AmpHusky

How many here have had another relationship after there A? I find myself looking at every women now. Like I'm sizing her up. I know some of what I am going through would be part of any breakup, but I still feel the need to keep an eye on the XAGF to make sure she is ok. I know I can only help her by detaching.

shellygirl

Okay I will be the brave one. I'm a little concerned....do you really want to go there so soon? I will be the first to admit after I found AH with the liquor store clerk my first inclination was to pick up the first man I could find (which is totally not who I am) I was lonely, heartbroken and wanted someone to help me detach and forget him. Sure it may have helped for a few minutes but really I think I would have felt much worse later. I know men are different so you can totally ignore this. So I was lonely and miserable for about a year while I tried to get well myself. Yes it was bad but it allowed me to heal my thinking, for the most part, and heal my life. Now I have met a wonderful man who is kind, caring, and healthy. I think if I would have hooked up with another one right out of the gate I may have never gotten well enough to be healthy for this relationship. I'm taking one day at a time with this one and it may not work out, but it was worth the work I did. Also, the more you live a healthy life for yourself the more you will be able to detach. You deserve the best life possible and a wonderful person worthy to share it with you. I wish you all the best!

DesertEyes

Hi there AmpHusky, and pleased to "meet" you.

I did that. I was an emotional train wreck and decided I would stay away from all relationships at least a year, give myself enough time to stop _reacting_ to my ex and begin _acting_ for my own good.

That lasted 6 months. I got involved with a charming young lady who was also getting over an ex. What a mess. We were both "rebounding" and didn't even know it. All I did was compare her to my ex. That was totally unfair to her.

After a year and after I quit obsessing about my ex I met another wonderful young lady. We dated a few months, a very healthy and happy few months. No obsessing, no comparing, just a very nice friendship that was growing into something more. That didn't work out either, but this time for _healthy_ reasons.

I am now in my third relationship since my ex, and this one is working _great_. My head is finally "in sync" with my heart. I've worked all 12 steps on my lost marriage, no longer hurt over the past and am graterful for the way my life has turned out. I realize today that as long as I _needed_ a relationship to help me get over my ex, I was is no condition to get into one. When I no longer needed a relationship, and was perfectly happy on my own, is when I was healed enough to have one.

Mike

bluerskies

Hi Amp,
I have to agree with ShellyGirl about the waiting being good bit. I personally waited a LONG time to start dating. I had been with my ex for 6 years and waited 3 years after we broke up to start dating. I am definitely not recommending you wait that long, but I do recommend you wait long enough for you to heal and form an understanding of what you went through and why you went through it.

I actually really enjoyed my single time, I healed, grew stronger and reclaimed my passions. It was wonderful and necessary for me to nurture myself. And then I met the greatest man ever and things are just working out, easily. I really think the time to heal made all the difference in the world and like Shelly, I think if I had not waited, the results would not have been so good.

Of course, I think it is natural to want to look out for your ex. Some people can have them in their lives and others can't. I did keep in touch with mine, but I had to be very strong about what my boundaries were. It was at times very difficult. The only thing that made it possible was that I no longer put myself in a position of responsibility. I tried not to judge his choices and I never offered advice. Either way, the distance and time to heal will help you move in the right direction and it will help you to let go.

laurie6781

Mike really said it quite well!

I found for me, I actually took more than a year. During that time of reflection, working the steps through Alanon (I had already done the 12 steps in my AA recovery from alcoholism, but Alanon gave me a different perspective), I came to find out that what I had been attracted to was what was going on, on my insides.

In other words I was drawing to me from my insides, and obviously they were messed up and my 'picker' was broke, lol As time went on, and I figured me out, and I changed, I found a wonderful companion. We had a wonderful relationship and were planning on marrying, this after I had sworn I would never marry again, (Never say Never), when he was taken my a sudden massive heart attack, no warning, clean bill of health a month before and then gone.

I have good relationships today, with both men and women who have my goals to live a spiritual way of life and be a good person. That wasn't me, when my marriage broke up with my 2nd alcoholic husband. Oh he was sober, just changed addictions and became a gambler. Never got over that addiction.......................was that way until he passed in Jan. of 07.

So....................................please, please, take some time for you, get to know YOU, please don't jump into another relationship on the rebound. Give yourself time to heal.

J M H O

Love and hugs,