Startingover2

If you don't remember I turned in my exAH for drunk driving back in July. I requested to be anonymous but it came out to exAH's attorney. Exah never said a word if he knew it was me or not. He was sentenced on Tuesday and has lost his license, fines, penalties etc. He has to walk here to see baby.

I just got the following text from his daughter14:

"Do you have any idea how much pain you are causing my family. The things you are making my dad go through. Taking all of his money that you really don't need and try and make him lose his job, lose his license for NINE MONTHS because of something stupid you did. And trying to take baby away from us. If you are trying to make everyone in my life miserable you are doing a damn good job. I used to have respect for you as my stepmom but just look at the impression you are leaving on us now. I hope you have a nice life knowing that you are ruining ours."

WTF! How did I ruin their lives? EXAH chose to drink and drive all the time. I stood in between EXAH and his kids so many times so he wouldn't drive with them! Now I am getting blamed for his consequences. The text didn't sound like she wrote it...more like someone else telling her what to write.

I have not responded nor do I think I should. I am shaking. I have been getting blocked calls all night as well.

What should I say or do? How soon they forget all the things he has done and are now looking at him as a victim. Do I fess up or keep ignoring them?

Help please!

ToughChoices

Breathe deep - with a clear conscience.

You are not ruining anyone's life. You know that. You have taken steps to protect yourself, your daughter, and your X's children - not to mention all of the untold innocent drivers who would have been subject to his drunk driving.

When I was a teenager my father could do no wrong (my mother could do no right!), so I can empathize with the daughter - she sees her father hurting and wants to believe that someone else is responsible for that pain.
It would be so painful to face the truth of her father's irresponsibility.

Someday she will probably face that truth.
Until then, the blame must be placed elsewhere. I am sorry that you are the recipient.

Keep your chin up. You needn't respond to the text, but if you're interested in speaking with her you could say something like, "It sounds like you're upset - if you ever want to talk, I'm available."

Kudos to you for handling a difficult situation with delicacy.
The truth is hard to swallow sometimes.

-TC

prodigal

Ignore, ignore, ignore. I believe your suspicions may be correct ... I don't think a 14-year-old girl, who I am sure is aware of her father's drinking problem, posted that all by herself. She may not have written it at all, for all you know.

Yes, I REALIZE how frustrating it is to have people deny the reality of what is. But you have got to blow them off. Their reality is skewed. People are gonna believe what they choose to believe.

I've lived through this myself. I've had people suddenly start giving me the cold shoulder, only to find out that AH was spreading tall tales about me. The only thing that has ALWAYS made me wonder is this: Why just believe hearsay from somebody? Why not check it out with the person whose name is being dragged through the dirt.

YOU know you did not ruin their lives. YOU know you did the right thing. As hard as it is to let this go - and believe me, I've had to let some of the same sort of stufff go - please let it go for your own sake.

If they decide to cold-shoulder you and hold a grudge, that's their choice. Don't look to them for validation. If they want to side with a man who was driving drunk, then that's their right. It may be wrong, but it IS their right.

And I'm sure there are plenty of people who support you in what you did.

Thanks2HP

Sorry to hear about your situation. For what it's worth I believe you did the right thing.

I hope you find a way to deal with all that is going on. "This to shall pass" is what comes to mind.

-R

CatsPajamas

I went thru a lot of this yrs ago with step daughters. They were pretty self righteous and got incredibly involved in stuff between their dad and mom and me (step mom) that was really none of their business. On their best day, teenage girls are a volatile mix of hormones and attitude. It was a lot easier for them to spew their frustration at me than to admit that either of their bio parents was less than perfect.

What worked for me was to rise above. I chose to not engage in those conversations that were unnecessary and were usually a lose-lose scenario. It died out pretty quickly as they lost interest when I wouldn't take the bait and get into a cat fight.

Good luck. There's a special place in heaven for step moms.....

Cats

Barbara52

Same for me. I resolved when I left xAH to act within my personal rules for integrity. I did pretty well with a few minor slip ups. And long term, that is the right path for me. I have even received some comments from folks that they were impressed that I never lowered myself to xAH's level or responded to the trash his daughters spread.

People will do what they will do. It's theirs to own. I believe that as long as I know I am acting with integrity and personal responsibility, the actions/thoughts/slurs of others are not my concern. THey ahve their own path to take.

