Franticwife

How's this for codie? Sometimes I WISH he would hit me, so I would have one final, definite reason to leave! But he only screams and rants and raves and accuses and criticizes and blames and throws things. And in the morning he can't remember a thing and the sweet, handsome, strong guy I love so much is sleeping peacefully beside me again.

Barbara52

Honey, that is abuse, plain and simple! You deserve soooo much more than that! Please explore why you think that is all you deserve in life and find a way to overcome whatever it may be. {hugs}


No, he's still the abusive drunk who has now forgotten all the damage he did while drunk.

Janitw

Man you guys have described my life so very entirely....I was very much in "love" with my XAH but I sure didn't like him much. He was nice to me but he was hateful to all the people I loved including the kids. I just couldn't understand him and his thought process....which of course now I understand that thats because he was insane....lol

Janitw

Live

Frankly, I would rather be hit than the ongoing emotional and psychological torture of verbal abuse.

My last relationship (serious) I was younger and very naive. He almost destroyed me with his verbal abuse. It took seeing a very good domestic counselor for me to be able to begin to sort things out, and many reminders from her when I would diminish things...it saved my life.

I now have a boundary, a vow with myself that I will let NO ONE disrespect me. And if you hit me at all, light or hard, I go on automatic pilot and dial 911.

If I gave in on my boundaries, if would effect my self-esteem, integrity and so much else within me, that it is unthinkable.

I also read ALOT!! ALOT!!

And took me time, slowly...actually two years to process it all and have it well and truly behind me.

Do know that should you stop complying, it will become more difficult, but it is as progressive as alcoholism and abuse and alcohol are two separate issues. That kept me stuck for a very long time.

Live

Two good books:

No Visible Wounds by Alice Walker
Why does He do that (I think that is close to the title) by Lundy Bancroft..the topmost expert on working with abusive men.

denny57

By the time that happens, you might be surprised the excuses you'd make. The sicker xAH got, so did I. I don't say this to urge you to get out, but just as a share of my experience. For example, shove you, shove you up against the wall, shove you so you fall down, take a fist to you, smack your face, etc. What constitutes a "hit?" Sounds bizarre, doesn't it?

Franticwife

Does sound bizarre, but I understand what you are saying. I just hope when the time comes I have the courage to see things for what they really are.

inahaze

I've lived with my dream for almost 13yrs. We dated for a year, it was awesome, that's the best word that comes to mind. Literally the day we arrived home from our honeymoon the hate started, but he always apologized. I always believed him.

I think now I stay because at times I can see that person and he's not nearly as bad as he used to be. I can't let myself be the way I used to be with him because he's not all of the person that was sold to me in the dating phase.

We split up for several months one time, it was such a relief to be free. A freedom I'd never known. I paniced though a few months into it, and went back......Only to leave again and come back again and leave again and yes come back again...

I think I should of had a funeral as well, it probably would of helped tremendously.

Janitw

Personally I liked the book that a friend gave me 3 years ago called: "How to get rid of him". I loaned the book out and who knows where it is today....shoot I can't even remember who wrote it...

TakingCharge999

There is no victimizer without the victim
I have learned that.

I am very sad for my loss of the dream but I also like to think that when he gets home drunk as hell, I am not there to listen his hurtful words.

There may be other girls. Not me anymore. I sincerely do not wish this hell of alcoholic verbal abuser/ daytime charming prince to ANYONE.

Cheers to all the ex codies for regaining their power, you are my example.

lovtolaff

Oh Amen Sister! No hurtful words, no looks of disgust, no snippy a$$ attitude - you know the drill.

You know what works for me sometimes? As soon as I get that "melancholy" feeling of "oh remember when...." (usually a thought of his "sweet" side) I follow that thought immediately with "yeah but, remember when...." (always a thought about his a$$hole/hurtful side).

prodigal

You can start on the path to seeing things for what they really are by getting into counseling and giving Al-Anon a try. Start learning about yourself first.

I believe I phrased it differently by using the word "bravery," but "courage" will work as a substitute in this particular case:

Courage is NOT the absence of fear; it is doing what is right and best for you IN SPITE of your fear.

It's possible you do see things the way they really are right now, but you don't have the necessary tools yet to assess the situation and then take the appropriate action.

I hope you begin your journey to take those steps. And if you ever decide to leave, it will be in spite of your fear ...

bluejupiter

I'm in pretty much the same boat with my EXABF. He immediately went to another woman which makes it even harder, but I keep telling my myself she can have him and all his drama, I know he doesn't love her and is just using her. I know how impossible he is to be with. But man, its tough to let go of that dream...