Ago

(sorry for the dbl post, forum was hanging)

veryrestless722

Ago- Im in no way an expert on anyone being sober or drinking, im still not even completely sure of everything about an alcoholic, but i am learning, ive only dealth with my grandfather and my husband being drinkers and my husband is just like my grandfather was so i really dont know how others deal with or act like when they drink, just being a woman i would say women are stronger lol, i was really just kidding around, men or women, it has to be the hardest thing in the world to do

i wish i was the type to be able to go to an AA meeting, but im really shy and i have social anixety, so being around alot of people is not my thing

but im slowly learning about all of this, i want to understand what my husband goes through but more importantly im learning more how to work on myself and detach from him and his situation, i dont think my husband is one that could get sober, he doesnt see it as a problem never has, hes not really a strong person in an emotional sense, i realize how much he relied on me for alot of things and now he relies on this other girl, his friends, and alcohol to vailadate his life, i wish i could have a little hope that he could be one of the "soberr" ones but truly dont think he could ever do it

i guess im just really trying to understand what finally makes anyone get sober, i used to think having a child would be enough for my husband but not even close, i think death would be his bottom, i just dont know, i have so much more to really learn about alcholism/codependancy, but ive come a very long way and i think im begining to be a better person

in a way, now im glad my husband left, i would never know what i do today if i would have stayed with him, we would have made each other miserable, and i would have never found myself if he would have stayed

i will always have a shred of hope he will be one of the "sober" ones but i really dont see it happening, maybe i could talk somebody into going to an AA meeting with me, i know i couldnt go alone i would have a panic attack lol

are there any books that would help, i do good reading, i read the co-dependant book, but ive read nothing on alcoholism, i got one called alcohol cradle to grave but it basically sucked, i couldnt get into it, the format wasnt written very well and it didnt really explain the disease very well

Freedom1990

Actually there are those who do get sober and stay sober. I am one of them.

My EXAH wasn't one of them and is dead now, God rest his soul.

pauldalisa

Yes, They can get sober but it needs to be their time. When is that time? I don't know how to tell you that one. For me... My Husband always had a job. Never lost one because of his drinking. He went down hill but things would get bad at home and he would slow down a little then get real bad again. This went on for 20 years. I had to fugure a way to MAKE him hit bottom since he didn't seem to be doing it on his own. Now, this is not the right thing to do but it did work for us. I called the cops and gave them his tags. told them when and where he was. There seemed to be alot of cops around trying to get him but he never did anything wrong for them to stop him. I told him what was going on and it scared him. One day I handed him divorce papers. I finally had enough on him to prove that I could keep the kids and house. (Now the divorce papers were not real. They were copies of empty papers I printed off the internet. , that could have backfired on me bigtime but it didn't) He didn't have an excuse. ZHe could either get the divorce and the cops would come to the house to force him to leave, or he would leave for rehab right then. I had already called and made arangements for him but they needed to talk to him to make sure he was comming. I made arangement in another state. (so no one would know him and it was far enough away that noone could come get him out) I had put in for vacation for him to his boss so he couldn't get out on that one either.) He cried and cried. But he got on the plane and left. It was hard, real hard. Alot of other things happened, but after 2 1/2 years he says he will never drink again. He knows he cannot.

veryrestless722

pauldalisa --- wow you really took a big risk, im glad it paid off for you, that wouldnt work for me cause my husband would just get mad and sign the papers out of spite probably, mine is not ready to even think about being sober, i think hes getting close to hitting bottom, cause he wouldnt call me if things were going well for him, he actually sounded a little like him and not this crazy person ive heard for 7 months the last time he called me

i think if my husband could quit finding women that enable him then he will hit bottom, cause his mama is the only place for him to go once things fall apart down here, and i am in contact with his mama all the time, she wont help him, she'll kick him out quicker than anything if he starts drinking around her, so to be i would think then he would hit his bottom cause he would run out of "help" , i would make arrangements like you did for him, but mine just ends up resenting me for trying to help him, and if he failed then he would blame me, hes done burned all his bridges, only god can help him once he hits bottom, i cant and i wont, this is his problem now

