Family has hit bottom... brother has not... Where To Start?
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Family has hit bottom... brother has not... Where To Start?
I wrote this on 10/25...
I wasn't sure where to start or what forum to include this in... because I believe my brother uses drugs, alcohol, gambling on a semi-regular basis to cope with life. If I were to pinpoint a single vice that my brother uses I probably couldn't come up with it. He moves from job to job... with little advancement, is fired frequently, spents money like there is a hole in his pocket. and lives with my parents at age 36 with no signs of ever leaving. I'm just looking for some help... direction in how to deal with a persistant and painful situation.
My brother is our 'Black Sheep'... middle child, never graduated high school (has a GED)... started drinking at age 13... using drugs (pot mostly) after high school and never found his footing in life. He can't hold a job, (unless it requires little or no responsibility) and he effortlessly shirks his life and family responsibilities on a daily basis. For most of his life he has lived with my parents... when he was 25 he lived away for a year. My parents took him back to help him get on his feet. ... About 10 years ago he got married and moved in with his wife... that lasted three years and they had a son. Throughout the entire marriage he was in and out of work. His son is now 7 years old and they live together with my parents (grandparents) are supporting him. Again he is jobless.
My brother shows every subtle sign of being an addict... except you rarely catch him in the act. He's moody, pensive, sullen... other times happy as a clam. I firmly believe he really doesn't enjoy his life very much and he lives for his next 'fix' to cope. When working he lives paycheck to paycheck and is usually spent by the weekend. Sometime's (when his wife has his son), he'll disappear for days... from his family and his job. That when he usually gets fired. Usually 3-6 months into the job. He was always wronged... he was always the best employee... it was always someone else's fault. The one thing he excels in is lying. He lies so much that he believes his own lies. He's most recent employer fired him for not showing up to work. The third time without calling in. He lied and told his friends and family that he was laid off due to the economy. Then unemployement denied his claim due to being fired. He filed an appeal still firmly believing he was laid off. He lost. Recently... prior to getting fired he was in a minor accident and was charged with a DWI. Now he is living with my parents and his son... unable to find a job (as a plumber), no drivers licensce... and no jobs withing walking distance. He is... in my opinion, unemployable.
I write this because my family has hit rock bottom. My parents are prisoners... they are in their late 60's, living on a fixed income with health issues. My brother breathes their air, eats their food, doesn't lift a finger to help them... unless threatened somehow. They feel that with their grandson living in the same house it's hard for them to do anything. My sister and I feel powerless. His ex-wife has washed her hands of him. We've all enabled him over the years... bailed him out of money situations... we've been repaid with angst, lies, disrespect, and apathy from him to fix his own problems. twice in the last two years my sister and I tried to organize a family intervention with professional. My parents were unable to cope with the idea that my brother has serious problems with addiction. They feel that all he needs is a good job to 'snap' out of this cycle of behavior. Even myself at times wonder if addiction is really his problem... maybe just coping is. He has't had any money to use and shows no recent signs of using. Instead he's just wallowing in depression. The only person who gazes up at him with pride and innocence is his son... they are inseperable... and we're afraid of the example he is learning from his father.
I really don't know what to do or where to start at this point. The holidays are coming up, and these are pretty unhappy times for my family. My brother's failures seem to be a big focal point. My family has hit complete bottom and my brother seems far from it.
What Do I Do?
UPDATE: 12/4/08
I've met again with an interventionist, and have discussed the possiblity of having a professional invervention with my parents. However I can't get my parents to commit. My father believes he just needs a job... my mother feels that rehab will be useless because my brother doesn't show signs of using (he has no unemployment and hasn't had money in months). They want him out of the house permanently.
