Everlong

I hide in my brain a lot of things, anger, hurt...worry. And whenever I hear can of anything not even alcohol open...I--I tense up and a very angry hateful feeling raises hell within me. I'm so angry all the time, and I can't show it. And my dad--well he's too alcohol'd up to notice. My mom is a classic enabler along with my sister, and my brother well he's the smart kid who got lucky by being born 8 years ahead of me, and now moved out. My sister...she's not here either. And I'm loosing all my friends because I'm trying to cover up his problem. I feel like there's this blackhole inside of me, sucking out all the good things left and somehow warping them so the minute I can enjoy them they're already within its gravitational field and you can't reverse the process...I want to reverse the process, but I don't know how...

I have no hope of a happy ending--my father's drinking himself into a brick wall that even with all of superman's strength and the hulk's combined, my dad still wouldn't be able to get through it. And I'm angry that he's doing this; killing himself slowly and using the money he earns for alcohol verses to buy food for the house. It's not fair. And I can't seem to find any light, no open window...I feel like i'm sophocating in my own hurting that I'm letting things pass me buy...

I don't know how to deal anymore...

blessed4x

(((everlong)))....I don't know how old you are, and you don't have to share that, but is there any way for you to get to an alateen meeting?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I'm a mom of 4, 2 of them are teenagers. It gives me perspective on what they might be feeling and unable to say. Keep posting, I know you'll get lots support and advice here.

justaboutus

As sad as it is... parents don't always do right. No one 'always' does right. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

HealthyLimits

From your post two main things stand out. You clear have a lot of hurt and anger to deal with and that's okay, you're justified in those feelings.

The trouble with this is how you resolve it because with that much weight on your back it's going to be VERY hard to make forward progress. My biggest worry here is that you will let it cause you harm so please make sure to channel it in a healthy way, a hobby, swimming, myour odds of finding the right person eetings, drawing or whatever you enjoy instead of running from it because it will catch you and the fall from that tackle when it does is pretty hard.

I couldn't say this any better than the Buddha:

"In the end what matters most is, how well did you live, how well did you love, how well did you learn to let go."

You have no control over others and letting go is something you're going to have to allow yourself to do so work on you, focus on you and if you're old enough, remove yourself from that house.

The last point I want to make is don't short the process. Talk to others, you aren't alone and you will find compassion and love and understanding in sharing stories and even inspiring others.

Just don't get the mindset you're going to make your own good family and try to lean on a relationship to help you because many have taken that road and most end at the same place.

I wish you well, keep posting and try to find some local friends for yourself, work on a support system for you. All of your feelings are very valid and you're clearly a very smart person so don't doubt yourself, that would be a shame as it sounds like you're the only sane adult (?) in your house and that shouldn't be the way it is...

LucyA

:sorry

posted on the wrong thread