Trying to understand
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Trying to understand
I'm posting this here because I'm hoping to get some insight from people that have gone through a family member being an alcoholic and how they deal with it. I am an alcoholic with one year sobriety, and I LOVE and honor and cherish my sobriety deeply, yet I am having an issue with my father. Now that I've been sober a year, I'm learning how to stand up for myself and not hide from everyone, to express myself and not be embarrassed for being me, because I think that had a lot to do with why I started drinking in the first place. Recently, when I started standing up to my dad about things I didn't agree with, he has become angrier and angrier with me (I pretty much let him tell me what to do and think the entire two years that I drank). Two weeks ago, when we got into a disagreement, he started yelling that the only reason I was disagreeing with him was because I'm a drunk and was probably drinking again. I was so hurt, but I remained calm and just figured I'd let things pass. He has no reason to think I am drinking at all, so I just thought it was said in anger. It's been two weeks now that he hasn't spoken to me, he won't return my phone calls, and when my two boys have called them (which are their only grandsons), they tell them they won't see them as long as I'm around. It's almost my birthday and Christmas, and I am so deeply hurt and angry. I would like some insight. I know I put them through a lot when I was drinking, but I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do now, and they choose now to tear our family apart. It's very hard to understand.
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Tourniquet, I have no idea what is going on in your father's mind. If you have already told him you're not drinking, if it's true that you're not (I assume it is, but again, we can't know that from here either), and if he refuses to believe you, then I'd suggest just trying to detach from the situation and focus on your own life and your own sobriety for now.
In my family, several family members were alcoholics. Sometimes, when they claimed they were sober, they were. Sometimes not. Either way, there were certain behavior patterns that always arose when they were drinking, and if any of us felt like those behaviors were rising to the surface again, we made ourselves scarce out of self-preservation.
Sometimes it takes a long, long time for trust to return. Especially if you've put the family through hell, you may have to be very patient. If you continue on your road to recovery, he will eventually come around. Your life, however, is your life. Keep living it.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
In my family, several family members were alcoholics. Sometimes, when they claimed they were sober, they were. Sometimes not. Either way, there were certain behavior patterns that always arose when they were drinking, and if any of us felt like those behaviors were rising to the surface again, we made ourselves scarce out of self-preservation.
Sometimes it takes a long, long time for trust to return. Especially if you've put the family through hell, you may have to be very patient. If you continue on your road to recovery, he will eventually come around. Your life, however, is your life. Keep living it.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
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Originally Posted by atourniquet 
I'm posting this here because I'm hoping to get some insight from people that have gone through a family member being an alcoholic and how they deal with it. I am an alcoholic with one year sobriety, and I LOVE and honor and cherish my sobriety deeply, yet I am having an issue with my father. Now that I've been sober a year, I'm learning how to stand up for myself and not hide from everyone, to express myself and not be embarrassed for being me, because I think that had a lot to do with why I started drinking in the first place. Recently, when I started standing up to my dad about things I didn't agree with, he has become angrier and angrier with me (I pretty much let him tell me what to do and think the entire two years that I drank). Two weeks ago, when we got into a disagreement, he started yelling that the only reason I was disagreeing with him was because I'm a drunk and was probably drinking again. I was so hurt, but I remained calm and just figured I'd let things pass. He has no reason to think I am drinking at all, so I just thought it was said in anger. It's been two weeks now that he hasn't spoken to me, he won't return my phone calls, and when my two boys have called them (which are their only grandsons), they tell them they won't see them as long as I'm around. It's almost my birthday and Christmas, and I am so deeply hurt and angry. I would like some insight. I know I put them through a lot when I was drinking, but I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do now, and they choose now to tear our family apart. It's very hard to understand.
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My brother is alcoholic, he's physically and mentally abused his son, taken money from our parents, treated the whole family like crap for a good couple of years and basically disowned us all at one point. Now he's supposedly sober (I don't believe he is but it's irellevant now) he expcts all of us to accept him as a fine upstanding member of our family again. I just can't do that, no matter how much I want to, I've seen the pain my parents went through, not because of him, but for him, I've dealt with the pain his son went through and is still going through. I can't just change everything and let my guard down because he says he isn't drinking. Maybe your father feels something similar, I don't mean any offence by this, it's just how I feel about my brother., I still love him as my brother and as I always did, I just can't change as quick as he appears to have. Self defence I guess.
