looking for perspective. Anyone?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
looking for perspective. Anyone?
Here's the deal:
I started going to counseling about 9 months ago. It really has given me good information and lots of support and I've learned alot. I've even done a bit of changing, I think, and I feel like my brain has more moments of "okay, I know what I'm doing" and less "am I going insane".
And the spring even brought the gift of my AH going to rehab and things had been looking at least like they were going in a positive direction.
BUT, we've had two relapses (did I say "we"? He's had two and I've probably had several!) and I find when I use the tools I'm trying to learn, they create a war zone.
It's like the same wars with completely different triggers and weapons, but you'd never know that anything has changed.
I'm trying all of my "I" statements, and saying "that is no longer okay" and "this is the way I feel and I'm not looking for you to fix me".
But these are responded to so bizarrely: "quit attacking me" "everything's always about you" (OMG, that one is just too much for me!!!!!!!!) and a series of attacking texts (that's his weapon of choice) saying "you're fat, I drink, what's the difference" and "I don't get up every morning and tell you that I don't want you to be fat today"...... you get the gist.
I just need some perspective from y'all about this. I'm feeling VERY discouraged and it's my freaking birthday today and this day is notoriously his worst and usually starts about a week out. He's not drinking..... yet..... but might as well, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for just listening. I guess I'm just a wee bit depressed and needed to vent a bit.
I started going to counseling about 9 months ago. It really has given me good information and lots of support and I've learned alot. I've even done a bit of changing, I think, and I feel like my brain has more moments of "okay, I know what I'm doing" and less "am I going insane".
And the spring even brought the gift of my AH going to rehab and things had been looking at least like they were going in a positive direction.
BUT, we've had two relapses (did I say "we"? He's had two and I've probably had several!) and I find when I use the tools I'm trying to learn, they create a war zone.
It's like the same wars with completely different triggers and weapons, but you'd never know that anything has changed.
I'm trying all of my "I" statements, and saying "that is no longer okay" and "this is the way I feel and I'm not looking for you to fix me".
But these are responded to so bizarrely: "quit attacking me" "everything's always about you" (OMG, that one is just too much for me!!!!!!!!) and a series of attacking texts (that's his weapon of choice) saying "you're fat, I drink, what's the difference" and "I don't get up every morning and tell you that I don't want you to be fat today"...... you get the gist.
I just need some perspective from y'all about this. I'm feeling VERY discouraged and it's my freaking birthday today and this day is notoriously his worst and usually starts about a week out. He's not drinking..... yet..... but might as well, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for just listening. I guess I'm just a wee bit depressed and needed to vent a bit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
my three daughters are fixing me dinner and my folks are coming over to share, so all is well. Mr. grumpy will be here, but what's one to do about that?
Thanks for the humor check, though, I truly need a fabulous kick in the arse to set me straight. I just think, "I'm working SOOOO hard", and want to see good come from it right away and ....... alas (sigh).
Thanks!!!!
Thanks for the humor check, though, I truly need a fabulous kick in the arse to set me straight. I just think, "I'm working SOOOO hard", and want to see good come from it right away and ....... alas (sigh).
Thanks!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Personal comments always hurt and they certainly don't help. I have found taking long walks, going to the gym and being on the treadmill allows me to zone out. The more you focus on you, the easier it will get to deal with him.
Name calling drives me crazy. You both have to work your programs. I wish you the best. Happy Birthday
Name calling drives me crazy. You both have to work your programs. I wish you the best. Happy Birthday
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
7Happy B'day to You!!
Sounds like he's still just quacking-- try to tune that toxic stuff out.
Something I had to (have to) work on in relation to the alcoholics in my life and in relation to my exH (and wow- in relation to my Mom too!!) is letting go of expectations. If I am still expecting that my behavior or my "new language" or anything that I do is going to affect them in a way that I expect then I am focusing on the wrong thing and not being true to my growth/mental helath.
I love the "Live and Let Live" slogan from AA/AlAnon.
It takes real discipline for me to detach from expectations, but when I do it also keeps me on the healthiest course. Once I release expectation then I can be sure that whatever I'm doing is the right thing for me, for my growth. I just can't waste any more time expecting other people to change or react to me the way I want them to!! It is hard!
Have a fantastic b.day!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Yeah it hurts when they throw stuff in our face. Its always stuff they know bothers us too. I could have lowered myself to insults. Maybe I could have told my XABF what a drunken, washed up, ageing, wanna be rock star with no future he was but ya know what? I never wanted to say things like that and hurt him. I knew it would kill him. He had NO problem telling me all my faults. Like when my thyroid was messed up and I was misdiagnosed and gained 65 pounds and couldn't lose it no matter what...he called me a fat bitch. The best one was when he called me a cripple. I'm on partial disability but always seemed to have a job when he didn't.
Its all meant to hurt us. If we know its supposed to hurt why then does it not hurt? I have no clue.
Its funny that they have so many negative things to say but when they want sex or money they suddenly forget about that. Unless of course you refuse them and then they pick it right back up again. You are definately not alone here. Most of us have dealt with this. I'm glad my A left. I don't miss someone who is supposed to care about me telling me what a piece of crap I am!
