Acceptance, Grief, How to Cope With Pain
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Join Date: May 2008
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Acceptance, Grief, How to Cope With Pain
Acceptance:
It's been a couple of weeks since I last had contact with exABF. It's been hell emotionally. I told him last I called, that I forgave him for the drunk calls, and was praying for him. I hung up. That was it. Now, like I posted before, I get to clean up the mess he made. He hasn't called me since then. I think he KNOWS he messed up. I wonder if he cares, or is capable of sorrow for messing up. I have so many questions in my mind, and heart. I forgave for my sake, to protect myself from bitterness, not because he deserved it. But I am so hurt, angry, sad. The past 7 days, I haven't been able to stop crying (well yeah, I stopped for work, amazingly I did great with work, my best week in a long time with work). I accept that he's a very sick person, with the coping skills of a 15 year old at best. I accept that he doesn't want to change; he doesn't want to get well (although I still hope...)
Grief:
My phone doesn't ring anymore. No more good morning or good night calls. No more drunken calls either, but no good calls. No nothing. See, at this point, I have no friends. I had a couple, like literally, but I had to let them go (too). So, I cry and cry. I tell myself that although I feel it's his fault that I'm lonely, it's not his fault, it's not my fault, it's not a fault. The ACOA in me is always looking for the 'fault', and usually, I end up blaming myself for it all. I know intellectually things...I've learned SO VERY MUCH coming here, reading, posting, learning. But my heart is breaking to pieces even as I type, and I feel nobody cares, because life has to go on, bills have to be paid, etc. But I've called depression hot line, been told I have the right to grieve. I know how to 'be good to myself', but it doesn't stop the feeling of deep pain, deep loss. I will always be sorry about this loss, about why we couldn't, or can't be together. I will move on to another man in time, but my heart will always be broken about this man.
How to Cope:
How do I make the pain stop? I tell myself all the reasons why it couldn't have worked, that he lied, manipulated, that he probably used me, but that there was a little 'love' mixed in there also. I tell myself life is complicated, people are complicated, love is complicated. Although there might have been some genuine emotion for me (and I believe so), he could never maintain it (what with his mood swings and all), and how much of his being with me was just about "proving a point", that he could "have" me, that he could have a girlfriend, despite what people in his life may have thought, despite what the voices in his head were telling him.
Anyway, heartbreak sucks, addiction REALLY sucks. I've never experienced heartbreak from dating an addict. It's all so senseless! And I'm powerless to do anything about it. The sunshine that came with him, in the end, wasn't worth the storms. But those days and moments of sunshine made me so very happy. Now, life is like a peaceful, quiet, yet steady rain. That's how I feel through my tears. How do I make the pain go away? How do I stop crying?
It's been a couple of weeks since I last had contact with exABF. It's been hell emotionally. I told him last I called, that I forgave him for the drunk calls, and was praying for him. I hung up. That was it. Now, like I posted before, I get to clean up the mess he made. He hasn't called me since then. I think he KNOWS he messed up. I wonder if he cares, or is capable of sorrow for messing up. I have so many questions in my mind, and heart. I forgave for my sake, to protect myself from bitterness, not because he deserved it. But I am so hurt, angry, sad. The past 7 days, I haven't been able to stop crying (well yeah, I stopped for work, amazingly I did great with work, my best week in a long time with work). I accept that he's a very sick person, with the coping skills of a 15 year old at best. I accept that he doesn't want to change; he doesn't want to get well (although I still hope...)
Grief:
My phone doesn't ring anymore. No more good morning or good night calls. No more drunken calls either, but no good calls. No nothing. See, at this point, I have no friends. I had a couple, like literally, but I had to let them go (too). So, I cry and cry. I tell myself that although I feel it's his fault that I'm lonely, it's not his fault, it's not my fault, it's not a fault. The ACOA in me is always looking for the 'fault', and usually, I end up blaming myself for it all. I know intellectually things...I've learned SO VERY MUCH coming here, reading, posting, learning. But my heart is breaking to pieces even as I type, and I feel nobody cares, because life has to go on, bills have to be paid, etc. But I've called depression hot line, been told I have the right to grieve. I know how to 'be good to myself', but it doesn't stop the feeling of deep pain, deep loss. I will always be sorry about this loss, about why we couldn't, or can't be together. I will move on to another man in time, but my heart will always be broken about this man.
How to Cope:
How do I make the pain stop? I tell myself all the reasons why it couldn't have worked, that he lied, manipulated, that he probably used me, but that there was a little 'love' mixed in there also. I tell myself life is complicated, people are complicated, love is complicated. Although there might have been some genuine emotion for me (and I believe so), he could never maintain it (what with his mood swings and all), and how much of his being with me was just about "proving a point", that he could "have" me, that he could have a girlfriend, despite what people in his life may have thought, despite what the voices in his head were telling him.
