One more post, AH showed his insensitive side again...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
One more post, AH showed his insensitive side again...
Like I should still be surprised at anything by this point.
I found out tonight that one of the residents that I very much cared for passed away last night. I read it in the newspaper(off for a few days) and was a little sulken and teary-eyed over it.
I told AH about it a little bit later after I gathered myself, he gave me a hug at first. Once he realized who and what I was talking about he said "Well, she did it to herself" let loose and went back to what he was doing. A bit later he re-stated himself again just to make sure that I got the point.
I don't care how or why it happened, just the fact that it happened. She meant something to me and it broke my heart. Odd thing is, just a few days ago I thought that I was beyond feeling anything. I rarely cry or let myself feel hurt, maybe the promise I made myself to never cry near or around AH again is just a cover and thankfully isn't the reality.
I found out tonight that one of the residents that I very much cared for passed away last night. I read it in the newspaper(off for a few days) and was a little sulken and teary-eyed over it.
I told AH about it a little bit later after I gathered myself, he gave me a hug at first. Once he realized who and what I was talking about he said "Well, she did it to herself" let loose and went back to what he was doing. A bit later he re-stated himself again just to make sure that I got the point.
I don't care how or why it happened, just the fact that it happened. She meant something to me and it broke my heart. Odd thing is, just a few days ago I thought that I was beyond feeling anything. I rarely cry or let myself feel hurt, maybe the promise I made myself to never cry near or around AH again is just a cover and thankfully isn't the reality.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm no longer interested in being romantically -- or even socially -- involved with people who are more interested in being right (i.e. being judgmental) than they are in supporting me. I'd rather live alone in a cave for the rest of my natural life than have my brief stay here on Earth poisoned by such people.
Your compassion for this woman, without judgment, is a measure of your humanity.
Are you content to stay with someone who abuses your feelings? Is this the relationship you've always dreamed you'd have, hoped you'd have? Are you convinced this is all you deserve out of life?
Your compassion for this woman, without judgment, is a measure of your humanity.
Are you content to stay with someone who abuses your feelings? Is this the relationship you've always dreamed you'd have, hoped you'd have? Are you convinced this is all you deserve out of life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
This is so far from the relationship that I dreamed of it's not even funny, trust me I've obsessed over it.
No, I'm not content...this just sux and hurts.
Nope, I deserve a lot more out of my life. Through my work I've learned life is to short and death can come far to early for some. I don't want to know I'm dying tomorrow and this is what I've let myself come too.
This forum has been a great place for me since I've found it. I've learned I'm really not crazy. A lot of the things he led me to believe were my fault (lack of communication, intimacy, etc...) really WEREN'T my fault. They're the culmilation of years of drinking, verbal and physical abuse.
My last attempt at communicating resulted in the silent treatment for two days and things have felt "off" ever since.
No, I'm not content...this just sux and hurts.
Nope, I deserve a lot more out of my life. Through my work I've learned life is to short and death can come far to early for some. I don't want to know I'm dying tomorrow and this is what I've let myself come too.
This forum has been a great place for me since I've found it. I've learned I'm really not crazy. A lot of the things he led me to believe were my fault (lack of communication, intimacy, etc...) really WEREN'T my fault. They're the culmilation of years of drinking, verbal and physical abuse.
My last attempt at communicating resulted in the silent treatment for two days and things have felt "off" ever since.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I'm sorry you lost someone that you care about. Its hard when something like this happens and the A doesn't understand. I have learned that they don't have any empathy and can't relate. Do you have anyone you can talk to besides him? I know that I always wanted to have my X to comfort me when I was sad or upset but now I understand that he just wasn't capable. I would feel so bad and just needed a hug or a kind word but I always ended up feeling more sad and empty. I learned that I could not expect him to comfort me.
Most times he would try to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal and I should either get over it or stop being so sensitive but If he had a problem it was the end of the world. It's hard not to take it personal. If she meant something to you then don't let him try to belittle that. Meaning don't listen to him. It doesn't matter how it happened it is still a loss and it is very real to you. Sometimes we put up walls against our emotions so we won't feel hurt. We all have feelings in there somewhere and it is ok to feel sad right now. Take care of yourself.
