Laan

Hi,

Some of you may know a little of my story - my dad was an alcoholic, we lost everything from House to cars to friends and family. He did not stop drinking until he was out on the street with nobody who'll take him in.

Now we've all been seperated - my mom is about 3hrs drive away, I'm living with bf 30 mins away and my brother moved into a commune. Now my dad is there with him and they are getting an apartment.

My dad has had over 70 days of sobriety. He sounds good. We're actually talking over the phone and mailing each other, but now my parents have totally swapped. It used to be my mother complaining to me about my father. Now my father is getting a little of what he gave us....but yet again it is me in the middle! I have told them I do not want to be part of their issues, though they'll start a conversation: "I know you don't want to get involved, but...."

My mother has become addicted to Zolpidne's I think: calming and anti-depressants. It makes her a zombie unable to make rational decisions. Now my dad is calling me telling me she is threatening to commit suicide...

I just don't know what to do anymore. My friends say stay out of it, but what if this is a case like many where they need help, don't find any and do the unthinkable??? When I did call her yesterday morning, all she did was hysterically yell at me - that is how she was talking! We weren't arguing or anything...I just don't know anymore.

I've got my own problems to solve, I do not have the time or patience to play parent for my parents! I don't think it's fair that I should have to either. I have enough guilt that I can't be a better sister to my brother!

Any advice would be appreciated.

peaceteach

Hi Laan,

Your parents are going through lots of changes, and I'm sure their HP's are watching over them. You know the drill; you've learned the lessons. Take care of YOU, and continue walking the "Laan" walk that you deserve. They are adults with a lifetime of experience, even if they are currently in crisis. Don't rob them of the lessons they will learn when this storm is weathered. I learned the best lessons after the age of 40 so I know this to be true. You have a big life ahead of you, and guilt and fear will only hold you back, sweetie. Try to put the negative feelings, the worry, out of your mind when you feel them coming, and continue making positive moves for yourself. It's not selfish, Laan, it's survival, and upward motion to a better, happier life filled with hope and joy. You don't have to talk when the other person starts treating you disrespectfully or violating your boundaries. It's your choice, but only you can protect you. Take care.

denny57

Hi Laan, sorry to hear you are going through this

In my case, friends weren't always the best people to turn to, unless they had been through similar circumstances. It was hard for some of them to understand what I was going through.

Do you get any support, such as Al Anon or therapy?

HateBooze

Hi,
You can't, and are NOT, responsible for their choices. Ultimately everyone does what he/she wants to.
Look out for you. Easier said then done, I know. Ignore the yelling- it's the drugs talking.
Can you see a counselor or a therapist to vent to, who can give you the perspective you need - which is go make a life for you, my dear, you!!!
Keep us posted.

:praying

Laan

Thanks guys, the fact is that they simply never stop bugging me. I've never really gone to a therapist or Al-anon as my bf feels he can help me more and gets upset if I mention anything. So to keep the peace at home I leave it be.

It's funny how my parents have now totally swapped places...not anymore my mom complaining about my dad...

I just feel very old and very tired. My body and soul feels like I cannot continue. I have enough issues at work as it is, with them still bothering me. I know I should let them do their own thing, but I can't help but worry every time I speak to them.

Laan

There we go...minutes after posting this she asks me to call her....why?

To try and convince me to move back in with them...even though I tell her very politely that we cannot even consider. BF and I want to start our own life now and she simply can't understand that.

She's become so stubborn. I can't talk to her anymore, because tomorrow she will change her story. I wish I could just disappear to a farm or some place with no phones or anything they can disturb me with...sigh

Stubborn1

Speaking from experience if you know they are toxic to your mental health and you know to steer clear of them then you need to do that. I found that making boundaries with my mother helped our relationship. You can't teach an old dog knew tricks rang true for her and she never really respected my boundaries so now we rarely see each other. I refuse to allow her to control my emotions. Don't answer your phone or limit your calls. Once they realize you are not giving in they might stop, maybe they will appreciate what time you do give to them.

denny57

Today I would question why someone would get upset with me for wanting to seek out help.

By the time I was in my 40s I had "kept the peace" so much I was making myself miserable. It's a false peace when I keep diminishing myself to have it.

Laan

I have kept their calls limited, or when I got irrational sms'es I just ignored it, then only to be bombarded with messages asking if I've totally thrown them away now.....just feeling tired of it all now.

I've decided last night to ignore all their calls for the next week at least to deal with my work problems, as that is stress enough for me now.

Let's hope it works out after that then.....thank you for the advice!