It's frustating because they will make every excuse as to why they feel powerless to get my brother to leave, yet when I propose an intervention, with the family supporting rehab and a sober plan behind it, they can't wrap their hnds around it. "Who will pay for it?" "Where will he live after rehab?" "How do we make him commit". They enable him by allowing him to live in their house with no income... drive him to places he needs to be... provide food and shelter for his son... yet if he were to commit to rehab they would refuse him back into their home. I can't convince them otherwise. Any advice on where to start... or where to go from here?
I wasn't sure where to start or what forum to include this in... because I believe my brother uses drugs, alcohol, gambling on a semi-regular basis to cope with life. If I were to pinpoint a single vice that my brother uses I probably couldn't come up with it. He moves from job to job... with little advancement, is fired frequently, spents money like there is a hole in his pocket. and lives with my parents at age 36 with no signs of ever leaving. I'm just looking for some help... direction in how to deal with a persistant and painful situation.
My brother is our 'Black Sheep'... middle child, never graduated high school (has a GED)... started drinking at age 13... using drugs (pot mostly) after high school and never found his footing in life. He can't hold a job, (unless it requires little or no responsibility) and he effortlessly shirks his life and family responsibilities on a daily basis. For most of his life he has lived with my parents... when he was 25 he lived away for a year. My parents took him back to help him get on his feet. ... About 10 years ago he got married and moved in with his wife... that lasted three years and they had a son. Throughout the entire marriage he was in and out of work. His son is now 7 years old and they live together with my parents (grandparents) are supporting him. Again he is jobless.
My brother shows every subtle sign of being an addict... except you rarely catch him in the act. He's moody, pensive, sullen... other times happy as a clam. I firmly believe he really doesn't enjoy his life very much and he lives for his next 'fix' to cope. When working he lives paycheck to paycheck and is usually spent by the weekend. Sometime's (when his wife has his son), he'll disappear for days... from his family and his job. That when he usually gets fired. Usually 3-6 months into the job. He was always wronged... he was always the best employee... it was always someone else's fault. The one thing he excels in is lying. He lies so much that he believes his own lies. He's most recent employer fired him for not showing up to work. The third time without calling in. He lied and told his friends and family that he was laid off due to the economy. Then unemployement denied his claim due to being fired. He filed an appeal still firmly believing he was laid off. He lost. Recently... prior to getting fired he was in a minor accident and was charged with a DWI. Now he is living with my parents and his son... unable to find a job (as a plumber), no drivers licensce... and no jobs withing walking distance. He is... in my opinion, unemployable.
I write this because my family has hit rock bottom. My parents are prisoners... they are in their late 60's, living on a fixed income with health issues. My brother breathes their air, eats their food, doesn't lift a finger to help them... unless threatened somehow. They feel that with their grandson living in the same house it's hard for them to do anything. My sister and I feel powerless. His ex-wife has washed her hands of him. We've all enabled him over the years... bailed him out of money situations... we've been repaid with angst, lies, disrespect, and apathy from him to fix his own problems. twice in the last two years my sister and I tried to organize a family intervention with professional. My parents were unable to cope with the idea that my brother has serious problems with addiction. They feel that all he needs is a good job to 'snap' out of this cycle of behavior. Even myself at times wonder if addiction is really his problem... maybe just coping is. He has't had any money to use and shows no recent signs of using. Instead he's just wallowing in depression. The only person who gazes up at him with pride and innocence is his son... they are inseperable... and we're afraid of the example he is learning from his father.
I really don't know what to do or where to start at this point. The holidays are coming up, and these are pretty unhappy times for my family. My brother's failures seem to be a big focal point. My family has hit complete bottom and my brother seems far from it.
What Do I Do?
UPDATE: 12/4/08
I've met again with an interventionist, and have discussed the possiblity of having a professional invervention with my parents. However I can't get my parents to commit. My father believes he just needs a job... my mother feels that rehab will be useless because my brother doesn't show signs of using (he has no unemployment and hasn't had money in months). They want him out of the house permanently.