Most times he would try to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal and I should either get over it or stop being so sensitive but If he had a problem it was the end of the world. It's hard not to take it personal. If she meant something to you then don't let him try to belittle that. Meaning don't listen to him. It doesn't matter how it happened it is still a loss and it is very real to you. Sometimes we put up walls against our emotions so we won't feel hurt. We all have feelings in there somewhere and it is ok to feel sad right now. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I also learned from coming here that the lack of communication and intimacy in my relationship with X really was not all my fault. He had me convinced that if I just did what he said everything would be great. that's all it would take was ME doing whatever HE wanted me to. It was just a never ending inner battle for me. I didn't want to have to "obey" someone and get nothing in return. Now I don't have to worry about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I started trying to better myself a little over a year ago, I started COLLEGE!!!! Through it I've had to re-take a couple classes, it's hard to get in the swing after 12 years being out of school and a AH who doesn't really support you. Heck, he tried to convince me to quit and start babysitting!!!!!
Mine makes it sound like WE need to work on things. That WE need to communicate. I mentioned in our last talk that I used to count beers. So now he's made it a point on one occassion to tell me exactly how many he had, while on other occassions he's made snide remarks my counting. Mine's really good at snide remarks.
Our working on us involves me becoming more intimate because he said everything else is great. I always get comments thrown at me that I don't love him, that I don't really love him, that I don't like him, etc... Blah, I think that's the quacking I've read about.
I really am trying to make myself a better person and to view myself as a good, smart person. It's a slow process, but I think that process has led me here.
Mine makes it sound like WE need to work on things. That WE need to communicate. I mentioned in our last talk that I used to count beers. So now he's made it a point on one occassion to tell me exactly how many he had, while on other occassions he's made snide remarks my counting. Mine's really good at snide remarks.
Our working on us involves me becoming more intimate because he said everything else is great. I always get comments thrown at me that I don't love him, that I don't really love him, that I don't like him, etc... Blah, I think that's the quacking I've read about.
I really am trying to make myself a better person and to view myself as a good, smart person. It's a slow process, but I think that process has led me here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Picture a life where you are in charge of how your whole day goes.
You go to school, then maybe head to work for a while, then home for a nice hot bubble bath. You look in the mirror and notice that you have really pretty eyes, and you're not afraid to admit it. You make YOUR favorite dinner for YOU and maybe for someone who cares what kind of day you've had, asks you how you feel about things, gives you a hug for no reason. A little homework, a little TV, and you go to bed looking forward to tomorrow, sleep like a rock until the alarm goes off.
No yelling. No accusations. No drunkenness. No abuse. No lies. No fooling around. No criticizing you left and right. Your feelings matter. You are proud of what you're accomplishing and you don't give a rat's a** if anyone else approves of you or not. You are at peace with yourself and your life, right here, right now.
inahaze: This scenario is what a normal life looks like for many people. THIS IS THE LIFE YOU DESERVE. And honest to god? It's not all that hard to find. The only kicker is that you'd have to find the strength, the anger, or the courage to get out from under the suffocating relationship you're IN before you could even hope for something better.
When it's worth it to you, you will change your life. I know I didn't until I really had a clear picture of what I wanted instead. Dreaming it up and writing it down (the above) saved my life, and as a result I will never be abused again.
Hugs to you to "get there" when you're ready.....
You go to school, then maybe head to work for a while, then home for a nice hot bubble bath. You look in the mirror and notice that you have really pretty eyes, and you're not afraid to admit it. You make YOUR favorite dinner for YOU and maybe for someone who cares what kind of day you've had, asks you how you feel about things, gives you a hug for no reason. A little homework, a little TV, and you go to bed looking forward to tomorrow, sleep like a rock until the alarm goes off.
No yelling. No accusations. No drunkenness. No abuse. No lies. No fooling around. No criticizing you left and right. Your feelings matter. You are proud of what you're accomplishing and you don't give a rat's a** if anyone else approves of you or not. You are at peace with yourself and your life, right here, right now.
inahaze: This scenario is what a normal life looks like for many people. THIS IS THE LIFE YOU DESERVE. And honest to god? It's not all that hard to find. The only kicker is that you'd have to find the strength, the anger, or the courage to get out from under the suffocating relationship you're IN before you could even hope for something better.
