AW Holding Me Hostage
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Is the lease in your name alone? If so, you don't have to leave. You can have your wife forcibly removed. I had to do the same thing with my exAB. The rules may differ by state, so check with your sherrif's office first. That's what I did.
The sheriff's office advised me to send my boyfriend a registered letter (return receipt required) telling him he had 30 days to vacate the premises or I'd have him forcibly removed. When the 30-day period expired and he still hadn't vacated the premises, all I needed to do was to call the sheriff's office, show them a copy of the eviction notice along with a copy of the return receipt, and they would remove all his possessions from the home and evict him for me.
But things never got that far. My boyfriend finally realized that I was serious and he left before the 30-day period was up. It's important to do this legally, so your wife can't sue you for damages, so check the laws in your state.
Good luck.
The sheriff's office advised me to send my boyfriend a registered letter (return receipt required) telling him he had 30 days to vacate the premises or I'd have him forcibly removed. When the 30-day period expired and he still hadn't vacated the premises, all I needed to do was to call the sheriff's office, show them a copy of the eviction notice along with a copy of the return receipt, and they would remove all his possessions from the home and evict him for me.
But things never got that far. My boyfriend finally realized that I was serious and he left before the 30-day period was up. It's important to do this legally, so your wife can't sue you for damages, so check the laws in your state.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
Our names are both on the lease so this may pose a problem but I'll check. She states now that she is going to leave but who knows. Its a constant state of mind games. It would obviously be more convenient for me to stay in my own place for a million reasons. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just get another place and not give her the option of making me wait in anticipation. I'll check the laws though. Thanks for the input. I've just been not wanting to go to the police to avoid the embarrassment of having them come to my house and of course I don't want my wife to have legal problems. It's maybe what she needs though. I just need to seperate and she needs to understand she's where she is because of alcohol. I asked her today me or the bottle. She couldn't even answer me. It's so strange how sick one must be where alcohol is more important than their own family. I just wish she could see how sick she is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
You know I am amazed. With all that we have been through I flat out told my AW that I was leaving. So pick me or the alcohol. She told me she that she thinks she should be able to drink. I mean come on. The world is just crumbling around her. We've lost friends, family, money, dignity and the list goes on. I've sufered through verbal and physical violence. You name it. I have told her since she got out of rehab that she needs to maintain sobriety or not be with me. Yet she chooses alcohol? I've been a good person who has soldiered through right by her side and still.... I'm just floored. Something is so broken here. As I look for a new place to live and for legal advice it just blows my mind. How can someone be so sick and just live in complete and total denial? When will she ever see the light? Anyone know where I'm coming from?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I completely know where you are coming from. My ex was addicted to pain pills. It got to the point that he was using other things because money went missing. That was the last straw for me. I asked him to leave almost three months ago.
He is still living in complete denial that he has a problem. He went to treatment in mid Nov but I believe today he is back to using. The utter insanity of it all just boggles my mind.
When I asked him to leave I was very clear about why. He then told everyone that "we didnt get along".
The things that he did and said to me were just unbelievable. I couldnt believe how the man that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with could just walk away from his family.
The games that he is now playing are enough to send me off the deep end so be prepared to be manipulated once you do leave. But if you see it and can recognize what is happening you will be able to steer clear of the wave.....
I often wonder if he will ever see the light. I pray that he does but I am beginning to lose hope for that. Especially since he probably has relapsed.
He is still living in complete denial that he has a problem. He went to treatment in mid Nov but I believe today he is back to using. The utter insanity of it all just boggles my mind.
When I asked him to leave I was very clear about why. He then told everyone that "we didnt get along".
The things that he did and said to me were just unbelievable. I couldnt believe how the man that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with could just walk away from his family.
The games that he is now playing are enough to send me off the deep end so be prepared to be manipulated once you do leave. But if you see it and can recognize what is happening you will be able to steer clear of the wave.....
