Summer2008

I didn't sleep all that great last night and wound up waking up and not being able to go back to sleep almost 2 hours before the alarm went off. I went ahead and got up and came into work. I'm so sick to my stomach, can't eat and scared that the first nice thing someone says to me at work or ask how my weekend was, will cause me to break down and cry.

I won't lie and say I don't miss him because I miss him very much. I miss hearing his voice, damn it I miss my best friend, yet I know I will survive and I will get through this.

Yesterday I planned on taking the few things I have of abf's over to his house tonight when I knew he would be at a wedding. Now I don't know that I even want to bother.

Still no word from him which isn't surprising. My best guess is I will hear from him either today or tomorrow. The only thing that would get me to return to a relationship with him is for him to get a complete physical, and for him to enter some kind of AA treatment. Anything less and I'm not interested. I'd rather get this heartbreak over with now then let it continue to become a problem every time I turn around.

Again please keep me in your thoughts as I need all the strength I can get.

Lilyflower

((((summer)))) hugs to you hunny, you will get through this! I hope you feel better, be kind and gentle with yourself and pamper you,

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Summer2008

Thank you Lillyflower. Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.

Summer2008

Since I know ending things is the right thing to do, why the heck does it hurt so much?

Lilyflower

I know it is odd. Its a grieving process, I guess our hearts as well as our minds need time to adjust to someone not always being around any more.

I have had a check on my emotions this weekend. I received a VM from exabf on Friday, who I am in touch with in a very patchy sense. We haven't spoken for about 3 weeks. The call itself didn't phase me, I was busy this weekend, so I didn't return the call till last night. His dad (who he is staying with) answered and sounded awkward as he told me he is out with ''friends''. I just got the message in the pit of my stomach that he means he is out with a girl, and knowing I am his ex, didn't know how to say that.

Now I have been split from him for 6 months, I don't want him back, I know he is not available to me (still drinking, doesn't have own home, still in dead beat job, aggressive, manipulative the list goes on... ) However, it shocked me. It is the first time I have thought about him moving on. I had a strange night of dreams over him and me in different relationships, and woke up before my alarm, which is just not me!!

I guess even after all this time, I still have some grieving to do over him.

We will heal in time, I believe the more we love, the longer it takes.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Summer2008

I hope that when I'm six months away from this that I can reach out and try to help others they way you are doing with me lilyflower.

Right now, it's tough even getting through every minute.

Chrysalis123

Are you proud of yourself? From what I have read in your posts it seems that you have done something very difficult, something that required massive courage, and you took care of YOU! I'd say that is recovery in action.

Of course it is a rollercoaster of emotions. One thing that is said here is this: Feelings are not facts. And this too: This too shall pass.

For today breathe, put one foot in front of the other, breathe, and do what ever you want to take care of you, put all the focus on you. Be that comforting soft spot to land for yourself! :ghug3

Lilyflower

It gets easier, it really does! I second what Chrysalis says too, you have taken a very difficult step, you have got to keep telling yourself how well you are doing. It might not seem that way now, but you have made a big change in your life, one that means you now have the opportunity to heal and be stress free, enjoy your life and make a future that will make you happy.

Try to focus on that, journal your thoughts and get out things from inside, outside and onto paper. It will release alot of pent up feelings. Read your recovery literature (I recommend Codependant no more if you haven't got it) and start doing things for yourself that you had neglected.

When I split from ex, I went out and bought a few new clothes, and cheap jewellery. I had not bought myself anything for years because we were always struggling, I constantly put everyone over myself.

Contact some old friends you have not seen for a while and go out for coffee, the cinema, or just to the park. Getting out and about and socialising, helped me to shift my mood and focus and realise my life was just beginning.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx