veryrestless722

im doing good with the no contact and accepting the end of my marriage, even though i seen online last night where my husband was arrested, which i kinda already knew why but i did call and ask him exactly what he did, course he was shocked i knew and then mad that i was "looking him up" but he admited he was trying to steal beer from walmart and got caught, he got petty larceny 1st offense and was released the next day on probation, i dont understand that unless he bonded hisself out but i dont know where he woudl have gotten the money but anyways he was just mad at me for not answering my phone anymore and said why are you calling me its not like you care yada yada i simply told him i did care but i wasnt going to be apart of his life anymore unless he gets sober and i accept the end of us but you need to do it for your son, he tries to play mind games and says well there are only two people i care about in this world and one is my son, then he just gets quiet , im like i know the other aint me so who is it, he finally says myself maybe, im just like please, his mind games dont work anymore and he thinks by me calling him that im still on that string, but hes yet to realize that im done with it, i told him i cant witness his downward sprial and i refuse to ever help him anymore, and the idiot was out driving drunk i keep expecting a call tellin me hes dead but anyways i actually do have a question i just always get to rambling

most alcoholics, especially my husband blame i would say their spouse usually for everythign wrong in their life, my husband probably thinks its my fault if it rains lol but i swear in his head he just looks at me as the blame for everythign and has this weird resentment of me, so i was wondering if they ever get sober and actually recover do they still hold that resentment and do they still blame you or by getting sober do they realize that whoever they are blaming isnt really to blame at all and everything they did was their own fault? i mean it doesnt really matter to me anymore that he blames me, i kinda think its funny to a point how im to blame for everything but i just wonder if thats just part of the addiction and becoming sober makes them realize and see things differently, that question always nags at me, cause i dont know anyone who ever got sober so i have nothing to compare it to, to me its like a man who beats his wife and tells her its her own fault that he has to beat her it just makes no sense, im just curious if my husband will go to his grave blaming me even if hes sober??

GiveLove

No, likely there will be a string of people who are to blame.

None of them will be him, though. It will always be someone else, if he continues on the track he's on. Seems like he is. Stealing beer from Walmart? So he had money for bail but not for beer? Cheeeze, what a loser.

Instead: How's your new life going? How about writing us two paragaphs about your beautiful new baby and your plans for him rather than more stories about your XAH, who we already know all about? He's gonna do what he's gonna do; let's hear what wonderful stuff you are going to do with your little man Benjamin as he grows up.

:ghug3

denny57

What I focus on today is going to MY grave knowing I led a fulfilling life, free of feeling responsible for someone else's addiction. I could not care less if xAH is still blaming me on his deathbed.

veryrestless722

well its not really about my X so much as i was just curious, and i dont know if he bonded hisself out i dont know much about the jail system i dont know if you can get out without paying cause it said probation and not bond

im actually in a whole different place with my life now and feel really good about my choices and other than being tired 24-7 im doing great, ill soon be back to work and can provide my baby with all he needs since the little runt goes through a million diapers a day , it goes without saying that im doing everything for my son and am really enjoying having him in my life now but i figured since this was a board for families and friends of alcoholics that no one wants to hear my stories about my baby lol
belive me im actually very relieved i dont have to deal with my xah anymore and i just have so many plans that i want to get started on very soon but i was simply curious and i still worry about him but it doesnt run my life like it once did but i really want to know if the blame is real or just part of the addiction talking, i have a sick sense of humor and can picture my xah on his death bed blaming me for everything but i would like to know just in general if addicts ever change their blame game when they are sober

i guess i should have separated the posts in two cause i really am just wanting more info on addiction behaviour but i wrote also bout my x cause i try to push everything together cause as soon as i get to doing something my alarm starts crying lol just like now im typing one handed and feeding him lol

nobody believes me when i say im done dealing with him and am doing better but i guess time will prove it to everyone

denny57

I would love to hear about your baby :-)

I'm reminded of a story xAH told me. His grandfather (abusive alcoholic) was on his deathbed. xAH's grandmother was there trying to comfort him. Near the end she said to him "I love you, D." He pulled her down and his last words to her were "I hate you."

I understand the curiosity - I had it, too. Today I don't and am much happier for it.

Enjoy Benjamin and keep posting!

prodigal

My curiosity was finally satisfied when I got tired of trying to make sense of nonsense. Even when an A with over 25 years of recovery explained things to me, it didn't completely compute. Why? Because I'm not an A.

