worriedwife2

Hello,

I don't know what is wrong with me today. My AH gave me his Debit card the other night because once again he is going through money like water. He said he has been stupid and gave me the card. I did well and didn't ask questions and just took it.

Well then today, like a dummy, I decided to call him at work and tell him I was there for him that I knew something was going on. I think he may be back to buying pain pills. His other addiction. Well of course this backfired on me and he got mad that I called him at work for this. I was just trying to reach out to him thinking maybe he would or needed to talk.

Well now I sit here worried that I have set him off and he will not talk to me tonight and leave being mad. Why do I do this? Some days I am so strong and let him deal with his own issues and some days I get consumed with it again. Today is one of those days. I need to bring myself out of this funk instead of sitting here trying to figure out what I need to call him for to see if he is mad at me. When I do this, I feel like I need to do something really great to make him love me again and not be mad. I was thinking of buying him concert tickets and surprising him. Why would I do this when he just blew through $500 with nothing to show for it while I was on vacation for a week.

Some times I would like to just hit myself over the head and say DUH! I know this is stupid so why do it.

Thanks for listening,
Chris

juju

I don’t know how many times I’ve been through this same exact situation! It is so frustrating. You put yourself out there, open yourself up emotionally (by offering support), and he slams the door in your face. I was always the “smoother”. I couldn’t stand for him to be upset/angry/unhappy. So, the codie I am, felt it absolutely necessary to cheer him up. My happiness generated from my ability to make others happy. I got “high” from those happy surprises I would give him. I felt powerful with the ability to change his mood like that, whether it be a new “toy”, a nice dinner, or a clean house.

Little did I realize, that, while my intentions were good, I was totally enabling his addictions. I prevented him from suffering his own consequences. Instead of allowing him to feel the pain of shame/regret/guilt/whatever at his unacceptable behavior, I’d make it all go away because I couldn’t stand to see him upset.

But, then I started to think, what has he done for ME lately? Why is it my job to make HIS life smooth and happy? Especially when I allow myself to be treated poorly in the process?

Even right now, he’s on day 11 without a drink (I’m not saying sober yet), and he's "really trying hard not to be mad at ME for not allowing him to drink anymore". As if it’s my fault. I’ve stated plainly, “you’re an adult and able to make your own choices. Just like EVERY choice in life, there are consequences”. MY choice is to not live with the drama and chaos anymore. His choice if he wants the same lifestyle or not.

I don’t ask anymore, I try not to put my 2 cents in, but it’s hard. For me, detaching includes not concerning myself with what he does/has done as far as his addictions go. I go about my business in a calm, peaceful way. If that calm is disrupted, I remove myself from that situation. Part of that also is allowing him FULL responsibility, which for me equals NO smoothing. Because I know that my “way” of smoothing/supporting can equate into enabling.

I am kind, considerate, and will engage in responsive and respectful conversation. I certainly try not to initiate talk about his drinking, but I will respond to him if only if it is calm and respectful. There have been times where I’ve opened my mouth too much, and I apologize for it. Then I let it go. If he wants to continue to be angry about it, his choice.

Anyway, cut yourself some slack. Progress, not perfection!

juju