BrandiSue

I am glad I stumbled onto this website. I've been lurking a while and reading everyone's stories. It has been incredibly helpful to me.

My story is probably like so many others. I was legally separated from my disabled spouse when I met my ABF. He was also separated from his disabled spouse as well so we had much in common which is what drew us together initially. I didn't know that he was an alcoholic when i met him. He hid it well. With both of us trying to live with disabled spouses and deal with very stressful jobs, we were just naturally drawn together.

We are both high profile people in our community as well which keeps things interesting. Once we found out we had so much in common and truly enjoyed the other's company, we both filed for the big D and began dating. it wasn't until months later that i realized he had a drinking problem. Having never been around this I didn't know how to handle it. Some days were fine, others not so much.

Going through the divorces at the same time caused added stress. Plus both of our jobs are incredibly high stress and we are both always in the public eye. That didn't make things any easier. A few months after we met he was promoted into an even more visible position. With this position came more pay but also a lot more responsibility. He began drinking heavily. I had to go out of town over a holiday weekend. While i was gone, he went out, got drunk and passed out at the wheel. Luckily and thank God, he didn't hit anyone but did total his car. He was transported to a hospital and, due to his position, things were "taken care of'. His big boss knew what had happened but there wasn't much he could do except to begin to watch him like a hawk. ABF hated his new position and started spiraling. The big boss made him go into mandatory treatment program for 12 weeks.

He made it through the first 4 weeks but then bailed on the program. He hated the program and hated the people who ran it. He was then given a second chance and told he was on administrative leave and gave him a new program to attend. This program worked. He enjoyed going and never missed a session plus he went to an AA meeting every day. I rarely even saw him because he was attending the outpatient treatment program in the evenings and AA meetings during lunch.

Once this was completed and he graduated he came back to work but had been demoted. The guy who took his position was someone he'd hired not 4 months earlier and who became a real jerk. Instead of giving him encouragement and challenging him, he belittled him giving this man menial jobs and pretty much treating him no better than the gum on the bottom of his shoe. This sent him spiraling again and after being sober for 12 weeks, he started drinking again. He lost his job this time around which meant the end of an amazing career.

The final straw came this week when i came home to find him passed out on my back deck in a pool of vomit. He was incoherent and i was scared to death he was going to die or lord knows what. I couldn't call 911 due to his position in town. i know that sounds ridiculous but it would have meant yet another cover up and this man needed help, not a cover up. I finally ended up calling his parents who i barely knew. They came and got him and we took him to the ER. He was over 3 X the legal limit and deathly ill. He is still in the hospital 5 days later.

His family is trying to find a 90 day treatment center for him. The biggest hurdle is financial. private insurance doesn't seem to work in a lot of those places. He called me this morning from the hospital begging me to come and get him. I told him i couldn't and that this was out of my hands now. I'm sure he hates me now but i've done all that i can for him. After reading here for quite a while i can see that i did indeed enable him for a long time without even realizing that that is what i was doing.

He told me his parents found a place that he could go though, but he'd have to work out his room and board along with the therapy. He was pissed because he said he wouldn't get paid. Well duh....he won't be paid while he's in treatment anywhere anyway. He's worried of course about his child support and bills while he's away. I don't know what to tell him because again....never been in this position before.

He calls me a 'normie' and quite frankly, that's getting old. i adore this man and am going through major withdrawals myself from missing him. We had a connection like no other. But the stress all of this has brought into my otherwise fairly normal life has been devastating. I'm glad i found all of this out before we decided to move in together or even worse...get married.

I don't really know what to do to support him. i've been reading about detaching with love but not sure i understand that either. I see that i will probably need to attend some Alanon meetings at some point.

Anyway the past week has been a nightmare. I know he will end up hating me over this in the end. But i can't go get him at the hospital and i can't stop his parents from putting him into a rehab facility. He told me to please come and get him so he could spend one more night with me. Ugh.

i realize this is long and rambly, but i've about lost my mind in the past few months. The drama has been incredible and my job is stressful enough without this. Not to mention the fact that some of this will hit the media i'm guessing and many people know we are dating. I guess I'll need to use the "no comment' response a lot in the new few days.

I want to support him in any way that i can. He's an incredibly smart, IQ off the charts kinda guy. But alcoholism has him in its grip and this is the saddest damn thing i've seen in a very long time. We've been together for about 10 months. I'm not sure why I'm even posting but it felt good to get it all out. If you've even read this far, thank you.

