Stelyndu216

I need some opinions on this because I dunno what to do. I have been with my bf for about 4 years he's always enjoyed drinking but in the last couple months he's been complaining about work because they over work him. And now he's been drinking alot every single day. And started to become mean and yell at me for no reason and one day I got so mad that I told him that it's not ok and i can't take that. And that was about 2 weeks ago and he hasn't been mean since. But now whenever he gets real drunk he gets really depressed and talks about his life being so horrible (even tho it's not). And how he doesn't see the point of living because theres nothing good in his life.

Sooo... I've done research about not enabling the problem. I'm doing good so far but it's really really hard. My question is, does anyone think this is something that could blow over? He's made it very clear that he doesn't wanna stop drinking. And I'm afraid he's just going to get worse. I'm not married to him and dont have kids with him. So I know for myself I can always just leave him. But I really don't want to. But am I enabling him just by staying with him? How should I behave when he's drinking? Or when he says his life is horrible? Even when he's sober he's very very defensive and he's never wrong and so talking to him in general doesn't usually go well.

Any advice would be great thanks so much.

Rainbowsend

He's mean, negative/depressed, you can't talk to him and he has no intention of giving up drink.

It's up to you, you make the choices.

Stelyndu216

It's just frustrating because I loved our relationship before he started drinking so much. Hard to imagine that it could just be gone now.

GiveLove

Hi there,

So sorry you're going through this. I found it really helpful, when I went through the same thing, to sit down (I did it with a counselor) and get clear about what I wanted out of life. Taking him OUT of the picture, I thought about where I was going with my life, what kinds of things make me happy to do, what sort of relationship feeds me best. Remember that "he" is just one part of your happiness -- there are other parts like family, career, friendships, volunteering your talents, and all those other things you want to see, do, and be before you die. Focusing on yourself, on the only life you've been given to manage, helps a lot with decisions like this.

It also helps bring your feelings into the light, for example, if he is always very defensive, never wrong, and you can't talk about things that matter to you.......is that the kind of relationship you want? I myself found that very lonely and isolating, and even when we were together I felt alone.

Your immediate choices seem really to be 1) stay, be honest with him that this situation isn't what you signed up for, and sit and see if he's willing to make a plan together to get well, or 2) follow your gut instinct that things aren't really going to get better for you, and start moving toward independence from him. Nobody can really make that choice for you, but there are lots of stories here from people who've chosen one route or the other. I learn a lot just by sifting through the stories.

If you are unhappy, if this isn't what you want out of your primary love relationship and he isn't willing to hear you OR to take steps to get better, then all the love in the world isn't going to force him. You'll have to do what's best for YOU, and let him solve his problems himself......it's kinda hard, but such a relief when you find yourself out from under the dark clouds of someone else's addiction. He really needs to stop drinking, perhaps find a counselor to help him with his depression, and find a support system like AA or similar so that he can find new ways of changing his so-called bad life into something he likes.

Hoping he finds help for himself, and you find a path for YOURself that brings you back to happiness, whatever that might be.

Hugs,
GL

Startingover2

More than likely if he doesn't want to quit drinking and/or get help the situation will only get worse.

prodigal

Unfortunately, these illogical blowups will probably become more frequent. It's also unfortunate that as long as he stays in his addiction, and you stay with him, he will conclude that he can continue to behave this way.

My AH used to throw massive pity-parties. He was a failure. He ex wife "dumped" him. He was a flop with women. He was the "black sheep" of his family. And on and on it went. Alcohol is a depressant. It can take a depressed person and throw them further into the pit.

Then it is definitely not going to blow over.

You could leave him, but you choose not to. Apparently talking to him about this situation isn't working either. So it appears to me, personally, that at the moment you have painted yourself into the proverbial corner. Given this scenario, my question to you is: why do you stay? What are you getting out of someone who is progressing in the disease of alcoholism, is depressed, has a negative attitude towards his life, and thinks he's always right?

Think about it for awhile, and then be as honest as possible: what deep-down, heartfelt good things are you getting from this relationship?

FormerDoormat

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, and debilitating condition and without intervention it's terminal, as was the case with my boyfriend. It's not something that will blow over. Even with aggressive treatment, the chances of an alcoholic achieving long-term sobriety (i.e., remission) are slim.

The good news is that the chances of recovery for their codependent partners is excellent. Alanon, SR, and therapy have helped many people on this forum recover from codependency.

Ending my relationship changed my life drastically. It was a difficult decision, but it was the best decision for me and my late boyfriend. Stick around the forum, read the stories that are shared here, and then make the best decision for you.

Barbara52

Then he won't.


It will.

Why not? What are you getting from an abusive relationship that makes you want to stay?


Take at look at what you have now and know it will get no better since he is not going to stop drinking and that it will gets worse because he will not stop drinking.

What about that scenario makes you want to stay with him? Is an abusive relationship what you dream of having?

Rainbowsend

I could quote Fomer Doormat word for word, genarally it doesn't get better, it gets worse (fantastic when it does). I came here very positive ExA was in rehab, everything he said sounded good but words are unimportant it is all about deeds. Sorry to have sounded a bit harsh but it's rare that they get it sorted. Look after yourself, detatchment isn't being harsh, it's about not enabling and staying strong for whatever is thrown at you. Keep posting and reading

LaTeeDa

My life became so much more peaceful when I learned to dwell in the present. I spent the better part of 20 years living in the past (he used to be such a sweet guy!) or the future (maybe he'll quit drinking and become sweet again!).

When I looked at my life without the filter of what used to be or what could be, it was ugly. The life I was living frankly sucked. I decided since I can't return to the past, or control the future, I needed to start making my decisions based on what is, not what used to be, or what could be.

Now, I'm not saying I don't plan for the future, I do. And every once in a while, I take a stroll down memory lane and remember the good times. But I make my decisions in the here and now, I deal with problems as they happen. I don't try to predict the future, or dwell in the past.

So, with this in mind, are you living the way you want to live?

L

Rainbowsend

To follow on from LTD it's not what they might be but what they are now, no one should live their life on if's and but's. Potential is not reality.

kemarus

Will it get worse? Probably. Take it from me. I have lived it for 19 years. There were times when it got better. Usually when he really thought I was going somewhere. Then he "behaved" for a bit. Not for long because he would get right back into it. Guess what? Each time it seemed to get a little worse. Manipulation is their game and they are very good at it. They know the buttons to push and when to push them. Also, the more they drink, the more depressed they become. The more depressed they become, the more they drink. Then the drinking starts to mess with their sleep. The more tired they are, the more they drink. It's a terrible cycle and as they go through it, it sucks the life out of you too. Do yourself a favor. Find an Al anon meeting. Read as many stories as you can here and wherever else you can find them. Educate yourself and them make your decision.

Spiritual Seeker

alcoholism + depression go together
Alcohol sounds like his only coping device

Acceptance of the way things are today is all you can do, not idealize about how he use to be. Sounds like you are seeing the reality of your guy's alcoholism progressing.

Keep your mind open to how you want to live and what you want in a partner.