im to the point now, im moving on, my life cant be on hold for him anymore, he can either choose to be apart of mine and my sons life or he can go on and leave us both alone, if he was to ever get sober and actually go to rehab i would do anything in the world to make our marriage work, hes the only man ive ever wanted i love him dearly but im not waiting around on him, i dont see him ever getting sober, but i can clearly see me living my life, i accept whatever happens, either way im going to be ok

man im still amazed at your story, thats really awesome, im very happy for you, i would love to be able to do that lol ive thought about getting those "fake" papers, but like i said he would probably sign out of spite or he would just rip them up and refuse to give me a divorce, even though we aint together lol

thanks for your post

pauldalisa

His mother always bailed him out financially when he would get drunk and spend feverashly and not have money for the bills. I had to tell her that enough was enough and under no sercomstances should she help. even if the electricity gets shut off. I had to endure the pain to help him realize what the f*(% he was doing. We had all bailed him out for so long. I was going to stay with him no matter what. I loved him that much. Probably more than myself. I have gone thru counceling since he has been sober to work on my dependency issues.
For our 20th wedding aniversary (we lived together 3 years before we were married) he gave me his journal from treatment. He said that was the one thing that he could give me that meant so much to him. Of course he had never let me read it before. I was blessed to find out how much he praised me in it. how I never left his side.

veryrestless722

thats so cool, im glad to know their are success stories out there, i do understand you saying you would stand by him no matter what, i would be that way if he was trying to get help, but he wont let me right now, hes been so determined to be able to make it without me, i cant do nothing until he decides to get help and i have to focus on my soon to be born son, i wish i could help him but that would just take me back to my co-dependant ways again

i dont have the problem of his mama helping him, thank god, his father was an alcoholic and she divorced him and wont put up with drinking in her house or the way he acts when hes drunk, really its been my fault hes never hit bottom because ive enabled him for the past 7 years, now that im not going to, which he dont realize yet, i dont know what will happen to him, i hope he will get help but i also fear im going to be going to a funeral but im staying out of it, ive detached and i wont let him around my son unless hes sober

i bet that journal was something to read, thats awesome!!

pauldalisa

Are you in counceling? That really helped me!

pauldalisa

enabling, co-dependency and your unborn child are 3 reasons you MUST be in counceling! You can get free counceling at the crisis center, since you have an unborn child

pauldalisa

I never intended to leave him if he chose to not go to counceling. (I don't think anyway, it is hard to know for sure since I didn't go thru it) It was a choice I made. I counceled with my pastor prior to this. He actually encouraged divorce OR live within the life I had chosen and pray daily that God would intervene. I had several people in the church that prayed daily for 6 years that I can think of that he would get sober. You know the story in the Bible that they prayed for God to intervene and it took Michele 3 weeks to get there because of the demonds he had to fight to get there?

veryrestless722

no im not in couseling, im so close to giving birth now, i just really dont have the time, especially once i go back to work i just wont have the time to do anything like that, then ill be working on going back to school so i really wont have time to even breathe lol

im sure couseling would help, im not too big on talking to people, i can type on here alot better than tryin to sit in front of someone and talk to them, im trying to find other books to read on the whole situation, i read through most of the posts on here , that helps me alot, i have a strong personality when i need to, especially protecting my son, so i know i wont let my husband back around me or in my life or my sons life unless he went to rehab and was sober, so i dont have to worry about enabling him, im past that point, i would support him and be there for him if he went to rehab but i wouldnt help him in any way, if he asked me to find a rehab for him i would give him his options or drive him there, but its up to him to do those things, and honestly i dont see him ever doing that, so i dont think i really have to worry about that so my life continues like it is now, nothing changes anymore because hes not in my life, i still get up everyday do what i have to, im not depressed, i have bad moments but they dont hang around as long anymore, im dealing with everything pretty well just on my own, i think i stayed and went back to him so much because i didnt realize i was co-dependant and addicted to him, now that i know that im much stronger, i realize now that i have to take it day by day and not look too far into the future, and i guess im getting selfish cause there are so many things i want to accomplish and i cant do that with him around

