So difficult to stand by boundaries.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: AB
Posts: 1
So difficult to stand by boundaries.
Hello all. I'm new here.
I am an ACoA and have been married to an AH for 10 years. The past 3 years, I've recognized that I need to change or go completely insane. I've done some great therapy work, am on some good drugs to help me from obsessive thinking and to help me sleep, attending Al-Anon for last 3 months.
Came to the realization that nothing is going to change if I do not initiate change in the things that I can and do have control over. 2 weeks ago I chose to stop pooling our monies together and told my AH to pay his share and I would pay mine. I'm just tired of all the bull***t excuses why we never have any money. Only some of it is spent on booze, but mostly it's just poor/immature choices keeping us from getting ahead. I'm no further ahead with only my own money, but at least I don't have to pay his portion too!!
He was floored, of course, but has complied. He's being so petty and childish now. It's so uncomfortable, I almost wish I hadn't started to set boundaries. Change is frightening. I feel almost ill with anxiety. Normally I try so hard to keep from rocking the boat - but that hasn't served me well either. AH is now throwing a $20 bill on the counter for his 1/2 of the meal I prepared for supper. F%#k him!!
I know he is simply reacting to my change in behaviour, but now I'm having difficulties with the changes I've put in motion.
Feeling very hopeless.
I am an ACoA and have been married to an AH for 10 years. The past 3 years, I've recognized that I need to change or go completely insane. I've done some great therapy work, am on some good drugs to help me from obsessive thinking and to help me sleep, attending Al-Anon for last 3 months.
Came to the realization that nothing is going to change if I do not initiate change in the things that I can and do have control over. 2 weeks ago I chose to stop pooling our monies together and told my AH to pay his share and I would pay mine. I'm just tired of all the bull***t excuses why we never have any money. Only some of it is spent on booze, but mostly it's just poor/immature choices keeping us from getting ahead. I'm no further ahead with only my own money, but at least I don't have to pay his portion too!!
He was floored, of course, but has complied. He's being so petty and childish now. It's so uncomfortable, I almost wish I hadn't started to set boundaries. Change is frightening. I feel almost ill with anxiety. Normally I try so hard to keep from rocking the boat - but that hasn't served me well either. AH is now throwing a $20 bill on the counter for his 1/2 of the meal I prepared for supper. F%#k him!!
I know he is simply reacting to my change in behaviour, but now I'm having difficulties with the changes I've put in motion.
Feeling very hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Setting boundaries is the beginning of change and empowerment. It was helpful for me to think of change as an uncomfortable but transitional phase in getting to a better place.
I like to think of positive change in terms of living somewhere that is dark, dreary and inhospitable with little chance of a better tomorrow, and simply tolerating one's existence day to day. Yet in order to have a better life, one has to travel along an unknown road on a sometimes frightening and turbulent journey to finally reach a new and wonderful destination offering many opportunities ...and a more fulfilling, peaceful and rewarding life.
During the trip you may wish you had never started.... but once you get there, you wonder why you waited so long.
I like to think of positive change in terms of living somewhere that is dark, dreary and inhospitable with little chance of a better tomorrow, and simply tolerating one's existence day to day. Yet in order to have a better life, one has to travel along an unknown road on a sometimes frightening and turbulent journey to finally reach a new and wonderful destination offering many opportunities ...and a more fulfilling, peaceful and rewarding life.
During the trip you may wish you had never started.... but once you get there, you wonder why you waited so long.
Getting Over It
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Ohhh, boy! Do I know what you mean!!! Boundaries are very difficult but also very necessary for sanity. I have recently set some very difficult boundaries with my RAH and it sends him into a fury! He says how "it is gonna hit me like a ton of bricks someday" if I keep it up. Not sure what he means. After all, I think me and my children would do pretty well without him. It'll be him who will be sorry.
Sticking to the boundaries means I will have to go thru some rough stuff with him for a few days, at least until he is done with his tantrum. I have to stay strong, not back down and walk away when I feel I need to. Today, I will be visiting my sister for a few hours just to regain composure.
Take time for yourself and try not to focus on his insanity. Do what makes you feel good, and not what pacifies him.
