justsomegirl

I am very fortunate in the way that I have many great friends and family that I can rely on for anything. At any given time there is someone I can count on ( at any given time it is not my husband ) whether it be for moral support or just to let off some steam or some company. Although I know this I still feel very lonely. I think its more of a relationship type lonely though. I keep telling myself that my husband doesn't really have anyone he can rely on unconditionally and I feel sad for him and I think that since I have so many people in my life that are solid for me, then I should stay around to be that person for him. Someone that will stick it out and not let him down ahas happened so often in his past (mainly his parents) While he does have friends they are all married with children and he is not there main oncern, alot of his "buddies" are around just to party. Anyways, As often is the case I am at home by myself. Tonight I went for groceries and I was actually jelous of couples I saw grocery shopping together. I would love to be with someone who would go grocery shopping with me. Im not really sure what the point of my post is, I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself and am looking for some comfort. He is working on getting better , although its on his terms, but I don't know if it is enough anymore. I dont know how much longer I can live like this. Pity party time~~

Barbara52

In other words, stay with him because you don't think he's really an adult capable of being an adult? Stay with him out of pity? At least that is what your words say to me.

So when do you get to live the life you want and deserve?

coyote21

I know I've said this before on this board, but the loneliest I believe I've ever felt was when my wasted AW was sitting across from me on our back porch.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

dsg30

Wow- what you just wrote is exactly how I feel. My husband as no one but me...which is a lot of pressure. I am everything to him which makes this situation even harder. I too find myself looking at other couples and wishing we could be "normal" like that. You are not alone....

prodigal

In other words, if I understand you correctly, you are saying that you do not figure into his equation of getting better. How is he working on getting better, and what exactly is he doing now that is better than before?

Lotus2008

what justsomegirl described sounds a lot like my relationship. I'm not so sure she meant staying with him out of pity... but maybe rather staying with him because she loves him and wants him to realize that there are people out there that REALLY care about him and won't let him down (abandon him) like people have in the past?! I guess I have to learn the hard way but I think part of me is still hoping that by showing him unconditional love he is able to get out of the rut he's in, will be able to love himself and realize that he has the strength to quit drinking.

I shouldn't try justifying though! Barbara - what you said is so true... "when do you get to live the life you want and deserve?" We all make so many sacrifices in staying with the a bf or h... and are not getting what we deserve!

justsomegirl... I know what it's like seeing a couple doing "normal" things togehter and wishing that could be me and my bf. I think we all make excuses for our a partners, because otherwise we wouldn't stay with them as long as we do. I'm sure you will get to the point when you know it's time for you to leave if things don't change... I know I will (at some point)!

prodigal

I wish showing unconditional love would get an A to realize there is someone standing beside them to lend support. It's a terrible disease, and an equal opportunity destroyer.

You can't love someone enough to make them love themselves. You can't love someone enough that they will have that ah-ha moment when they wake up to the reality that they are mired in addiction. It is tragic, but it's true.

I could love my AH by sacrificing my life for him, and it STILL would not be enough. Enough is never enough. When someone is suffering from lack of self-esteem, self-respect, and drowning their pain in booze and/or drugs, I just don't think they can see that we love them.

freeflower

8 years ago after 2 duis and a jail stint and our first real seperation, we roconciled. He vowed to never hurt me again and our favorite thing to do was go grocery shopping together and than out to eat. It was the best time we ever had together and I would have bet the farm that it would stay that way....now I'm out for good. He started again a few months later, secretly of course LOL. And coyote, the lonliest I ever felt too was sitting across from him on the couch while he was trashed and trying so hard not to let me see it. We'd sit in silence with me crying inside till he'd finally pass out and I'd sneak off to bed alone.Sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!Sorry off on my own pity party

Barbara52

I tried that too. More than half my marriage was spent hoping my love would change him. It didn't. If loving someone was enough, there would be no need for this place.

justsomegirl

Exactly Lotus! Its so hard when he keeps saying he is trying to change and asks for my pactience (for some reason I can't spell that word today) to bear with him. I have seen him make changes in recent months. He quit smoking weed almost cold turkey which is huge for him. To be honest I thought he would be able to quit drinking before the weed, but he finally realized how the weed no longer gave him the feeling he thought it was, that it was actually bringing him down and not up. So I know he can do it. He smoked weed joints like they were cigarrettes and just as often. It was a HUGE financial burden on top of everything else that comes with it. As for the beer, he has curbed his drinking a bit, but he thinks he hasn't "drank" all week if he only actually gets wasted one night but still drinks the rest of the days. Or if he has a few at his buddies but doesnt get wrecked for a change, he thinks that is "not" drinking.
Everything everyone said is so true. Sometimes I wished that I honestly didn't care a bit about him. Sometimes I want to feel selfish and do what I want.