I often wonder if he will ever see the light. I pray that he does but I am beginning to lose hope for that. Especially since he probably has relapsed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My xAH refuses to admit he is an alcoholic. He has been unemployed 3+yrs now, lsot his relationship with his daughters, lost me, lost his house, is now living with his 87 YO mother and sponging off her. Yet nothing is his fault or responsibility. He has done nothing wrong. He is a victim of the world.
I stopped trying to figure out how he thinks. I have given him over to God and pray for him. That is all I can do. I hope and pray some day he can admit to his addiction and find recoery.
I stopped trying to figure out how he thinks. I have given him over to God and pray for him. That is all I can do. I hope and pray some day he can admit to his addiction and find recoery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
I copied this from a Sticky in the Friends and Families of Substance Abusers Forum. It is worth reading and rereading.
"What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
__________________"
"What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
__________________"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Denial is a powerful thing. My exah has lost his wife (me), his house, only sees his son two days a week, has been written up at work for drunk dialing his boss and he was sent for drug and alcohol testing on the job last week because he reeked of alcohol (he passed somehow). He was shocked and offended that that anyone could possibly think he, Mr. Perfect, could be under the influence! I could go on and on describing the ways that alcoholism has adversely affected his (and our) lives. In his mind everyone else is the problem, he is just a "normal guy" who "likes to have a few beers".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Faith, I feel for you. I think we all do.
For me, it seems easier if I approach the situation as a "business transaction". Take the emotion out of it. (yes, it is hard). But you can do it.
From a business perspective, would you allow someone to treat you like this? Probably not. So, if you were at work, what would you do? Get their name off the lease? Find a new place for yourself?
Whatever it is, you can do it.
We are all here for you. We've all been there. Yes, it sucks. But you can get through it.
You are strong. You will survive.
Best wishes and hug,
S
For me, it seems easier if I approach the situation as a "business transaction". Take the emotion out of it. (yes, it is hard). But you can do it.
From a business perspective, would you allow someone to treat you like this? Probably not. So, if you were at work, what would you do? Get their name off the lease? Find a new place for yourself?
Whatever it is, you can do it.
We are all here for you. We've all been there. Yes, it sucks. But you can get through it.
You are strong. You will survive.
Best wishes and hug,
S
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Alcoholics always seem to be able to turn things around. If it's black, they will swear it's white. If it's small, they will swear it's gigantic. If you try to help them, they'll throw it in your face how it's YOUR fault that such-and-such happened. They are the victims. Their loved ones who endure the madness are always the evil-doers. The story is always the same. Sometimes it amazes me how the details may be a little different but the theme is so similar.
Find your peace. Do whatever you need to do for yourself to find serenity. It's worth it.
gentle hugs
Find your peace. Do whatever you need to do for yourself to find serenity. It's worth it.
gentle hugs
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi faith,
Thank you a lot for sharing your story.
Before, I was sad because the XAHB got the supernice house we looked for for weeks, flashing his new car and a lot of nice stuff.... and it hurt to lose them but I was able to move to a girl friend's flat, and while it has nothing to do with what we had, this is where I have been able to find a little peace. No places or objects have more value than this and as they said before, the logistics are easy, what is difficult is to move on for real and not fall for the trap once again.. I am very sorry this woman is so troubled and affecting you. Thankfully YOU are able to move on.. move on in reality, in this world. You sound very determined to do so so I am sure you will be able to, just take it one step at a time, soon things will be better for you, and not because its wishful thinking, its because you are taking the steps needed to reach that place.
Hugs to you
Thank you a lot for sharing your story.
Before, I was sad because the XAHB got the supernice house we looked for for weeks, flashing his new car and a lot of nice stuff.... and it hurt to lose them but I was able to move to a girl friend's flat, and while it has nothing to do with what we had, this is where I have been able to find a little peace. No places or objects have more value than this and as they said before, the logistics are easy, what is difficult is to move on for real and not fall for the trap once again.. I am very sorry this woman is so troubled and affecting you. Thankfully YOU are able to move on.. move on in reality, in this world. You sound very determined to do so so I am sure you will be able to, just take it one step at a time, soon things will be better for you, and not because its wishful thinking, its because you are taking the steps needed to reach that place.