Anyway, heartbreak sucks, addiction REALLY sucks. I've never experienced heartbreak from dating an addict. It's all so senseless! And I'm powerless to do anything about it. The sunshine that came with him, in the end, wasn't worth the storms. But those days and moments of sunshine made me so very happy. Now, life is like a peaceful, quiet, yet steady rain. That's how I feel through my tears. How do I make the pain go away? How do I stop crying?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by needtolearn 
Acceptance:
It's been a couple of weeks since I last had contact with exABF. It's been hell emotionally. I told him last I called, that I forgave him for the drunk calls, and was praying for him. I hung up. That was it. Now, like I posted before, I get to clean up the mess he made. He hasn't called me since then. I think he KNOWS he messed up. I wonder if he cares, or is capable of sorrow for messing up. I have so many questions in my mind, and heart. I forgave for my sake, to protect myself from bitterness, not because he deserved it. But I am so hurt, angry, sad. The past 7 days, I haven't been able to stop crying (well yeah, I stopped for work, amazingly I did great with work, my best week in a long time with work). I accept that he's a very sick person, with the coping skills of a 15 year old at best. I accept that he doesn't want to change; he doesn't want to get well (although I still hope...)
Grief:
My phone doesn't ring anymore. No more good morning or good night calls. No more drunken calls either, but no good calls. No nothing. See, at this point, I have no friends. I had a couple, like literally, but I had to let them go (too). So, I cry and cry. I tell myself that although I feel it's his fault that I'm lonely, it's not his fault, it's not my fault, it's not a fault. The ACOA in me is always looking for the 'fault', and usually, I end up blaming myself for it all. I know intellectually things...I've learned SO VERY MUCH coming here, reading, posting, learning. But my heart is breaking to pieces even as I type, and I feel nobody cares, because life has to go on, bills have to be paid, etc. But I've called depression hot line, been told I have the right to grieve. I know how to 'be good to myself', but it doesn't stop the feeling of deep pain, deep loss. I will always be sorry about this loss, about why we couldn't, or can't be together. I will move on to another man in time, but my heart will always be broken about this man.
How to Cope:
How do I make the pain stop? I tell myself all the reasons why it couldn't have worked, that he lied, manipulated, that he probably used me, but that there was a little 'love' mixed in there also. I tell myself life is complicated, people are complicated, love is complicated. Although there might have been some genuine emotion for me (and I believe so), he could never maintain it (what with his mood swings and all), and how much of his being with me was just about "proving a point", that he could "have" me, that he could have a girlfriend, despite what people in his life may have thought, despite what the voices in his head were telling him.
Anyway, heartbreak sucks, addiction REALLY sucks. I've never experienced heartbreak from dating an addict. It's all so senseless! And I'm powerless to do anything about it. The sunshine that came with him, in the end, wasn't worth the storms. But those days and moments of sunshine made me so very happy. Now, life is like a peaceful, quiet, yet steady rain. That's how I feel through my tears. How do I make the pain go away? How do I stop crying?
It's been a couple of weeks since I last had contact with exABF. It's been hell emotionally. I told him last I called, that I forgave him for the drunk calls, and was praying for him. I hung up. That was it. Now, like I posted before, I get to clean up the mess he made. He hasn't called me since then. I think he KNOWS he messed up. I wonder if he cares, or is capable of sorrow for messing up. I have so many questions in my mind, and heart. I forgave for my sake, to protect myself from bitterness, not because he deserved it. But I am so hurt, angry, sad. The past 7 days, I haven't been able to stop crying (well yeah, I stopped for work, amazingly I did great with work, my best week in a long time with work). I accept that he's a very sick person, with the coping skills of a 15 year old at best. I accept that he doesn't want to change; he doesn't want to get well (although I still hope...)
Grief:
My phone doesn't ring anymore. No more good morning or good night calls. No more drunken calls either, but no good calls. No nothing. See, at this point, I have no friends. I had a couple, like literally, but I had to let them go (too). So, I cry and cry. I tell myself that although I feel it's his fault that I'm lonely, it's not his fault, it's not my fault, it's not a fault. The ACOA in me is always looking for the 'fault', and usually, I end up blaming myself for it all. I know intellectually things...I've learned SO VERY MUCH coming here, reading, posting, learning. But my heart is breaking to pieces even as I type, and I feel nobody cares, because life has to go on, bills have to be paid, etc. But I've called depression hot line, been told I have the right to grieve. I know how to 'be good to myself', but it doesn't stop the feeling of deep pain, deep loss. I will always be sorry about this loss, about why we couldn't, or can't be together. I will move on to another man in time, but my heart will always be broken about this man.
How to Cope:
How do I make the pain stop? I tell myself all the reasons why it couldn't have worked, that he lied, manipulated, that he probably used me, but that there was a little 'love' mixed in there also. I tell myself life is complicated, people are complicated, love is complicated. Although there might have been some genuine emotion for me (and I believe so), he could never maintain it (what with his mood swings and all), and how much of his being with me was just about "proving a point", that he could "have" me, that he could have a girlfriend, despite what people in his life may have thought, despite what the voices in his head were telling him.
