susanfsu1

I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I think the fact that you have not contacted him is a huge step. A great accomplishment for your self.

I too suffer from these types of behaviors. I don't feel like I have been very strong at all. I have given in and called and emailed, etc. Sometimes it paid off, sometimes it didn't.

I too am so afraid that he will forget...that too much time will pass by. But he won't forget you...he is just putting a band aid on his pain for now with drinking and the other woman.

Stay strong...you are doing great. Keep posting. This is an incredible site.

Peace and Love.

BumblingAlong

It's funny you mentioned that scene in Runaway Bride. I've often thought of that, myself.

I wrote him an email...and would like to post it here. I think it's made me feel better. The question is? Should I send it?

Through your anger, I hope you can understand how I'm feeling. I have such difficult time trying to understand how you are able to tell me that you love me and then dump me - especially the way you did. It makes me feel that I wasn't even worth being dumped in person, or at the very least, by phone. It's incrediby humiliating, which is not what I deserved. I'm a decent human being, someone who you claimed to be your best friend and to love. That's what makes this so incredibly painful. Whether you choose to admit it or not, you purposely tried to keep me hanging on. You stated that once you "came to your senses", you'd be back and you'd buy me an engagement ring. You knew what that meant to me. It meant everything. I would have married you, but realize now I would have had a very unhappy life because of your drinking. From the Al-Anon literature I've read to the counsellor I've talked with through my EAP, I'm learning a lot about alcoholism. Alcoholics will do anything to remain drinking. They will hurt anyone, they will lie to anyone - mostly themselves - and they do not care who gets hurt in the process. I've also learned that it's not my problem. It's yours. You are the one who has to live with it, but I have the choice of moving in a new, happy direction with my life. You don't have that choice. Even with a new girlfriend or ten new girlfriends, you will still be drinking and unhappy. That's so sad for you. I know that you feel somewhat bad about what you did to me and what you'll soon be doing to your new girlfriend. I know that you WANT to be a whole man. It's so sad, because you have such great potential. Unfortunately, nobody can have a real, honest relationship with your potential - they have the relationship with what you are now. And thankfully, I've come to realize that you're simply not relationship material as you are now. I feel like we were playing two different games for the last four years. I was playing, in the best faith, the game of love. Of looking for a bright future with a handsome, intelligent, sexy man. You, unfortunately, were playing by a different set of rules. I just wish someone had informed me earlier, because there was no way I could win that game. I'm sorry for the things that you'll say about me. You will conveniently forget the things that I meant to you for the past four years and will shred me up. One thing I do want to thank you for is a special gift. You were able to show me that I have a great capacity to love - more than I knew I could. That's truly something special and I look forward to the day when I experience it again. I hope you can find some kind of lasting happiness. And that you can find a way to stop the self-hatred that you experience every day. You are worth more than you believe. I remember one evening at my house that you said that you didn't believe that anyone could love you - because of your alcoholism. Let me tell you for certain; someone special DID love you and would have done anything to help you. Maybe, with a little luck, you'll find another special someone one day. I'll leave it here.

BumblingAlong

I need to find myself. I need to re-connect with the friends that I let go. I want to living a healthier lifestyle - joining a gym. I want to be involved with my family - I've been AWOL for almost 4 years. I want to focus more on work - I've let that slide too. I'm so fortunate and quite blessed to have what I do, believe me, I know it. I own my own home, I have the cutest little dog who I love more than anything. But I'm so scared of feeling lonely and alone. I need to find things to do with my evenings so I don't sit around and pine for this toxic man. I want to find love - I want to be loved for being simply me. No more love with strings. No more moodiness (that hurts so much) No more saying "I love you" one minute and dumping me the next.
I think a good short term start is to get to a gym. That will take care of 3 nights a week. Continuing with the psychologist is another must. Beyond that, I don't know. My girlfriends are trying to convince me to start online dating, but I don't know if I could stomach it yet.

Kimmieh

I second anvilhead's recommondation to wait a while before sending it.

I find this so horrible. He doesn't like that she takes meds? I hope that everyone who cares about me will encourage me to stay on mine because they make me better, healthier, more confident, less depressed. He treats her horribly and she sounds needy and dependent. Could you really be happy with someone who is this disrespectful towards women even if he is not towards you? And this does make me wonder what he might have asked you to do. I am not asking you to tell, but sometimes when we go back and take inventory we realize what we really put up with. I lower my head in shame when I think of my exbf and his attitude towards women (even if for some reason I was different, blablah). But it was good and eye-opening to look back.

The gym is a great idea! Keeping busy helped me a lot over a bad breakup. Take good care of yourself and wear lots of black! :p

Pajarito

I have so much to say- but how do I do this. . .?