However, if anyone wants to discuss codependency, I can certainly explain that. There are a lot of things that happen to us in life that have no answers. And I found for myself that when I quit trying to figure out other people's addictions, behavioral issues, problems, quirks, and habits, I was far happier. Even if I knew what made other people "tick" I don't think the knowledge would further my own recovery.

prairiegirl

I have heard that when someone gets sober, it depends on them and if they decide to work on themselves, as to whether they come to understand the damage the addiction has done to their loved ones. If they get counselling and/or work a program, then they will come to realize that their behaviour of blaming their spouse and everyone else was part of the addiction and possibly admit that. Only if they are truly honest with themselves will they realize they put the blame for everything on you instead of taking responsibility for the chaos they caused.

I have asked that question many times over in my head also. It's like the only crime we commit is wanting them to get sober and be healthy and happy and live productive lives, so we can have a normal relationship. But instead we get blamed for everything that goes wrong in their lives. They want us to do everything for them and yet they resent us at the same time for the very fact they are dependant on us. It's a no-win situation.

I guess the answer is that we'll never know unless they get sober and we can't put our lives on hold waiting for that day to come.

veryrestless722

man denny that story is cold! i could so picture that though, some people are forever cruel

prodigal- i get the whole co-dependancy thing, i hate it and know its a constant battle not to fall back into those patterns, i always want to fix people or expect things they cant give me, i guess im just curious by nature i always want a reason for everything, things nag at me until i have a reason for them, alot of my reasons for wanting to understand more about the addictions all stem from my son, ive read alcoholism is genetic, so i want to be fully prepared and know everything i can on addicition for when my son is older, i know that knowing all the answers to other people isnt going to help in my own recovery, i guess its my ocd, i have to know everything lol

i guess now thinking about it, there really is no answer to my question, i guess every addict is different and really thinking about it, my sister isnt an alcoholic or doesnt have any addictions and everything in her life is someone elses fault lol , maybe that is just some peoples personality...

i think im doing good in my recovery, my mom has always said from the begining that one day i will just get mad enough or just get so tired of it that ill just be done with it, i never thought that time would come but it did, i think my son has alot to do with it and just wanting a new life, i feel like i can do so much now without my xah's baggage holding me back, i think even if he got sober that i dont know that i would take him back, i kinda like being single and not dealing with nobody else, marriage is alot of work and i dont want to be tied down anymore, i think i got married too young, i want to just focus on me and my baby, maybe that is selfish but its high time i become that way and quit worrying about others so much

my baby is doing fine, his umbilical cord fell off, thank god i hate those nasty little things, i got his WIC started today, which im thankful cause hes eating like crazy, hes being bad tonight so i have a feeling im going to be up most of the night, thankfully i have no appointments tomorrow so i can get a little sleep tomorrow, he sleeps alot better during the day , which is not good but for right now i take any sleep i can get, im anxious for him to get about 3 so i can start taking him to zoos and amusement parks and i just want it to be me and him , i simply have no desire to be in another relationship for a veryyyyyyy long time lol , i want to know i can make it on my own and can support myself before ill ever let myself get back into a relationship

blessed4x

Just a piece of motherly advice from someone who's done it FOUR times! Love every stage, soon he will be 3, then 13 before you know it. No matter what anyone says.....you can't spoil a baby. I held all of mine until they didn't want to be held anymore, and they are all very secure. Eventually he WILL want you to put him down, LOL. Slings are a wonderful invention (actually I think they've been around for centuries), but they take practice to use so don't give up on it if you get one. Finally, know that it's normal to have "I don't want to be a mom" days.....vent to a friend, vent to us, put him in a carseat and take a warm bath. Parenting is not for the faint of heart, but it has, without a doubt, brought me more joy than any other thing I've done.

And to think I wanted 8 kids.....then I guess I would have had to call myself blessed8x!!

Bernadette

i guess now thinking about it, there really is no answer to my question, i guess every addict is different and really thinking about it, my sister isnt an alcoholic or doesnt have any addictions and everything in her life is someone elses fault lol , maybe that is just some peoples personality...

You're getting on to something here!

The mantra here at F&F is keep the focus on yourself-- I find sometimes if I am obsessing about a particular "thing" about another person and then I say stop B. focus on YOU - I might find there is something in that "thing" I was focused on in others that I need to look at in myself.

Does that make sense?

Like I remember when I first understood that I was actually in love with my exH's "potential." and all I could think about was his potential - and then, finally, (late but better late than never!) - my recovery brain kicked in and I was like HEY what about my potential?? Am I living up to my potential? Am I convinced of my own "potential" but not doing anything to actualize it??

