TimeForMe

Hello all -

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and feelings. (I tried to post this earlier, but it disappeared. Please forgive if it comes up as a dup!)

I've been lurking here about a week. At this point, I just need to vent. Please don't feel obliged to respond.

The generals:

1) My father was (is?) a verbally, emotionally, physically (to me) abusive alcoholic for as long as I can remember.

2) My mother is text-book co-dependent.

3) Despite my best efforts, I am co-dependent, married to a highly successful, highly functioning alcoholic. WTF????

The specifics:

1) AH wavers between admitting there is an alcohol problem and denying there is an alcohol problem.

2) I am at the point where I am simply out of juice (long story). I can no longer emotionally support two people, let alone myself.

3) In trying to explain to AH (in a sober state) my predicament, I was met with "well, what about me? if you think we might be apart, I have to mentally prepare myself for that, and that makes me sad. what am I supposed to do?" thereby effectively invalidating my feelings and sucking more energy from me.

I have realized that I am really good at suppressing my feelings, but after 40 years, I cannot do that anymore. I. Am. Burned. Out.

Really, what about me? Who the heck is supposed to be taking care of me? I certainly don't know how to take care of myself!! I am worn down...body, mind, and soul.

And he is concerned about his feelings.

Luckily, I have no kids, and at this point, there are no financial issues. Thank God.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Big hugs to all of you dealing with this problem. Sure sucks, huh?

prodigal

TFM, you are not alone. I can only speak for myself, but I know what it's like to feel depressed, worn out, stressed out, frustrated, angry, ready to throw in the towel ... been down that road a few times myself. I got to the point that I just wanted to dig a hole, crawl in, and bury myself.

I had no idea who I was. I had no idea how to fend for myself. I glommed onto abusive addicts, neglectful addicts who kicked me to the curb, men who had MAJOR control issues ... all because I didn't think I was anything without a man. And I wanted someone to take care of me.

More than anything in my life, I have wanted somebody - ANYBODY - to take care of me. Other than me. I was left to fend for myself as a child. My father was an addict and my mother was mentally ill. I had no siblings. Thus, I had to figure out how to make the past right.

And I almost drove myself completely crazy trying to make stuff right that went wrong more than 40 years ago.

Just a suggestion, but how about giving Al-Anon a try? At your first meeting, it is suggested you try six meetings to see if it is your cup of tea. You may want to look into finding a counselor who has experience working with codies and addicts.

I spent over two years dragging my AH in and out of rehabs, AA meetings, marriage counseling, church.

I ended up burned out, suffering from major depression.

My AH is still drinking.

It's a moot point to me as to whether or not my AH admits he's a drunk or not. His addiction. His side of the street. His choice.

I don't feel used up or spent any longer. I have hope for my own future. What my AH chooses to do or not do is no longer my business.

I can't tell you what to do. But if you haven't done so, read the stickies at the top of our forum. Keep posting. Maybe you'll decide that meetings and/or counseling will help.

And, yeah, it sucks living with an addict. But it doesn't have to suck forever. Please keep posting. Feel free to vent here.

guiab

TMF,
You are at the end of your rope because -
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
(the 3 C's)
You can beat yourself about it quite a lot, but alcoholism can only be stopped by the alcoholic. They have to admit they have a problem and that they have lost control of the problem. You can't 'make' them do anything. I have read here in another post from a wise recovering alcoholic who stated that his recovery was the priority in his life, above his family and his career, because he knew that he would lose both if he did not embrace sobriety as the single essential thing in his life. Only when they get to the point that this gentleman got to do you know progress can happen.
My father was a highly functional alcoholic. It is by no means impossible. He could drain a bottle of vodka, plus some whiskey, sherry, or beer, scream hatred at his family and the world for hours, collapse on the floor and fall asleep, wake up at 5:30am sharp, and be dressed, shaved, and out the door by 6am, happily smoking his pipe (the finest tobacco) on his way to another 12 hour day as a physician. Unbelievable. He peacefully died in his sleep without ever admitting that he had a drinking problem. He grew up very poor and had accomplished quite a lot. My mother went from a successful nurse (top of her nursing school class) to classic codependent, and then to alcoholic sometime in my elementary school years. She admitted her problem, and my dad reminder her of her drinking problem many times. Now there is a for you.
Read and post here much and often.

GiveLove

Second the motion on a little bit of counseling, TFM. I was never a "therapy person" but I found that having a forum to talk it out (not just write it out, but talk, cry, get mad, do whatever) really helped me to clarify what I wanted.

Only when I had a clear picture of the life & relationship(s) I wanted was I able to start building them and finding them.

Sounds like you may have to stop turning to him as your sounding board. He has his own fears, and in his mind they trump yours. An impartial person trained to listen and to offer concrete suggestions, things to try, steps to take, might be really valuable to you. it saved my life.