I've been married to an alcoholic for 18 years. I thought I knew who I was. I didn't. Everything I was was defined by him- his moods-whether he was drinking- who he was doing what with- everything. I thought I was "my own person." Imagine my surprise when I finally discovered I was consumed by him? My whole life centered around trying desperately to make him happy, to get him to stop drinking. It was all I thought about. I jumped through hoops- for him, and nothing was appreciated or reciprocated. Why? because it's not my job to change another person. It's not my job to change myself to fit into the whims of a crazy person who's life is centered on drinking and damn anything that might get in his way. Nothing has stopped him- not losing 3 jobs, not losing his family. He has moved on- easily-he's dating a co-worker. That's what they do. They will latch onto what's easy- until they hit bottom and finally start to do the hard work true recovery takes. For some, there is no bottom- only death.

When I finally realized I was putting up with so much turmoil and verbal abuse as well as emotional abuse- I had to ask myself WHY? And now I am doing the hard work I need to to get to the root of why I lived with this for so long. It's an inside job- and now- at the age of 45- I am discovering who I am- without him. And it feels good. I can be a brunette or a redhead; I can dress the way I want to; I can eat what I want; I can go where I want and BE who I am. And never again will I let someone "tell" me who to be. I allowed that. I allowed myself to become consumed- to live for him instead of for myself.

How have I worked my own recovery? I go to a wonderful therapist, I go to al-anon, I read, I post/read here, I talk to friends and family who are safe and healthy enough to show me the love I truly do deserve. If I could have no contact with my STBXAH I would, but I can't. We have a dd.

I hope you will continue to post here and find your way back to yourself. Find out who you are- what you want. You are obviously a person with a big heart. My advice to you is this: Don't trust your precious heart to just anyone. ((()))

BumblingAlong

I suppose it's more for me. And you're right - he won't get it.
Thank you.

prodigal

Welcome, bumbling. I hope you have had an opportunity to begin reading some of the stickies at the top of our forum.

I'll share a little of my own ES&H with you (experience, strength, and hope). I married TWO A's. Not one, mind you ... TWO. I suffered from what I thought was terminal codependence. I put up with lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, beatings, neglect, verbal abuse, emotional head-games ... you name it, I could take it.

I had no identity. Someone would ask me what I felt and I honestly did not know. I was lost. I accepted the unacceptable. And I remained a victim for a long time.

I found a superb psychologist who specialized in addictions/codependency. Yes, he allowed me to talk about my AH for awhile, and then it was "We will no longer discuss him, we are here to discuss YOU." He did that many times over the course of our sessions together.

I owe that counselor a debt of gratitude for MAKING me spend my weekly hour with him focused on me. I also went to two or three great Al-Anon meetings every week. I didn't agree with what everyone said. I didn't agree with all the literature. But I still got a lot out of sitting in a room full of people who knew where I had been. And we didn't sit around talking about the A's in our lives all the time.

It's a process, and that process takes time. Please keep posting. We are here to support YOU.

BumblingAlong

Thank you all for such wonderful advice and for making me feel SO supported! It's amazing how a bunch of strangers can do more for me that the people in my life - obviously because you've all experienced much of my experience.
Admittedly, yesterday was a bad day. I was feeling sorry for myself.
The good news? Today I'm having a very good friend come to visit and spend the night - we'll have a good chat, maybe a cry and I won't be alone.
I was crazy busy this morning getting ready for my guest; cleaning, doing laundry, vacuuming, washing floors - I dare any one of you to eat off my floors! - and I realized that I feel better when I'm busy. (Although I noticed my internal dialogue was directed at my x; I was furiously telling him what I think of him).
The psychologist that I spoke to agreed with a lot of what I'm reading here; he wanted to discuss ME and not HIM. So slowly, I'm trying to keep focusing on me. Today was the first day in a week that I've put make-up on and fussed with my hair (normally something I do every day, but not lately). I took a long look in the mirror and realized that I like what I see.
I was very close to calling his ex-wife yesterday; partly because I know his daughter is going to be crushed (once again) that I'm gone, but also because she really doesn't have any idea of the amount of alcohol that he's consuming. I realized that it's not my place to say anything - he'll screw up soon enough. The ex-wife and I work in the same industry and we cross paths professionally once in a while; if I ever run into her and she ever asks, I will tell. But I will not call directly.
Well, to my new friends, I'm going to have a great weekend now. I'll be back tomorrow night to check in.

Freedom1990

Just something to consider when writing a letter like that.

I have found that when the letter is full of 'you' did this, and 'you' did that, IF I even send the letter, what I get is defensive mode from the other person. That gives them ample opportunity to deny, rationalize, and just get plain po'd.

I work hard to address the letter from the point of ME and my feelings. The opposite party can NOT argue with my feelings.