Anyway, heartbreak sucks, addiction REALLY sucks. I've never experienced heartbreak from dating an addict. It's all so senseless! And I'm powerless to do anything about it. The sunshine that came with him, in the end, wasn't worth the storms. But those days and moments of sunshine made me so very happy. Now, life is like a peaceful, quiet, yet steady rain. That's how I feel through my tears. How do I make the pain go away? How do I stop crying?
As I am sure you have heard the pain that goes along with the sense of loss eventually goes away and your life will start to be put back together by you. If you reach out to a friend even though you let them go, I am sure they will come right back. A good friend does not judge or hold a grudge, especially when it comes to love. They may not understand the position you were in as they were not in love with an addict, but they can still be there for you to help you move forward. They will probably be so happy to hear from you and learn that you are finally moving on.
I am sure that even though the calls from him were not appropriate, you still miss them, you miss the sense of him wanting you. that is normal and the hotline was accurate you are entitled to feel sad and have emtotions over your loss.
Even though your AH was manipulative, there must have been positive points in your relationship or you would not have fallen in love with him. There is I am sure a part of him that loved you as well so don't think he was just using you. AH's use a lot of people that they love when they are activly using, it just comes with the territory.
I think losing the relationship with an addict is more difficult on us because women are mostly caretakers - it is our nature. You loved him so much you wanted your love to save him and show him the way, that life could be great together if he just stopped....but you can't make him stop and it is not your fault and he is not doing it to you or because of you - he is doing it to himself. He has hurt you emotionally and that will not change, but you will get over it one day.
Take what you can from this relationship and learn from it. Even the worst relationships in our lives have somthing we take from it. Mostly bad, but also good and try to learn from this for next time.
Be good to yourself, try alanon it may work for you, I found it was not for me, but I do plan to go back and find a beginners meeting. Work on you and only good will come. It is a long road ahead but take each day as it comes - it will get easier. Broken hearts eventually heal even though it feels like the end of the world.
I think it is great you are putting a lot of energy into our job, that is a plus and will help you feel like you are moving forward and contributing to your daily life.
Keep your chin up - he has not called which is a blessing in disguise and you are not contacting him which is the healthiest emotional thing you can do for you.
You always have a friend here if you need one, but please try and contact someone you have let go....they are more understanding then you think. They will not hold a grudge and will not judge....belive me - I have been through this as well and let go of life long friends to keep them out of my daily drama and I was always breaking plans to make sure I could stay home or be with my AH.....a true friend will take you back into their lives....
I hope you start to feel better. You are doing a great thing here, you are learning to move forward with your life and make it better for YOU.
That is what I am learning also that I am important and I have a right to take care of ME - it is hard, but one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
needtolearn, you make it stop by being patient with yourself and not expecting the pain to go away immediately. It took you a long time to get where you were. It will take time for you to heal. There are no easy answers but time can give you time to work through all the emotions that go along with grief.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
When I Said I Wanted Something Real...THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!
I actually laughed this morning 
I was getting dressed, to go to the store, get breakfast (taking care of self, YEAH!)
I remembered when we first started, and I told him that while our first date was nice and romantic (and it was, it was one of the best I've had), that I didn't want some over the top beginning of our romance. I didn't need "fireworks shooting out of our arses", type of thing. I told him I wanted something REAL. I wanted us to be REAL.
Well, it doesn't get more real than addiction, does it folks? (I had to laugh).
The REAL funny thing is that I know if I could share this with my mother, we'd be laughing so hard. Sadly, I can't share that thought with her, because she's not in my life either, due to HER toxidity to me, including boderline personality. But there were times, when she was clean and sober, and she was loving towards me, that I know if I told her this thought, we'd be rolling on the floor laughing.
"I want something real"...be careful what you wish for, right?
I was getting dressed, to go to the store, get breakfast (taking care of self, YEAH!)
I remembered when we first started, and I told him that while our first date was nice and romantic (and it was, it was one of the best I've had), that I didn't want some over the top beginning of our romance. I didn't need "fireworks shooting out of our arses", type of thing. I told him I wanted something REAL. I wanted us to be REAL.
Well, it doesn't get more real than addiction, does it folks? (I had to laugh).
The REAL funny thing is that I know if I could share this with my mother, we'd be laughing so hard. Sadly, I can't share that thought with her, because she's not in my life either, due to HER toxidity to me, including boderline personality. But there were times, when she was clean and sober, and she was loving towards me, that I know if I told her this thought, we'd be rolling on the floor laughing.
"I want something real"...be careful what you wish for, right?
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 36
oh needtolearn - your first post is so true to me (as well as to many others i imagine). i have lived with this for 20 years and have left home and returned so many times i cannot count. i am very lucky to have a daughter who loves me unconditionally and stands by me no matter what choices i make.
you have made a big step in your life to begin healing yourself and your strength to let go him will help.
you have made a big step in your life to begin healing yourself and your strength to let go him will help.
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