i dont know that story out of the bible, never really read the bible, but i do pray every night that he will get better, whether we are ever together or not, i leave it in god's hands now, theres nothing i can do, god is the only one that can help him now, the way i look at it is, if we are meant to be, then sooner or later we will find our way back to each other, and if we dont then there is someone out there that im meant to be with, right now is not the time to be in a relationship or worry about one, i need to fix myself before i can be in a healthy relationship, my husband isnt my only problem, im a natural born fixer, i want to help everybody in my family or if i think something should be done a certain way i try to make it that way, im a total codie, its rather irratating to know that about myself, they call me bossy but i just call myself a codie lol im even learning to detach from my family, if they do something i dont like or put up with things that i wouldnt, then i just step back, its not my place to say or do anything, its their life not mine, no matter if i think they are an idiot for doing whatever, i just keep my mouth shut now, sometimes its hard, cause my sister purposely tells me things just to p*ss me off or to get a rise out of me, but im learning to control my temper on those things now, and i dont run to help anyone now, im still there for people but i dont feel like its my problem or up to me to help them out of whatever, im not perfect and i still do codie things toward my family and my husband but im getting better, im making progress , i feel like im on the verge of just starting a whole new life and being a totally different person, the only thing im waiting on his getting my son born so i can start, i dont think ill ever be perfect, but now i dont feel like i have to be, i am who i am, and i cant force my husband to be apart of my life or to stop drinking that has to be his choice, either way im fine, ill have my baby boy and it dont get no better than that

prodigal

Nor was I, restless. I tended to isolate. I went to a few Al-Anon meetings and just sat and listened. I wasn't keen on sharing my story; besides I didn't understand what the heck the people were talking about! They were talking about themselves. The A's in their lives were rarely mentioned. I attended open A.A. meetings and just observed.

Then I just happened to find two right "fits" for me. But it took me stopping Al-Anon for 7 years before I went back into the rooms.

I also bombed at counseling. The darned counselors kept asking me what I was feeling and why did I think I was feeling the way I did. Being a raging codie, I thought I felt the way I did because of everybody else in my life who was screwing up! LOL!!! Man, did I go through some counselors. I remember slamming out the door during one session, and never went back!

The thing is, these boards serve a purpose. They do help us. But there are other tools in the box that can serve a useful purpose.

Just something for you to consider ....

veryrestless722

oh yeah i know i dont rely solely on these boards , i talk to my family some what about everything, usually my best friend, she dont flip out on me if i even mention ever taking my husband back like my parents do lol , i read up on everything i get my paws on, i tried a alanon meeting once, i wasnt comforable there, i only listened, i have social aniexty and it makes things like that more diffucult for me

i dont need a couseler to tell me i feel the way i do because of me and not everyone else, i know my feelings are my own responsibilty , ive learned the hard way i cant blame anyone else, i would like to blame my husband for driving me crazy (i still do a little lol ) but i know i let him do it to me, so it is my own fault

Learning how

Do they ever get sober? Thats like the million $$ question. I know that is why I keep hanging on.

I like to attend open AA meetings like Ago mentioned above it is a good way to see some sober people. For me its important at this time in my recovery that I go to the AA meetings. For YEARS I would not go to AA meetings, I didn't want anything to do with A's recovering or not. I just wanted my AH to stop drinking and stop yelling at me.

I guess my thought on can they get sober is yes, if an A can work the program and use the principles in all their affairs.

I sometimes think that I have just a diffiucult a struggle not to slip back into my codie behaviors. I have to work the program .... in all my affairs.
For me part of my codie behavior would be to keep waiting and waiting and waiting. I learned that here.

Ago

AA in many areas has a "hotline" with what's known as a "12 step worker list" with men and women both on it who will actually make "house calls" (like 2 women would show up in your case) and take you to a meeting.

