miss communicat

Tib

This has been a very good thread filled with sensitive, well considered responses. I'm glad you are over here seeking insights as well as on the other forums too.

My experience with so-called "tough love" with my own daughter who has mental illness and alcoholism has been an evolution.

As a word person (professional linguist) I hate the phrase "tough love", because toughness is not love, in my mind. I've learned that the word "love" in the phrase "tough love" has lots to do with a needed spiritual/mental paradigm shift, with self love coming first, and, that that IS healthy. FLASH: Self love may only feel "tough" to a manipulator.

In order to hold clarity, peace, health and truth in my own life, I must say NO to some people, places, things and behaviours. If certain of those people suffer from a disease, I can point them to help, but I will not be their whipping post, doormat or financial downspout.

Do I need to listen to endless explanations of their unique difficulties? no. It is exhausting to be held hostage this way.

Now. With my duaghter...Coincidentally, the longer I have been focused on my own recovery and self love, and not on hers, the better off she has been. She has her struggles, but I am no longer the only source of her solutions or seen as the source of her problems.

Part of HER recovery is to discover solutions for herself and to feel the consequences of each choice.

She knows I love her and support her no matter what. And that she is an adult. We speak almost daily. We live on opposite coasts, and I keep my sights on my own life, not on hers. Yet, I would have to add: None of this was or is "Tough" anymore.

LosingmyMisery

Addiction is very selfish. I would not listen and I was very stubborn. I only cared about myself and getting the next drink. I would plow over anyone to get my fix and would attempt to deal with the consequences later. My thinking was sick.

I truly believe that my drinking was not harming anyone, but myself. I was wrong, I was hurting everyone who cared about me. I had to recognize that and understand it for myself. I got to that point by many discussions with my sponsor. They were very unpleasant discussions because I did not want to hear what was being said. I was very argumentative and was never wrong and overall very difficult.

I took this into consideration when I chose a sponsor. I knew I needed someone who would be tough on me because I knew I would be difficult and would attempt to control and talk myself out of any given situation and I gave it my best shot. Bottom line, I wanted to get well and I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

I've never had to deal with cutting off a loved one. I've only had to deal with receiving tough love for myself. Both ways, it can't be easy, but could be necessary. It was the realization of the pain that I was causing others which helped me change. The key is, wanting to change. If someone isn't ready, separating one from their behavior would help save ones own sanity, it would seem.

hadenoughnow

People who are in jail are there for a reason other than just using alcohol. DUI, assault, & domestic violence are common reasons for an A to be incarcerated. They are there for the safety of society not their own safety.

Most loved ones who A's are incarcerated say THEY feel safer as a result. I have never seen anyone here post that that they think jail is a rehab or mental health facility.

ZombieWife

"safe in jail" means safe from themselves and that OTHERS are safe from them. Some are out on the street: drinking, driving (there's one no no.) Others are jonesing so bad for drugs or liquor, they sell their bodies for a quick fix. Some steal. Some assault others (mugging, etc.) Do I need to go on?

As for violence in jails. Most are just organized/armed daycares and little else.

An addict in jail means that addict is not using and not harming themselves, that they have a place to sleep, food to eat and aren't under some bridge, dead, waiting for the cops to find their bodies. As someone who frequents the substance abuse area more than this, you'd be surprised at how many threads are out there that are titled, "they found my son/daughter's body today...." How can that be "safer" than being in jail?

LaTeeDa

I used to think I knew what others should and should not do. Trying to control others made me extremely frustrated and unhappy. Now, I only try to figure out what I should do, not what you should do.

L

hadenoughnow

So you aren't asking this because you were recently incarcerated? hmmmmm

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sobriety.html

Cathy31

Erm...and so if he was...do you think your posting was tough love or just plain mean?

Great thread otherwise.

Cathy31
x

FormerDoormat

Only the poster knows the intent or motivation behind their response. Since readers can't observe body language or hear tone of voice on this forum, it's difficult to ascertain.

I've been called mean on several occassions recently when that was not my intention at all. It's frustrating when I disagree with someone or share my ideas or opinions or ask a question with the intention of being helpful to others and get beaten down by someone who has no idea what my motivation was.

As I've said before, I value everyone's input, ideas, experience, and opinion, even those I happen to disagree with.