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understanding
lucy, I appreciate your response. My situation is a little different from your brother's. I never stole from my parents or hurt my kids (in fact, I never once drank around my kids), never drove after drinking, none of that. I didn't start drinking until I was 32, and it started out innocently (a glass of wine or two), but within 8 months, I was a full blown alcoholic. I ended up in the hospital twice in a six month period for not knowing when to stop, and I drank alone, so the second time my father found me unconscious in my house when I didn't show up to church. That was the horrible thing I did to him. I can only imagine what that did to him. I have apologized all I can for that, though. Immediately after that I went through 2 months of inpatient treatment followed by 4 months outpatient treatment. I was dedicated and determined to get better and never relapse, and by the grace of God, I'm sober today. I know it scares my family to think of me ever drinking again, but not nearly as much as it scares me, so anyway, it just really hurts how my father is behaving after all the work I've done and how proud of my sobriety I am, how precious it is to me. He can't take that away from me, but nothing hurts worse than saying I'm probably drinking just because I don't agree with him about something (politics, at that). My family has always been close, so this is so hard. Anyway, I guess my point is, it's sometimes hard for the alcoholic to understand their family members, just like it's hard for the family to understand the alcoholic.
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it's sometimes hard for the alcoholic to understand their family members, just like it's hard for the family to understand the alcoholic
Your dad may need more time to process what's happened. I know that my father's pain over almost losing his daughter didn't come out for many years, and it too came out as anger.
Sounds like you two will need to be patient with EACH OTHER. I know it stinks to be working so hard and have this happen but...hang in there and focus on your life. We non-alcoholics have our own recovery process to work through...
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Atourniquet,
I really sympathize with you. I've been sober for 10 months and continue to struggle with my husband's belief that I've "probably" had affairs. The truth is that I never even remotely had any kind of relationship which could be construed as unfaithful or even flirty. It seems completely bizarre to me that this is what he's chosen to focus on when I've found recovery and sobriety.
At first, my response was bewilderment. Then I just decided to be as transparent as possible - giving him permission to check my phone, my email, this website, my facebook account, and anything else he needs to feel more secure. It doesn't appear to make any difference. I continue to feel bewildered and someone offended, to be truthful. There is just no evidence. And in fact, it is contrary to some basic aspects of my character. I have a hard time with new people and places, a lot of social anxiety, fear of men (I was raped) etc. It doesn't make sense to me.
But here's the thing. I really want to build trust with my husband. And if his reaction to my sobriety isn't exactly what I would hope for or is even confusing to me, I want to accept that. I want to let his reaction be whatever it is.
I think your dad is doing himself a disservice and is being incredibly rude to you. And I feel for the grandkids.
But alcoholism has a different effect on different people. I can't predict or control how my husband will handle my continued sobriety. But he went for years without knowing when I was going to be drunk and happy and when I was going to e drunk and stupid or when I was going to be drunk and angry or when I was going to be drunk and passed out. Who knows what his heart and mind has to go through in order to find peace after I find sobriety?
Just because I found sobriety doesn't mean everyone else instantaneously gets in line to find maturity, acceptance and forgiveness.
But it would hurt me a lot too if my family accused me of drinking when I wasn't. We try so hard. I bought my husband a breathylzer and would do it on myself to prove to him when he seemed doubtful in my early sober weeks.
Good luck to you. Hang in there. And good job getting sober!!!
I really sympathize with you. I've been sober for 10 months and continue to struggle with my husband's belief that I've "probably" had affairs. The truth is that I never even remotely had any kind of relationship which could be construed as unfaithful or even flirty. It seems completely bizarre to me that this is what he's chosen to focus on when I've found recovery and sobriety.
At first, my response was bewilderment. Then I just decided to be as transparent as possible - giving him permission to check my phone, my email, this website, my facebook account, and anything else he needs to feel more secure. It doesn't appear to make any difference. I continue to feel bewildered and someone offended, to be truthful. There is just no evidence. And in fact, it is contrary to some basic aspects of my character. I have a hard time with new people and places, a lot of social anxiety, fear of men (I was raped) etc. It doesn't make sense to me.
But here's the thing. I really want to build trust with my husband. And if his reaction to my sobriety isn't exactly what I would hope for or is even confusing to me, I want to accept that. I want to let his reaction be whatever it is.
I think your dad is doing himself a disservice and is being incredibly rude to you. And I feel for the grandkids.
But alcoholism has a different effect on different people. I can't predict or control how my husband will handle my continued sobriety. But he went for years without knowing when I was going to be drunk and happy and when I was going to e drunk and stupid or when I was going to be drunk and angry or when I was going to be drunk and passed out. Who knows what his heart and mind has to go through in order to find peace after I find sobriety?