Its all meant to hurt us. If we know its supposed to hurt why then does it not hurt? I have no clue.
Its funny that they have so many negative things to say but when they want sex or money they suddenly forget about that. Unless of course you refuse them and then they pick it right back up again. You are definately not alone here. Most of us have dealt with this. I'm glad my A left. I don't miss someone who is supposed to care about me telling me what a piece of crap I am!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
A few things:
1. There is nothing you can say or do that will be right by an active A -- because an active A needs for and will make (in his/her own mind) everything you do to be a "wrong" in order to let him/her justify whatever it is he/she wants to do -- which is, as we all know, drink and/or drug. So, when you use the new tools you are learning, concentrate on the fact that you are doing what you need to do, you are being a better and more healthy person, you are growing in the right direction...and forget about how that "affects" the A because you have no control over what he/she chooses to do with it nor are you responsible for it.
2. In any dysfunctional system, everyone plays his or her role. When anyone steps out of his/her role and begins to practice new behavior, the other members of the system almost always respond by escalating their own bad behavior in order to try to bring the person who's behaving in new ways back into line. For me when this happens, I just remember what my pediatrician told me when I was worried that my first son would hurt himself throwing temper tantrums to get his own way. The Dr. said: Just ignore him and let him throw his fit. The worst thing that will happen is that he will exhaust himself and fall asleep or pass out. The important thing is not to let him get attention or get his way by acting out.
3. You wrote: "we've had two relapses (did I say "we"? He's had two and I've probably had several!)" Do yourself a BIG favor and don't fall for this faux Al Anon BS that really only denigrates yourself and/or your progress. Practicing complex new behavior patterns in the context of an established relationship is different than not picking up a drink or and drug....so what truly might count as a relapse needs to be correspondingly different, too.
4. Happy Birthday -- I hope you find someone to spend it with who appreciates you the way you deserve to be appreciated!
freya
1. There is nothing you can say or do that will be right by an active A -- because an active A needs for and will make (in his/her own mind) everything you do to be a "wrong" in order to let him/her justify whatever it is he/she wants to do -- which is, as we all know, drink and/or drug. So, when you use the new tools you are learning, concentrate on the fact that you are doing what you need to do, you are being a better and more healthy person, you are growing in the right direction...and forget about how that "affects" the A because you have no control over what he/she chooses to do with it nor are you responsible for it.
2. In any dysfunctional system, everyone plays his or her role. When anyone steps out of his/her role and begins to practice new behavior, the other members of the system almost always respond by escalating their own bad behavior in order to try to bring the person who's behaving in new ways back into line. For me when this happens, I just remember what my pediatrician told me when I was worried that my first son would hurt himself throwing temper tantrums to get his own way. The Dr. said: Just ignore him and let him throw his fit. The worst thing that will happen is that he will exhaust himself and fall asleep or pass out. The important thing is not to let him get attention or get his way by acting out.
3. You wrote: "we've had two relapses (did I say "we"? He's had two and I've probably had several!)" Do yourself a BIG favor and don't fall for this faux Al Anon BS that really only denigrates yourself and/or your progress. Practicing complex new behavior patterns in the context of an established relationship is different than not picking up a drink or and drug....so what truly might count as a relapse needs to be correspondingly different, too.
4. Happy Birthday -- I hope you find someone to spend it with who appreciates you the way you deserve to be appreciated!
freya
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
:day1
I hope you had a great birthday! You deserve it!
I've heard the same thing from my AH comparing my weight to him being an alcoholic too. Anything to make you feel bad and vunerable to manipulation. It's not easy, I know, to ignore it as so much quacking but do try to. :chatter The two things aren't comparable!
I hope you had a great birthday! You deserve it!
I've heard the same thing from my AH comparing my weight to him being an alcoholic too. Anything to make you feel bad and vunerable to manipulation. It's not easy, I know, to ignore it as so much quacking but do try to. :chatter The two things aren't comparable!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Great advice from everyone. I agree. I'm fat, he's drunk, same comparison made...... for the last 15 years. Nice. In fact, just a month ago, he was so drunk that his eyes were darting around in their sockets while he was slurring over and over, "you'rrrrrre fat".
How stupid is that? Used to bother me years ago. Hasn't in a long time. Bla bla bla. Healthy marriages with no addictions involved don't include name calling, attempts to slam the other person's self-esteem or continuous attacks to deflect the light shining on their own bad behavior.
There's no comparison, none. Sounds to me like YOU are making much more progress than your AH. Keep it up.
How stupid is that? Used to bother me years ago. Hasn't in a long time. Bla bla bla. Healthy marriages with no addictions involved don't include name calling, attempts to slam the other person's self-esteem or continuous attacks to deflect the light shining on their own bad behavior.
There's no comparison, none. Sounds to me like YOU are making much more progress than your AH. Keep it up.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I have been on a diet since I was born...
My AH has used this...he says, "I don't say anything when I see you stuffing your face, but you insist on trying to control my actions." Well this statement is true enough, and actually, him saying it did me a bit of a favor. He is right...I DO insist on trying to control his actions, which I can't....
