Reddmax

I've spoken about my AW in various threads. She's very "disturbing" to say the least. I've also read posts that could mirror my situation. I'm realizing that this is my problem more so than its hers. I let her do things to me, and I feel bad about being angry. I don't respond, because I feel an unconscious need to be the "good" one. I was raised in a family where you did things right, you did them to the best of your ability, and you didn't give up when adversity occured.

The problem with this is: If one person doesn't decide to play by the agreed rules, the one who does is at a severe disadvantage.

That is my button. I want to scream "It's not fair", but I know that the response I'm going to get is "I don't care if its fair, I'm doing what I want".

You know, I have to get this philosophy of codependency out of my head, and into my heart. I have to believe to the bottom of my soul that I am worth the things I give. I have dreams, I have needs, I have wants, and they are just as important as my partner's. And, if she was a good partner, we would compromise and support each other in our goals.

I deserve a partner like that, if God has it in his plans for me. I am worth that much.

S&(^& her. Let her play her sick games with no one, or the other men she threatens me with. I'm going to do whats good for me!

suki44883

Good deal! Now you're getting it! ((HUGS))

Barbara52

Great progress! The first step to recovery is admitting you need to get into recovery!

No one can push my buttons without my permission. They are my buttons after all. But I have to know what my buttons are and how to disable them so they do not bring out my past behaviors that I do not want any more.

GiveLove

It seems like I used to wear my buttons right on my chest, where anybody could push them. Heck, I'd even invite them to push them, because it made me feel alive and energized to have some conflict.

Nowadays, they're still on my chest, but I take care to protect them. It's like that Bonnie Raitt song -- "carry their heart like a newborn child." Anybody who wants to try to push my buttons is going to get socked into next week (figuratively, of course ) I've chosen to protect me, instead of somebody else, in other words. Plus, I don't think those buttons are hooked to anything anymore........

Got stuff to DO in this life, you know, red? We can't be wasting time with game-playing and button-pushing.

So......what are you doing for yourself tonight? Good movie? Favorite pizza & beer joint? Mmmmm, pizza....

What's your favorite thing to do that doesn't involve somebody else? What gets you going?

good_luck

This is an interesting thought to me. I totally get where you are coming from.

Especially on the topic of "buttons." I spent years mystified about the fact that my axbf would deliberately push my buttons.

Everyone has buttons. Respectful, loving, "normal" people might accidentally stumble upon one of these buttons, take note, and try not to push them again. At least, that is what I do. My ex took an opposite approach. He would hit the button as many times as he could, wear it out, and then look for another one.

Man -- it took me so long to realize how ****ing abusive this behavior was.

But the thing is, I am not sure that this puts me "at a disadvantage." Sure, because I played by my own set of rules, I ended up inflicting less damage. And I got more hurt in the short term. But did I lose?

I really don't think so. Now that the dust has settled, and I am not in the relationship anymore, I am content to sit back and know that I behaved as lovingly and respectfully as I could, despite how I was being treated.

And the rules that I live by work with people who aren't abusive, drunk, insane, or otherwise. Luckily, this now includes everyone who I have in my life.

My rules allow me to have extremely deep friendships and relationships that are full of respect and love.

My ex, who is presumably still living by his personal, twisted code, is miserable. He presumes that others will act towards him as he acts. He is paranoid, angry, and his life is full of unneccesarily ugly conflict.

We create our own realities by choosing how we are going to act. While my attempts not to engage in the interpersonal brutality that was my last relationship were not 100% successful, I did retain my core values.

He hit me, made me cry, yelled at me, stole my things, told everyone I was "crazy," made me feel unsafe, threw me onto the street, and thouroughly abused and took advantage of every bit of love I had for him.

But I won.

GiveLove

oh YEAH, good_luck!!! I could never have explained it that well.
( I almost jumped out of my chair and cheered)
:bounce

Bernadette

heya redmaxx-
"It's not fair!" is a tough one to let go. I struggle with it still - like I get mad that I even have to deal with this stuff - with this painful alcoholic/addict mess. But it is one of those things I can't change - cuz I can't make my brothers not be alcoholics! The intensity of my anger reminds me that I do have the power and energy within myself to tackle the things I CAN change. I just have to keep the focus in the right place.

These 2 things have helped me:
Acceptance of what I cannnot change.
Gratitude for what is good in my life, and for my health (mental and physical).

Make sure you're being "fair" to yourself and giving yourself a "fair" shot at happiness by working hard on yourself and creating the life you want and deserve!

peace,
B.

oh and good-luck THANK YOU - great post!!!

Kindeyes

I use to believe that too. I really couldn't understand how on earth or why on earth someone I loved so much could possibly treat me poorly. I thought.....if I just love them enough....more even.....they'll realize that they love me too and won't treat me that way.

Boy was I wrong.

Once I began employing healthy attitudes toward myself and stopped allowing my A son to push my buttons, I witnessed how pissed off and frustrated he got. HE was the one pissed off and frustrated for a change NOT ME! And it wasn't because I was doing anything "wrong" or "mean". It was because I refused to engage in his nonsense.

I'm not a quitter either Red. I feel that I have a sound moral compass. But I don't think that is a negative or is a part of codie thinking.

When we change our behaviors and stop the "dance", the other person is going to rebel. They are going to frenzy in their bad behaviors trying desparately to get us to "play the game". When we don't, it is very upsetting to them. You have more power than you know. It'll feel very awkward at first when you stop the dance. You'll WANT to dance....you may even start to dance before realizing that you're doing it.

Slowly....eventually....you begin to realize how GOOD it feels not to react to her antics. It'll begin to feel "normal". And when you begin to engage in a few dance steps, you'll realize it and it won't feel "normal" anymore. The change is slow and it takes a lot of practice.

But be prepared......when you stop dancing.....she's going to dance faster and work much harder trying to pull you in.

I can't help but think that you sound like such a wonderful man. There are so many women that would give anything to have a partner like you. My husband (who is not an A) is a wonderful partner. I'm so very lucky. You deserve to have that in a relationship.

gentle hugs