ToughChoices

I was raised to believe that placing my needs above another person's was selfish and sinful. That kind of thinking made it VERY difficult for me to assert my needs and take care of myself when alcoholism took over my husband's soul.

He needed so much understanding.
He needed so much patience.

And because he needed it, I tried to give it to him. For a long time.

But it killed my spirit to give and give and give and give - without knowing if that giving would ever bring ME what I wanted.

Today I embrace my needs. I enjoy taking care of myself. I'm not ashamed of my selfishness - (I've found that, usually if someone is calling me selfish, it's my AH, and it's cause I'm not doing what he wants me to.)

What do you want to do?
He's sure taking care of his needs - you can't do wrong by taking care of your own.

-TC

spooner

I have always said that I have been alone for along time but never really been alone until I kicked AH out of the house.

CNMC2C

Alone is exactly how I felt when I would be sitting out on the back patio across from my EXABF while he was trying to hide that he was drinking/drunk by putting his vodka in water bottles. Loneliest feeling that I think I have ever experienced in my life. Now that I have and am moving on without him in my life, I actually get to enjoy my patio moments alone, in peace , and appreciate them fully.

prodigal

After reading your most recent post, and in response to your question as to whether or not you are making excuses to stay: YES.

Live

thank you button to each of you!

I nearly always learn or re-learn something from everyone!

live

MissFixit

JSG,

It is a hard realization to make.

My A used the guilt/pity thing as he is basically an only child and his parents are dead. Our friends are married with kids, but he never took the steps needed to get to the sober healthy place despite saying he wanted that. He used the "you are my only family" thing to manipulate me into accepting his drinking, which I never did. He found a new girlfriend/fiance to drink with. It hurts like hell, but HIS behavior hasn't changed and I would bet a million dollars that he is telling her the same things he told me.

Please consider that guilt as perhaps a subtle form of manipulating you.

Barbara52

Absolutely! I know I told myself that for a while. After I stuppoed I also saw it as thinking I was some all powerful being who could work wonders on another person. I've put away the Woner Woman outfit now.

beaglebaby

Did you and your ex have a normal relationship though? Was he really the guy that kept you company at the grocery store as an engaging, loving partner?

Asking because when I really let myself assess our history honestly -- there were so many times that we didn't go places and didn't do things because I was afraid of his behavior or what he would say -- that we really became pretty isolated.

I think I was jealous of those other couples at the grocery when I was WITH my ex, because he really wasn't there for me.

Now I'm single and optomistic. Looking forward to recovery and [someday] finding a man who will be that true partner.

Maybe you never allowed yourself to realize everything you had already bottled up, compromised, and gave up...

cassandra2

I have to ask this all to common question. What about you? What about having the same person you are to him for yourself. Flip the tables here. What about your needs?

If a partner is not capable, either because of addiction or just immaturity, of giving you back the SAME kind of love and respect that you are giving them its NO LONGER a partnership. However you want to look at it. One thing that made my relationship with my ex so great was that we were equal partners. We wanted the same thing from each other and received it. When you are equal in a relationship there is no feelings of being lonely, depressed, angry, sad, brokenhearted. Those are not healthy feelings you should have in a relationship.

Things began to become unbearable in my relationship because we were no longer equal. I became very needy when I noticed he wasnt there for me the way he used to be (before the addiction). That neediness turns ugly and anger shows up along with resentment. So to me all of those feelings were unhealthy and it got to the point where I was giving more then receiving anything back.


Since addictions are so all consuming for the addict, he has nothing to give you. Nothing at all. So where are you at with that? This is the path you will be on until you make a choice of what is tolerable and intolerable.

These are just my opinions but I have found that the more he took from my life the easier it was to walk away. Sometimes that is the best thing to do.