Sticking to the boundaries means I will have to go thru some rough stuff with him for a few days, at least until he is done with his tantrum. I have to stay strong, not back down and walk away when I feel I need to. Today, I will be visiting my sister for a few hours just to regain composure.
Take time for yourself and try not to focus on his insanity. Do what makes you feel good, and not what pacifies him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Typical alcoholic behavior when we set boundaries...anger!
Anger is usually a pretty effective way to get people to back off.
It's hard not to want to slip back into the old behaviors/attitudes just to avoid the anger.
Today I have learned to walk through the discomfort, and setting boundaries is a lot easier.
Anger is usually a pretty effective way to get people to back off.
It's hard not to want to slip back into the old behaviors/attitudes just to avoid the anger.
Today I have learned to walk through the discomfort, and setting boundaries is a lot easier.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Sanity!
...but now I'm having difficulties with the changes I've put in motion.
What difficulties are you having?
Is it with managing your emotional reaction to his response?
His response is typical alcoholic response.
Trying to pick a fight about it.
Huffing and puffing,
Angry acting out to get you to back down.
Making the argument about anything but the drinking!
Stand your ground! You may feel uncomfortable because you haven't stood up for yourself in this way for 10 years.
Think about it! If you just up and ran 10 miles after sitting on a couch for 10 years you'd feel pretty uncomfortable, tired, scared and just dying to get back on that couch!! But if you don't start this wise journey of boundary setting and protecting YOU, another 10 years will go by -- and then try getting up off that couch!!
You sound like you put a very practical simple boundary in place. If he wants to react in this kind of immature fashion that is HIS choice. Has nothing to do with YOU! Let him own his behavior 100%. It is not YOUR responsibility to make everyone around you happy or comfortable or oblivious to your needs.
Sending you a shot of courage and a prayer for strength!!
(((hugs)))
B.
...but now I'm having difficulties with the changes I've put in motion.
What difficulties are you having?
Is it with managing your emotional reaction to his response?
His response is typical alcoholic response.
Trying to pick a fight about it.
Huffing and puffing,
Angry acting out to get you to back down.
Making the argument about anything but the drinking!
Stand your ground! You may feel uncomfortable because you haven't stood up for yourself in this way for 10 years.
Think about it! If you just up and ran 10 miles after sitting on a couch for 10 years you'd feel pretty uncomfortable, tired, scared and just dying to get back on that couch!! But if you don't start this wise journey of boundary setting and protecting YOU, another 10 years will go by -- and then try getting up off that couch!!
You sound like you put a very practical simple boundary in place. If he wants to react in this kind of immature fashion that is HIS choice. Has nothing to do with YOU! Let him own his behavior 100%. It is not YOUR responsibility to make everyone around you happy or comfortable or oblivious to your needs.
Sending you a shot of courage and a prayer for strength!!
(((hugs)))
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Hi Sanity,
Welcome! Things change when you set boundaries and stick to them. Boundaries are meant to protect you!
I am also ACOA, been with AH for 19 years, and have very strong co-dependency issues.
One of the co-dependent characteristics is that you are so busy protecting and doing for others that you forget about the most important person you should be protecting.....YOU!
It's absolutely right to set boundaries which will help you to better function!!! You deserve to be protected from unacceptable behaviors!!!
I set my boundaries with AH this past January. He is so displeased with them, and complains to all who will listen....."I can't even drink in my own house anymore"...."I work so hard I should be allowed to drink in my own house"...."you are overreacting" ....."marriage is about compromise, you should learn how to do this"......
He can complain until his face turns blue!!! His friends have also mentioned to me that "maybe I should compromise"!!!
My response to them....."Let's see how you would feel if your husband were to urinate all over the house, in places other than a toilet"!
That shuts them right up!!!
I know in my heart and at the core of my being that I am doing the right thing for myself and my children. It certainly is not the easiest thing I've done, but neither is living with an alcoholic all these years!
What feels worse? Feeling uncomfortable enforcing your boundaries, or dealing with someone who is irresponsible with their money and a drunk?
Stick to your boundaries!!!
Shivaya
Welcome! Things change when you set boundaries and stick to them. Boundaries are meant to protect you!
I am also ACOA, been with AH for 19 years, and have very strong co-dependency issues.