Anyway - I appreciate that you shared this stuff!

Is Benjamin like even a week old yet?? Talk about a trip to the zoo- my house was a zoo when my first born was a week old!! I can't believe you're able to type on the computer! I couldn't even figure out how to make time to take a shower! I just remember being flat out exhausted and spaced out nursing him and then smelling his little head and it was like the greatest rush.

I hope you are getting some sleep!
peace-
B.

steve11694

Beer at Walmart; Thats pretty desperate and quite low and logically is high probability to get caught(beer is not easily concealed) Imagine trying to hide a 6 pack or quart under your jacket or shorts?

Recovering alc's at aa that i have met said the best thing for them was time in prison "they dont serve alcohol in prison"

veryrestless722

well he doesnt steal a 6 pack, what he does is steal a 24 pack, what he bascially does is takes a walmart bag in the store with him and puts it in his pocket, then he gets usually steaks and whatever else and puts them in the bag and carries the beer, and he usually has a receipt from a previous time bascially hoping they will see the receipt and not ask any questions but i think hes been doing it so much and thats how hes been affording to drink and eat that he got too brave, cause his favorite phrase is he just dont care anymore, its very stupid and careless but not my problem, his brother is in jail for a very very long time like 17 years, for stealing, but he just kept getting caught so after so many offenses he got the 17 years and now my xah is on that same path, i havent heard from him for a few days so im hoping he just leaves me alone now, ive even thought about taking him to alabama myself just to get him out of florida and away from me and he can hit bottom in alabama but nobody wants me to do that but i would feel so much better if he was in alabama and far away from me

well ben will be 2 weeks old this friday, and i try to never say this cause i dont want to jinx myself but hes actually a good baby, my neighbors probably dont even know i have a baby cause he dont cry alot, he sleeps then starts making little noises and if i dont get up when he starts that he gets a little louder, so i get him up and feed and change him, usually hold him a while and keep him up some, then lay him back down and he makes a little fussing grunting noises for a few seconds then goes to sleep, the hardest times are at night, but me and my mom have figured out that he prefers noise, i have four dogs that bark constantly, it dont phase him, i guess he heard it all through my pregnancy so he dont even jump when they start and they are loud, i play music or the tv and he sleeps right through it, but come nighttime when everything is cut off and now the air isnt even running cause florida is having a cold front at the moment, and its totally quiet then he gets restless and seems to wake up more, ive tried sleeping with the radio on but i cant sleep then, but i might just have to, but other than that he dont fuss too much right now, most of the time he just watches me hes fasicnated with my hair, i have long naturally curly hair and he spends the time i hold him just looking at it lol , it probably does look crazy to him
but he sleeps so good i just go take a shower and leave the door open if im home alone so i can hear him but so far he just sleeps through it, ive read they can get colic in the second or third week so im not holding my breath that he stays this way, but really other than the complete stress i had while pregnant i really had an easy pregnancy i didnt have morning sickness or any of the "gross" symptoms most pregnant women had , the c-section didnt hurt it was just the recovery that was tough and it wouldnt have been if i would have had help and not had to do everything myself , i think god knew i couldnt handle anything else so he gave me an easy pregnancy
everyone is surprised but its just natural to have ben, i miss my sleep but thats about it, i just kinda took to it like a fish in water, i guess everyone is surprised cause im not a big kid person, i like kids im just never really comfortable around them except my neices, but with ben everything just comes naturally, now ill probably go bald if he gets colic or gets to crying alot but ill just deal with it and going back to work will be hard but ill get used to functioning on no sleep, but i was a really quiet kid and was always good until my sister picked on me 24-7 lol, so i guess he takes after me but i can already see his fathers stubborn side in him, i have to wrap him up really tight and his hands cant be out or he starts whining lol , my mom laid him on his stomach (she was watching him the whole time) and he tried to start crawling , he gave it his best effort too lol, so maybe he will do things quicker than most
my biggest problem right now is trying to figure out how to get the money for a swing cause if im not holding him i have to lay him in his bed, ive tried sitting him up in his car seat but he dont like that at all, he'll sit in it fine in the car or if i take him somewhere but he wont sit in it in the house, so i need a swing cause he loves looking around, he even likes looking at the tv, but other than that im not having too hard of a time

denny57

My friend got a lot of things like that on Craigslist. Yard sales are good, too, where you can find some top of the line ones for good prices.