This is all so incredibly stressful and exhausting with me wishing i could do more for him but knowing that I cannot.

FormerDoormat

Picking him up from the hospital will not be in your best interests or his IMHO. As much as his parents think they are helping him, they are enabling him, too. Recovery has to come from within--for both the alcoholic and their enabling partners. That means he is also responsible for finding his own recovery program, securing a bed there, and dealing with his own insurance issues.

Alanon, SR, and therapy have been the way out for many folks on this forum. For me, having a no-contact boundary with my boyfriend while he was active in his addiction was key to my moving forward and creating a better life for myself.

Welcome to the forum.

ARealLady

He's an incredibly smart, IQ off the charts kinda guy.

I met a social worker a few years ago who worked in an acoholism rehab programme and her words were almost identical. XABF was like that too. Alcoholism knows no boundaries!

Welcome to SR, Brandi.

Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Might take a few reads to get the idea about why and how to "detach with love" but you will learn. I have never attended AlAnon but I believe many people attend and learn that they have NO control over the behaviour of others...only themselves. That is a lot of what "detach with love" is about too.

ARL

DesertEyes

Hello Brandi, and welcome to this wonderful website

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going thru this hardship. I've lived thru something similar with my ex. What helped me the most was meetings of al-anon. The people there are very kind, and they have lived thru what you are dealing with today. Try a few different meetings as each one has a different flavor.

I used to live in L.A., and we had a lot of high profile people come thru the meetings of al-anon. This disease is an equal opportunity destroyer. Intelligence and position are no obstacles to the addiction.

There is a great deal that you _can_ do for him, but it's not the obvious things. You have already done a lot by calling his parents and staying by him thru all this. The next thing for you to do is to educate yourself about this disease. There are great books to be found at meets of al-anon, so even if you don't like the meets themselves you will benefit from their fabulous literature. Have you read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum? That's another great wealth of information.

Welcome again, and please keep posting. We will all chime in with our personal experience so that you may find what makes sense for your situation.

Mike

anubus

I'm new to all this too, but I agree that you should find a GOOD Alon-On group. I stress the word GOOD because some of the groups are better than others, and a support group is only as good as the people in it.

This desease is so complicated, I wish I would have found Alon On before I made some huge mistakes with my ABF. I did normal things that one would do, things people told me to do (including a minister who supposedly knew about alcoholism).....since I found AlonOn, I realize that those well meaning things actually HURT his chance of possible recovery.

In one of their brochures, it says "The first thing to do is forget everything you THOUGHT you knew about Alcoholism".....this info is SO TRUE.

Hope it works out for you!!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR BrandiSue!

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the chaos that loving an alcoholic brings. It can take an otherwise peaceful life and turn it up-side-down.

I don't think the A's in our life hate us. They are so very ashamed of their drinking problem and that they are unable to control it. Sometimes when someone hates themselves, they lash out at those who love them because they feel unlovable.

What can you do for him to help him? Help yourself. Loving an alcoholic takes us through our own personal He77. Understanding the disease and recognizing any co-dependent tendencies you have.....that will help him. Setting boundaries and sticking to them......that will help him. Letting him feel the consequences of his drinking.....that will help him--even if it means negative media exposure. Loving yourself first.......that will help him.

Please note that I did not say that these things will make the relationship work. Only time will tell on that matter. But getting yourself centered, educating yourself, etc., those are the things that will help you.....and will give him the best shot at deciding whether he wants to continue like he is or find a better way.....and live a sober life.

gentle hugs

Tazman53

Brandi I am a recovering alcoholic, the best thing you can do for him is to allow him to seek recovery on his own, if he wants to get and stay sober he will with or without your support.

More important you need to start taking care of your own recovery, your post demonstrates just how deeply his problem is affecting you, as already suggested, I would suggest Alanon, keep in mind that like AA, Alanon is an anonymous group so do not worry about the press gettiing ahold of this. Work on your recovery and let him work on his.

You did not cause this, you can not control or cure it, that is all in his hands. Do not let your recovery hang on his and he should not hang his recovery on you or any one or anything else. Job or no job, spouse or no spouse, if an alcoholic truly wants to recover they can.

BrandiSue

First of all, thank you for all of your heartfelt replies. I'm a wreck and i'm not even married to him! But I love him dearly and it hurts to see him destroying his life.

This is the first time i've been able to log on in a while. He's been hitting his head against the wall trying to get into a treatment center since he was dismissed. Every place he's called or his parents has called wants upfront money and won't take private insurance. This has been a huge eye opener for stupid me. Now i understand why people live under bridges and wander the streets aimlessly because they can't get any help!! Between all of us i'll bet we've called 10 different inpatient treatment centers and all the same.

