Silverberry1331

Last night, I came home after a morning of work and an afternoon at the library. I am trying to get my Master's thesis done. He calls at 5pm, promptly announces he is very lonely and sad. Like the codie I am, I packed up and ran home. I looked around the house...it is a total mess. Crumbs on the counter...dishes in the sink...clutter everywhere...He, again, hasn't done much to help out but had all day to...I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I am only 30 and I am dressed and appear like someone's grandmother. Ironically, he "made" the bed, which was not actually made...he merely pulled the covers up, but everything else underneath was a tangled mess. Oddly enough the bed reminds me of our situation...he isn't actually doing anything to fix the situation, merely trying to smooth things over...

Later, he decides that he needs to fill his time during the day (he doesn't work as he is applying for S.S.), and he is lonely. I said he should go to AA or volunteer or something (me fixing again). He decides that he is going to drive by to see where the local meeting place is. I go with him. We were shocked to see that there was about 100 people walking around outside---all different types from the business people to people with mohawks...He asks one guy if this was AA...."this is the place, brother! Come on in!" was the reply. I asked if he was going in...of course, no..."sorry to disappoint," he says, "but I am trying to fill my DAY, not go now." Like, hello, haven't I heard anything he said? Whatever. :chatter

After we get home, I told him that I wanted someone who was going to be sober and a partner in my life. We started to discuss our options. He asked me what I wanted to do, I said I didn't know...he said he would make the decision and pack his stuff and go...even though he didn't have anywhere to go. I told him he didn't have to do that...I said I didn't know. Then I said that if we do separate, we would not do things hurtfully that we would figure out a solution and part amicably. This, we discussed in great length. After that, we went about our evening like nothing was said.

I highly doubt he went to AA this morning. When I spoke to him at 10:20am...he asked if I needed him to swing by to drop something off to me at work that I needed (meeting was at 10:30am). When I told him no, he must of realized the time and said, well I guess I am going to go to that meeting now...sure, whatever. I seriously do not know why I can't make a decision.

One minute I dream of life without him and all my plans and goals. The next minute, I don't want him to go and cling to him. Is there an end to this emotional rollercoaster? Does something eventually give?! He says he wants to be sober that things take time...AND says, it was suppose to be for better and for worse that is a marriage vow...Then the next minute he says, he thinks too much damage has been done to repair our marriage. Thoughts?

Reddmax

I don't know if there is an end to the roller coaster. I know the safety equipment on my roller coaster isn't up to snuff, and and the carnies running it look like they came from deliverance.

I get the same words you're getting. My AW says,"too much damage, I can't trust you", then "don't leave me, I love you", and then "I f*(%&&% hate you, get on down the road."

I don't believe it will change until something else changes. It comes down to this. Either they try and recover, or you learn to live by detaching, or you leave. Its an individual choice.

Redd

suzieq1972

IMO the only way to end the rollercoaster is either to detach or leave. I had a very hard time detaching so my HP did for me what I couldn't do...a restraining order after my STBXAH threatened to kill me.

Now I'm getting off the rollercoaster. I have filed for divorce.

I dream of a life without my AH too and at times I mourn the loss of what could have been. This was the person I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Apparently someone else had other ideas.

You can do this. Either learn to detach or go your separate ways. None of it is easy, but it can be done.

Barbara52

I would stop listening to his words, good, bad or indifferent. What do YOU want? Figure this out without considering whether or not he gets sober. Deal with what is rather than what might be someday.

prodigal

Perhaps it's because you're afraid to be alone, even though you are miserable with him. You are currently in the role of enabler and you're trying to make him see the light and "fix" him. Sadly, it cannot be done.

Perhaps you're afraid to take the focus off of him because to do so would mean putting the focus on you. It's only my opinion, but perhaps you have a lot of pain stuffed down inside that you are not ready to deal with.

I had mountains of anger. All my anger at AH, life, my bad choices, etc. boiled down to mountains of pain.

Just a suggestion, but this may be the time to let him decide whether or not he wants to attend meetings and not let his lack of attendance affect how you feel. If he leaves, you will still be left with your own issues. It wasn't until I started tending to my side of the street and staying off AH's side that I began to realize I had plenty on my own plate to deal with.

GiveLove

I'm afraid the rollercoaster ends when you say it ends, silverberry.

Have you thought about/journaled about your reasons for staying? Or done that classic exercise where you write "Reasons to Stay" on one half of a piece of paper and "Reasons to Go" on the other? If you're 100% honest with yourself, that can be enlightening. If, like Prodigal suggests, you just don't want to be alone, or don't want to be single, don't want the hassle of separating right now, etc etc, then admitting those things is a big step. At least you'll know that the choices are all yours, and you can change your choices whenever you wish.

"Sobriety takes time" is just an Alcoholic cop-out and I think you know that. If you really don't want to be with an active alcoholic any more, then it might be good to set some boundaries for yourself. I know of many who have made attendance at AA meetings one of their boundaries.

Good luck. Take care of YOU.

Silverberry1331

You know, I have heard the old pro's/con's list suggestion before, but this is the first time that I realized that the pro's and con's have just as much to do with my feelings. Meaning, I would make a list based on the AH's qualities. Asking whether or not I want to be single or alone or ANYTHING that pertains to me has not occurred to me before. I think I will follow through on this step and gain some more perspective. I appreciate the help.

I know that what he is telling me is a cop-out, but sometimes I need reminding. I need to be reminded about alot of things. I appreciate everyone's comments....it is great coming here.

GiveLove

I used to do the same. My very first list had all these "he's" on it ("he's kind, he's loving, he can cook," etc)

A recent list look more like this: "I need the inner peace that comes with being with a 100% honest person" "I want a friend, not a patient" "I can reach my goals in life better with X, Y, Z" "The happiness I feel waking up in the morning..." and so on

Funny, huh? This recovery stuff sure works, I'll tell ya.

Good luck, Silverberry!!! You're going to be fine. You watch.