It's frustating because they will make every excuse as to why they feel powerless to get my brother to leave, yet when I propose an intervention, with the family supporting rehab and a sober plan behind it, they can't wrap their hnds around it. "Who will pay for it?" "Where will he live after rehab?" "How do we make him commit". They enable him by allowing him to live in their house with no income... drive him to places he needs to be... provide food and shelter for his son... yet if he were to commit to rehab they would refuse him back into their home. I can't convince them otherwise. Any advice on where to start... or where to go from here?
Last edited by goboy2112; 12-04-2008 at 09:25 AM.
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Originally Posted by goboy2112 
They enable him by allowing him to live in their house with no income... drive him to places he needs to be... provide food and shelter for his son... yet if he were to commit to rehab they would refuse him back into their home. I can't convince them otherwise. Any advice on where to start... or where to go from here?
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How frustrating for you. There isn't much you can do for your parents if they don't see what you see.
Is your nephew still living there? If so, can he go to his mother instead? That would at elast remove the child from the situation.
Is your nephew still living there? If so, can he go to his mother instead? That would at elast remove the child from the situation.
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I've often said to myself 'screw this intervention'... maybe my family can't handle it. maybe I just pick my brother up and take him to an AA meeting... yet that would accomplish nothing. My brother would continue to deny he has a problem.... and my parents would still have a warm dinner waiting for him at home.
The reality is that my parents need more counseling than my brother does. He's been able to live this lifestyle know my parents will never let him hit bottom.
The other frustrating part is my brother lies about any depenancy or abuse... you rarely catch him consuming. He's a master at deflection, distraction and lying. Still without a drug test or witness him under the influence it's hard to confront him.
The reality is that my parents need more counseling than my brother does. He's been able to live this lifestyle know my parents will never let him hit bottom.
The other frustrating part is my brother lies about any depenancy or abuse... you rarely catch him consuming. He's a master at deflection, distraction and lying. Still without a drug test or witness him under the influence it's hard to confront him.
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Well the sad truth is catching him or confronting him will probably not change a thing.... your parents ending the free ride would change something.. maybe for the good?
Well, good thing your nephew has a positive male role model in you. When he's older he'll put two and two together.
Well, good thing your nephew has a positive male role model in you. When he's older he'll put two and two together.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Im sorry for the havic you and your family are going thu , a good saying for this would be nuttin changes If nuttin Changes . If they wont help do the things needed to be done , Then nuttin will change , he will continue being there and live off them enabling him . If something changes he will be forced to change in some sort of way . like Jazzy said , youve gone way beyond the call of things . your in our prayers :praying
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
Well the sad truth is catching him or confronting him will probably not change a thing.... your parents ending the free ride would change something.. maybe for the good?
Well, good thing your nephew has a positive male role model in you. When he's older he'll put two and two together.
Well, good thing your nephew has a positive male role model in you. When he's older he'll put two and two together.
I don't know... the curious thing about my brother is that he works so hard at lying that when he's finally confronted with truth he usually cops to it. He will deny and deny until the evidence is produced. Then... like a weight is lifted he succumbs to the truth and consequences that come with it. There is an immense shell of pride he has on his exterior... meanwhile he's pretty unhappy underneath. He seems to tread this line where he's sober for weeks at a time and then succumbs to complete irresponsibility. When his life fall apart he will admit he made mistakes... however he doesn't admit that lifestyle choices got him there.
I think if we were able to confront him with prove (even in an intervention) he'd crack and comitt to getting help.
My nephew is a great kid and he is surrounded by family members that all show him some support. He's also very perceptive. At 6 he asked my brother why he still wore his old employee T-shirts when he didn't work there any more.
However there is the danger he is learning some bad habits from his dad... lying being one.
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There is a moment in the Ron Howard film "Parenthood" that always makes me weep. Steve Martin's character asks his father (Jason Robards) why he keeps bailing out the youngest son in the family, who is a get-rich-quick schemer being pursued by thugs for an old debt. The father acknowledges that the young man will never change, but adds, with resignation, "He's my son." I'm sure your parents are suffering deeply and know the score with your brother. But he is their son. We are hostage to our fears for our loved ones. I hope you can find some peace somehow. My prayers are with you.