You did what you knew to be right for you. That is all that counts. You owe no explanation or justification forthose who cannot see things the way you do.

Startingover2

Thanks you all. This has truly upset me. I don't believe it was solely written by sd. Either her mother who uses exah as a taxi or OW. I am sure there are more ramifications coming my way.

EXAH's ex inlaws have protected him for years. They knew he drank and drove all the time and they think that yelling and screaming works. Now he is playing the victim. I am so glad I have the custody papers in place right now. I am sure they will help him in the future try and get unsupervised time with baby.

This whole thing makes me sick.

Barbara52

Try to deal with "what is" not with the "what might be." If and when something comes up will be the time to deal with it. You will only make yourself sick (as you said) if you worrying about what might happen in the future.

Still Waters

Yes yes yes. I have a hard time with this also, I constantly worry about the "what ifs".

Freedom1990

I can't add any more to what has already been said here. :ghug :ghug

justjo

Startingover, just know that you have done the most responsible thing that you could have done.
Many excuses are used for an addicts behaviours but one thing I wont tolerate is watching a drink driver. My brother who had been drinking killed his girlfriend many years ago wrapped around a stoby pole on the side of the road.
I guess with children or rather teenagers their biggest fear is what they will loose out of all of this and they dont want their parents to be in any trouble. They protect for as long as they can. The day will come though!
For the moment, I would probably acknowledge her by just saying - that I understand she is hurting and upset but as a adult I can not watch your father put his and others lives in danger. She probably wont understand the why's right now but I think deep down she knows.
I know its a hard time for you right now, but it has been done and people make their own choices at the end of the day.
Hugs Jo

Stubborn1

Stick to your guns. I personally never turned my ah in when he drank and drove so I can't help there. Brush yourself off and let them take care of him if that's what they want to do. I'm not sure if you did it in spite, if so that's something you need to work on for yourself. Keep your side of the street clean. Change your number.

FormerDoormat

I'm going to borrow a line I learned from my pal, Denny.

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

I know I'm a good person. I know I always try to do the right thing. I don't intentionally hurt others. And most importantly, I don't let other folks' view of me change the way I view myself.

Rainbowgirl128

I think responding would probably just ignite the situation...since that accusatory text is obviously looking for a fight. You did the right thing by calling the cops. You protected innocent people on the road. If your ex's daughter thinks that having a little less money and her father's liscence revoked is as bad as it gets, she is so wrong. If someone repeatedly drives drunk, they will hurt themselves or other people. So he was headed for the hospital or jail anyways. If anything, she should be thanking you for preventing something worse from happening. People tend to dwell on the negative and alcoholics always like to be the victims. It sounds like he is talking through her. I would ignore it. But know you did the right thing.

gerryP

I think you did the right thing Startingover in letting the police know he was drinking and driving. You are probably in a no win situation with your step daughter but try not to take it on as a personal slight. They just see it as something you have done against their Dad. I'm sorry for YOU. He has put his whole family in danger by driving while under the influence by putting himself in a position where he could have killed someone else and ended up in jail for a very long time, leaving his family fatherless. He put himself in a position to have killed himself, again leaving his family fatherless. You did the right thing, don't question that.

Someone commented on whether you might of done this in spite. i am flabergasted at the suggestion. Even... if that was ever to be part of a reason someone was to alert police of someone drinking and driving, punishable by law, it is certainly NOT appropriate to suggest that it is something you have to look at as you having any part in his losing his license. No, your exah lost his license because he was drunk and operating a vehicle. Kudos to you, you may be responsible for someone still being alive because of your action.

That said I am sorry for you my dear. i can imagine what a strain this has been on you on many levels. best wishes to you.

Startingover2

This has been a strain.

Spite? No, it was more fear and frustration that AH was drinking and driving no matter what anyone said. I and the people that are now blaming me begged, pleaded, screamed, yelled and made empty threats to AH. Nothing worked. He drove all the time this way and not just a bit drunk....the night he was arrested he blew a .22! I had enough and knew he needed to be stopped before something tragic happens.

I have been on pins and needles since July wondering if it was going to come out. Exah hasn't said a word to me. I think he knows how he was and the pain he was causing those of us he lived with and saw him like this day in and day out. Yes, I secretly think he is mad at me but understands why I did it too. The others he can play victim and get the sympathy and manipulation he needs.

