Cassey

I dont know how many of us smoke, but I do (very bad I know). I told my husband that I dont want to sit back the rest of my life and watch him kill himself with alcohol, he says to me why, I am watching you kill yourself with smoke. I am also an emotional eater and I in the last couple of years lost quite a bit a weight. I got down to 119 which was probably 5 pounds less than what I would like. So he also says to me, you are either eating yourself to death, or starving trying to loose, so his point was that he is also watching me kill myself due to my emotional eating.

If you smoke or are overweight the signs are so obvious, but those are addictions also. I never quit quiting and I am always starting a new diet. I am not going to give up on myself.

Somehow I wanted to say to him well that is different. But than I thought and I am completly sober deciding to destroy my body and I am not careful about not smoking around my kids. I am also not teaching them good eating or exercising habits.

Does anyone else feel like this??

Barbara52

I see it as him deflecting you concerns away from himself to avoid dealing with it. Sure, you may have your own issues (don't we all?) but he is seems to be unwilling to deal with his.

Cassey

But shouldnt I be deflecting my concerns away from him and focusing on my own issues.

That is a big part of my dependency issues, focusing on someone elses problems to stir away from my own?? Am I not doing the same thing that he is as far as not looking at myself and my own issues??

Him dealing with his issue is his problem and I say the same thing that he says, I am going to quit and then something stresses me out so i reach for that smoke, and then to boot go get that chocolate whatever or that bag of chips.

LaTeeDa

This is another reason I had to make it all about behavior. By saying you can't watch someone kill themself with booze, you are also, in effect, saying if you stop killing yourself with booze, I will stay. This is not a boundary, it's a rule.

Boundaries are about behavior and what I will tolerate. I decided not to tolerate verbal abuse, irresponsibility, and being undependable. Then I made moves to protect myself from those behaviors. Drinking, or not, the behavior was unacceptable.

Also, in looking at it from a behavior standpoint, I can clearly make choices about the kind of relationship I want to be in. Again, whether someone is drinking or not.

L

Cassey

Yes, LaTeeDa Behavior, it is about behavior, I needed to hear that this morning

Thank you!!

cmc

The fact that I need to focus on myself does not justify the wrong actions of others.
I still need to do the work on myself and tend my own boundaries, but that is not what I would call 'deflecting my concerns.'