daisyjen

Last week, I was writing our sons ortho appt in my RAH's work scheduler, to remind him to schedule his jobs around it on that day. RAH acted all nervous that I was in the book and immediately took in out to his work van. I was a little puzzled, but, whatever. Then I found a receipt for a $200 voice recorder from a spy store dated May 2008. I was flabbergasted! Wonder if he knows that's illegal in our state?? I did not confront him with this information.

This week, he started saying how he has access to all of my accounts (email, cell phone, etc) and passwords and starts telling me about how he had a monitoring service put on me, but he talked to his counselor about it, and then he canceled it. He talks about a keylogger device that can be plced on a computer. Then he hands me mail from my cell phone company, (that he opened) with my password and secret question/answer in it. He states it came in a few days ago and he "forgot" to give it to me (though I somehow got all of the other mail).

He then starts questioning me why they sent it,. He thinks I mustve changed my passwords or email information and why would I do that? Actually, I was looking into adding internet for our son on his phone, but forgot my password, so I asked that Sprint send it to me. Simple as that.

Also, this week, he said several times that had he still been drinking when he found out about the guy I had been talking to, a few people would be dead. I tried to ignore the comments, but after about the 5th time he said it, I said that I didnt appreciate being threatened and he needed to knock it off. He said he wasnt threatening me, just merely mentioning how he wouldve reacted then. I told him I heard him the 1st time and to stop because I feel like there is a threat behind what he is saying. Eventually, when he realized how it upset me, he said he was sorry, that he shouldnt say things like that.

How do I handle all of this? I feel like I cant even have a private conversation with my family without him listening in. (I tend to vent to them periodically.) I have not found the voice recorder yet, but I do remember things he said that I KNOW I didnt tell him. I actually thought I may be talking in my sleep or going crazy....

Kindeyes

I'm not sure how you should handle it. I can share a bit about my own marriage.

My husband is not the A in my life. We are lucky to have a good marriage (23 years). I have nothing to hide from him. He has all of my passwords to email, bank accounts, etc. So he could spy on me to his heart's content and he would find nothing out that he doesn't already know. The thing is.....I don't think he has the need or desire to spy on me. Our relationship is healthy.

What you described sounds very uncomfortable......for both of you.

gentle hugs

cmc

Hi,
Here is a link that lists some of the characteristics and actions of your spouse. I would also like to remind you that it may be possible that he has been monitoring your participation here as well. There are ways to protect yourself and we have others here on this forum who have been through the same thing.
This behavior, like addiction, often progresses- please be careful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sal-abuse.html
There are other links in the stickies that offer practical help and support.

DesertEyes

Hello there DaisyJen, and pleased to "meet" you

The stuff that your husband is doing is considered "stalking" in many states. And yes it's very illegal. The laws in some states are a little confusing when it comes to "community property" and the kind of stalking you are talking about. Some states may allow for him to know _your_ passwords if the account is held by both of you.

There's a three step process to handling situations where your spouse makes death threats and is stalking you. It's really very simple, but it's going to take a lot of phone calling and reading on your part.

1- Is anybody in physical danger? Just how afraid do you feel of his threats? If you are the _slightest_ bit worried then pick up your phone book and call the local shelter. They can give you information specific to your area and direct you to police, lawyers and other professionals that are experienced in this type of situation.

2- If you are not in any physical danger then call the shelter anyway, and tell them about the stalking. They can refer you to profesionals in your area that can help you clean out your computer and change your accounts.

3- Educate yourself on "stalking" and all the privacy protections that are available to you. The best places to learn all that are:

Stalking Resource Center -- National Center for Victims of Crime - home

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

While you are doing the above, keep posting here and let us know how you're doing. There's a lot of folks here who have personal experience with abusive spouses and they will share their experience as you post your progress.

There is a lot you can do to protect your privacy, it just takes a bit of time and the help of professionals in your local area.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery.

daisyjen

Kindeyes -

It is wonderful to know that good marriages still exist...
There was a time when RAH had access to my entire life... But, he ruined my trust, financially, (by spending money on alcohol and tobacco while we were struggling paycheck to paycheck, by refusing to provide for our future in a retirement plan- still hasnt and he is 44, etc), emotionally, (by revealing my deepest thoughts, feelings and secrets to others, and all of the other ways alcoholics do). It would take a whole lot for my heart to mend and to have that deep trust in him again.

cmc and deserteyes -

Wow... I didnt think that what he is doing could actually be stalking. I did browse thru the sites and I will look further into it. I am not sure how it could be proven since all I have is a receipt. But, thank you...

Taking5

Daisyjen,

Good advice here. However, you need to realize it is most likely not illegal to record a face-to-face conversation as long as he is one of the people in it.

Now recording a PHONE conversation, or a face-to-face conversation between 2 other people, IS illegal.

To be sure check, this varies on a state by state basis.

Sweetiepie1

Had this happen fairly recently wasn't a ket stroke logger but he has linked my emails to mine through windows live.All my emails dropped into his in box, it can be done through other email suppliers, check these 1st as it is less expensive to sort.

Barbara52

I think that as long as one party to the conversation knows it is being taped, its legal. But yeah, this may vary between states and certainly between countries.

DesertEyes

Please do, there's a lot of good information there. I would like to know your opinion on that Resource Center, it's good to have different perspectives on the site I refer people to.

That's what the resource center and a shelter can help you figure out. Maybe you'll decide that protecting yourself should be done first, and proving it may not be all that important. Whatever you decide, those people are the experts and can give you the information with which to make your decision. In the meantime, we'll be here for you as you work your way thru this.

Mike

Taking5

A FACE-TO-FACE conversation, not a PHONE conversation, I am about 100% sure that is legal in the US but please check with your atty. Here is a link on phone conversations o a state by state basis:

"Can We Tape?"