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Originally Posted by Osakis
There is a moment in the Ron Howard film "Parenthood" that always makes me weep. Steve Martin's character asks his father (Jason Robards) why he keeps bailing out the youngest son in the family, who is a get-rich-quick schemer being pursued by thugs for an old debt. The father acknowledges that the young man will never change, but adds, with resignation, "He's my son." I'm sure your parents are suffering deeply and know the score with your brother. But he is their son. We are hostage to our fears for our loved ones. I hope you can find some peace somehow. My prayers are with you.
I've made the acceptance that my brother is a substance abuser, because at the center of every bad decision he has made, joint a beer or some illegal substance has been attached.
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"The other frustrating part is my brother lies about any depenancy or abuse... you rarely catch him consuming. He's a master at deflection, distraction and lying. Still without a drug test or witness him under the influence it's hard to confront him."
This is the problem i am dealing with. My gf's family has found tons of stuff- empty heroin bags, crack pipes, burnt spoons, but never actually catch her. she is a master manipulater and deceiver. plus her family is estranged. she lives w her dad and step mother. they know what is going on. her mother lives across the country and only gets the story that my gf tells her. i dont know if i should talk to her real mom and get involved, we havent been together very long and i only talked to her mom once. its so frustrating.
This is the problem i am dealing with. My gf's family has found tons of stuff- empty heroin bags, crack pipes, burnt spoons, but never actually catch her. she is a master manipulater and deceiver. plus her family is estranged. she lives w her dad and step mother. they know what is going on. her mother lives across the country and only gets the story that my gf tells her. i dont know if i should talk to her real mom and get involved, we havent been together very long and i only talked to her mom once. its so frustrating.
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I understand. this sounds a LOT like my brother- only he had a child , married out of wedlock at age 19 or 20. they divorced a year later. son is 8 now.
anyway, i always "knew" he had an addiction problem but although he also lived at home, he never was there using or drinking. (my parents didnt really keep alcohol at the house so that wouldve been weird). Anyway...
basically, what happens as they say (or atleast oprah says) when you ignore a whisper it comes back as a scream. Years later and 2 DUIs down the road... my brother is now in AA. he did it for himself, even with my parents enabling him. they enabled him the same way- paid for his car, gas, let him live there. he payed no rent or utilities.
things got worse before they got better. i wish i had better words or things i could offer, but i do relate and felt compelled to respond since my brother is one of my qualifiers. and because the story really parallels mine.
i feel for you and im sorry for all the chaos and hurt.
one thing i did do though, was that i moved out and i detached detached detached from my brother. how he treated my parents and how they enabled my brother did really hurt. the resentment i had towards them breached our relationship, and we later went to therapy. if i wasnt dealing with depression and my alkie XBF in therapy alone, wed still maybe be going.
anyway, i always "knew" he had an addiction problem but although he also lived at home, he never was there using or drinking. (my parents didnt really keep alcohol at the house so that wouldve been weird). Anyway...
basically, what happens as they say (or atleast oprah says) when you ignore a whisper it comes back as a scream. Years later and 2 DUIs down the road... my brother is now in AA. he did it for himself, even with my parents enabling him. they enabled him the same way- paid for his car, gas, let him live there. he payed no rent or utilities.
things got worse before they got better. i wish i had better words or things i could offer, but i do relate and felt compelled to respond since my brother is one of my qualifiers. and because the story really parallels mine.
i feel for you and im sorry for all the chaos and hurt.
one thing i did do though, was that i moved out and i detached detached detached from my brother. how he treated my parents and how they enabled my brother did really hurt. the resentment i had towards them breached our relationship, and we later went to therapy. if i wasnt dealing with depression and my alkie XBF in therapy alone, wed still maybe be going.
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