For example:
That might be better voiced as "I am hurt because I felt I was lead on."

Make any sense?

I will also say that 9 times out of 10, I do not send the letter.

It was written for me to get my feelings out on paper, and own them.

My rule of thumb is I set the letter back for 30 days, then read it again. If I need to, I revise, or add, or whatever.

Once I feel the letter is a true representation of my feelings and is complete, I burn the darned thing and let those feelings go.

sodetermined

DeVon,

I tried very hard to do that in my letter to Chris the other day, and for the most part I think I did ok...but there was one paragraph where I really let him have it......but it really was more in defense of him acting like my hiding something from his was the reason for our failed relationship....what about all the crap you hid from me?

I even apologized for some of my crazy acting.

Oh, and the best part about that letter, I gave it to him, he tried calling afterwards, 7-8 times, but I never answered. It doesn't matter what he has to say about anything I wrote. I said my peace, apologized, even
asked for forgiveness.

BumblingAlong

Just had a frighening thought!
We've been together four years. In that time, we've broken up approximately 6 or 7 times. Each time, he's told me that he doesn't believe we have a future together, that he enjoys spending time with me, but that sometimes he gets tired of having me around. He always says "I want to move on". Within a matter of days or weeks, however, he's back (admittedly, with my cajoling, because I didn't want to lose him). He would say he loved me, I was his best friend, blah, blah.
SO....my frightening thought? Maybe all this has nothing to do with his drinking. Maybe he simply wants to move on - and has for a long time. Maybe he stayed with me because he didn't know how to get rid of me?
I'm starting to think that I'm losing it.
the logical part of my brain is saying that his back-and-forth behaviour is related to his drinking.
My fear is saying that I'm simply making excuses about his drinking to mask the fact that he doesn't want me.

good_luck

Or maybe he is manipulating you out of insecurity. My ex was constantly putting me in the position where I was running after him, I never really had time to catch my breath and think rationally about how I felt in the established relationship; because there never was one (without crisis) for very long.

There was just this anticipation of one, which promised to be perfect.

Additionally, I wasn't permitted to express doubt, so it wasn't his "fault" when things would fall apart, even though it was a consequence of his terrible behavior. Because he TOLD me that it probably wouldn't work.

denny57

That's why in the end it doesn't matter why he is doing it. What matters is making choices that are best for my life. Do I want to be tied to a man who does the push/pull dance all the time? After 18 years (shoot me, I'm a slow learner) I said no.

My life today, 3 years later, is so happy I could shoot myself for not doing it sooner - but I'm having too much fun.

BumblingAlong

Well, it's been almost two weeks since I last spoke to my ex. Not a word from him. No apology, no "I love you" or "you're my best friend" or "I must be the stupidest man in the world". I have to say - I'm surprised. So -- even though I KNOW it's best for me, I'm dumbfounded that he hasn't contacted me. I know he's turned all his attention to this new woman, but does that mean I cease to exist to him? I know - it's probably best if that IS the case. But I'm stuck between feeling relieved and crushed. Does he think I'm so disposable?

brundle

BumblingAlong

They don't say they are sorry or if they do it's kind of like half hearted; because they never really take full responsibility.

Hang in there your doing great!

BumblingAlong

I guess I should be looking for validation from within. I went to my first AlAnon meeting last night. It wasn't what I expected - everyone was so NICE and welcoming. I'll go again next week - I'm not sure that I got anything from my first meeting other than feeling like I belonged and was treated so warmly. What a wonderful bunch of people.
My ex called me yesterday. It was the most peculiar conversation. First, he was very contrite. He apologized profusely. He told me he's been drinking heavily and he's been nauseated every morning for the last few weeks. He's also been throwing up often (which rarely happened while we were together). He says he thinks it's a stomach bug - but I think it's probably due to the heavy drinking. Later in the conversation, he said that he felt justified in cheating because HE decided that he was moving on, so he did; the fact that he never mentioned to me that he was moving on was because he just didn't get a chance to call me. Nice huh? Oh -- and he also mentioned that he misses me terribly and that the relationship with me was the best relationship he's ever had. He said that his new girlfriend isn't much of a girlfriend, but that she's a buffer - from me. Wow. He then had the nerve to ask if he could call me "down the road". I told him he could HIT the road. And I hung up. And he called back; I didn't answer. He didn't leave voicemail and didn't call again. That's when I decided to go to the AlAnon meeting. Maybe next week, I'll feel comfortable talking, but this week, I just listened.

BumblingAlong

I forgot -- after telling me all that, he said that we never had a future and that our relationship never should have gone on as long as it did (4 years). He said we should have broken up 3 years ago. If he calls again, I am resolved to simply hanging up.