I believe inside the A is ashamed and insecure about about their drinking, and thus they try to make you feel that way by attacking the thing that shames you. It is a weapon that they use...it is not the weight...but the fact that you probably shared with him your feelings ABOUT your weight that makes it so useful. If you said that you hated your nose repeatedly, he would probably use that. Don't let him sabatoge your happiness.
I hope you had a happy birthday....Mine was the 12th...love those leos!7
My AH has used this...he says, "I don't say anything when I see you stuffing your face, but you insist on trying to control my actions." Well this statement is true enough, and actually, him saying it did me a bit of a favor. He is right...I DO insist on trying to control his actions, which I can't....
I believe inside the A is ashamed and insecure about about their drinking, and thus they try to make you feel that way by attacking the thing that shames you. It is a weapon that they use...it is not the weight...but the fact that you probably shared with him your feelings ABOUT your weight that makes it so useful. If you said that you hated your nose repeatedly, he would probably use that. Don't let him sabatoge your happiness.
I hope you had a happy birthday....Mine was the 12th...love those leos!
7
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Happy Late B-day
HAPPY BIRTHDAY late
My ex-AH used to do the same thing to me. He was 6' 1" and maybe weighed 145 soaking wet. I had just had our 2nd son within 3 yrs of each other and couldn't seem to get the weight off. Gee, I wonder why? when he would get off work he would go to the bar, when I got off work I would pick up the boys and start to take care of them along with the house and meals. I didn't have time to work out or to even think about me.
But I turned the tables on him, because he would make me so mad, I started getting up an hour earlier (4:00am)than him or the boys. Started doing exercises with the TV using my anger at him to fuel my energy level at that hor of the morning and lost the 45 lbs I gained. Then I was skinnier than him and it took his parents to notice the weight loss. The funny thing was all I did was make it so he became jealous then of anyone I talked to due to the fact that I was looking really HOT! LOL.
So, the only thing I accomplished, was changed what he complained about. But I felt better and it gave me an outlet for my anger and frustration. It motivated me to do what I needed to do for me.
The only thing I can tell you is keep working on you and let him wallow in whatever pitty pit he wants to. If you are comfortable with who you are then let him quack as much as he wants and you just turn away and go do something for you. That will really help you and take the power away from him.
8
Barb
My ex-AH used to do the same thing to me. He was 6' 1" and maybe weighed 145 soaking wet. I had just had our 2nd son within 3 yrs of each other and couldn't seem to get the weight off. Gee, I wonder why? when he would get off work he would go to the bar, when I got off work I would pick up the boys and start to take care of them along with the house and meals. I didn't have time to work out or to even think about me.
But I turned the tables on him, because he would make me so mad, I started getting up an hour earlier (4:00am)than him or the boys. Started doing exercises with the TV using my anger at him to fuel my energy level at that hor of the morning and lost the 45 lbs I gained. Then I was skinnier than him and it took his parents to notice the weight loss. The funny thing was all I did was make it so he became jealous then of anyone I talked to due to the fact that I was looking really HOT! LOL.
So, the only thing I accomplished, was changed what he complained about. But I felt better and it gave me an outlet for my anger and frustration. It motivated me to do what I needed to do for me.
The only thing I can tell you is keep working on you and let him wallow in whatever pitty pit he wants to. If you are comfortable with who you are then let him quack as much as he wants and you just turn away and go do something for you. That will really help you and take the power away from him.
8Barb
Day, by Day, by Day.....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: nunya
Posts: 76
McKrazy - Happy belated birthday!!!!
I completely empathize with you. I have a very similar situation. I too have learned the tools - I statements, etc. My AH states that I patronize him - which honestly I am trying not to do.
What I use to keep me sane is reading the Courage to Change when I can't hit a meeting or goint to this site. I haven't had the nerve yet to find a sponsor, or to start mhy steps - still a little weak on this front. But if you have a sponsor - lean on them.
I really hope you do gain a perspective and hold on to working on you. You have a right to be selfish (even though I don't think you are selfish) to work on yourself. It's all very confusing -- trying to find time to work on you and not obsessing over the AH.
I don't think you are going crazy - I think you are still trying to find a balance, which is so hard when dealing with an AH who doesn't want to hear anything that we are learning in Al-Anon.
Hugs to you - I really enjoy your posts!
I completely empathize with you. I have a very similar situation. I too have learned the tools - I statements, etc. My AH states that I patronize him - which honestly I am trying not to do.
What I use to keep me sane is reading the Courage to Change when I can't hit a meeting or goint to this site. I haven't had the nerve yet to find a sponsor, or to start mhy steps - still a little weak on this front. But if you have a sponsor - lean on them.
I really hope you do gain a perspective and hold on to working on you. You have a right to be selfish (even though I don't think you are selfish) to work on yourself. It's all very confusing -- trying to find time to work on you and not obsessing over the AH.
I don't think you are going crazy - I think you are still trying to find a balance, which is so hard when dealing with an AH who doesn't want to hear anything that we are learning in Al-Anon.
Hugs to you - I really enjoy your posts!
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