When they get sober
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I would say yes and no. Yes, if they can continue to stay sober, they can realize with a clearer head what they have done. No, if they relapse--their actions speak louder than their words, their apologies.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 26
My experience with my soon to be(Friday is the divorce) XA, was although he may or may not have gotten sober.... without recovery.... he did not get better. In fact it was almost harder to take his behaviors, before it was easier to 'blame' the alcohol.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
I believe so, when working the 12 steps I mean. Here's a few that would cover it.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
If the alcoholic in question recovers according to the principles of AA, the 12 steps, and is working with a sponsor - this is what should happen.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
If the alcoholic in question recovers according to the principles of AA, the 12 steps, and is working with a sponsor - this is what should happen.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 18
I don't post on here much - BUT - this is a timely post for me.
My AH has been sober for almost 4 years, and my answer to your question is a resounding NO! He just has more excuses now than he did before - "It's one of my character defects" - "That happened when I was drinking". He goes to AA and it seems to me that he believes that nothing he did when he was drinking is his fault. It was the alcohol.
To a certain extent, I do believe this - I believe that the alcohol WAS responsible for many of the things he did, BUT - he still did them.
It really hurt me badly last year on his anniversary when he got his 3 year coin and spoke. He mentioned how he had neglected his business and hurt the kids, but never once mentioned any of the things that affected me - and believe me there were plenty!!!! Not sure if he truly isn't sorry or if he just refuses to admit it. After all, since I'm the reason he became an A in the first place, I guess I don't deserve any remorse or amends ( Sarcasm intended)!
Not sure that AA has been all it's cracked up to be - in his case anyway. One of his new female friends was calling and leaving messages on his voice mail. Last one I heard ended with "Love ya". I flipped out and told him to talk to his sponsor. Sponsor's solution to the problem was for her not to leave him voicemails anymore - just call back when I'm not around so she can talk to him. Doesn't sound healthy to me which is why he's a soon to be XAH!
My AH has been sober for almost 4 years, and my answer to your question is a resounding NO! He just has more excuses now than he did before - "It's one of my character defects" - "That happened when I was drinking". He goes to AA and it seems to me that he believes that nothing he did when he was drinking is his fault. It was the alcohol.
To a certain extent, I do believe this - I believe that the alcohol WAS responsible for many of the things he did, BUT - he still did them.
It really hurt me badly last year on his anniversary when he got his 3 year coin and spoke. He mentioned how he had neglected his business and hurt the kids, but never once mentioned any of the things that affected me - and believe me there were plenty!!!! Not sure if he truly isn't sorry or if he just refuses to admit it. After all, since I'm the reason he became an A in the first place, I guess I don't deserve any remorse or amends ( Sarcasm intended)!
Not sure that AA has been all it's cracked up to be - in his case anyway. One of his new female friends was calling and leaving messages on his voice mail. Last one I heard ended with "Love ya". I flipped out and told him to talk to his sponsor. Sponsor's solution to the problem was for her not to leave him voicemails anymore - just call back when I'm not around so she can talk to him. Doesn't sound healthy to me which is why he's a soon to be XAH!
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
They only know when you tell them. I have two stories about it.
My mothers bestfriends, husband was an alcoholic for many many years up till his late fifties. No one ever thought he would get sober. His wife prayed and prayed and one day he had enough. Just like that. He started going to church and became sober. He went on to preach and loving the Lord like nobody's business. He was a good ol' country man. So for many years until his death a few weeks ago he did prison ministry and preachin and a Souther baptist church. He touched and saved many lives. He had the biggest funeral I have ever seen with people standing outside of this smaller baptist church. The reception afterwards had a southern band and he was remembered for all of his wonderful things. Not one word was spoken about his alcoholism. Since he got right with God I can imagine he was forgiven by his family and children. They all loved him so much and his wife never gave up. I believe we are the legacy we leave behind and he left a beautiful memory, he wasn't defined as an alcoholic.
My other story is my husband. I've had years of ups and downs and lived the typical life of a wife of an alcoholic. I found my way out of the hell I was in and eventually started to live as God would have wanted. I found happiness while my husband was in a bottomless pit going no where. He started to see the change in me and he wanted that.
The disease isn't easy to just up and quit so gradually he is making changes. Some change over night and some take their time but we have to give them the opportunity to grow and to change. The labeling stops them. I see the fight in my husband. It may have come too late but he's trying. As a child he has to learn his own lessons.
Neither have worked the program, the program works for some and not for others. It is a good rule of thumb to follow for better results and I'm glad it's out there.
So people can change.
My husband has apologized for things that hurt me. I had to remind him of things and if he thinks back he can remember and some he can not. You will know they are sorry, you'll see it in their eyes and feel it. I still have sit downs with my husband when I have a memory that comes up and we talk about it.
Alcoholics do not understand the sickness, they honestly have no idea why they fall victim to it. Trust me, they are embarassed beyond belief and that's why sobriety is so hard. Some families make them apologize or relive hard things. If they are getting sober give them time to learn to live as real humans and then maybe a year after have a sit down and discuss things. Try not to be critical.
Hope this helps.