Just because I found sobriety doesn't mean everyone else instantaneously gets in line to find maturity, acceptance and forgiveness.
But it would hurt me a lot too if my family accused me of drinking when I wasn't. We try so hard. I bought my husband a breathylzer and would do it on myself to prove to him when he seemed doubtful in my early sober weeks.
Good luck to you. Hang in there. And good job getting sober!!!
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Okay Mle and Tourniquet I am going to throw something out here. Something I figured out after several years sober.
What you are both experiencing is also CONTROL, them trying to control you. Now, ironically enough all those years I drank, in many respects they did control me. Yes they enabled me, but they also had some means of 'control.'
MLE there is no reason whatsoever to give him all that access. It's can be another step in 'controlling' you. After all you say he never knew what mood you would be but he did know that you would be drunk. Now, he is confused, he has an independent, clear headed human being and honestly doesn't know what to do, so............if he lashes out, makes accusations that he either believes or not, he keeps you off balance, that is 'control.'
Tourniquet, I would imagine that when you were drinking and early into recovery you never disagreed with your father. He would tell you to do something and you would. Now that you are of a clearer mind, taking care of business on a daily basis, and have realized you are an individual you may not always agree with him. Anger is a form of attempting to control another.
Try and let it go for now. Yes, you are hurt and probably angry also at the way they are treating your children, however, it will pass. As said above as you continue to grow and change in your own recovery they will come around. May not always like what you have become (a strong individual) but they will come around.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
What you are both experiencing is also CONTROL, them trying to control you. Now, ironically enough all those years I drank, in many respects they did control me. Yes they enabled me, but they also had some means of 'control.'
MLE there is no reason whatsoever to give him all that access. It's can be another step in 'controlling' you. After all you say he never knew what mood you would be but he did know that you would be drunk. Now, he is confused, he has an independent, clear headed human being and honestly doesn't know what to do, so............if he lashes out, makes accusations that he either believes or not, he keeps you off balance, that is 'control.'
Tourniquet, I would imagine that when you were drinking and early into recovery you never disagreed with your father. He would tell you to do something and you would. Now that you are of a clearer mind, taking care of business on a daily basis, and have realized you are an individual you may not always agree with him. Anger is a form of attempting to control another.
Try and let it go for now. Yes, you are hurt and probably angry also at the way they are treating your children, however, it will pass. As said above as you continue to grow and change in your own recovery they will come around. May not always like what you have become (a strong individual) but they will come around.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Well, Laurie, You've stumped me! 
You know, I come at it from a place that assumes I have to do whatever it takes to make things better. Otherwise, I'm not sure we'll make it. And since I've got nothing to hide, why hide anything? Sure it's a bit invasive. But....
But when you say he no longer has the drunk person he'd grown to accept. And used to support a whole lot of grudges, judgements and superiority feelings.... He is very much a control freak. I guess you picked that up huh? ( :
And then you say: "Now, he is confused, he has an independent, clear headed human being and honestly doesn't know what to do, so............if he lashes out, makes accusations that he either believes or not, he keeps you off balance, that is 'control.'"
Hmmmmmmmmm........ Makes me think. Thank you. Thank you.
We have marriage therapy tomorrow if he doesn't flake. Interesting all alround. Thank you!
And Tourniquet - hope I didn't hi-jack your post. I think Laurie's on to something. What do you think?
Love to you all. I love this site. I learn so much all the time. Thank you!
You know, I come at it from a place that assumes I have to do whatever it takes to make things better. Otherwise, I'm not sure we'll make it. And since I've got nothing to hide, why hide anything? Sure it's a bit invasive. But....
But when you say he no longer has the drunk person he'd grown to accept. And used to support a whole lot of grudges, judgements and superiority feelings.... He is very much a control freak. I guess you picked that up huh? ( :
And then you say: "Now, he is confused, he has an independent, clear headed human being and honestly doesn't know what to do, so............if he lashes out, makes accusations that he either believes or not, he keeps you off balance, that is 'control.'"
Hmmmmmmmmm........ Makes me think. Thank you. Thank you.
We have marriage therapy tomorrow if he doesn't flake. Interesting all alround. Thank you!
And Tourniquet - hope I didn't hi-jack your post. I think Laurie's on to something. What do you think?
Love to you all. I love this site. I learn so much all the time. Thank you!
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mle- sober
"I've been sober for 10 months and continue to struggle with my husband's belief that I've "probably" had affairs."