One of the co-dependent characteristics is that you are so busy protecting and doing for others that you forget about the most important person you should be protecting.....YOU!
It's absolutely right to set boundaries which will help you to better function!!! You deserve to be protected from unacceptable behaviors!!!
I set my boundaries with AH this past January. He is so displeased with them, and complains to all who will listen....."I can't even drink in my own house anymore"...."I work so hard I should be allowed to drink in my own house"...."you are overreacting" ....."marriage is about compromise, you should learn how to do this"......
He can complain until his face turns blue!!! His friends have also mentioned to me that "maybe I should compromise"!!!
My response to them....."Let's see how you would feel if your husband were to urinate all over the house, in places other than a toilet"!
That shuts them right up!!!
I know in my heart and at the core of my being that I am doing the right thing for myself and my children. It certainly is not the easiest thing I've done, but neither is living with an alcoholic all these years!
What feels worse? Feeling uncomfortable enforcing your boundaries, or dealing with someone who is irresponsible with their money and a drunk?
Stick to your boundaries!!!
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
I was told tonight, that ever since I've begun setting boundaries, I've become totally selfish, and I've lost touch with any empathy I used to have towards people.
That empathy knock hit me hard, but I'm not going to let her know that. I used to think the empathy thing was one of my best personality traits. Now I know that strong of empathy gets me hooked into situations I don't want to be in.
So now that I've begun setting boundaries, I'm labeled a selfish person. Typical response I supposed. Typical manipulation.
For once in my life, I'm not going to fall for it.
That empathy knock hit me hard, but I'm not going to let her know that. I used to think the empathy thing was one of my best personality traits. Now I know that strong of empathy gets me hooked into situations I don't want to be in.
So now that I've begun setting boundaries, I'm labeled a selfish person. Typical response I supposed. Typical manipulation.
For once in my life, I'm not going to fall for it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: seymour arm, Canada
Posts: 1
hi Sanity:
I'm not new to the program, but I am new to chat roms, s bear with me please! After seventeen years with a man that I love very much and who is a recovering alcohalic, I too find myself needing to set sme very difficult boundaries.
We bothfnd urselves in a conflicted situation on which we cannot agree and cannot really change. We are isloated from the [rpgram because of living in the wilderness. This is especially hard on me, he says he doesn't find it hard and will not consider sellng and moving back to the city.
For me, the boundaries I need to set are about my own need to be more connected t program and to other city based activities. At this time, I am using the serenity prayer and the 'One day at a time." slogan.
All the best, your action is based in the right direction I think.
I'm not new to the program, but I am new to chat roms, s bear with me please! After seventeen years with a man that I love very much and who is a recovering alcohalic, I too find myself needing to set sme very difficult boundaries.
We bothfnd urselves in a conflicted situation on which we cannot agree and cannot really change. We are isloated from the [rpgram because of living in the wilderness. This is especially hard on me, he says he doesn't find it hard and will not consider sellng and moving back to the city.
For me, the boundaries I need to set are about my own need to be more connected t program and to other city based activities. At this time, I am using the serenity prayer and the 'One day at a time." slogan.
All the best, your action is based in the right direction I think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Be assured he will try to make a scene to get you to drop your boundaries.
If you do, you will open the door to even more trouble. That is why we say do not make a boundary you cannot keep.
His outbursts are just yackkking or we call it quacking.
I hope you picked up the $20 and said thanks
....and then just let it go at that.
A couple more $20's and you can go pamper yourself!
If you do, you will open the door to even more trouble. That is why we say do not make a boundary you cannot keep.
His outbursts are just yackkking or we call it quacking.
I hope you picked up the $20 and said thanks
....and then just let it go at that.A couple more $20's and you can go pamper yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Sanity, Stand strong. My experience is that the A always tries to get their way. If I have a dime for every time he tried to turn a boundry back on me I would be very rich. Usually I get some version of: I am unreasonable, or over reacting, I am bitchy, I am picking on him :chatter
The more posts I read the more I see the common thread in the A's responses to anything that puts a limit their ability to just run over anyone in their path.
Take care of yourself.
The more posts I read the more I see the common thread in the A's responses to anything that puts a limit their ability to just run over anyone in their path.
Take care of yourself.
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