My mothers bestfriends, husband was an alcoholic for many many years up till his late fifties. No one ever thought he would get sober. His wife prayed and prayed and one day he had enough. Just like that. He started going to church and became sober. He went on to preach and loving the Lord like nobody's business. He was a good ol' country man. So for many years until his death a few weeks ago he did prison ministry and preachin and a Souther baptist church. He touched and saved many lives. He had the biggest funeral I have ever seen with people standing outside of this smaller baptist church. The reception afterwards had a southern band and he was remembered for all of his wonderful things. Not one word was spoken about his alcoholism. Since he got right with God I can imagine he was forgiven by his family and children. They all loved him so much and his wife never gave up. I believe we are the legacy we leave behind and he left a beautiful memory, he wasn't defined as an alcoholic.
My other story is my husband. I've had years of ups and downs and lived the typical life of a wife of an alcoholic. I found my way out of the hell I was in and eventually started to live as God would have wanted. I found happiness while my husband was in a bottomless pit going no where. He started to see the change in me and he wanted that.
The disease isn't easy to just up and quit so gradually he is making changes. Some change over night and some take their time but we have to give them the opportunity to grow and to change. The labeling stops them. I see the fight in my husband. It may have come too late but he's trying. As a child he has to learn his own lessons.
Neither have worked the program, the program works for some and not for others. It is a good rule of thumb to follow for better results and I'm glad it's out there.
So people can change.
My husband has apologized for things that hurt me. I had to remind him of things and if he thinks back he can remember and some he can not. You will know they are sorry, you'll see it in their eyes and feel it. I still have sit downs with my husband when I have a memory that comes up and we talk about it.
Alcoholics do not understand the sickness, they honestly have no idea why they fall victim to it. Trust me, they are embarassed beyond belief and that's why sobriety is so hard. Some families make them apologize or relive hard things. If they are getting sober give them time to learn to live as real humans and then maybe a year after have a sit down and discuss things. Try not to be critical.
Hope this helps.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I would say it really depends on the person. Some maybe aware of the damage they have done others not.
If it was me I would not expect that they would come to you begging for forgiveness cause it may not happen....
If it was me I would not expect that they would come to you begging for forgiveness cause it may not happen....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florence, Kentucky
Posts: 116
The exAGF starting calling today. I didn't answer and she left a message. In short she hoped my daughter would be a *****, and son a drug addict. Then she calls later wanting to get some of her things from my house, which I kicked her out of. I told her to be at the house at 5:30. She has been a no show.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
I think every A is different. Mine AH has been in AA for 4 years. Sometimes he seems to realize the damage he has done.
He still holds up the alcholism as some kind of shield at times. Blames his actions on being "sick"
I really don't know if he will change much more. I have noticed that when he goes to meetings he is kinder. But in times of stress, he is a dry drunk. Wish that would get better.
He still holds up the alcholism as some kind of shield at times. Blames his actions on being "sick"
I really don't know if he will change much more. I have noticed that when he goes to meetings he is kinder. But in times of stress, he is a dry drunk. Wish that would get better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I have to think that if you gauge it by this forum, you may think that we really don't get better. People tend to come here for support, because their life with an alcoholic is hard. It is so hard living with alcoholics/addicts. But we do recover. And many of us do try to make ammends. I got clean and am working my steps now. My b/f, never did. But yeah, those of us who work 12-steps, we do want to make it up to others if we can do so without causing further harm. Some things we know we can never fix. For instance, my sponsor has already told me that apologizing to my ex that I don't have contact with now will only cause both of us further problems. So keep that in mind. If it is determined after talking it through with a sponsor that to apologize to you might only bring back painful memories, or in my case, trigger someone else's obsession with me, then we have to just pray for the person from a distance. Hope this is clear for you. I'll say it for him/her though: I'm sorry one of us has hurt you. This disease is a b@tch, isn't it?
KJ
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by AmpHusky 
If they ever sober up, do they come back and realize what they had done to everyone?
I would say yes and no too. Im my case he "understood" (I say this loosely) once I told him what I thought of a few incidents but instead of owning up to what he did he tried to justify his actions saying thats not what he meant. Still doesnt change the fact that it happened.
I think that they know that they do things but I don't think they get the severity of it. Or they try to justify to keep their needs and wants in place no matter who they hurt.
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
i don't know! My verdict is still out on that one. I will tell you what my therapist said, Does that even matter? We can get closure and we can forgive them, even if they never ask for forgiveness. It's up to us to move on and let the past go. Don't cling to the hope that the alcoholic will suddenly see the light, even if he/she did....all you would get is an apology. They are sick...they don't even know why they did what they did when they were under the influence. If you do get that apology...it will be great, but get closure without it and move on with your life
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
My thoughts are - some do...some don't.
If an alcoholic abusive jerk gets sober - are they still not an abusive jerk?
If an alcoholic abusive jerk works a program, gets abuser therapy and maintains this lifestyle of recovery until they die...maybe. When your body is fuctioning in a chemically altered state, I doubt the reality of what went on is actually the same.
One time when I was in college a group of friends and myself made a recording while drunk. We were laughing so hard and thought what we were saying was funny.
The next morning we all rushed to meet to replay the funny recording...it wasn't funny at all - in fact it was rather stupid. If I hadn't replayed the tape - I would have always that was funny.
If an alcoholic abusive jerk gets sober - are they still not an abusive jerk?
If an alcoholic abusive jerk works a program, gets abuser therapy and maintains this lifestyle of recovery until they die...maybe. When your body is fuctioning in a chemically altered state, I doubt the reality of what went on is actually the same.
One time when I was in college a group of friends and myself made a recording while drunk. We were laughing so hard and thought what we were saying was funny.
The next morning we all rushed to meet to replay the funny recording...it wasn't funny at all - in fact it was rather stupid. If I hadn't replayed the tape - I would have always that was funny.
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