Laden101

Osakis & All, I am reading the same book too. I am new to the concept of me being co-dependent, and it is hard to face. I keep thinking that it isn't true and how is a book going to make me better? My abf and I have been together for a little over two years. He has been addicted to meth and been in prison in his past, and when I met him he was trying to start over. Only two weeks after getting together, he unexpectedly had to go back to prison for 8 months due to error in computing his initial terms. So I stuck it out with him and once he was out, he moved in with my son and I. We have been living together ever since, and his two kids moved in with us too. After he soon got out of prison, he started drinking and it eventually became worse. Bf was arrested about 6 months ago and has been ordered to be in treatment, which he has and made it two months sober before beginning to drink again. In the mean time, CPS has taken the kids and they live with the grandparents and I have done everything that CPS has asked and have tried to make my bf "see the light" and see what it is doing to all of us. The thing that I have come to realize is that he only cares about himself, and I am so upset that I can't change that. That is the co-dependency talking I know, but I don't know how to get past this. We are financially unstable and I need him to keep living with me due to he is the only one with the income right now ( I lost my job a month ago and haven't been able to find work). I also don't want him to move out. My view and wants of the future are to be a family and he can't see that cause he only thinks about the here and now. He has said that he wants to move out and still stay together, but I am afraid once he's gone, he will really be gone. I know I shouldn't choose him over my son and I guess ultimately I am because I want and believe we can get the kids back and be a family again. I just don't know what to do without him or how to survive without him. I love him and he still loves me. We got into an argument last night, which has led him to pack a few of his things and leave to go stay at his mom's with his kids. I am at a loss. What am I suppose to do? Do I just let him have his time to be away from me or do I fight to get him back? WOW! I didn't mean to write a novel, but as you might have guessed I am new to this and haven't been able to talk to anyone who understands. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

FormerDoormat

Are you saying that his children AND your child were taken by CPS or just his children? If it's the former, I can't imagine any mother choosing an addict over their child. I think it's important to clarify this question before folks respond to your post.

Barbara52

I tried reading these several times and not get that you have lsot your children because of this man. I can't. You pretty clearly state DPS took your son and you have chosen your ABF over your own child. I do not want to go off on you, you are clearly reaching out for help, but please, please try to understand what you are doing to your son with this decision! How devastating it must be for that child, thinking he did something so awful that his own mother doesn't want him around and prefers to be with the ABF. Think of the lessons your son is learning from you!

veryrestless722

i would never choose a man over my son, one of the main reason for cutting ties with my xah is because he didnt step up and be a father and thought he could see my son when he felt like it for all of 15 minutes, your children should be number one no matter what its one thing to hurt me but ill be da*ned your gonna hurt my child, i dont know how old your son is but by being raised around a man like that what do you think your son is gonna turn out like?

dont know what to tell you really its a tough choice you have to make, maybe him leaving is the best thing for you

JerseyGirl

I agree....if your son was taken, my reaction is quite different from what it would be if he is home.....but in neither case do I think I would be "fighting" for someone who chose to leave.

Laden101

Thank you all for replying, and I deserve every reaction you gave. I guess I am right about myself and that is that I am one f**&ed up person and mother. I know it doesn't make sense to any of you because it doesn't with me, but my thoughts were that if by abf got sober and we both did what CPS asked of us, we would get our kids back and be a family. All I want is to be a family, is that too much to ask for? I know what my abf is like when he is sober and I thought we could have a life together, but I am thinking that I have wool over my eyes. My son is 7 yrs old and loves his grandparents more than anything, so he loves staying with them and I do see him and talk to him everyday. So, please don't think that I am that horrible of a mother. I love my son with all of my being and that will never change. I am sorry that I upset all of you, I am just trying to find help, trying to find someone I can talk to, someone who can help me through this rough, time because I know that it is only going to get worse before it gets better.

Thanks for listening

ToughChoices

It's good that you're here.
I'm glad that your son is safe with his grandparents. It certainly isn't safe for a child to be living with an active addict.

Having a happy, intact family is a nice dream, but it may be time to consider that it is not a feasible dream with your current partner.
In fact, right now your family is less intact than ever - as a direct result of your partner's irresponsibility and drug abuse.

I think that a seven year-old boy needs your love in a much greater and important way than your boyfriend needs it.

Keep posting, keep asking.
Welcome to the forum!

-TC

embraced2000

if this is the life you want, just continue on. you have lots of hellish fun in your future.

and it will get much worse than you ever expected.

if this is not the life you want, get out now and get yourself well, get your child back and create a life that is full and rich of true love and peace.

Jadmack25

"I know that it is only going to get worse before it gets better."

Have I got your story correct?

Abf has been in prison a few times, he only cares about himself, he ran off to mum after an argument, he wants to live apart from you, you are bewildered and upset, and to top it off, your son has been taken from YOU to live with his Grandparents.

I am really interested in learning from you, just how much worse does it have to get for you and your son, before you call it quits?
I fear your dream of a lovely family life with your abf will never be anything but a dream, and more than likely become a nightmare.

You alone can decide if you want your life and your small son's, to continue being run by a man who can't run his own life without chaos and pain to you and his own children.
Meanwhile you are missing out on the precious time of your son's childhood and he is separated from his mother.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but to be honest I would let my abf get taken into care, not my small child.

