whynotme

Hi all, I am new here.

I am married to an alcoholic. He's my soul mate. We've been together for 9 years, the majority of which he has not been sober. Oh he tries, but it usually doesn't last long. We recently built a new house and so I've got a mortgage to contend with now. I can handle on my own without him for the most part. We have no kids. Don't ask me why I don't leave him, I'm just not there yet. If I could get HIM to move out, I'd do it, I'm just not going to be the one to move when I'M the one paying for everything and I do mean EVERYTHING.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night. I'm interested in detachment. I am going to start finishing a room in our house so I can have a bedroom separate from him. I've currently been sleeping on the couch for the past few days since his most recent relapse. I have not spoken to him since his relapse. How do I detach without the "silent treatment"? I mean, I am fine with living my life separate from him, and doing my own thing and letting him kill himself with the alcohol if he chooses. I've gone through this too many times. I love him, but it's almost like I just am too exhausted to care anymore what he does. I just don't want to affect ME anymore, at least to the extent possible.

thanks...

theotherone

Welcome...I haven't achieved detachment without silence. I asked my AH not to speak with me unless he had no alcohol in his system (doesn't make any sense to converse with someone who isn't hearing the conversation)...we haven't spoken in 3 weeks. Not an ideal situation but more peaceful. I'm sure others will come along with some helpful information.

venusinlibra

Welcome to the board. It sounds like we have similar experiences. Having my own separate room in the house has helped. I don't always sleep there but sometimes I do to get away. He knows that is my "zen" room and it gives me peace from the chaos.

About getting him out, that's the tough one. So many days I wish my guy would leave. But if we're paying for everything, they never will. It sucks. The more you focus on yourself, the easier it will get. Try to reconnect with old friends, go out and do something nice for yourself, get a pedicure, etc.

My sponsor tells me when you've had enough you will know. Big hug.

Barbara52

First, let's discuss what detachment isn't. Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through like oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.

Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment," that has been passed around Al-Anon groups for years.