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
We all understand how you feel, we've all gone through this
When I "walked away" I didn't do it "because of her" I did it "for me"
In my opinion one option was healthy and took personal responsibility for myself, my actions, and what I wanted from life and what I was willing to choose as "acceptable" or even "normal".
The other option was full of blame and finger pointing and left me "sicker then a dog" for a long time.
Not to say I didn't bounce back and forth between the two after I left, but it helped me to think that way, to come back to this being a decision I made for me.
Practicing alcoholics will always choose alcohol over EVERYTHING else because they can't imagine life without alcohol, it's literally "incomprehensible" they lose children, jobs, relationships, and literally never see the cause and effect between their drinking and the consequences until they go into "recovery", not stop drinking, (nothing worse then an alcoholic that's not drinking with no program phew) but go into the "causes and conditions" in which case they are no longer "practicing alcoholics" but I digress.
Anyhow, I found it best to even use "fair fighting" techniques during the break up and even in the subsequent conversations that took place with her only in my mind.
"I feel ________"
Keeping the focus on me was healthy, it really was, super difficult, but it made it an easier, faster, healthier process.
"Blaming" an alcoholic for drinking and all of the behaviors is no different then blaming someone with borderline personality disorder, they are both sick, when I moved away from blaming I could move into the important questions like "How can I protect myself from this person?" and "How can I take care of myself?" and shortly thereafter to realizing she was in fact just a very sick individual and asking myself "could I forgive her so I can let go and move on", questions I wouldn't have time for if I spent all my time "smearing" her and being angry.
I guess my point is I needed to be angry in order to leave but in short order my anger became a club I used to beat myself up with, so I had to lose it ASAP once I had moved on.
I can't really see myself years from now still droning on and on about her you know? I left her to leave her behind not carry her with me, and I saw that until I "let go" we were "still together" in a very real way except it wasn't her "dragging me down" any more, it was me.
Good luck, I know it's difficult.
When I "walked away" I didn't do it "because of her" I did it "for me"
In my opinion one option was healthy and took personal responsibility for myself, my actions, and what I wanted from life and what I was willing to choose as "acceptable" or even "normal".
The other option was full of blame and finger pointing and left me "sicker then a dog" for a long time.
Not to say I didn't bounce back and forth between the two after I left, but it helped me to think that way, to come back to this being a decision I made for me.
Practicing alcoholics will always choose alcohol over EVERYTHING else because they can't imagine life without alcohol, it's literally "incomprehensible" they lose children, jobs, relationships, and literally never see the cause and effect between their drinking and the consequences until they go into "recovery", not stop drinking, (nothing worse then an alcoholic that's not drinking with no program phew) but go into the "causes and conditions" in which case they are no longer "practicing alcoholics" but I digress.
Anyhow, I found it best to even use "fair fighting" techniques during the break up and even in the subsequent conversations that took place with her only in my mind.
"I feel ________"
Keeping the focus on me was healthy, it really was, super difficult, but it made it an easier, faster, healthier process.
"Blaming" an alcoholic for drinking and all of the behaviors is no different then blaming someone with borderline personality disorder, they are both sick, when I moved away from blaming I could move into the important questions like "How can I protect myself from this person?" and "How can I take care of myself?" and shortly thereafter to realizing she was in fact just a very sick individual and asking myself "could I forgive her so I can let go and move on", questions I wouldn't have time for if I spent all my time "smearing" her and being angry.
I guess my point is I needed to be angry in order to leave but in short order my anger became a club I used to beat myself up with, so I had to lose it ASAP once I had moved on.
I can't really see myself years from now still droning on and on about her you know? I left her to leave her behind not carry her with me, and I saw that until I "let go" we were "still together" in a very real way except it wasn't her "dragging me down" any more, it was me.
Good luck, I know it's difficult.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