Hope you can look at the big picture and get yourself and your boy back together soon.

bearfeet

I'm so sorry you are in the situation you are in, I can understand at the end of a particularly long and unpleasant drinking binge earlier in the year I spent days at home struggling to care for my baby, I ran out of money for her things and was exhausted just wishing he'd come back to help. I sort of 'snapped' took too many tablets and ended up in hospital (have never in my life done anything like that before) When the social worker visited I asked him to take her away to live with a family who could care for her. He asked me why I wanted this. I told him it was because I couldn't but in my twisted reality I thought because if she wasn't here HE will come back to me and even if I have to I can drink with him I will until he sees how much he loves me. The social worker thankfully saw that this was not the best option and arranged for us to go home with lots of support and now we are happy just me and baby.

So I understand peoples shock at your choice but I too made it during a truly truly terrible time.

I believe you love your son like I do my daughter but at that time my need to be loved by him was so strong I didn't recognise the love I had for her.

Listen to those here, You and your son are the only important ones, stand by him and watch him grow, take all the love you need from him, genuine, real love and you will thank yourself, as I do still that social worker every day from that point onwards.

Be strong, you are not a horrible Mother just one that is dealing with horrible things.

xxxxxxxx

Techie1701

Do you think you moved in with him too fast? You had known him for two weeks IRL, and for 8 months while he was in prison? Is he a good influence on your son?

I know what you mean about the dream of a happy family life, but this does not sound like a man who you will have this with :sorry. Is it worth chosing him over your son?

Barbara52

Of course it's not too much to ask for. BUT is it based in reality or in your dreams for your life?

It's hard to let go of dreams and deal in reality. Especially when "love" is involved. But, I have found the dealing with "what is" rather than "what I wish would be" leads to a much better life. It reads like the "if he gets sober" part here is far from happening.

Stick around, read as much as you can, inform yourself on what alcoholism does to you and start figuring out what you want in yuor life for yourself and your son.

veryrestless722

I understand your need for a family, i tried to hang on to the hope that my xah would wise up and see that he should be with his family, i would give anything to have my "dream" family but it just aint gonna happen, he is more worried about hisself and his life to be a family, my son is a little over a month now and ive raised him alone since birth, i get no help from my xah, hes only seen him twice for a total of maybe 20-30 minutes, I learned quickly that he wasnt going to be there for me and i cut him off, he can no longer contact me or harass me anymore, its a tough decision and only you can decide what to do, but you might be surprised how much better things are if you get him completely out of your life

hello-kitty

Wow. I really appreciate all the posts on this thread as it reminds me of just how lost we can become when trying to help addicts/alcoholics. How sad that you have lost your child because of your intense need to save your boyfriend. Have you ever heard the saying "sometimes we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic?" That is what codendency is. It is very similar to the disease of addiction. Only we are addicted to a person, not drugs or alcohol.

I would encourage you to take the focus off your relationship with your bf and his alcohol/drug problems, and put it on yourself, your own recovery and getting your child and your life back.

Your bf may or may not get better. You cannot predict or control what he is going to do. You can only control your own recovery. So please try.

Acceptance of your disease is the first step. Have you gone to any alanon meetings? I think face to face support may really help you and also may help you should you go in front of a judge to get your child back.

Good luck. And god bless your poor little son. He is the innocent victim in this.

Jadmack25

Well put Anvilhead, my thoughts exactly.

Laden101

I just want to thank all of you for responding, even if some of you were a little harsh. It is exactly what I need, and I intend to learn from all the advice you have given to me. Since abf left yesterday morning, we have not spoke at all and I have been fighting my want to contact him. I haven't, and I won't. I am slowly understanding that I need to refocus my love, needs, and wants elsewhere, especially towards my son. I know I need to move on and work on myself and the co-dependency issues I have. I think I just have to take it one step at a time, and one day, hour, or minute at a time. I really do appreciate all the replies and I will certainly be back for more advice, as I am sure I will need some.
Thanks Again!

Jadmack25

Sorry for being a bit harsh on you Laden, but it really gets me upset to see lovely young ones like yourself, throwing themselves and and their futures away on absolute losers.
You deserve the love and loyalty of a real man, not one who only has love and loyalty to his addictions.
You said you wanted a real family, well sweetie, you have one already- you and your son are a real family and need to be together. Frankly you, your son and xabf never were and never would be, because he didn't want what you did and helped break up you and your son.

I hope you keep coming here and get strength, ideas and support in your struggle.
No-one is mean and nasty, just trying to get messages across to help you from going thru some of the years of suffering they have experienced. God knows I don't enjoy seeing someone going thru the hell of addiction, or living with it's misery.

God bless

CatsPajamas

This is a touchy subject and I know it tears at a lot of heart strings as it deals with one of our basic fears - losing a child.

However, I'd like to suggest that people stick to their own experience, strength and hope as it deals even with a situation like this...

Thanks
Cats

FormerDoormat

I'm glad you're sticking with us, Laden. It shows you really want to find answers and effect change. That's the first, and perhaps most difficult step. Good for you for resisting your urge to continue with the drama. I certainly know how difficult that is.

I found that as long as I was able to focus on myself and my needs it was easier to stay away from folks who were detrimental to myself, my children, my health, my future, my life.

So, what steps are necessary to regain custody of your son? That may be a good place to focus your energy at the moment.