Rose56

Good Morning Friends,
I am doing well this morning despite a rough night last night with my hubby. I can see how much I have grown that I am not more upset and obsessing about his behavior.

He just had a kind of melt down, I think, I am not sure still what happened. He has no money and I know that has him stressed. He loaned his brother some money ($100) and he has been trying to get that back I think. He took one of my checks and was supposed to go to the grocery store shopping. Well he must have picked up a couple of things and then got cash back. He went drinking and was pretty wasted when I got home. But he was ready to cry too. I guess he had a fight with his mother about his brother oweing him money. He thinks she always protects the brother, which maybe she does. He started telling me stuff I didn't want to hear, so I just left the house. I had a meeting to go to at the church and I just left early and went for Chinese food. When I got home he wasn't home, out drinking again. And that's it. I didn't try to talk to him or find out what was wrong. But I do see that he is beginning to break down. His blood pressure is also up because he is not taking his pills.

My son came home while hubby was really drunk and hubby starts to give him a hard time too. So like his mom he went out to a friend's house. I felt a little guilty that I have allowed my husband to remain in the house when his behavior is so unacceptable sometimes. I felt bad for my son and daughter to have to see their Dad that way and to have to put up with his shi*t. But I tried to delete these thoughts, guilt is not helpful.

So I am somewhat better but my hubby or living situation is not. I continue to pray for guidance and for my hubby to find his way. Thanks for listening.

liddy

(((Rose)))

I don't believe your unraveling. you sound like your doing what
you need to do for yourself. Your HP is working with you right now and will deal with your H in his time. Keep letting go Rose.

are the kids in any program or counciling? They should know this is a disease that they can't feel blame for or control as we have had to learn.
I know your growing.once the seed is planted and the roots take hold, with care the plant grows stronger and more beautiful !
many hugs
liddy

JT

Rose,

You are working so hard on yourself...you did an awsome job.

Have you looked at the relationship clearly lately? Are you receiving anything close to what you are giving? I am the first one to say that expectations get us in trouble...when I stopped expecting anything at all is when I started receiving. Has that happened for you? As I changed so did Ward...have you experienced any of that?

You have been working your program with all of your heart and soul...I know that. This program is not to teach us to fall further into martyrdom. This program teaches us to allow other's to live their lives without our interference...you have that part in spades. It is so freeing to be able to let go of control. Boundaries are also part of this program...he stole money (which you don't have enough of) from you to drink. That I would think is a boundary waiting to happen. When he drinks he gets ugly...another boundary.

You say he is tip-toeing around afraid that you will make him leave? His last behavior doesn't sound like tip-toeing to me...it sounds like work boots stomping through your life.

You know I care Rose...
JT

Rose56

Thanks for your thoughts. Liddy, my kids are not in any program or counseling. I have tried to encourage them to go but they resist. I will offer it again and see if they will respond.

JT, you share some valid thoughts. Interestingly enough lately I don't feel the urgency about "deciding" whether to stay with him or leave him. The detachment allows me to see him and to feel sorrow for his pain and suffering. But I don't feel it as a reflection of me anymore, I don't feel that if I stay with a person that has this disease and is suffering so much means that I am stupid or wasting my time. For the first time I feel some peace about what is in store for me in the future. Without any concrete evidence, I feel that my future will be good and that I am coming into awareness about what I "should" do. I don't know what the decision is yet, but I feel trust in God about it.

I will try to think objectively about the relationship over the next few days. Yes, it appears very one sided. But my sister reminded me this morning that when we were growing up no one was "thrilled" to be with us. No one told us we were wonderful or that they were happy to be with us. So when hubby came along, and he was so needy and he thought I was so wonderful, I was hooked. And after all these years he is still needy and he still thinks I am wonderful. This is a big thing I get from the relationship. I am working on feeling I am wonderful all by myself, but I'm not quite there yet. But you have a valid point and I will think on this.

As far as hubby walking on eggshells - the way it works is he feels like he is walking a thin line, then he acts out to see if he can get me to push him over it. He rebels. Then the stomping happens. But you know what? The stomping doesn't work anymore. Do I think he will shift with me? Maybe, time will tell.

I don't feel I am being a martyer, but I do need to work more on boundaries. I did hide my checks again last night and if necessary I can bring them to work. Last night when he drank and got ulgy, I didn't get mad, I felt compassion for him.
And yes, I know you care JT, thanks as always for giving me perspective. Oh and I cleaned out my private mailbox.

midknight

Heck Rose have them come here!? Maybe the anonymity of this place might allow them to vent thier feelings and feel they are not alone, or "freaks". Kids so want to fit in and I know a bit of what they are going through as my mother was perscription drug abuser.

Be strong and keep working on yourself. The answers you seek are buried inside yourself like hidden gold. Just keep digging!

I'm sending some mojo out there for ya.

-Midknight!

Ann

Rose

I see you moving at a pace that is healthy for you, and I can see your vision clearing every day!! It's no picnic, and there are trade-offs either way, but as we get stronger the choices truly become ours and no longer do we make them out of pure desparation.

Sending hugs and prayers, Rose, and I also hope your children can find some support to helo them deal with their issues in all this.

Hope today is filled with sunshine for you.

Hugs
Ann

corvettte_angel

Hey--
I like midknight's idea of trying to get the kids to come here. Just don't tell them your "name" and don't ask theirs so they can have a bit of privacy and they may open up a bit more. They will probably benefit from this place as much as you do.

Wishing you tons of luck-you are on the right path. Just keep going!
Love you bunches.
--Ångel