When it's worth it to you, you will change your life. I know I didn't until I really had a clear picture of what I wanted instead. Dreaming it up and writing it down (the above) saved my life, and as a result I will never be abused again.
Hugs to you to "get there" when you're ready.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((inahaze)))
Sorry about the loss of your patient. So sad.
When I first started dating my BF of 8 years I had been divorced a couple of years. He used to laugh at the things that impressed me about him and say- Wow your ex really left the bar set pretty low!
Most of what I felt as wow super-BF behavior was really just Standard Operating Procedure for a normal healthy relationship.
Like: Asking about and then listening and being interested in my day. Sharing his day.
Offering to run some of my errands when I'm overwhelmed.
Telling me I look pretty in that shirt.
Saying goodnight before we fall asleep.
Being responsible for himself, the ability to get up on time, pay bills on time, manage his time.
Getting to the real bottom of arguments, not stonewalling, or turning my words back on me, or one-upping. Offering a "peace branch" or accepting my "peace branch" if things have come to an impasse - knowing we may not reach 100% agreement on everything etc. but that's OK!!!
Making me laugh.
Hugs & patience when I am blue.
Doing some little thing just to make me happy.
I mean, the list goes on and on.
Do you know (well YES you do!!) how absolutely starved I was for those SIMPLE things while I was married to my exH??? I was suffering from serious relationship malnutrition.
But only I could get the courage up to walk away from that dry desert. I didn't want to live there anymore. Why would anyone?? I know for me the fear of change, the feelings of failure, the worry over my kids reaction, my family's reaction, the worry about financial survival etc. all kept me sitting in a massive pile of miserable worry, all going down IN MY MIND.
Once I took the first bold step each next step became less scary and very clear. Easy? No! But worth it - worth all the effort. My thinking had become so twisted by my codie illusion of contro over my exH....UGH - I really shudder to think of it....in a haze was the perfect description - and wow what a feeling of clarity when I finally moved into the sun and let that haze burn off!
I hope you can find your way to sunlight, freedom, normalcy!
And kudos for going back to school - I am in Community College pursuing Nursing. It is kicking my butt in the best ways!! Man, was I rusty - especially in Math - yuk!
peace & courage-
B.
Sorry about the loss of your patient. So sad.
When I first started dating my BF of 8 years I had been divorced a couple of years. He used to laugh at the things that impressed me about him and say- Wow your ex really left the bar set pretty low!
Most of what I felt as wow super-BF behavior was really just Standard Operating Procedure for a normal healthy relationship.
Like: Asking about and then listening and being interested in my day. Sharing his day.
Offering to run some of my errands when I'm overwhelmed.
Telling me I look pretty in that shirt.
Saying goodnight before we fall asleep.
Being responsible for himself, the ability to get up on time, pay bills on time, manage his time.
Getting to the real bottom of arguments, not stonewalling, or turning my words back on me, or one-upping. Offering a "peace branch" or accepting my "peace branch" if things have come to an impasse - knowing we may not reach 100% agreement on everything etc. but that's OK!!!
Making me laugh.
Hugs & patience when I am blue.
Doing some little thing just to make me happy.
I mean, the list goes on and on.
Do you know (well YES you do!!) how absolutely starved I was for those SIMPLE things while I was married to my exH??? I was suffering from serious relationship malnutrition.
But only I could get the courage up to walk away from that dry desert. I didn't want to live there anymore. Why would anyone?? I know for me the fear of change, the feelings of failure, the worry over my kids reaction, my family's reaction, the worry about financial survival etc. all kept me sitting in a massive pile of miserable worry, all going down IN MY MIND.
Once I took the first bold step each next step became less scary and very clear. Easy? No! But worth it - worth all the effort. My thinking had become so twisted by my codie illusion of contro over my exH....UGH - I really shudder to think of it....in a haze was the perfect description - and wow what a feeling of clarity when I finally moved into the sun and let that haze burn off!
I hope you can find your way to sunlight, freedom, normalcy!
And kudos for going back to school - I am in Community College pursuing Nursing. It is kicking my butt in the best ways!! Man, was I rusty - especially in Math - yuk!
peace & courage-
B.
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