help in getting out of your situation. You cannot change your Ah- no one has the power to but him. And I am sorry to say it doesn't sound like the threat of you leaving is going to make him change his ways- he's blamed you for ruining his life? Tricking you into having a baby? Using him for your green card?
I believe you and your child deserve to be around people who will cherish and love you. Please- for your sake, do something now before it's too late. If it means going back to Europe- go! Take care!!!
I believe you and your child deserve to be around people who will cherish and love you. Please- for your sake, do something now before it's too late. If it means going back to Europe- go! Take care!!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this beatrix. As I see it you have a few options:
Go home to your family.
Stay and keep things as they are.
Stay and work on an intervention/get him into rehab.
Money is an issue I take it. Can you get home without his help or knowledge? If you stay and are willing to work on an intervention, then you'll need to speak with his friends and family, for sure. You need a backup plan also, he's violent Beatrix, his behavior is not acceptable. If you attempt an intervention, he could get angry and violent with you and the baby.
Go home to your family.
Stay and keep things as they are.
Stay and work on an intervention/get him into rehab.
Money is an issue I take it. Can you get home without his help or knowledge? If you stay and are willing to work on an intervention, then you'll need to speak with his friends and family, for sure. You need a backup plan also, he's violent Beatrix, his behavior is not acceptable. If you attempt an intervention, he could get angry and violent with you and the baby.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Beatrix,
One of the things that comes to mind when I read your post is that you are acting as if his anger and his horrible accusations are coming from a rational mind. As if they are things that you need to dispute or address. Ignore them. There is nothing in them except the sickness of an alcoholic mind. Nothing he says or does has any real truth to it. And (this is important) he probably doesn't even believe half the stuff he says himself! He is sick sick sick. He hates himself. He hates his life. And all of that anger that he is directing at you is the awful result of his deep imbedment in his disease.
So - don't even try to fight it. Just ignore it. Don't try to convince him of anything.
But now your task is to get out of the way so that you are not further trapped in his disease with him. You do not have to live a life of abuse and sorrow.
Additionally, you have a responsibility to protect your young child. Even at a very young age (maybe especially at a very young age) this kind of environment is horrible for children. They could grow up and have a whole life dominated by trying to recover from having an active, abusive, alcoholic parent. If you can't save yourself, save your child.
I think your in-laws have a right to know what is happening. And your husband has a right to be offered the opportunity to change before he loses his child. I think it would show compassion and integrity if you and your in-laws got together and addressed your husband about his abuse and his drinking.
However, if he does not chose, right there and then, to go into treatment - I think I would move out and find safety.
You do not immediately have to move to Europe. But you should immediately find a place that is safe from his wrath. Because if he doesn't seek help, he might get even angrier with you.
I think you might have legal problems if you move to Europe without his written consent and take his child. I would talk to a lawyer.
I'm sorry that you are in this horrible situation. I do know that you can find a better life. You don't have any obligation to be married to a man who is like this.
I hope you keep us posted. I'll be looking for anything you post. And I'll be praying for you to find strength and peace.
- Emilie
One of the things that comes to mind when I read your post is that you are acting as if his anger and his horrible accusations are coming from a rational mind. As if they are things that you need to dispute or address. Ignore them. There is nothing in them except the sickness of an alcoholic mind. Nothing he says or does has any real truth to it. And (this is important) he probably doesn't even believe half the stuff he says himself! He is sick sick sick. He hates himself. He hates his life. And all of that anger that he is directing at you is the awful result of his deep imbedment in his disease.
So - don't even try to fight it. Just ignore it. Don't try to convince him of anything.
But now your task is to get out of the way so that you are not further trapped in his disease with him. You do not have to live a life of abuse and sorrow.
Additionally, you have a responsibility to protect your young child. Even at a very young age (maybe especially at a very young age) this kind of environment is horrible for children. They could grow up and have a whole life dominated by trying to recover from having an active, abusive, alcoholic parent. If you can't save yourself, save your child.
I think your in-laws have a right to know what is happening. And your husband has a right to be offered the opportunity to change before he loses his child. I think it would show compassion and integrity if you and your in-laws got together and addressed your husband about his abuse and his drinking.
However, if he does not chose, right there and then, to go into treatment - I think I would move out and find safety.
You do not immediately have to move to Europe. But you should immediately find a place that is safe from his wrath. Because if he doesn't seek help, he might get even angrier with you.
I think you might have legal problems if you move to Europe without his written consent and take his child. I would talk to a lawyer.
I'm sorry that you are in this horrible situation. I do know that you can find a better life. You don't have any obligation to be married to a man who is like this.
I hope you keep us posted. I'll be looking for anything you post. And I'll be praying for you to find strength and peace.
- Emilie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
beatrix, I am so sorry you are going through this but so glad you found us. You are not alone in this any longer.
He sounds like a very angry, spoiled, unhappy man who is taking out his frustrations on you and the baby. Shouting at a baby? Punching holes in walls? Never ever taking on any responsibility for his child? What part of this is acceptable behavior?
It is a very short walk from punching walls to punching you or abusing your child when you aren't around. Very short.
Consider putting aside some money in a secret place to have an emergency fund in case you have to leave suddenly. You might find out if there are Al-Anon meetings near you...they can be a priceless source of local support. Explore your options in terms of having somewhere to go short-term if this gets worse. Consider moving your trip to Europe up to Springtime rather than summer.
Aside from the hell you are going through, your child's formative years are no time to put her through the trauma of living with an angry, shouting, active alcoholic. My parents forced us to stay in their alcoholic hell during our childhood, and it took me decades to feel good about myself as a person. Please consider whether this is what you want for your child.
Sending you hugs and strength to make wise, self-protective decisions here. Please keep posting....we're here for you.
He sounds like a very angry, spoiled, unhappy man who is taking out his frustrations on you and the baby. Shouting at a baby? Punching holes in walls? Never ever taking on any responsibility for his child? What part of this is acceptable behavior?
It is a very short walk from punching walls to punching you or abusing your child when you aren't around. Very short.
Consider putting aside some money in a secret place to have an emergency fund in case you have to leave suddenly. You might find out if there are Al-Anon meetings near you...they can be a priceless source of local support. Explore your options in terms of having somewhere to go short-term if this gets worse. Consider moving your trip to Europe up to Springtime rather than summer.
Aside from the hell you are going through, your child's formative years are no time to put her through the trauma of living with an angry, shouting, active alcoholic. My parents forced us to stay in their alcoholic hell during our childhood, and it took me decades to feel good about myself as a person. Please consider whether this is what you want for your child.
Sending you hugs and strength to make wise, self-protective decisions here. Please keep posting....we're here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
Beatrix, this is something you and your child do not deserve. It breaks my heart to think of that baby being yelled at and that he doesn't ever help with her. So sad and quite honestly, scary. he sounds like he could snap. I would really consider getting away from him sooner than later. I hate to be blunt but a little child is involved here. Your her only saftey. Call your folks and tell them what is going on. Please
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