Trying to stop the worry cycle in my mind
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Trying to stop the worry cycle in my mind
Hey folks--
I have made a couple of recent posts about issues/concerns that are cropping up now that I have finally decided to divorce my AH. Be patient with me, because I'll probably continue to do so for a while during this tough time.
My newest worry is that my AH quit his job a few days ago, and he has two herniated disks in his back. I KNOW that he does have actual back pain, but I also know that he exaggerates his troubles and woes to an amazing degree. Today on the phone he told me that he is totally deteriorating mentally and physically, and that he can't believe I won't help him. I told him if he is that sick he needs to go to the hospital, because that is where they treat sick people. He of course refuses to do that, since taking sensible action is not his strong suit (understatement of the year). But then the worry and guilt start to creep into my mind--because I know once our divorce is final, he will no longer have health insurance. So it's like I feel he has this window to go get help and if he doesn't do it now, it'll be too late later. I don't want to feel like it's ever too late for him to get help. I know that these worries I have are all part of the codie disease I have, I'm just looking for some logical, rational thoughts I can put in my mind to ease my worry.
Also, I told him during this conversation that I hope he realizes that he's going to have to find a way to support himself. He told me he can't work because of his physical and mental anguish, his addictions, his back pain, and the fact that every job that isn't in the law profession is beneath him. Now, I know that this is sick and crazy. I KNOW it is. So why do I still feel so scared about his future? Why do I still feel like I somehow have to make him see the light so he doesn't become a bum in the street?
I AM divorcing him. I've gotten to that step at least. But the worries remain.
I have made a couple of recent posts about issues/concerns that are cropping up now that I have finally decided to divorce my AH. Be patient with me, because I'll probably continue to do so for a while during this tough time.
My newest worry is that my AH quit his job a few days ago, and he has two herniated disks in his back. I KNOW that he does have actual back pain, but I also know that he exaggerates his troubles and woes to an amazing degree. Today on the phone he told me that he is totally deteriorating mentally and physically, and that he can't believe I won't help him. I told him if he is that sick he needs to go to the hospital, because that is where they treat sick people. He of course refuses to do that, since taking sensible action is not his strong suit (understatement of the year). But then the worry and guilt start to creep into my mind--because I know once our divorce is final, he will no longer have health insurance. So it's like I feel he has this window to go get help and if he doesn't do it now, it'll be too late later. I don't want to feel like it's ever too late for him to get help. I know that these worries I have are all part of the codie disease I have, I'm just looking for some logical, rational thoughts I can put in my mind to ease my worry.
Also, I told him during this conversation that I hope he realizes that he's going to have to find a way to support himself. He told me he can't work because of his physical and mental anguish, his addictions, his back pain, and the fact that every job that isn't in the law profession is beneath him. Now, I know that this is sick and crazy. I KNOW it is. So why do I still feel so scared about his future? Why do I still feel like I somehow have to make him see the light so he doesn't become a bum in the street?
I AM divorcing him. I've gotten to that step at least. But the worries remain.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Mambo, keep practicing your detaching, you will be able to let go of these feelings in time.
Your exAH is refusing to go and see a doctor while he has the help available. This is either because he likes to feel sorry for himself and actually getting something done will take that away from him, he is exaggerating the problem as you say and he knows a doctor isn't what he wants - he wants you to come and fuss him, caretake for him etc, or he just really cannot be bothered.
The first two reasons, well, he is manipulating you for sympathy, the last reason, if he cannot be bothered to care for himself and his own health (which is obvious he isn't because he drinks) then that will be his consequence and cross to bear.
Other than let him know he can go see the doctor it is out of your hands.
As for not doing other jobs as he feels they are beneath him - he needs to get some maturity about him! If he wants to be financially secure and pay his way, he needs to work. He knows this! People manage it all the time, so so can he.
its wake up time for him Mambo, without you he will come to earth with a bump, but that is good! Hopefully he will realise how he is wasting his life and seek recovery for himself!
Keep working on you, and try to not think of him if you can. Put on some music or do some cleaning up whenever you feel those anxieties kicking in, retrain your brain into thinking healthy for you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Your exAH is refusing to go and see a doctor while he has the help available. This is either because he likes to feel sorry for himself and actually getting something done will take that away from him, he is exaggerating the problem as you say and he knows a doctor isn't what he wants - he wants you to come and fuss him, caretake for him etc, or he just really cannot be bothered.
The first two reasons, well, he is manipulating you for sympathy, the last reason, if he cannot be bothered to care for himself and his own health (which is obvious he isn't because he drinks) then that will be his consequence and cross to bear.
Other than let him know he can go see the doctor it is out of your hands.
As for not doing other jobs as he feels they are beneath him - he needs to get some maturity about him! If he wants to be financially secure and pay his way, he needs to work. He knows this! People manage it all the time, so so can he.
its wake up time for him Mambo, without you he will come to earth with a bump, but that is good! Hopefully he will realise how he is wasting his life and seek recovery for himself!
Keep working on you, and try to not think of him if you can. Put on some music or do some cleaning up whenever you feel those anxieties kicking in, retrain your brain into thinking healthy for you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
I'm just looking for some logical, rational thoughts I can put in my mind to ease my worry.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 84
Keep in mind--that I am no further along, nor stronger than you--it's just easier from the outside looking in to give advice (that I should follow as well):
So why do I still feel so scared about his future? Why do I still feel like I somehow have to make him see the light so he doesn't become a bum in the street?