I can comment on this one I think. I think- even after several months my AH was sober- I still had a deep distrust - questioning eerything in my mind.After all- he lied to me so much for so long- it was extremely hard to begin to trust again. And then when I started to believe I could trust him again- he relapsed and the same behaviors were back. I'm not saying you aren't doing everything you need to do- but it is hard for a spouse of anaddict to trust- even when they are sober.
"I've been sober for 10 months and continue to struggle with my husband's belief that I've "probably" had affairs."
I can comment on this one I think. I think- even after several months my AH was sober- I still had a deep distrust - questioning eerything in my mind.After all- he lied to me so much for so long- it was extremely hard to begin to trust again. And then when I started to believe I could trust him again- he relapsed and the same behaviors were back. I'm not saying you aren't doing everything you need to do- but it is hard for a spouse of anaddict to trust- even when they are sober.
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Laurie: Re-read your post and think you may have something in what you say. Makes a lot of sense to me. Also it makes me think I should look at myself to see if it applies to my own situation at all.
Thanks for that, "I think".
Thanks for that, "I think".
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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For what it's worth, on the topic of whether transparency is justified or necessary, my husband has always had access to everything of mine -- email, facebook, phone, everything. And neither of us are alcoholics. I personally believe in transparency in a relationship if there's nothing to hide....if I had something I needed to keep from him or vice-versa, there'd be something wrong with our life. So I respect MLE for her actions, myself, and think it involves a lot of courage.
(on the other hand, I have been in relationship with someone who simply got better and better at hiding things, genius really, so I can see why sometimes even that wouldn't be enough, if the history was awful enough)
I was also really affected by this:
So true. Sad all around of course, but true.
(on the other hand, I have been in relationship with someone who simply got better and better at hiding things, genius really, so I can see why sometimes even that wouldn't be enough, if the history was awful enough)
I was also really affected by this:
Just because I found sobriety doesn't mean everyone else instantaneously gets in line to find maturity, acceptance and forgiveness.
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JMHO but it seems your dad may have issues. . . and if you are standing up for yourself all of a sudden after not doing this with him, it's "upsetting the apple cart" perhaps.
In my situation, I am finally standing up for myself as well. I'm no longer hiding the truth or hiding behind shame. I lived for 18 years with a man who lied, drank, gambled and had affairs. I'm not exposing his issues for the world to see, but I am not hiding it in our divorce papers either. My MIL (not to mention STBXAH) is not happy with my decision to protect myself and dd by "exposing" him to the court. Too bad. I can't live my life trying- at my expense- to make everyone else around me happy. I can only do the next right thing- for me.
Your father may be upset he can't control you the way he used to. Is there something at the root of that? You can only do what is right for you. If your father takes offense to that, you have no control over it. Congratulations on your sobriety.
In my situation, I am finally standing up for myself as well. I'm no longer hiding the truth or hiding behind shame. I lived for 18 years with a man who lied, drank, gambled and had affairs. I'm not exposing his issues for the world to see, but I am not hiding it in our divorce papers either. My MIL (not to mention STBXAH) is not happy with my decision to protect myself and dd by "exposing" him to the court. Too bad. I can't live my life trying- at my expense- to make everyone else around me happy. I can only do the next right thing- for me.
Your father may be upset he can't control you the way he used to. Is there something at the root of that? You can only do what is right for you. If your father takes offense to that, you have no control over it. Congratulations on your sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I've been sober over 18 years now, and my mother still has resentments/anger that tend to surface when they are enabling my youngest AD and I refuse to get caught up in the dynamics.
It's sad, and it can be very ugly and hurtful, but I have to let it go and let God. As others have already said, you can't control others and their reactions.
It's sad, and it can be very ugly and hurtful, but I have to let it go and let God. As others have already said, you can't control others and their reactions.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Maybe the fact that your dad found you passed out scared him and he is just protecting himself from having to go through it again. maybe its something he isn't even aware of.
People develop coping strategies that aren't always healthy or useful after awhile. So maybe your dad needs to get some help.
I understand it hurts your feelings but in saying that you might also be saying that you are looking to him for approval and we know that doesn't work.
You just have to do your own thing and if it's the right thing then you can have pride in that. also, Sometimes the A's in our life don't even realize how much they affected us.
People develop coping strategies that aren't always healthy or useful after awhile. So maybe your dad needs to get some help.
I understand it hurts your feelings but in saying that you might also be saying that you are looking to him for approval and we know that doesn't work.
You just have to do your own thing and if it's the right thing then you can have pride in that. also, Sometimes the A's in our life don't even realize how much they affected us.
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