So I've left him at my place alone for several days but have taken his keys. I feel like a damn jailer but i know him. Today i decided i can't deal with it any longer and give him back his keys. I am in an all day conference and called periodically. He is frustrated and pissed because he can get in nowhere. Finally I call a few hours later on my way home from work. A treatment facility that looked pretty decent on the website said they will have a bed for him on the 21st and the government will pay. At this point, i am ecstatic..he not so much because it's still a few weeks away. I notice he's slurring his words. I had a difficult time deciding whether it was the meds from his recent hospital stay or he'd been drinking again. Once i got home I could tell he'd been drinking. Unfortunately i just lost it. I have a very intense stressful job and today was "one of those days'. I told him that i loved him but that he could no longer stay in my home. I told him that it was just too too damn hard for me to watch him almost die in the hospital and then not even a few days later, drinking again.

He got up, packed a bag and left. I did everything i could to keep him from driving but I couldn't stop him. I'm sitting here worried sick and praying that he doesn't hit anyone. Just called his parents and they are heading to his place hoping that's where he's gone.

This has indeed turned my life upside down and I am just wiped. It's almost a relief that he's gone although i'm sick about him driving intoxicated.

We were so close to getting him in somewhere...now this. I know I'm preaching to the choir but it does help getting this out here. i realize i write long stuff but that's sort of what i do. It's my therapy I guess in a way. i probably should be putting this elsewhere but i'm too tired and too new to figure out where.

I hope you don't mind if i keep posting. if i need to post this somewhere else, tell me where. I'm just brain dead.

I will take your advice on the groups. But right now i'm so upset that i just want to pretend i never met him and that this never happened. But I love him and only want him to get well. (frustrated)

Thanks again for letting me ramble.

Barbara52

Its very hard indeed watching someone you love heading down a self destructive path. Just remember that you cannot save him. He is an adult. He is capable of finding his way into recovery if he so chooses.

Its good that you took steps to take care of yourself as difficult as that had to have been. It may not feel like it right now but it is also the best thing you could do for him. You've taken away another layer of enabling and have made him feel consequences of his choice to continue drinking. That is not only the best for you. It is the best for him also.

sadandhopeless

Yes alcoholism does not discriminate. You did the right thing. Do not pick him up. You can still love him, let him get the treatment he so badly needs if he is willing to take it. Copping skills when issues happen seem to be the hardest part of recovery for some people. They just don't know where to turn when things get rough so they turn to the bottle.

I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best and I hope you keep posting.

sadandhopeless

I know you can't help but worry about him. I hope he got to where he was going safe without hurting anyone. Therapy, Alanon and this site really do help - you have a place to go where you won't be judged. It is so hard to stop the constant worrying. I understand there are times the worrying about my AH consumes every second and fiber of my being. It is very scary.

Good luck to you and congradulations for asking him to leave your home. I know it hurts but stick to you guns, let him get the help he needs you can still be supportive without providing essentials for him.

BrandiSue

update;

After he left my home, luckily he only drove back to his house. I've come to know one of his neighbors who I'd called to see if that's where he'd gone. She told me that he was suicidal (she'd gone over) and wondered if he had his keys to his safe. He has guns stored there. (hobbiest)

I drove over there (i know i shouldn't have but did anyway) and by the time i got there, his parents were already there. I guess she'd called them too. He was threating suicide and basically was just out of his mind. (still drinking too)

While i was in his backyard trying to talk to him (futile) his parents called the police out of desperation. Ugh. Two wonderful police officers showed up (one knew him though ...figured that would happen eventually) and talked to him for a solid hour while waiting on a crisis team to show.

Long story short, the local city where we live couldn't transport to the city where the hospital was, so I was asked by the police and crisis team if i would take him. He was the least agitated by me. Crisis team said they would follow me. Police asked his dad to ride with me so that' what we did.

We were in the ER for detox until past 1am, then the 3 of us left. i told them both the rest was up to him. The one time i went back to his room he was mean and telling me to get him the heck out of there, demanding to know who checked him in and on and on. i just looked at him, told him i'd done all that i knew to do for him and left. That was the hardest thing i've done yet.

I've had a few hours sleep. He's tried calling me at least 5 times this morning. Finally left a message telling me where he was. He'd been moved a lot during the night and ended up finally at a psychiatric and drug treatment facility (under guard), that he was sorry he'd hurt me, he was going to get better and would try to be in touch later.