I knew once I made that call it was going to change things forever. I knew the risk I was taking. But I had to. Nobody else was going to and Exah was not stopping..just getting worse by the day.

gerryP

Yep, it's not always about doing what feels better, but doing what is right.

Years ago, i was at a friend's Christmas party and they suggested that I not drive. I told them in true alcoholic form that I was fine, that I was tired and I hadn't eaten much all day. About 2 km from their home i was pulled over by the police. It wasn't a spot check, they came up from behind with the siren on and lights flashing. My friend had called the police with my license plate number. When I was leaving, I thought isn't that nice that her husband is also standing at the door watch me get in the car and leave. WRONG. Anyway, it all worked out for the best because I didn't kill anyone and I never drove after drinking again. I continued to drink copious amounts, but I never drove.

I couldn't believe that my friends did that to me, which is how I saw it at the time. It WAS their responsibility and duty to call me in to the police. If your Xah finds out that it was you...well, he finds out. you were doing what was right, not easy. if he doesn't find out, he may always wonder. In any case he would be better off using his time wondering about his drinking problem and the solution to that.

Don't you worry about it Startingover, Take care of yourself. it will be difficult on you emotionally for awhile until all of it get sorted out with time, but it will get sorted out and keep moving in the direction you are. I know too that it's very painful when you make a decision to do something because you know you are done and there isn't any turning back on it and you know that, even if you wanted to. Somethings are just over and it's time to move on.

Take a deep breath and look forward to things getting smoother and to a new life for yourself.

Best Wishes.

CatsPajamas

I've shared this before, but I will share it again.

There was a group of us (maybe 6 or 8) who remained friends long after we all got laid off from a particular company. One woman was the host of all the good parties. There was always great food, good music etc as more than one of the people was a talented musician/singer. A few were HEAVY drinkers, and a few did some serious drugs. One guy is still missing, has been for about 5 yrs. He tried to get clean and sober, but the addiction won and one day he just disappeared. No one knows if he's even still alive. He left behind a 9 yr old son.

The other big partier was a woman. She's the one we always worried about, and most times we had to wrestle the keys away from her. She liked to drink and she loved her pot.

J was driving her little sports car out to visit some friends this past July. She had the top down and was most likely singing at the top of her lungs. She'd had a little smoke before she left, and (probably more than) a few drinks. She came over the top of a hill about 10 pm, on the wrong side of the center line. She hit a motorcyclist head on and killed them both. The friends she was supposed to be meeting called the sheriff's department when she didn't arrive. My friends were the ones who discovered the accident and the 2 bodies, one on each side of the highway. It's something they will never, ever forget.

NONE of us was surprised when we found out. I talked to many of our mutual friends, and most said they were wondering how long it would be before she killed someone. It's been over 4 months and I'm just about to the place where I can grieve her death. SO far I've just been angry with her for being so terribly irresponsible. She killed a man because of her bad choices.

Did you do the right thing? It's still your decision to make. Me? I will call every single time if I think I can save someone's life.

Actions & choices = consequences. It's really that simple.

Hugs
Cats

gerryP

Wow Cat's your story has left me with shivers.

Startingover, if your Xah had killed someone....this story would have had a different ending that would have gravely affected everyone he knew, past, and present and the family of someone he might have killed. this would have been for life. It doesn't matter how he got caught, he got caught extremely over the limit.

He has a chance if he choses to see it as an opportunity to get himself cleaned up and save himself. Instead of looking at it as something you could be in trouble over if he finds out, keep reminding yourself that you gave him the greatest gift of all. This was not something that put the final detail on the end of your relationship with him, it was a last gift to him, in hopes he will get better for himself and his children. The choice is now his.

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

inahaze

Been there, I told my AH if I EVER caught him driving drunk again that I was going to call the police. I would always be so upset when I found out he'd done it, but I never did anything. The last time he did it I said I would call hte police myself!!!!! NO if's, and's or but's about it.

He tested me one night, he'd been drinking and wanted to go for more. I refused and he said he was going anyway. I said fine, as soon as you hit the pavement I'm calling the cops and they'll get you on the way there. He stayed in that night and I felt good about it.