These "12 step workers" are just regular members of AA that have volunteered their time, and specifically, what they have volunteered for is "to carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic" so while you don't exactly fit that "bill" of a "still suffering alcoholic", and it would be up to the discretion of AA in your area and the "12 step workers" themselves, that is one option to think about.

the twelfth step also has included in it "practice these principals in all our affairs" so, for me, if I got a call from someone in your position (pregnant with an absentee father who is a practicing alcoholic) personally, I would have no problem coming to get you (if you were a man) and take you to a meeting, in order to help give you a better understanding of alcoholism, and here's the rub, not for the man that is gone, but for you to have the information for yourself for your childs future.

IN AA we are taught to "look outward" and "be of service" whereas here we are taught to keep the focus on ourselves, so one way we alcoholics "don't drink" is by "being of service" so there is more then a good chance they will be more then happy to come "be of service" because alkies who are "being of service" don't drink.

veryrestless722

ill think about it and keep it in mind, and your absolutely right in that alot of my focus on alcoholism now has nothing to do with my husband, only with my son, i mean i still want to learn everything i can based on my husband, but hes not my responsibility , my son is. I know if my son follows that path that it would be so impossible for me to detach from my own son, so i want him well educated on everything about alcoholism, not only does he need to understand why his father will probably not be in the picture, but he needs to be aware of how easily he could fall into that lifestyle also, and if i dont know everything about the disease or learn as much as i can then i cant help my son avoid the same life

i cant even imagine what its like to have a child as the alcoholic in your life, its hard enough when its your spouse, it being my child it would probably be the death of me, i couldnt detach from that, i would drive myself crazy and end up in a looney bin trying to help my child get sober, co -dependant or not i couldnt detach, i pray every night i never have to be in that situation

Live

My xabf will die of alcoholism. I won't grieve. I have all ready done my grieving over a long period of time until I learned to accept that this truly was and is his choice, to die of alcoholism.
I will shake my head and think "SAD" that he chose that.
I won't be surprized when I get the news, I am surprized that I haven't gotten it all ready.

Rainbowgirl128

My grandfather was an alcoholic. I never knew him during his drinking days. He quit sometime in his 50s because he was about to lose his family. I hear the stories of his drinking/getting sober through my mother and grandmother. The way my grandmother put it, he just went to a counselor and didnt pick up another drink after he quit. I hear no stories of him having relapses or anything! All I can say, though, is by the time I was born he was 10+ years sober and, until the day he died, I never saw him near alcohol. He was the most wonderful man I have ever met: kind, generous, brilliant, great sense of humor, compassionate...I am so glad that he decided to quit. Or else I never would have met him. I appreciate the patience my grandmother and mother showed him, and how they forgave him once he got sober.

So, no, not all alcoholics are hopeless. Some are, some arent, i guess, depending the circumstances. When they say "an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic," I believe that has a lot to do with the way alcoholics view alcohol - what AA calls the mental obsession. Alcoholics can never drink normally partially because they don't think about it normally. My mom told me that my grandfather said once (after years of sobriety), "If the end of the world was coming in 5 hours, I would walk down to the ocean with the finest canadian club and a box of smokes." I think this quote is interesting because it shows how much he liked to drink, but he realized that for him drinking could only meant "the end of the world."

veryrestless722

my grandfather was also an alcoholic, but he never quit until after he had a stroke, and by then it was hopeless, he never gained back any quality of life after his stroke, but depsite that he was the best grandfather i could have asked for, i wish his life could have been different though, he was the worst father and husband

i know in my head that some alcoholics get sober, but in my heart i dont believe my husband ever will, ive lost all hope and faith in him


liveweyerd-- i wish i could be at the place i wouldnt grieve, but im no where close to that point, i would be devastated

DII

I would disagree on the alcoholic women subject. My AW has showed me that society enables the alcoholic women because they most people want to help the women, feel bad for the women and plug into her nurturing ways. It's usually a bias that men are the agressor, less sensitive and.....alcoholic! Men get les sympathy...which is exactly what they need! Or I should say less enabling behavior from others. My AW, no matter how mant detox's, inpatient, outpatient and "slipups", she is enabled. She really is a great person when she is sober. Everyone wnats to support and help her....just what she doesn't need.