I've never been through anything like this in my life. Now i've got to make it through the day at work, exhausted and worried but glad he's at least "somehwere". I have no idea how long he'll be there or if this will even stick because by law they will have to let him go in a few hours. But if he's sincere about getting well, he'll do what he has to do to get better.

Thanks again. i feel like I've been in the twilight zone.

Barbara52

You've done what you can. The rest is indeed up to him.

Now may be the time to take extra care of yourself. {hugs}

FormerDoormat

I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. During the last few years of his life, his drinking progressed to a point where his health was failing, he was an emotional wreck, and he had many alcohol-related health emergencies, as well as alcohol-related accidents (not in a car, but falls at work and various places).

Like you, I tried to rescue my boyfriend from himself. I'd find him suicidal or on the brink of death, and I'd scoop him up and take him to the ER. His reaction was always the same as your boyfriend's reaction. Instead of being grateful to be alive and grateful for my help, he lashed out at me, treated me horribly, and was angry that I helped him.

When the crisis was over, like your boyfriend, he'd apologize and promise to change. This is the alcoholic-codependent dance. Our dance lasted 25 years. It was a tormented life for both of us. He was tormented by his inability to control his drinking; and I was tormented at my inability to control his behavior. I got help for my problem, mostly through daily visits to SR. Others have also found Alanon and individual therapy to be very helpful, too.

With the help of SR and the people on this forum, eventually I realized that if I didn't make some difficult decisions and change the way I was choosing to live my life, that my life would spiral out of control right alongside my alcoholic boyfriend. So I ended my relationship with him and eventually stopped all contact with him. Living with an active alcoholic is heart wrenching. I found it just as heart wrenching to keep in touch with him after our breakup.

I could tell his life was slipping away as he became more and more obsessed with drinking. His telephone calls and knowing the details of his life were just as unnerving as watching him struggle in person. Plus, the phone calls would leave me fretting over whether I should go on one more rescue mission--or not.

Despite all my efforts to help him, despite all the love I had for him, despite all the compassion I have for people who struggle with addiction, I was powerless to help him. He drank himself to death a little over a year ago.

If I hadn't found help for myself and ended my relationship, perhaps his disease would have caused two fatalities--his a physical death and mine an emotional death.

Trying to save someone who's in the throws of alcoholism is like taking a ride on a sinking ship. I had two choices: go down with the ship or save myself. I chose to save myself. Choosing to save yourself is not a selfish decision.

I hope you stick around and learn and share.

BrandiSue

Reading this made me so sad. I hope and pray that that isn't how my r'ship with my guy ends. I can't imagine it.

It's been difficult for me to post a lot lately. I'm one of these people who pour myself into my work to avoid thinking about other things. Ugh.

He's still in a treatment facility court ordered due to the suicide attempt. He swears he doesn't remember making that statement but oh well. He did. i'm sure the judge will release him next week. Then he will go straight into a 30 day inpatient facility that he finally found.

He has been incredibly proactive in trying to find himself a place and in wanting to get better. I've told him that as much as i care for him i can't live like this and won't. My stress level has been incredible. If anyone has a crowbar to pry my shoulders down from the tops of my ears it would be appreciated.

It's also been an interesting dynamic in the City where we live. A few people obviously know what has happened but out of fear are staying underground because of the same problem or similar i'm guessing. A few have approached me and offered support and one higher up even gave me the name of someone that he said i'd be surprised by, who has offered to be his sponsor once he gets out. When I told my ABF this, he couldn't believe it because he believed this person (who gave me the name) was more or less one who would rather kick him to the curb than help.

I'm finding support in people i never thought would be supportive. Obviously I'm surrounded by a lot more people than i realize who are also struggling with the same disease or similar or know someone else who is too.

Anyway thanks again to everyone who read thru my long rambly posts. Getting it out is a form of therapy for me i suppose.

Reading through the other posts here has been therapeutic as well. I hope to be more of a contributor once i get past this crisis.

i do know how to capitalize words. But for some reason my caps lock doesn't seem to be working correctly on my laptop. Sorry! It works randomly.

FormerDoormat

I hope you'll try Alanon as well. It is anonymous and members respect others members wishes to remain anonymous. If you're not comfortable attending due to your public image, you may prefer individual therapy. Most everyone here on this forum needed help from an outside source to help sort out the chaos that a loved one's addiction brings into their lives. Best of luck to you and I hope you stick around.