tortoise

I have been reading books on Adult children of alcoholics to try to figure out where this started. How long have I been confused and numb? Am I confused? Is the rest of the world confused? My father was an alcoholic. I married a man that is an alcoholic-less drinking but still drinking. It was progressive over the last 40 years, but I now see the 6 pack is an absolute every day. Is it normal for me to sit in the house waiting for him to come in from a beer and a cigarette 5 times a night? Is it normal for me to expect that he will drink those 6 beers every night? I try to balance this all out with he is such a nice person. He is a good man, sweet, caring and would do anything for his family...but quit drinking beer. I have forgiven him for all his indiscretions due to drinking over the last 40 years-were these normal? Should I accept this kind of life? Do I /Should I deserve more than this? Isn't this normal? I grew up with this, I have been in this relationship for 40 years-it must be normal. Don't know what the rest of the world's normal is. I am trying so hard to figure these things out. I am the reason he drinks. He started because of me, if only I could make changes he could stop drinking. He likes to have a few beers after work, blah, blah, blah.
I am going to go to an AlAnon meeting by me they will start again this month. Havent gone to one for 25 years-then I only went once and left with "detach from the alcohol part of him" so I did. His problem though has become mine, because I don't know normal. And I am scared to death to let him know. See I know he would just leave if the choice was me or alcohol-even after all these years. Would come back but all changes would be temporary. I have never threatened to leave. I don't believe in idol threats and I have never been ready to leave. I truly love him. He is my companion, best friend, confident-I know that sounds crazy. Like someone would say-do you see what you are writing? two different descriptions of your life. Sound nuts doesn't it. Now I wonder what life would be like if it was "normal". I just can't seem to find out what normal should be. I have posted a few times, and I am (I think) starting to sort things out a little, but I still find I am very scared that I am not living the "normal" life. Do I want to find out what normal is? Maybe it isn't what I am living. Do I have the inner strength/energy to act on things if I am not living "normal". I am afraid to be alone, but yet crave alone time, and yet feel lonely even though I am married. Does that even make sense??? I am trying hard, just can't seem to get it sorted out. I know Alanon meetings will help but that will be a slow process too. My son introduced me to this site and I read it every morning and every night. I have learned alot already. Enough to know-I NEED to know more, so much more.

Freedom1990

Awareness comes with time. I am always learning new things each and every day.

In the infamous words of Naomi Judd, "Normal is the cycle on a washing machine."

I don't know about normal, but I do know today that my life is full and I won't settle for less than what I deserve!

Keep reading and keep posting! :ghug

Chrysalis123

I used to get stuck on that word, "normal" too. Now I think "healthy" for me. What is healthy for me is unique to me and doesn't hinge on anyone else's opinion. I am trying to find myself again and it seems like you are too. You are asking great questions. Do you like to read? I ask because there are some great books that helped me. One is "Codependent No More". The other is "How Alanon Works".

tortoise

Thank you so much. I like that-"healthy for me". Now if I can only figure that out. I will look into getting those books. I guess all the insight I can get helps me. Right now I feel alone out here trying to figure it out. If my son hadn't introduced me to this site I would "really" feel alone. Thank you all for any future replies and for letting me express my confusion in a non judgmental environment, where others have felt the same way. I know now that I am not alone out here.

Bernadette

Hiya tortoise!

I agree w/ Chrysalis, focusing on the concept of "Is this healthy for me?" might lead to a better understanding of where you are at and what you want.

I'm glad you will try AlAnon again-- there is so much more to learn there than just "Detach from the alcoholic" -- so much more!! Keep an open mind, keep trying.

It is great you are seeking help and answers-- our lives are like these gardens and we sometimes let the weeds choke 'em up. Then one day we start weeding - we say, hey , this little garden could be quite peaceful and nice actually but it's gonna take some work! We don't make our lives suddenly beautiful - life IS beautiful - and once we clear the weeds and do the sweaty work that beauty is revealed!!

Glad you're here!
B.

Cheese

Omigosh - this is a question I have asked myself throughout my life - "WTH does normal look like?!?!?!" I have no clue. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I agree with B. above. It's going to take time for us.

Still, I admire your courage in starting.

Cheese

GiveLove

Hi Tortoise,

As you can see, 'normal' is not something that can be defined. "Healthy for me" works better for me all the time.

So....in terms of your husband's drinking habits......what is it about the six pack per night that you don't feel is healthy for YOU ? (Bear with me here, I know full well what's wrong with a six-pack a night )

What --specifically-- hurts about it? What damage is this amount of alcohol consumption doing to your relationship, other than "I don't want him to do it" ? What would instantly get better for YOU if he didn't drink? Is he abusive or controlling? Has he lost his job? Does he drive drunk? Does he behave in a way that embarrasses you sometimes? Is his quitting drinking something that YOU want? Or that someone else wants?

My answers started coming more easily when I knew the questions I wanted answers to.....Al-Anon helped me a lot - I think you will find a good support system for yourself there, regardless of anyone else's choices. It's great to have someone to talk these things through with, isn't it??

blessed4x

It makes perfect sense to me, and probably most of us here. I have decided we all have our own "normal". My problem is I don't want my normal anymore. What was so comfortable for so long suddenly started getting a little uncomfortable, then it festered until now it's practically unbearable.

Good luck to you as you sort through all of this. It has been an amazing journey of self-discovery for me, and I'm not even half-way there yet.

GiveLove

B4X, I think this is so brilliant and struck me so hard this morning that I'm going to start my own thread with it. What happens when we don't want "our normal" any more? Very insightful.