Because you are a human being and a recovering codie!
Today on the phone he told me that he is totally deteriorating mentally and physically, and that he can't believe I won't help him.
Manipulation! I'm sure your life has been no piece of cake physically or mentally--who helped you?
But then the worry and guilt start to creep into my mind--because I know once our divorce is final, he will no longer have health insurance.
If he does not have a job, he can apply for Medicaid to help with his back problems--or any other problems. If your hospital is state-run, they cannot turn him away and they should bill him after services.
He told me he can't work because of his physical and mental anguish, his addictions, his back pain, and the fact that every job that isn't in the law profession is beneath him. Now, I know that this is sick and crazy.
Most people have some sort of physical or mental anguish of varying degrees simply from day to day living. If he was in the law profession, he probably knows what is available to him by way of social services, etc. I'm sure it helps with his ability to manipulate
. Also, if he does in fact, have a law degree, it puts him in far better shape, as far as his future goes (IF he gets his act together) than the majority of people out there with no, or limited education!
So why do I still feel so scared about his future? Why do I still feel like I somehow have to make him see the light so he doesn't become a bum in the street?
Because you are a human being and a recovering codie!
Today on the phone he told me that he is totally deteriorating mentally and physically, and that he can't believe I won't help him.
Manipulation! I'm sure your life has been no piece of cake physically or mentally--who helped you?
But then the worry and guilt start to creep into my mind--because I know once our divorce is final, he will no longer have health insurance.
If he does not have a job, he can apply for Medicaid to help with his back problems--or any other problems. If your hospital is state-run, they cannot turn him away and they should bill him after services.
He told me he can't work because of his physical and mental anguish, his addictions, his back pain, and the fact that every job that isn't in the law profession is beneath him. Now, I know that this is sick and crazy.
Most people have some sort of physical or mental anguish of varying degrees simply from day to day living. If he was in the law profession, he probably knows what is available to him by way of social services, etc. I'm sure it helps with his ability to manipulate
. Also, if he does in fact, have a law degree, it puts him in far better shape, as far as his future goes (IF he gets his act together) than the majority of people out there with no, or limited education!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Mambo-
Ditto, ditto, ditto all above posts.
Its so hard to see from the inside, but step back and look at your situation as if it was one of us writing the post. You might see that, like many of us do, you make excuses for his behavior, take responsibility for things that are out of your control, and feel bad about yourself. CLASSIC CODIE...just like me, and just like alot of us.
You are NOT alone, and believe me, SR is helping me to recognize these red flags as I read posts and "stickys" that focus on these tendencies and what we can do to grow boundaries of acceptance and become "emotionally sober" when it comes to dealing with our A's.
The support here is amazing...I learn alot by reading about situations from these other members who were in my (our) spot and have moved through and past it successfully. I wish that for you too.
hugs,
Rivka
Ditto, ditto, ditto all above posts.
Its so hard to see from the inside, but step back and look at your situation as if it was one of us writing the post. You might see that, like many of us do, you make excuses for his behavior, take responsibility for things that are out of your control, and feel bad about yourself. CLASSIC CODIE...just like me, and just like alot of us.
You are NOT alone, and believe me, SR is helping me to recognize these red flags as I read posts and "stickys" that focus on these tendencies and what we can do to grow boundaries of acceptance and become "emotionally sober" when it comes to dealing with our A's.
The support here is amazing...I learn alot by reading about situations from these other members who were in my (our) spot and have moved through and past it successfully. I wish that for you too.
hugs,
Rivka
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Mambo
I also found it very difficult to rid myself of the guilt and the constant worry (frenzy thinking). I just couldn't get my brain to stop.
I used a lot of tools to get me past that. Yoga. Meditation. Music. Work. And lots of reading. It took me a long time to be able to control those frenzy thoughts and make them stop. It got better (with a lot of effort) one day at a time.
When we change our behavior, the A will go into a frenzy of their own. They will do ANYTHING to get us to back into our previous behaviors. It's a really hard phase to get through for a codependent. But when we hold our ground and stay anchored in our new healthy behaviors......the A finally figures it out and has to stand on their own two feet........or not. It's their choice.
This is a tough time for you. Feel free to lean on us here at SR. That's why we're all here......to support and be supported.
gentle hugs
I also found it very difficult to rid myself of the guilt and the constant worry (frenzy thinking). I just couldn't get my brain to stop.
I used a lot of tools to get me past that. Yoga. Meditation. Music. Work. And lots of reading. It took me a long time to be able to control those frenzy thoughts and make them stop. It got better (with a lot of effort) one day at a time.
When we change our behavior, the A will go into a frenzy of their own. They will do ANYTHING to get us to back into our previous behaviors. It's a really hard phase to get through for a codependent. But when we hold our ground and stay anchored in our new healthy behaviors......the A finally figures it out and has to stand on their own two feet........or not. It's their choice.
This is a tough time for you. Feel free to lean on us here at SR. That's why we're all here......to support and be supported.
gentle hugs
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